I’m overwhelmingly grateful for all of your comments and emails. I feel so much better knowing that a) it’s out there now, b) I’m not alone at all in feeling this way and c) that so many of you care enough about someone you’ve never met to share so much of your personal lives, fears, experiences – and concern for me. I’m amazed at the warmth and support so many of you so willingly gave. I hope to get to all the emails and comments tomorrow morning, but please know – I’ve read each and every one, many several times over, and you’ve really helped me take a step up. Thank you.
In the meantime, one thing making me smile: finding out that I can buy Fraggle Rock (I still insist that I’m going to be Red when I grow up), The Great Space Coaster (no news is good gnews with Gary Gnu!), and even (this is the most exciting one) The Magic Garden on video and DVD. Captain Kangaroo! The Snorks! I’ve thought a lot about the TV thing (I keep insisting that the baby will play with cornhusk dolls and block of wood and shun all things Wiggles and Spongebob and commercialized) – but I grew up on those shows and I like to think that I turned out fairly okay. Though the other morning, Jay and I caught The New Zoo Revue (another one I remember loving as a child), and man – that’s one frightening show!

I’m going to be really honest here: I’ve been struggling with what I can only determine is perinatal depression.

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I had a very strange dream last night where I dreamt that Walker was still alive and walking around the house – though I was very conscious of the fact, even in my dream, that he had died and shouldn’t be lying on the foyer floor like he used to.
In the real waking world, Princess hopped on our bed in the middle of the night and started kneading just like Walker used to. She always kneads with just one paw, and her actions were quick and short and with both paws, just like Walker’s were. And neither Princess nor Maxfield have touched the bowl of food or water that I’ve put in what used to be Walker’s corner – nor have they touched one of the two litter boxes we’ve got side-by-side.
Strange.
On a different note, I was thinking last night about all the things this baby might become – a hippie, a lawyer, goth, gay, shy, outgoing, an activist for things I don’t believe in, a Republican, a born-again Christian, enlist in the army – and I realized – I can impart all of my hippie, left-wing, treat-the-world-with-kindness-and-tolerance wisdom, but there are no guarantees whatsoever that he or she will subscribe to our ideals.
Because really – look at my anti-abortion, Catholic, pro-Bush parents. They must look at their anti-war, anti-Bush, pro-gay marriage, pro-choice daughter and shake their heads on a regular basis.

Me & Alisa, safe from the rain.
We’re home! It was a great weekend – pictures are here. Weather held out, for the most part – a major storm rumbled in Saturday afternoon, cutting into Jimmy LaFave and making me very sad (and terrified – I’m intensely afraid of lightning, especially when my only protection is a tarp!).
But there was lots of great music and sunshine and resting and reading and yummy food. Among the highlights: the nighttime hillside aglow during Dar William’s “Iowa”; vegging in the dance tent with Alisa, who promises she’ll contra dance with me next year; singing along to Curtis Mayfield’s People Get Ready Sunday morning, sung by Eddie from Ohio, Paul & Storm (previously of Da Vinci’s Notebook), The Kennedys, Lowen & Navarro, and surprise guests – Chris & Meredith Thompson; wandering around at midnight Saturday and hanging out with EFO; watching the moon rise over the hills; sleeping in the coolest, cleanest air with a thousand grasshoppers in our tent. I can’t wait until next year!
Now that we’re home: happy birthday, Matt! Sorry we missed it – I hope it was awesome!
(P.S. Finished Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince this morning. My opinion: a tedious, slow read for 2/3 of the book (I felt the same way about OotP). The last 1/3, however, was incredible and made the earlier parts worth it! I love that they’re growing up – I thought she captured a lot of that teenage wistfulness & angst well.)

In about four hours, this chair will replace the couch; those open skies and cool breezes will replace my ceiling fan and A/C; my afternoon dose of Dharma and Gregg will be replaced with some kick-ass folk music – Jimmy LaFave, Eddie from Ohio, Tracy Grammer, Dar Williams, The Nields!
In about four hours, I’ll be kicking back at Falcon Ridge. It’s our annual summer vacation – we start counting down to the next one from the moment we leave the farm each year. This year won’t be the same without Su (studying for the bar next week) and Jessie (very pregnant) or the traditional girlie drinks (lots of boring water for me) – but Alisa’s coming for a while (her first venture to Falcon Ridge!), and it’ll be fun and good and relaxing – just what the doctor ordered – literally!

First picture of little AIMB
(Ok, I agree – AIMB isn’t a cuddly nickname at all, and “L’il Alien” just doesn’t sound nearly as affectionate as “Peanut” or “Punkin’”. Jay’s taken to calling it “Banana bread”. Don’t ask me – he calls me the silliest, sweetest names too.)
So I’m only 8w1d, not almost 9 like we thought. Baby is about 1/2 inch and the heartbeat is 154bmp. Nice and healthy!

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First ultrasound in T-minus 45. Or is it T minus -45?
Whatever – 45 minutes. This drinking 3 glasses of water and holding it in for well over an hour is truly going to suck!
I’m wearing my first maternity top. I really have no need to, yet (at least not in tops – NOTHING seems to fit me right on the bottom anymore) but it’s this adorable empire waist shirt. I figured, between that and hopefully hearing a heartbeat in an hour or so, maybe this whole pregnancy thing will finally sink in.
Gulp, gulp, gulp.

Every week, I get updates from three or four different baby places. IVillage has me at 9 weeks today, so the little blurb said something about the baby being an inch long. As I read it out loud to Jay, I made the distance with my thumb and pointer finger -
And when I looked down, I shrieked. There’s something LIVING in me that’s an INCH long! In my body. MY body. Another living thing, another being. And it’s going to keep growing! And it’s going to keep taking over my body!
Good god. What the hell am I going to do when the little alien starts MOVING?

Kathy wrote about how it’s impossible to write about anything other than baby. Seriously – it takes over your brain. There have been three distinct occasions in the past month where I actually felt well enough to forget that I am pregnant; otherwise, it dictates my day, decides how I’m going to feel and what I’m going to be capable of accomplishing. So while I toyed with the idea of a separate blog for the pregnancy, there truly is little ability – at least right now – to separate it from the rest of my life.
So you’re stuck with reading about the alien in my belly (AIMB), at least until school starts and I have something else to occupy my brain.

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We’re off to LI again this weekend. I had to call my doctor this morning with a bit of a concern – she gave me strict orders to rest, rest, rest and drink, drink, drink. Oh, and I’m not allowed to vacuum – she actually said that! No heavy lifting, no exertion – no exercise until things are better. So, as I write this, Jay’s sucking up the white floofy cat hair Princess leaves all over the place. Poor guy gets stuck scooping the litter now, too. Here’s hoping I just need a weekend of drinking lots and lots and lots of water and lounging around on the boat – which is fine, because though I’m finding more spurts of energy, I’m still tired ALL THE TIME. Positive thinking. Things are going to be fine.
This pregnancy thing is way too stressful. Part of me wishes I wasn’t off for the summer, so at least I’d have things to occupy my mind instead of being aware of every single twinge and cramp and weird thing my body’s doing. Though I imagine I’d end up teaching much in the style of my old, burnt-out, previous New Yorker editor-turned-professor from college, who on the first day of school stood at the board writing out all the books we’d be reading that semester. And for five good minutes, she stood there with chalk in mid-air next to her bleached-out grey beehive, trying to complete: “The Red Badge of….” Finally, someone got the courage to pipe up, “Courage?” Ahhhh, yes, yes…. she replied, and continued on. That so would be me right now.
Happy, positive things, like the purple dahlia that just opened in my garden. A new flowy skirt to grow into. New flip-flops. A long weekend with the hubby. Seeing my little nephew tomorrow night. Ferry rides in the sun. Watching the Sox-Yanks games with my dad, a die-hard Yankees fan. Lots and lots of rest, rest, rest.
Have a great weekend, everyone.