Holy belleh!
How am I 8 months pregnant already? We met with the pediatric cardiologist we loooove today. He wanted to see us on his dime – no charge to us or our insurance – just for his own education. The woman who did our echo couldn’t get over what a wiggly worm Sammy is – seriously, he’s all over the place!
I had some brief meltdowns – mostly when I watched him punch and kick and suck his thumb and then did the dumb thing of starting to think about how close his birth was and how the ability to keep him safe and happy and without pain was going to be out of my hands soon. I think most mothers have the innate desire to protect their child – and as his surgery and all the recovery with it draws nearer, the more difficult it is for me to understand that it is all out of my hands and that there’s only so much I can do to protect him. How can I possibly keep him safe when he’s up against open-heart surgery at three days old? It just kills me to think about how his world is going to change once he’s here, how much he’s going to face, how unfair it is to this little being who has done nothing to deserve any of it.
Anyway – according to Dr. Johnson, not much has changed. On a good note, his aorta is really large for an HLHS kid, and the left ventricle still seems to be in the same ratio with his right (about 1.6:1). He told us again that we have the best possible scenario for HLHS – but he reminded us, in his gentle way, that even with the best scenario, it is still HLHS. Another fetal echo tomorrow at Children’s in Boston where we hope to get a better sense of what we’re looking at for surgery & recovery, though nothing is a sure thing until he’s here and they know for sure what they’re up against.
Bath time and nap time for mommy. Energy levels are low anyway – apparently that happens in the 3rd trimester – but doctor visits sap everything out of me.
Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.

So we trekked into Boston today for the start of our bi-weekly visits to the doctor. Ultrasound first and then a visit with the nurse practioner.
What we learned today: I’m carrying a mon-stah! The King Kong of monkey babies!
Baby Sammy, at best guesstimation, at just under 31 weeks, is approximately four and a half pounds! Of course, that’s a guess and it could go 13oz in either direction, but holy crap, he’s huge. He’s measuring almost 2 weeks ahead, and I’m trying not to imagine what 13oz in the wrong direction would mean. Eeeek!
He’s also now affectionately known as my little buckaroo, since they confirmed what I already knew – he’s one hyper child. (My coworkers have commented on my rolling belly in meetings!) He’s also decided, much to our happiness, that breech just wasn’t for him, and has taken to hanging from my ribs like they’re monkey bars. I had figured as much, though, since about two weeks ago I could have sworn someone shoved their hands in me and rotated all my insides at once, and I’ve been feeling swift kicks to my ribcage more often than not. Head down, just where it belongs. Good boy.
Heart looks the same – but we got more of a glance-over than the intensive study we’ll get next week at the pediatric cardiologist. We’re hoping to get a tour of the NICU, see where he’ll have his surgery and hopefully meet some of the surgeons. We met today with a woman from Childrens’ who was wonderful and really put me at ease about the possibility of breastfeeding. It gave me a little hope, at least, and I now know that they’re very eager to feed little monkey all the milk his Mommy can make!
(Holy crap, I’ve got a big bebe in my belleh!)
As for mommy – I gained a much more appropriate 4 pounds this month – much better than previously, and now I can attribute a chunk of it to him. The doctor said the cramping I’ve been having is “good practice” and seemed happy about it. I held my ground the best I could and really pushed to go to my due date before they induced me (previous conversations had made mention of scheduling an induction a week before). I think I might just win that battle. Yay mommy!
After battling the malls (dumb, dumb, dumb), we came home to a VERY sweet gift from a fellow mama-to-be – girlfiend sent us our Boppy. Thank you so much. The kindness people have shown us never ceases to amaze me.
So, we head into the holiday break with some good news. I’ll drink a rum-free, low-fat eggnog to that!

Randomness in a very non-eloquent, scattered manner:
Yesterday, one of my students needed an email address to sign up for some scholarship-search site. He asked me if I had one he could use, so I wrote down my spam-only address: nospam***@gmail.com. He wandered off, only to call me over moments later because it was telling him the email address wasn’t valid.
The email address he was typing in? HOspam***@gmail.com.
I had to laugh. When I pointed it out to him, he blushed a little and said he was kinda confused as to why I’d have “ho” in my address. Silly, silly teenagers.
Anyway – I’ve reached the point in the pregnancy where others can totally watch my belly roll all over the place.
This does not creep me out so much.
My ever-disappearing belly button, however? Totally wigs me out.
The belly, btw, is starting to get in the way of kissing the hubby and washing the dishes. Very strange to move like I’m used to, only to be “bumped” out of the way by this huge belleh!
Boring TMI pregnancy updates that are more for my own records than anything hiding in the more:

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Goodbye, good riddance Johnny. New York can have you. Sure, you were a good player, but you cheated on your wife – it doesn’t surprise me that you wouldn’t be loyal to us, either.
And on that “that should make me oh-so-popular” note…
I fuzzy sick. I no happy Eka. But our heat is broken and I feel even more of a responsibility to work since I’ve had to take so much time for doctor’s visits – so here I am. If I hadn’t dragged my sniffly butt in, I would have missed silly pictures of me and the baby. Those definitely make me smile. Silly, silly kids.
(P.S. Her hair looks so much better than mine does today – and how nice it would be to have hips that size again!)

You know, I could really get used to this “house husband” idea.
Not that I really needed any convincing. I’d be more than thrilled if he got to be a stay-at-home dad and I would get to teach. But yesterday – ladies, prepare to turn green with envy – I woke up and came downstairs to fresh coffee (half-caf, of course) and freshly made cinnamon buns. Then, I came home from work to a mug full of hot cocoa with whipped cream and sprinkles! I had to leave again for my first evening of counseling (which I think everyone should do, regularly) and came home not just to dinner – but 80 cookies that he had baked so that I could bring them to school for the fundraiser today.
We laughed about how he’s really working the “I want to stay home” angle, and like I said – I don’t need any convincing. Unfortunately, until they decide to pay teachers a salary we could both live off of, I’m not too sure we’ll be able to swing the whole one salary thing. Cross your fingers that he finds a job that pays well AND lets him work from home.
As for the whole counseling bit – the zoloft wasn’t working, but I’m not one for meds anyway, and in the past, counseling has gotten me through the rougher patches. The counselor was great – a lot more “in your face” than I’ve been to in the past – and she definitely had a different spin on things. I’m not sure that I agree with all of it, but it gave me a new way of looking at the time between now and when Sammy gets here that I’m hoping will help a bit. She validated all of my feelings, from the anger to the fear to the lack of control, and she understood a lot of where I was coming from since she had been through something similar as well. She wanted to see me next week, but with the holidays, it’s looking like the earliest I’ll be able to spill my guts again will be the 2nd. And I’m really, really looking forward to it.
I’m also really, really looking forward to going home today to a hubby crashed out on the couch. In the meantime, a mellow day of students working on papers – which is good, because this mommy-teacher is having a hard time keeping her eyes open!

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table,
Finding faith and common ground
the best that they were able,
Lighting trees in darkness,
learning new ways from the old,
and making sense of history
and drawing warmth out of the cold.
I find it incredibly appropriate that as I bake up some goodies – and make a total mess of the kitchen we spent an hour cleaning this morning – for a HOLIDAY brunch tomorrow at friends’ that Dar Williams’ “The Christians and the Pagans” pops up from my playlist.
I’m tired of the War on Christmas crap. I haven’t said anything because honestly, it’s ridiculous, it’s all been said and really – it’s just another way for the Religious Right to draw attention away from the things that really matter. Besides, if the RR really wants the stores to advertise Christmas sales, then it just supports my belief that Christmas is no longer a celebration of the birth of Jesus, but instead a commercialized celebration of greed.
December also includes Yule (the Solstice) AND Hanukkah AND Kwanzaa. We’ll likely recognize the first two in our house and Christmas out of respect for our families who celebrate it. (Heh – imagine that – respect for other religions!) So – happy holidays, all. You’re all super-specially sparkly in my book.
Now I need to figure out how the hell I managed to get flour and grated zucchini on top of the fan over the stove…

I’m doing better today. Yesterday, Jay made me hot cocoa with whipped cream, tucked me on the couch for a rest… then forced me to get dressed and get out of the house. What would I do without him? Strangely, I wanted to go to Babies ‘R Us – though I had a tough time with it for the majority of the time we were there. I can’t figure out why, but there’s just always this urge to cry hanging right in my throat. Still, as silly as it is, as much as we need so many other things, I wanted to find something to bring him home in. Even if we’re the only ones who will see him in it, it’s still something that’s important to me. I think part of me felt like doing this one thing might help quell the panic and guilt that I’m not doing anything to prepare for him. And it did help – a little bit. And I think it let me acknowledge the part of me that believes we’ll be bringing him home, something I don’t (can’t seem to) do often enough.
And there I go, starting to cry again. Blech!
We didn’t find a coming home outfit, but we DID find these adorable “little monkey” outfits – complete with little overalls. And we all know how much his mommy loves her overalls! We also decided what to do with the nursery – we bought these to hang on one wall. Nice and simple. We’ll likely do three walls in one color and one accent wall, and then solid bedding, since $200 for sheets he’s going to poop and spit up on is just insane. Mommy and Daddy don’t even have a $200 bed set!
Let’s hope this is a continuing trend towards a little bit more hopeful horizon in Ekaland. I’m not pushing it, but it’d be nice to look forward to making it past the first surgery and coming home with a little sprout of our own.

I was up at 4:30, waiting to see the closed schools listings. Everytime I saw a new one that borders our city, I got more and more excited. When I finally got the phone call and saw our school scroll across the screen, I had been wide awake for an hour and a half. And it’s not so much a snow day as it is an ice day – but I’ll take it anyway.
Baby stuff:
I’m 30 weeks on Sunday and starting to feel even more overwhelmed than I have been. One site summed it up: you hit a point where to stop counting how far along you are and you starting counting down how little time is left.
And then you panic.

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Random tidbits:
Little monkey is apparently King of his jungle. He’s done several somersaults in the past 24 hours – enough to make me go, “Whoa!” I think he’s just happy to have his daddy home.
His daddy – who played poker with Wil Wheaton in Vegas AND DIDN’T TAKE ANY PICTURES.
I stopped the Zoloft as per orders of the nurse practioner. She said not to take it again until she has a chance to talk to the doctor. And lo and behold – I made it out the front door this morning without a pukefest or an anxiety attack. Yay!
Yeah – out the front door – into -3° weather. Eeeek! How I did this for several winters in college, I’ll never ever know. The Carolinas are sounding pretty damned good right about now.
Had a great mellow Saturday with Alisa, Su, Jessie & Erin – sometimes some downtime with the girls is just what’s needed. Saturday morning the girls surprised me with a prenatal massage at a local spa. Mmmmmm…. it was so wonderful! I think I might go for one more before monkey makes his arrival.
Speaking of which – I’ve been comfortable all along with the idea that I need to birth this baby out of me. But – the past few days I’ve been having that, “Holy SHIT, this thing needs to come out of ME!” panic. Eeek. I mean, this wriggling little monkey needs to come out of ME. Holy effin’ crap.
Time to get classes started. Stay warm!

Yesterday, I had a conversation with my boss in which she jokingly said she was going to blame me if she cancelled school and we ended up with no snow.
Well…
They’re calling for a possible 14-20 inches for our neck of Massachusetts now, with 50-60mph winds and a total white-out for the next 1-2 hours. There’s already about 10 inches on top of the cars. It’s CRAZY here! Seriously – it went from a mere 6 inches to a blizzard. Two cars were stranded in the middle of my small little road. Wild.
I think that this should be more than sufficient for a school cancellation!
And you know, a hot cocoa with Baileys would be so damned good right now, too. *sigh*
(Random: Every so often this picture pops up in the little flickr four over there. It was taken two days before we found out we were pregnant. I was just so wiped out – getting exhausted so much more quickly than I ever had before. I remember we were working outside and I had downed a Twisted Tea – then something in me told me not to have another. That crazy women’s instinct! Still, whenever I see it, the dark circles, I remember that pre-positive feeling; we hadn’t been trying, so it shouldn’t have really been at the forefront of my thoughts, but I knew something just wasn’t quite right. It’s so strange to see that picture of me, before I knew, and know that there was a little one in there all along.)