today went well. soph, junior, and senior lunch with no english. cant ask for anything better. oh, and it was scorp's birrrrrrrrrthdayyyyyyyyy! (scorp quote: "but it's my birrrrrrrrrthdayyyyyyyyy!")
lately i realized that i'm becoming quite the escape artist. if i dont want to deal with something, ill simply walk away from it. i realize that this is a self-destructive path to be following, yet i cannot seem to turn around or veer off of it, no matter how much i may want to. and im fully aware that by avoiding the problems, i am only making the problems even worse. whenever i don't feel like handling a situation, i find myself simply walking away. not exactly the best way to solve the problem, yes, i know. but at least it doesn't hurt as much as it could if i stuck around. but sometimes walking away is good. like... if someone says/does something that sets me off, it is better to walk away than to blow up at that person. walking away can be theraputic, because it allows me to fully think about consequences of actions before enacting them. but i shouldnt avoid the problem altogether. too often lately i find myself avoid even... myself. in order to escape from my thoughts, ill go running (as i did today). or ill play my guitar (as i did today). or ill sleep at random times (3p-7p). but how do you solve the problem... when you are the problem?
over the weekend, i reread wasted by marya hornbacher. and i found this quote in it that i think kind of fits what i'm going through right now:
[We] tend to be very diametrical thinkers - everything is the end of the world, everything rides on this ONE THING, and everyone tells you you're very dramatic, very intense, and they see it as an affectation, but it's actually just how you THINK. It really seems to you that the sky will fall if you are not personally holding it up. On the one hand, this is sheer arrogance; on the other had, this is a very real fear. And it isn't that you IGNORE the potential repercussions of your actions. You don't think there are any. Because you are not even THERE.
sometimes life seems unreal. like... ill be sitting in the middle of class... say history... and ill be taking notes. and all of a sudden... ill see myself taking notes (out of body experience?) and something pops into my brain "why? why am i writing down this information? is it really necessary? how is it going to help me in the long run?" ill zone out for a minute, grant myself a brief respite from the note-taking. no less than one minute later something else pops into my mind "fail fail fail fail fail fail fail fail." and suddenly my pen springs to life.
something very similar happened to me today as i was running. "why? why am i running? what does this prove?" and i found out that im running to get away; to ascend stress, drama, general feeling of blah-ness.. it was a very releasing thought. and i hereby resolve to deal with everything. i'm not going to follow that self destructive path of evasiveness anymore. i can't guarantee a fluid u-turn--- hell, i cant even guarantee a complete 180 turnaround at all. but i do promise a gradual meandering that will eventually lead me somewhere that i ought to be. instead of stuck here in the mud.
from today on... i will deal.