smileyjess

why can't i write? i've sat here at my computer for the past 20 minutes (at least!) trying to write something. i start... and backspace. or i write... highlight... delete. how am i supposed to type my thoughts when i really dont want to even acknowledge them? i'd so much rather read, or pick up the guitar, or watch bad vh1 countdowns, or sleep.

am i supposed to write about my day? am i supposed to sound happy? sad? wise? funny? heres something that happened to me today: i wrote an essay (worth 30 points) in ap us history. a couple of periods later, someone asked me how it went. and i for the life of me could not even think of a name, a date, anything (!) that i had written in it. i couldnt even tell him the topic. and as i sit here to write this, i cant think of what i want to write. it's on the tip of my tongue- but i cant bring myself to say (type) it. not so much because i dont want to but rather more because i literally cannot. all of my thoughts are just scattering all over the place and i'm desperately trying to chase after all of them, snatch them up, put them in a bag, and say "there. that's who i am and what i am made up of." and i'd tie them up tightly so they dont escape.

i've been trying to do this for months. it's taken a pretty big toll on me i think. the perfectionist in me will not allow me to give up, though. but hopefully she'll grant me a break.