smileyjess

happy new year! this'll be a quick one. ill be leaving cali tomorrow afternoon so i want to be sure that i treasure these last waking hours... the past couple of days have literally been a blur. hiking in the irvine hills in the morning, hitting up laguna, san onofre, huntington, newport beaches. reading the nanny diaries (2.5 out of 5 stars?). soaking up el sol. shopping third street promenade, universal city walk, the grove farmers' market (not really a farmer's market at all though... californians are tricky like that...), melrose street. jamba. new year's eve party at matt's friend's house. chillaxing.

today i picked up a pen for-- seriously-- the first time in 5 days. whoaza.

ok im off to hit the jacuzzi. yes- on new year's day. it may be 919 here, and the sun has been down for a few hours, but its still high 60's, low 70's.

you cant make me go home. 'no wanna'

got in a little earlier this evening. it's 34 degrees out right now. and i'm wearing shorts, my (err... rachel's) red sox t shirt, and flip flops.

i don't belong here.

anyways, i loaded up a few of my pictures, hope you find them pleasing.

^this one's in joshua tree national park^

^torrey pines-- awesome day hike along the coast^

^torrey pines again^

^my cousin tommy and i at some restaurant^

^los angeles from one of the hills that we climbed every morning and night^

2 weeks worth of homework in approximately 30 hours?

no sweat. i got this.

yeah... let's not pretend that even if i hadnt gone to cali, this hw would have been done by now. because it wouldnt be. done, that is.

to do:
2 spanish homeworks
2 chem labs
1 300 question chem test bank
1 religion project
1 religion presentation
1 50 question read and answer english packet
1 analysis exam study guide (not required)
1 history exam study guide (not required)
turn off cell phone
surrender car keys
unplug all radios
lock self in room

to not do:
sleep

yes, i completed it all on time! plus 2 english poems that i didn't even know about because he assigned them while i was in new york and didnt tell me about them when i went to ask him what he assigned. psh. and i managed to get 3 whole hours of sleep last night. w00t.

yeah so not much else has been going on. first day back at school, thankfully no chemistry. but we have a test tomorrow. so i'm nervous. i needed to take a break from studying for a few minutes because i just went into chem overload, and it is not pretty. first, you stare at the same problem until the letters blur and start forming words that arent there. then, the paper slowly turns from white to light blue to dark blue to red to hot pink. then, your eyes start to roll to the back of your head and feeling in all limbs is lost. arms flail wildly and screams refuse to cease.

thankfully, this attack can be cured with a hot shower, some green tea, and a spoonful of fluff.

good day today! didn't sleep much last night (thanks, chem) but i woke up abruptly at 530 this morning. it. was. so. cold. i didn't even want to get out of my bed. i hate living where there is winter.

came home, dl-ed the dave matthews and friends show from boston. ran. slept. gosh, all my days are the same. oh well, theres something to be said for consistency, right?

guitar lesson tonight. attempting 'tell me something good' a la chaka khan. more later most likely.

when all words fail, at least there's always jimi hendrix.

E7#9 G A6 E7#9

more of guitar tab here

purple haze was in my brain,
lately things don't seem the same,
actin' funny but i don't know why
'scuse me while i kiss the sky.

purple haze all around,
don't know if i'm coming up or down.
am i happy or in misery?
whatever it is, you've put a spell on me.

purple haze was in my eyes,
don't know if it's day or night,
you've got me blowing, blowing my mind
is it tomorrow or just the end of time?

there is absolutely nothing like waking up to 'crush' by dmb on a morning when really you feel like sleeping the day away. it's totally revitalizing.

i dont want to curse myself by saying it but maybe today will be a good day. and i think yours will be, too.

here's hoping.

disclaimer: i never said i had to make sense. also, i'm not editing because if i do i won't post this.

i always find something to worry about. anyone that knows me will tell you that i'd find something to worry about even if the rest of the people in this world were blissfully content and at peace with one another. i'd worry about how it wouldn't last. i'd worry about what would cause it to not last. i'd worry what would take the place of evil. i'd worry about dogs dying (rest in peace, Honey). oh--homework would probably still exist, so i'd worry about that.

one thing that i am- seriously here- always worried about is the happiness of my friends and family.

today skelly gave a prayer over the intercom about the special bond between 2 siblings and how much the elder loved the younger. this made me contemplate my relationship with my sister, which, i'll be the first to admit, is not in the best condition. she's five years younger than me, so it's really hard sometimes. (emphasis on 'really') we are complete opposites in every way. i'm short, she's tall. i study, she doesn't. i'm a blonde, she's a brunette. i'm shy in comparison to her outgoing personality, etc. but the prayer made me feel so shitty because i always wonder if i'm a good sister to her. two of my best friends are the younger of 2 kids in their families, and they both look up to and admire their siblings so much. i can't say if it's the same with me and my sister. sometimes it's just so hard to get along, i just don't talk to her because if i do, somehow she'll become upset with me. on top of this already awful knot that was forming in my stomach, i was hit with a one two punch when someone around me said 'god, i wish my older brother was like [the one in the prayer].' yeah. at this point in the day, i should have just called it quits, that's how not good i was feeling.

oh man, i totally lost where i was going with all of this.

today, i may have hurt someone's feelings. i hope that i didn't. it was unintentional. sometimes i dont handle things under pressure and i don't know what to say or how to act and i just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. in retrospect, i'm wishing that i had thought more about a response before it was verbalized. i feel wicked dumb, too. because i know some people are also making the same wish as i am.

i want to always be able to help improve someone's day. i truly mean that. i would never ever want to hurt anyone's feelings intentionally (or unintentionally for that matter!)- really. at lunch today, pegasus had a reunion. now, i was never in pegasus, but i went down there to see if i could find a friend of mine in the peg. wing. he has graduated from school, but we have since kept in on and off touch and he is my idol. just everything about him... it's not like... love infatuation love. it's... it's... i wish i knew how to describe it. so i was incredibly happy to see him. i could only talk for a few minutes because i was already late for analysis. i havent seen him since thanksgiving and something just seemed... wrong. out of place. something was bothering him. i wish i knew what it was, but even more so i wish i could make it better. i relunctantly headed off to analysis in a dazed state. 5 minutes earlier i was so happy to find out he was at school. now here i was wishing that i had just stayed in bed after hearing dave matthews this morning.

all this caused the knot in my stomach to augment and eventually it got to the point where i felt ill. my head was pounding and my physical heart hurt. i know it's all just my inner hypochondriac. i do it to myself, really. just thinking about today makes tears come to my eyes because i'm so distraught over things that i can't control.

this entry is really... trippy. i'm sorry. i left out a lot because it's stuff that i don't particularly feel like sharing right now. it's mostly just me being dramatic and overly-analytical. wayyyyy overly analytical.

let's just say that i might have hurt someone's feelings, someone's feelings might have hurt me, and i want to make everyone's feelings be however they personally wish to feel. in whatever way makes them happy.

until then, i don't know just how happy i can be.

oh my god. i think i just need some sleep.

haha, you know.

Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

despite the fact that it is 3 degrees outside right now and exams are in 10 days and it's been a rough week and i have to get up at 630 on a saturday morning tomorrow and i missed dave on the today show this morning and i cant find my pinkerton cd and i found out some people are taking 4 ap's next year and ill never be able to compete and dan just got this baby and i dont feel mentally prepared for tomorrow's meet and i'm so very exhausted (for a change)

in this moment

i feel better than i have since the end of august.

busy weekend. lots of fun. friday evening was spent in the lovely company of liz. it was so cold that night. it was like 7, and i was home alone, and cold, so i'm like hey liz, hang out with me. we grabbed food (of course!) and then watched some 007. i returned to my cold and empty casa around 1130 and surrounded myself with all the blankets and pillows (heat at 70+) and watched some dave matthews stuff (end of driven and then a concert with emmylou harris) in those wicked comfy soccer shorts, a tank top, and birkenstocks.

saturday i had a debate tournament. lets just not go there.

after i left that i headed off to la biblioteca and got my study on. finished up an analysis review, started some chem stuff. havent quite started history, not bothering with spanish (as if thats a real class!!!! oh wait. yeah... it is... oh well), religion is all subjective, and english is just an old ap exam (so i cant study for it anyway). then i went to guitar center for a bit. i decided that if i get over a 90 on all my exams, ill treat myself to a new pedal. (if i get over a 95 on at least 4 [and over 90 on the other 2], ill get a new amp) incentives, incentives. it certainly gives me something to think [dream] about when i'm stuck in the local library for 4 hours.

i arrived at rachel's for the pats game around 630. let me preface this by saying i have not watched a football game (other than joe's thanksgiving game) since the pats won the superbowl in... 2001? i just dont understand it. the end, love jess. but it was a great night. me rach liz scorp katie matt dylan kelly brian tim dan and kieran. good times, good times. rachs dad makes killer pizza (if you take get it without meat and cheese) and kelly made a 'wifes' (4 life) cake which we all enjoyed. dan hadnt changed since thursday (he kept threatening to hug me!!!!!! ahhhhhhhhhh!), and he and bri were both wearing school pants. katie and matt and rach and tim made me uber- feliz. the game was intense, and matt had to suffocate me for a few minutes. we all departed at the game's end (pats won). i came home and fell asleep watching snl. 20 hour saturdays are exhausting.

woke up just in time to make the acadec meeting today. as usual, nothing was accomplished. our motto: while you were studying, we were partying. jon and i wanted to print out the 800+ pages combined chemistry test banks to study for the exam but the school's computers were being mean. one of my highlights was when mrs. l. was trying to figure out when to schedule our next meeting. next weekend we told her we'd all be studying and then no one would want to meet the saturday after exams anyway. so for the second saturday cancellation, she wrote "hungover" on her calendar. it was classic mrs. l. madeleine's so lucky.

after acadec it was off to the providence place for... {{shudder}} winter ball dress shopping. luckily i found [what i think is] the keeper in the first place i looked. suh-weet. it wasnt as bad as the freshman year search. (the salesperson lady, when she laid eyes on me after trying on my first dress, remarked: "my!!!! you have such a nice............ [excruciating long pause as she desperately search for anything nice on my physique]............. clavicle!" i wanted to curl into the corner in a poof of tulle and die under it.) almost 4 hours later i was home, only to leave again for my school (for a student council wb planning meeting) after grabbing my favorite dinner. (see following recipe)

tomorrow i get to miss the first two classes for a late doctor's appointment. score.

today i will leave you with two treats:

I. fluffernutter recipe:

ingredients:
2 slices bread (i prefer white, but must usually settle for the no fat no carb whole wheat stuff that tastes almost as good as air)
fluff
peanut butter (get yourself the good kind-skippy or something- not the all natural oily stuff my mom buys)

1. lay out two pieces of bread side by side.
2. put peanut butter on one piece of bread.
3. put fluff on the other piece of bread.
4. smush together.

my favorite part about this recipe is that you can determine your own ratio of fluff to peanut butter. usually mine is something like 20:1 (fluff:pb).

II. hot g love pic

don't you hate it when the ftp server that contains all your test banks for chapters completed this semester in your ap chemistry class is down and it is unknown when it will be up running again? and you have that exam in 8 days? and your teacher doesnt teach? isn't that frustrating? doesnt it make you want to use a bunsen burner to set fire to the computer? or is that just me?

...is just to love and be loved in return."
nat king cole

last night i watched moulin rouge. i love that movie. definitely in my top 3.

anyways, i'm avoiding studying for a change, so here are the lyrics for 'your song,' one of the medleys in it. it's been stuck in my head all day. but ewan mcgregor sings it so... enchantingly. way better than ol' ej.

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

i heart wednesday schedules. especially with supershort ap us history and long religion (easiest class- totally subjective). what i do not heart are meetings with guidance counselors. not fun. i dropped physics this year to take ap chem, so i definitely have to take that in addition to the required english and religion courses. (oh yeah, also gym... psssh! as if that counts.) i was planning to take 3 ap's, TOPS, and photography. everyone raves about the photo class and i thought that 3 ap's would be plenty, right?

wrong.

essentially i was told that if i took photography i can forget about any of my top choices. wtf dude.

now i'm stuck in 4 ap's. calculus, spanish, english, and music theory. then also physics .1 and world religions .1. way to suck, SCHEDULE. keep it up.

and hey, i mean, call me crazy but i've got an idea. how about.... [just hear me out here....] taking college courses.... in COLLEGE?! whoa whoa whoa! i know! it's positively absurd!

on a lighter note, my pegasus project is coming together quite nicely. i actually have something to write about in my progress report thats due tomorrow. nice. and pep band has a 'gig' (hahaha, ok yeah it's definitely not at an elementary school....) on the 30th. haj said i definitely have to go because there might be an aspiring female guitarist in the audience. so i have to reschedule a meeting with my pegasus mentor (he's a professor at johnson and wales). no biggie though.

other lighter notes? watched dave matthews on leno last night. and they let him talk! *gasp*! he's so amazing. it's love. john mayer is coming to town on march 20th and tix are going on sale this weekend, so i definitely have to grab those. last night's game went very well. we actually have a pit for the rhythm section now. it was a little cramped but what love pit (as we have dubbed it) isnt? picture a 10 by 10 foot space with: 2 line 6 amps, 1 bass amp, 1 drumset, 2 pedals, 2 carpets, neil, corey, will, andy (not andy andy... bassist in training), dan, nick, and myself. yeah. good times. oh, and a multitude of hawaiian shirts. i picked up a 50 years of the strat magazine for myself yesterday. i wanted to get a book or two with the giftcards i received for christmas, but i figured it was best not to ... bc of approaching exams.

ok well... i'm off to... sleep. so.... very.... exhausted.

rachel is simply the bestest.

[ever]

SmileyJess13 (7:41:19 PM): 6 is apparently not as much as 7 though
raybobdotcom (7:41:30 PM): see you're ready for ap calc!

p.s.- props to jw for being the sarcastic pessimist that we all know and love dearly. (see his comment for a few entries back...)

fellow lasallians (from website)

School will be closed on Friday (1/16/04).
Tuesday, Jan. 20, 2004 will be a review day for exams (Day 2)
EXAMS will begin on Wednesday, January 21, 2004 with Exams A and B.
The Exam Schedule will continue on Thursday (C and D) and Friday (E and F),
with Exam G on Monday, January 26, 2004 (make-up exams to follow Exam G).
The school will be open from 7:00 a.m. to 11:00 a.m.
on Friday for students wishing to
pick up study materials.

one word:
w00t!

slept late today, yet somehow managed to both leave my house earlier than usual and arrive to school later than usual. damn you, snow. i hate rhode island drivers. they stop at the slightest snowflake- it's really quite ridiculous. so yeah because of them i was late for the appointment i had set with the chick im tutoring in chemistry. i left my house at 707a and that is usually enough time to get in for 730. i didn't arrive until after 750. ugh.

the day itself was pretty uneventful. we have to calculate our own grades in english because obadiah does not know how to do math. at all. was pissed off all day because of a group project in history. i'm so obsessive compulsive that i have to do almost everything. but this time i was relatively good, and delegated some of the jobs. i just hate group projects overall and usually choose to work by myself anyways because i have unrealistic standards of others and that's not fair to them. so... yeah. i put in my application for the renaissance games. it sounds like a lot of fun. a team of 12 boys and 12 girls that compete in four different catergories including stuff like mathletics, science and geography stuff, scrabble, soccer, volleyball, track and field, flag football, spelling bee, backgammon, painting, poetry recitation, essay-writing, music and more. we'll see if i make the cut. i may be placed as an alternate, but that's alright because then ill def make it next year.

i felt incredibly out of place in the field house today after school. all the winter athletes.... i dont know what it was exactly about them. but it just seems like volleyball season was years ago and i think it was quite possibly may have been my last. i'm still going to try out in the spring, but i dont think i ve got what it takes.... and being around people who do have what it takes to make varsity in their respective sport was... well... daunting.

the highlight of my day today was dylan being attacked with mayo. just picture two pieces of bread piled high with school mayo, then folke (is that his name??????? i dont even know!!!!) sneaking up behind dyl and attacking him on both sides of his face. it was so nasty. in his eyes (he was twitching all next period!!!), on his clothes, in his wicked curly hair (he hasnt cut it since freshman year....) everyone was cracking up, even the portuguese custodians. (roderigo and whatshisface)

no school tomorrow. which is wicked sweet. we've still got the pep band game, apparently though... so that means an npc night! however, because of the school cancellation for tomorrow, we have to go in next monday to take the last exam (which was originally scheduled for a week from tomorrow). this sucks because i was totally looking forward to just chillaxing alllll next weekend. (i need to recharge for second semester!) nick, corey, and i have got some plans to hit guitar center and then la casa de los majores para jamar (jessspanish for "to jam") after d and e exams on friday. very stoked. p.s.- dan got his new schecter taken away. i cannot begin to tell you how sad this makes me.

as much as i hate snow, it was really beautiful this afternoon after i arrived home. however you could not pay me to go outside. it is so effing cold that it hurts to breathe in. i prefer to stay inside and not study.

i guess that's all for now. possibly more later gangsters.

1. RHOP. 'nuff said.

2. mitch hedberg quotes.
matt made me into the mitch lover i am today. keep reading for a sneak preview.

i swear i'm studying.

honest.

excellent day off. quite cold. i learned today that the thermometer in my car *does* have a negative symbol. it measured -4 this morning when i was heading off to rachels. later in the afternoon it was 12 degrees and i was actually happy about that! it's still nothing, but it's a 16 degree increase. sort of like going from 84 to 100. but not.

picked up my stuff at ray's then picked up liz and katie and we headed to panera for lunch. most enjoyable. then i visited jacknmatt bc i havent seen them in foreverrrrrrrrrr. i finally started studying again around 4ish. it's breaktime now. there's only so much chemistry reviewing one is able to do in a healthy state of mind. this entry was most pointless as a result of a chemistry fried brain. my sincerest apologies.

here are some fabulous dmb lyrics in a feeble attempt to make up for the boredom i have inflicted upon you.

#34 Lyrics

Oh, my head lay back on the seating
Been so tired, throw away my surrounding
Like the sun and moon take for granted
Soon we move through the flood and we fade away

Lie about it,
Cry about it,
We'll be ok

Lean upon me,
I'll lean upon you,
We'll be okay

Oh, I lay myself at your feet laughing
Hope mine eye made of the soul choir

Lean upon me,
I'll lean upon you,
We'll be okay

Lie about it,
Cry about it,
Soon fade away

Lie about it,
Cry about it,
We'll be okay

Lean upon me,
I'll lean upon you,
We'll be okay

last night ryan and i went to a random chinese restaurant on rolfe street. 'twas most enjoyable. hadnt seen him in a couple of weeks, due to his track life. in the past two weekends he's been to dartmouth and yale! i'm so proud of him though. he's doing really well. it was just so excellent to chillax and catch up. afterwards we drove to a cafe and grabbed some chai and mocha. it was a pleasant break from studying. yesterday i was at the library for quite some time. at one point, i completely zoned out into a catatonic state. i figured then it was time for me to go. i really don't think i got a hefty portion of studying done though. like... i know a ton of people wont even start until monday and are like wow how can you study so early? but really... i'm not even studying that much and they will do just as well or better than me on exams and still manage to have lives. damn you smart kids. (haha just kidding i love you)

we're having our upstairs main room painted today. everything's a mess. and it's bothering me. i want to get out of the house but it's snowing (for a change....) and i can barely handle driving on dry roads. so it looks like im stuck inside for today. that wicked sucks.

in case i havent mentioned it before i hate winter.

love
jess

"this is your life, and it's ending one minute at a time"
-fight club

yeah, im not gunna lie to you.
i didn't study at all today.
instead, i ate, then i slept, then i watched the game, then i got some much needed guitar practice.
ohhhh well. there's always tomorrow right?

"and now for something completely different..."

mgm2 is...

mcmanus gould mcmanus productions
(aka... matt andy kev or is it.... kev andy matt?)

go to their website: mgm2.com and laugh at their old middle school-esque pictures. (it's a party, i promise)

you can also buy mgm2 stuff!! (yes ladies, they *do* have thongs with these three hotties' faces! ~swoon~)

their movies are excellent (even if you don't think their website is hahahah)

the castle cinema is playing one or two of them at the amateur film night on sunday, 25 january. showing will be the ever classic H E A D L E S S (my personal favorite) and another surprise. if you are reading this, and you live in rhode island, show 'em some much-deserved love and make a date with these 3 for next sunday at the castle. you will not be disappointed.

be there. or be square.

kieran: sandwich makin time!
jess: whatd you put in it
kieran: peanut butter
kieran: and jelly
kieran: and love
jess: awwww
jess: the secret ingrediennnnnnnt
kieran: yup
kieran: and crack

i heart kieran 224.

p.s.- one day when i dont have exams any more i promise to post something of substance.

went for a run yesterday, in attempts to temporarily seek relief from studying.
got windburn. i hate new england. remember 3 weeks ago when i was in cali and got a burn from the sun? yeah. that was awesome.

not too much went down today. ruined my chemistry average, but dont worry, guys. because i'm fine with that. really. it's only one test grade right? one test grade... out of 4? and and and i did okay on the labs? so i think my average will be ok? i don't know. whatever. i need to stop thinking about it because it's just awful. i worked my ass off all quarter to get the same average as last time, and essentially i just negated all hard work and extreme effort by bombing this one test. not that i didn't study- believe me- i did. but we also had a lab due today. and exams start tomorrow. and he also didn't review at all for the exam. whatever, ap chem sucks. wait- no- that's not it. i just suck at ap chem. i obviously cant handle the work. i'm the only one having heart attacks just thinking about that class. i wish i could just go back in time to good ol' honors chem in haj's class, where bonus points have to do with sesame street and 80's music, and if you dress up like an element on costume day you get extra credit. oh, and we blew up rockets. and tie-dyed shirts. and made chocolate chip cookies in take home labs. *sigh*

spanish exam tomorrow. i don't know how it's going to go. i still don't consider it a real class. whatever, we'll see. i'm still going to the pep band game tonight because - let's be honest- i wouldnt have studied during that time anyway.

ahhh caffeine. need. more. caffeine.
kbye

1 down, 5 to go. if i make it through tomorrow i know i can do anything. ap chem and analysis. i laugh in the faces of those who believe sleep to be a necessary habit.

everything is going very well right now. for once, things are falling into their proper places instead of scattering and smashing. everything seemed a bit shaky there for a minute, but i think i'm back on solid ground now. sorry to be so vague. essentially all you need to know is that i am no longer allowing myself to be stubborn to the point of only causing more damage to myself. i.e.... friendships. a lot has changed. a lot. change and i....... well... we do not get along (one time will suggested i stand in another spot of the love pit that is our rhythm section. this was not uncalled for, it really just made more sense- less electrical cords crossing (hah i just spelled cords "chords"), easier amp access, etc. but NO WAY was i moving. There is a specific spot on our awful oriental rug that has been my place for almost a whole season and a half now, and you'd have to uproot me to move me from it. that's just an inkling to how i cope with change) so people changed, and i refused to. i didn't want anyone or anything to change. i resented these changes and chose to ignore them, when really they were.... un-ignorable. (jesspeak) only in the past 2 weeks or so have i fully realized how ridiculous i have been, and i plan on changing that now. for the better.

i'm also happy because lately i haven't been dreading getting up and going to school each morning. it's not that it's a bad place. it's just there are so many other things i'd rather be doing with my time than learning what the heck ad hominem or shielding effects are. (ad hominem is a verbal attack on an author rather than the presented arguments and the shielding effect is the lessening of attraction between valence electrons and the nucleus as sublevels and orbitals are increased; increases across a period of the periodic table) it's not that i'm looking forward to going to school or anything, but at least i'm not fighting a losing battle against the urge that tells me to stay in bed each morning or to blow off that homework assignment. let's face it- i've got at least 5.5 more years of school to attend (in a sick way, 'hopefully' almost 10). might as well accept it because it's not going anywhere. and instead of focusing on the negatives (i.e. classes lol) i'll focus on the positives. like pep band games, acadec meetings (hahahhaha 'while you were studying we were partying'), upcoming volleyball season, frees, and lunch. plus wednesday early dismissals. really, i have no legitimate excuse to complain about my school.

ok sorry i just reread that and it almost makes me sick. did i really write that? lol

yeah so i have been having the freakiest dreams lately! a couple of nights ago i dreamt that i lived in what can only be described as candyland (best game everrrrr!) then another night i dreamt (nightmared? again, jesspeak) that i ran over my guitar with my car by accident as i was backing out of the driveway. then last night i dreamt that instead of having to take my regular chem exam, i had to take the full-fledged, 28 chapters worth of the standardized AP exam. yes- and i was the *only one* who had to. and my score was going to count for 20% of my semester average. AP exams are graded 1-5. which meant that even if i got a perfect 5 (impossible!!!!!!! i'd be lucky to pull a 1- we're not quite halfway through the book yet), the highest possible semester average i could get would be a 77.4 (dreamjess did not figure this out- but she realized it was definitely extremely low). i woke up and seriously could not go back to sleep that's how fast my heart was racing. pathetic, i know i know.

so anyways. yes. real chem exam tomorrow. not going to panic because i know i've done everything that i can, and i've still got a good 7 more hours in my day.

ultimately decided to keep the winter ball dress i chose a few weeks back. it's black, with a little bit of white, and from lord and taylor. andy and i shall be rocking tophats and topgun sunglasses. Rhodes will not know what hit it.

alright then gangsters.

only one more exam left- ap us history. i heard it was easy, but history is my worst subject so i'm still going to have to study. i'm so effing tired of studying. after 3 weekends of preparing for preparing for chemistry, i still have no clue how i did on it. if i get an 80 on that thing it will be only with the help of god himself. and hes got his hands full. so basically my grade is.... not fabulous. then i had analysis. oh man. i totally took it in a catatonic state of shock and couldn't think. functions functions everywhere. vertical line, horizontal line tests... oh it was terrible. but i pulled an a, so thats all that counts. yesterday i wanted to get to school early and get in a writing zone (extremely hard for me to do if it's before 11 at night or after 4 am) for ap english. so i went down to the fieldhouse to just sit and study around 745. i walk in and he hands me the exam. (they arent supposed to start until 815.) what time did i walk out, you ask? 10-freaking-45. 3 hours. my essays are shit too. and the highest anyones gotten on the multiple choice out of all 3 ap classes is a 45 out of 50. and there are definitely some geniuses in those classes. so once you scale it down to my level we're looking at.... 30-33 out of 50? yeahhhhhh not fun. but whatever. religion exam was 'cake.' (quoth corey)

yeah so then yesterday after school nick and i ventured to guitar center. forget about doing well on exams, i'm getting a new amp and wah wah just to cheer myself up. nick totalllllllly got hit on by some redhead guy. skeevyyyyy! it was very crowded. later on we just chillaxed and chatted after grabbing some food. twas most enjoyable and i dont know why ive never taken the opportunity to talk to nick before this year. at night there was a game and lets not go there. it ends with me feeling wicked stupid and hating playing the guitar. newport creamery afterwards. rachel came! yay! she annie nick and i attacked a holy cow sundae (10 scoops of ice cream with everything on top). it was a good time~

yes so. that is all. sorry.

good times.....

rhythm section love pit: andy, neil, dan, nick, me, will.

saw big fish last night! highly recommend it. liz katie and i (sans rachel... who actually made all of the plans just to get rid of us :) ) hit up the providence place (katie drove yay!) around 7ish. sooo many good people in this movie. and by good i mean hot. ok, a) ewan mcgregor. i'm pretty sure you all know my feelings about him by now (::swoon::). i was totally expecting him to just break out in song!!! too bad he didn't... oh well.... maybe on the soundtrack... b) billy crudup. think:: almost famous (one of the best movies ever!!!) he is just gorgeous. and also he was in that movie... waking the dead (?) with jennifer connelly, of requiem for a dream fame. so by the property of transitivity... they all rock my socks. ok so maybe there were only 2 very hot people, but also in it was.... marla singer! (helena bonham carter) and if you dont know who she is, and you are my friend, then that is inexcusable. i'll give you two hints. 1) brad pitt 2) chuck palaniuk.

but the movie was not just good because of ewan and billy. tim burton is a really trippy director, but this wasnt your typical burton film. nonetheless extremely good and thoughtprovoking. i give it two thumbs up. and this may be me being.... me... but did anyone else ever hear about timmy directing a new version of willy wonka and the chocolate factory? that would be soooooooo awesome because that book is actually very dark if you read closely and i'm sure burton would mos def bring that out in a way that only he could.

yes well then it was back to lizs for food and ashton kutcher. a most enjoyable evening as always. i got home in time for snl, alas it was a repeat. so did i ... study for ap history... or do all that stuff i have to do for acadec? nooooooo i slept. good thing i woke up early; it looks like i've got my work cut out for me. :/ wish me luck, this time in 25 hours itll all be over.

i love you gangsters

done. no more exams. jolly. i'm getting a new amp within the next week :)

finished up history around 1030 this morning. then off to nicks casa. now i'm home. i tell you- nothing like a wicked lazy afternoon with no one else home. i can put the heat on 72 and walk around in shorts, t shirt and flip flops and no one yells at me. i love it. also i can read super wicked trashy delicious catty but engrossing teen novels... like gossipgirl. ("nate was one of those boys you look at and while you're looking at them, you know they're thinking, that girl cant take her eyes off me because i'm so hot. although he didnt act at all conceited about it. he couldnt help looking hot, he was just born that way. poor guy.") yeah come on. for those of you that still actually read, you know you've read/want to read them. i was hesitant at first, but cough cough::ML::cough cough convinced me that it was perfectly acceptable. and then... heh... someone else told me he wanted to read them. so i bought one on impulse the other day. i definitely started it when i got home from nicks and im going to have to finish it tonight because god knows i wont have any free time in the upcoming semester.

i surprisingly find myself almost wishing that it snows tonight so that i don't lose the day off that i should have had today (due to that 'cold day' a couple of fridays ago)

yeah so game tonight. i'm going to go to sleep now. adios loves

picking fights with less- than- smart cranston east kids is a lot of fun. we really should do that more often. my favorite comeback of the night? "i'm going to colllllllllege!" yeah. that shut em right up. good thing our basketball team lost, otherwise we would have gotten the **** kicked out of us. and that is all i have to say.

p.s. darling nikki - prince cover by foo fighters - completely rocks my socks. oh. and you do too.

this has been stuck in my head since... a long time ago. i absolutely love the new cover of this song by 311. i saw them in concert a couple of years ago. positively yummy.

lovesong by the cure

Whenever I’m alone with you you make me feel
Like I am home again whenever I’m alone with
You you make me feel like I am whole again
Whenever I’m alone with you you make me feel
Like I am young again whenever I’m alone with
You you make me feel like I am fun again

However far away I will always love you however
Long I stay I will always love you whatever
Words I say I will always love you I will always
Love you

Whenever I’m alone with you you make me feel
Like I am free again whenever I’m alone with
You you make me feel like I am clean again

However far away I will always love you however
Long I stay I will always love you whatever
Words I say I will always love you I will always
Love you

hooray for no school! alright, going back to sleep. much love.

THIS is all i have to say to snow: birkenstocks win. (as do blue plaid pajama pants).

the score: jess- 1. snow- 0.

ever have one thought consume your mind for way too long of a time period? no matter how hard you try, you just can't push it away? it slowly drives you crazy. especially if you can't do anything about it. or especially when you've tried to mend whatever is on your mind, and sure- it's better- but it's still there, maybe just in a different form now?

maybe you're sitting at your desk, listening to dave, trying to do you chem homework. and bam. it's there.

maybe you love conan. and maybe you're watching him. but you find yourself unable to just burst out in laughter, due to your time lapse of understanding the punch line because you have to replay it in your mind.

maybe you suck at creative writing, and you have an essay due tomorrow that should should have done on your day off yesterday. but you can just forget about it.

maybe you suck at guitar and are desperately trying to teach yourself music theory because you signed up for it for next year. but the notes just swirl around on the paper, completely incomprehensible and hell- you prefer tabs anyway.

maybe you're trying to set a record of reading 4 very trashy teen novels in a very short amount of time, but you keep reading the same sentence over and over and over and over and over.

maybe its the last thing on your mind when you finally fall asleep at night and the first thing that appears in the morning.

maybe you wish you could just make it go away by avoiding it because nonetheless you are very happy.

and also perhaps you never take chances.

feeling a LOT better!
maybe i am capable of a risk here and there.
pep band tour day! no classes for me! w00t! going to two local schools, hopefully it will be fun; alas... no t shirts advertising our tour date (singluar)
then off to see racello at the coffeehouse tonight.
have an uberjolly day!

today literally rocked. the band sounded excellent at both gigs. the first was at my alma mater. it was so weird to step back in those halls. like whoa. a lot fo stuff hit me all at once- mostly memories from 8th grade, but they could be from any year i guess (1-8), and you have to remember that middle school as a whole was completely a blur for me. i remembered all the basketball practices, the middle school plays, a protest organized by ryan and i, lunch with rye dan lena ben mike justin anthony and the crew in the noisy cafetorium (with ryan being the only one i'm still in contact with, really), the decade of the rosary after lunch that merely served to provide teachers with even more opportunities to hand out detentions, the utterly stupid crush i had for 3 years on... well... everybody knows who, the time i got in trouble when i tried to stand up for my friend who was distributed a completely unfair grade of 0, another time when sean threw a screw and it hit a chick's nose dead on, when dave got a concussion from fooling around in religion class, the stupid detention train that one of my teachers organized (biggest fire hazard EVER! they did not listen to me when i told them this, though), being editor of the school newspaper, mike's pinky finger (a desk fell on it), actually liking history and algebra while positively loathing english and literature. yeah. and that was just as i was taking in an amp.

i saw quite a few of my old teachers. it was weird to be back, that's all. haj made my sister stand up in front of the entire school (500-600 kids???) i think i was more embarassed than she was!!! i was definitely feeling the 'hotface.' (oh you know how that goes...) nick rocked out, katie had a fabulous burn from jamaica (as well as wicked excellent wannabe topgun sunglasses), john went insane on the keys, everyone loved neil, and tim got asked for an autograph. ahahahah it was such an ego trip. at the second school the kids were going just nuts, and all their screaming gave me positively the biggest headache. seriously. **note to self: never EVER become an elementary school teacher.** there was one cool kid- he was probably like 4. he got in trouble a bunch of times, and then when everyone was dancing he was forced to sit by himself. the rhythm section all felt his pain. oh, and there was another kid wearing a gumby shirt that we all decided was tres cool as well.

my favorite part of the day was its lack of classes. yeah, that rocked as well. tonight (as i mentioned earlier) i'm going to the coffeehouse at my school because rachel is shredding the cello ('and i'm jello, baby'). additionally, will and dan will be jammin ('oh yeah'). those in attendence conmigo is yet to be determined. im thinking liz gerry and nick are gracing me with their presences. so no doubt things will be jolly.

i found out today that my retreat leading group is totally stacked. it's going to be a very good time. we are leading the retreat of some freshman homeroom the first week of march. w00t, another day off. i'm already eagerly anticipating it.

my winter ball is in one week! craziness! also, i'm going with the fabulous dan (the man!!!) gilcreast to his wb for hendi on 28 feb. oh man, we are going to simply dance the shoes off everyone else. i am so stoked--

i dont know really much else to write about except that i'm supposed to have a speech (on any topic) prepared for acadec tomorrow. ahhhh. what to write it on? any ideas? i want to do something about hendrix, i'm thinking. or kurt cobain... about how it's better to burn out than to fade away... but i dont know. it can be anything, please im me or leave a comment if you have any ideas at all. i think tomorrow evening shall be spent in the lovely company of flyryeguy if all goes well. it was his birthday yesterday, you know! so we're going to celebrate with a crazy night on the town and then going to spain for dessert. yum. im a huge fan of food.

ok well. that is all for now.

the coffeehouse was quite fun. jude played oasis and it was awesome. people recited poetry, some of which had substance! ok, fine, all of it had substance. i'm just jealous because i know i'll never be able to write like that.

and i lied about rachel shredding the cello. she sang (the eagles!!! When we're hungry...love will keep us alive...) with becka-roo. they were splendid!!

dan and bill tore it up with jimmy-a-bob (might not have spelled that right but thats what it sounds like. you gotta say it very quickly) and a song about a cowgirl riding a mechanical bull. she lost. 5 times. yeah, that bull damn near killed her. they were awesome. i think a lot of people just didn't know how to react (you were supposed to laugh). i thought it was a practice in improv, but it turns out they actually... um... practiced that. :) major props to the honeydew duo.

afterwards liz rach gerry bill dan nick and i attacked the creamery. turns out some local middle school must have had a dance or something because it soon became packed. i think it is one of the few times i've eaten at the creamery without the hideous pep band shirt on! when nick and i walked in, our waitress was like no way you guys arent coming tonight right? we definitely strike fear into the hearts of npc waitresses everywhere. but yeah so there was like... this one chick... she couldnt have been older than like 12. and she was dressed like such. a. whore. it was ridiculous. bill thought it was hilarious, found out her name, and proceeded to have eye sex with her the whole time we were there, just to skeeve her out. it definitely worked. bill just was exuding skeeviness last night- in a plaid flannel shirt that he stole from a store on thayer street, a cowboy hat, and a pink tie. he was hilarious. nick was cracking up, it was great. rach is going with bill to the hendi winter ball. it's going to simply rock.

came home and definitely didnt rot away brain cells reading mindless crap. actually, yeah, i really didn't. i started undaunted courage for acadec. ugh. ::dies:: now i'm off to la biblioteca because i have so much work to make up from taking the day off for the pep band shock and awe tour 2004. then acadec at 2. then the evening with ryan for a belated compleanos.

but first... some lyrics. this band, zox, rox my sox. i'm going to see them at the strand on valentine's day!!!!! (liz rach rye and nick, call me asap) last night jude played eventually by them at the coffeehouse, but it didnt seem quite appropriate for this entry. (nonetheless it was excellent when she played it anoche!)

i think these will do just fine.

delicious by zox

what a difference a day makes
silence so delicious on days like these
and by the time that my resolve breaks
i've already found the beauty down on my knees
you know i want to be something
i never want to be someone new
some people telling me one thing
but i know if i fall i'll hold on to you

i've got the strength for believing
life is so contagious in times like these
you might say it's the season
and lift me up if i ask you please
i got a heart for intentions
don't always know where i'm gonna go
lead you a different direction
i can change your life if you let me grow