smileyjess

yet again i sit here with my mind wandering aimlessly in weak attempts to think of something worth my writing and your reading. ugh, i hate this. i want so desperately to write something meaningful instead of the usual superficial crap that you are guaranteed to find here.

i suppose i can talk about the impending college application process for my fellow juniors and i. i mean really. what is it all about. before i even turn 18 i'm supposed to automatically know what i want to do with the rest of my life. god forbid i pick the wrong thing. sometimes i feel as if i'm being pulled in too many directions. there is a major difference between what i want to do and what i know i should do. toss in a little bit of my inherently obsessive compulsive nature and a family driven towards perfectionism and bam! you've got yourself quite the mixed drink of my future.

sometimes i feel as if all the work i'm putting into school and life in general will ultimately be fruitless. ill end up just another volvo (if i'm even that lucky) driving soccer mom in middle class white suburbia. i dont want to be like that! (*note: there is nothing wrong with that at all! it's just not what i personally want*) i used to think i just wanted to be successful- whatever that even means. now i realize what i really want is to be fulfilled- and i think i have an inkling of what this means to me. it's always subject to change, but at least it's better than the alternative elusive noun.

sometimes i am able to catch this feeling of fulfillment. it is different for everyone, of course, but there are certain times in my life when i am like yes. this is what i want to be when i grow up. this is how i will determine happiness. these feelings of fulfillment may last anywhere from 1 minute to hours, days, weeks, months. who knows, maybe someday i'll reach years. it is in these moments that i'm able to relax and fully reflect on what is truly important to me. sure, getting into an ivy league college is important to me, but there are other things too. sure, i'd love to own a pair (or 100...) of manolos, but i'm realizing that manolos arent everything. i'm also slowing learning that it is not the end of the world if i dont get my desired grades, similar to the way it is not the end of the world if my parents dont extend my curfew, or let me take the car when i want it, or if someone is mad at me, or if i cant control the uncontrollable (no matter how hard i futilely [word????-- whatever... please let me rant...] attempt to).

i feel fulfilled every time i'm with my friends. i feel fulfilled with i'm reading a good book, and the whole world and all its problems disappear as i am absorbed by the text. i feel fulfilled with i sip hot chocolate or chai. i feel fulfilled when i run, when i bike, when i'm on a trail and its so quiet and theres no one else around for miles and all you can hear are the birds and tumbling waterfalls in the distance. or when im in a friends backyard sleeping under the stars (no matter how cold it may be). when life seems in order because i can line up skittles by color and eat them one by one purple, orange, green, yellow, red and everything seems okay for a minute because thats all im focusing on. (damn ocd tendencies...) when i'm on top of a wave. when i get game point. when i wake up to dave matthews band's crush or bob marley's is this love. when i go to sleep to any DMB cd. when i read ee cummings. or jack kerouac. when my hair is wet and full of sand and salt from the ocean, then letting air dry. when i can play a song i love to listen to. when my writer's block goes away. when i'm at a fancy restaurant with a friend and all we do is get lost in conversation as we remain oblivious to the fact that we are providing free entertainment for all those arround us. when i think of everything thats ahead of me, just waiting for me to arrive. when i'm not afraid to take chances. when i think about getting out of rhode island and into the real world. when i daydream about hippie buses and cross continent road trips, planehopping and backpacking. when i realize that i'm willing to sacrifice a lot to achieve all these things and more in order to truly appreciate my life and everything about it.

in these moments i transcend reality. rise above all the petty bs that comes along with my role as 16 year old high school junior in white middle class suburban female.

now replace each fulfillment with infinite.

the irony... if something is infinite, it can never be 'fulfilled,' right? now that i think about it, i think i prefer to be infinite because it is kind of fun to try to figure out what it is that makes me achieve the metaphorical high. i guess if i'm fulfilled, there's no room to add more stuff, and i dont ever want to limit my range of things that make me feel this way. whereas if i'm infinite, there are endless possibilities to seek out and discover. so... yes... i prefer to be infinite and to possess an insatiable thirst that can only be quenched by discovering what enables me experience such strong positive emotions. this is what i plan to do with in my life.

where can i go to major in that?

two claps for 64 degrees!

zero time to write- had the day off from classes to lead a retreat for freshman- so much work to make up- just wanted to write a quick note about how awesome my night was. one part rhythm section (con fuego!!!!), two parts 100- watt amps, one part [still new] 90-watt amp, and one part senior night. special ingredient includes a visit from dan and a bet in which i risked all my money (one whole american dollar). oh, and ear licks. mmmk.

this song is at the end of fight club, mi pelicula favorita! (chuck palahniuk's brainchild starring ::swoon:: brad pitt.) it's been stuck in my head all day. it's called 'where is my mind' by the pixies and it rocks my socks. props to nick. (oh, and the lyric site)

Ooooooh - stop

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind (3x)

Way out in the water
See it swimmin'

I was swimmin' in the Carribean
Animals were hiding behind the rock
Except the little fish
But they told me, he swears
Tryin' to talk to me to me to me

Where is my mind (3x)

Way out in the water
See it swimmin' ?

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind (3x)

Ooooh
With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Ooooh
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Ooooh
Ooooh

dear jess
next time your powerbar is too cold to be able to chew comfortably and you get the great idea to stick in the microwave to soften it up please remember to remove the tinfoil(esque) wrapper. thaaaaaaaaanks.
love always
jess

p.s. maybe if you slept more your brain might function properly. just a hint.

just a quick note- yes i am alive. very much looking forward to this weekend though i can't say i'll be posting too much.

but before i begin... lets just take a moment for mah boyzzzzz.

dear ____, please. let 2004 be *the* year. i will trade you my soul. sincerely, jess.

for a thursday, today was not so terrible. it started off quite rainy, but i had found the pink sunglasses i had misplaced a few weeks ago and of course i had to rock those. i merely said that i did not want to let the rain get in my contacts... the day itself was quite tedious, starting off with me realizing i forgot to write the calculations down on my chem lab (no worries! that's what homeroom's for, right?) and then an apushist test who's ass i kicked. ((i hope)) senior lunch. came home, ran, did hw, avoided doing my first obi essay since before vacation (whoaza- i almost forgot for a second just how much my writing sucks). promised jon that i'd watch friends and will and grace and would not get a 'head start' on the essay. lol nobody worry though. it's 9:50 right now and i still havent started. whatever. itll get done.... somehow....

tomorrow i get to skip classes... unfortunately only in order to study for the acadec competition on sunday. 12 hours!!!!!! i'm going to simply perish. ugh. it all comes down to this, folks. economics, math, superquiz (on the lewis and clark expedition), botany, language and literature, art, music, speech, interview..... shit... there's one more.... oh well... i can't think of it right now....

heading over to drews after school with rach and nick then we're all off to the girls game (tip off at 700!) for senior night festivities and of course the subsequent rocking (literally) after party. :) our last home game of the season... it went by so quickly.... on to playoffs! unfortunately, the girls have their championship game (i'm being wicked optimistic here...) the same night as the john mayer concert, so it doesnt look like i'll be going to see jm after all :( oh well... ill save my 45 dollars and hopefully buy a ticket to see dave in connecticut when he comes around in july instead. i hope so.

so yes. that english essay. right.

wrong.

oh i got kicked out of the school library today! :) with meg james and tj. nick did too, but only because of us. he said maybe 2 words the whole time. ((i'm a bad influence, i guess!)) but yeah. we're wicked badass like that, what can i say.

i'm trying to pretend like i didn't miss ziggy marley last night at lupo's. man that would have been indescribably awesome ....next time....

alright well i suppose you should not suffer any further ramblings at the expense of my laziness.

until next time gangsters.

today is an incredibly dreary day. the sky's been gray since i woke up around 9 or so this morning, and only now am i able to see the lightest shade of blue peeking through the clouds. even though it totally sucks, it's a good climate for studying- i'm not tempted to go outside the confines of my room save for the occasional cup of tea and handful of oyster crackers (and yes, perhaps a spoonful of fluff).

academic decathalon is tomorrow at ccri. i've got to be there around 730ish. the tests start at 830, and i give my speech at 1030 (please send all your good karma my way- i'm going to need it). then more tests. then my interview at like 230 or something. i'm not sweating that really.... i can handle that. i hope. essay writing at ?? shouldnt be *too* bad... all those obadiah essays have prepared me well (or so i like to think...) ironically, i think that i'm most screwed for the botany and music sections. go figure. it's all too much, too late at this point. i'm going to go in exuding a strong aura of false confidence. so strong that ill even convince myself that i'm ready. and i will definitely be running on caffeine and sugar. my breakfast for tomorrow will consist of: one venti sumatra (straight black), one package of skittles, and one diet coke. lunch will be the same. i am not worried. i am calm, confident, and focused.

yesterday was really fun. i was technically excused from classes for the whole day in order to more fully prepare to rpresent school tomorrow, but i felt compelled to attend chem and analysis because i'm not feeling too good about either of those classes right now. third quarter's a bitch, man. 3 months to go. i got this.

after school nick rach drew and i headed over to drews. after dropping off books, guitars, etc, we all headed over to the north attelborough guitar center to pick up a gift certificate for haj to mark the end of the pep band season. we ran into danny b. there, jamming away, trying out some new pedals (he is commonly referred to as the 'effects master.' personally i feel that all one needs is a wah wah pedal and a distortion pedal in order to be all set.) he had a nice little repertoire going. sounded very good to me! :) then back to drews for some family guy with annie and katie. arrived back at school to start playing at 630. senior night was a huge success. i'm going to miss them all so much- dan, dan, neil, drew, john, and rob.... oh man. i still remember last years senior night vividly... it's been a year already? i think there were 7 seniors last year, among them andy and will who i'm very lucky to see relatively often (which is beyond awesome) my own senior night will be next year. that will be nuts. there will be 11 of us! that's one third of the band! ...pure insanity... the game was good, our chicks totally dominated over bay view. (hah! to think my parents wanted me to go there at one time... oh wait. yes, my dad still doesnt forgive me for not... right... lol) andy and will came back to chillax. liz rach scorp kieran danny dylan tim were all there. pb had a brief after party... good times... we gave rob his gift- $250 dollars that we had raised between the 30 of us for the "Don't Rob Rob" fund (most unfortunately his radio was stolen a few weeks ago outside of brown university) so hopefully that will cover a portion of the cost for a new one. he was so surprised, it was totally awesome. then we headed over to the creamery as we always do on friday nights. it was very crowded between all the pb and non-pb members. nick corey sarah and i left around 1030 (relatively early) and headed over to the cable car cafe to sip chais and coffees. good convo commenced. (guys, i successfully relatively parallel parked!!!!!) sarah had to be home for midnight so around 1145 or so (i guess) we left. i dropped nick and corey at nicks then headed home. i was dead tired, yet couldnt sleep. ended up staying online until 230a just chatting with a few inebriated amigos and enjoying the conversation.

so yes. an awesome end to a day.

fell asleep to ben kweller and woke up around 9. this song was playing and i'm been humming it all day as i mercilessly cram useless information on plant reproduction, the lewis and clark expedition, and death comes for the archbishop ("the book's title- death for the archbishop- is an excellent example of foreshadowing" <-- i swear to god that's in the study guide for language and lit!!!) of course, it is my latest obsession: ben kweller... felt like he was singing it to me... this one really reminds me a lot of weezer (circa blue album)

MAKE IT UP

I need a new direction to get me around.
You don't have protection as you're coming down.

I still think we should meditate.

heh... i would 'meditate' with ben any time. is that what they're calling it these days? ;)

another begins.

well well well! we got 6th out of 24 teams! not bad, considering a) school has never placed in the top 10, and b) no one took it seriously. which is just a reflection of how little the other 18 teams behind us prepared!

wheeler won as expected. they meet everyday after school and on weekends. not one wheeler kid left without at least 2 medals. some were literally hunched over with the weight of their awards. me? nothing. but i have something much better than those dustcollectors, and that is something called a life! (obi voice! :))

it was a 13 hour affair and i was exhausted when i got home around 8 ish. unfortunately i felt compelled to attend school today... i didnt hand in an assignment on friday and got an extension to today so i felt obligated to hand it in on time. but i was up until 12 writing it. then i couldnt sleep. then i did, for a few hours, then it was school.

i tried to take notes with my eyes closed in 3rd period apushist today. who said notes ever had to be straight???? came home after school today and crashed. for a total of 4.5 hours. nice work, nice work.

in other news....

my previous post deserves some explanation, i know. several have inquired via im. well, most know i suck at confrontations. but for once, i was not afraid to stand up for myself and say that i had wanted to say for so long. it was less than welcomed, but ever so liberating. a long time ago i had picked up and moved on... at a snail's pace. in the past 24 hours i feel as if i have sprinted and made it to a place where i should have arrived about a year ago. (perhaps this is why i am so mentally exhausted) but yes, it is good to be at this point now. paradoxically energizing.

and i have no regrets.

havne't been writing much because not a whole lot has been going down. i was more than tired of this week by third period on monday, and it's just been downhill since then. nothing bad or anything- just unbelievably mentally/physically exhausted. i know i said it just a few posts ago but i cannot stress how much of a bitch third quarter is. school has just been crazy. i had a chem test today... when i went to study for it last night, i realized i didn't even know what chapter we're on because we just started it like: last friday. 1 chapter a week until end of school. if i live remind me to have a binder burning ceremony (similar to the one acadec is planning on having sometime soon!) there were like 12 kids in chem today. the other 8 just decided not to bother coming in because they knew the test was going to be killer. it wasnt that bad, but then again... maybe i have a false sense of comfort. oh and also i had an analysis test yesterday that devoured my soul. i have a feeling i'll be seeing a grade i havent seen since first quarter freshman geometry on it. whatever.

volleyball tryouts started last night. i was totally stressing out all day. (possibly why i freaked out over the stupid analysis quiz?) early dismissal wednesdays are total lifesavers. drove to hendricken and picked up dan. saw rye! he could not join us due to a late driving lesson. que triste :( dan and i drove around the east side and just talked for the whole time. it was great, totally made me feel a lot better about.... like everything. i dropped him off then headed back to school for tryouts. it felt so good to just get a lot of things off my mind and relax with mi amigo. i entered the fieldhouse completely levelheaded and was able to concentrate. i guess they went... neutrally. i'm not in a lot of pain today... for some reason my neck is giving me trouble (but that could be from falling asleep while trying to study for chem). yeah so. i'm going back for round two tonight at 6, so wish me luck. i definitely need it. varsity or nothing, kids. im giving it my best and not permitting myself to set me up for disappointment. thats all i can do, right? right.

i'm going to sleep now. g'afternoon.

a couple of weeks ago i mentioned waking up to bob marley on my radio, and how it was one of the best days i had had in awhile. it is positively amazing the effects that music has on me. there are songs i associate with certain people, songs i associate with certain events... we all do this. today, is my ode to bob.

some kids have pacifiers. some kids have blankies. others have a teddy bear or 1000 (like my little sister). me? i had legend by bob marley and the wailers. random much? yes. i vividly remember dancing upstairs to 'jammin' and knocking over a lamp. (i was only four, cut me some slack here!) just completely lost in the music. when you're four, you dont have much to think about. will the boy sitting next to you share his crayons with you, will your best friend sit next to you at lunch. when i was little i'd say a good portion of my thinking went to bob marley. i used to hum 'three little birds' constantly... i didnt really know the words, but i knew the tune... for show and tell one day in preschool, i brought in the cd. they probably thought my parents were such dreaded-rasta-potsmoking hippies. (my mom always said they never really looked at her and my dad the same way after that....) how cool is that though? 4 years old, bringing in bob marley. i even remember making everyone listen to jammin.

so where is all this going, you ask? i think i had a point somewhere in here....

ah yes. the moral.

whatever music i'm listening to is directly related to my mood (obviously). i've got straight gangsta for driving to the beach, weezer for those days when i need to wake up on the ride to school, the wallflowers for when i'm complacent, everclear for when im down and hating essentially everything, and of course dave matthews band for any emotion ever. but i suppose my immense love for bob sort of symbolizes a return to... being 4? it's my security blanket, my old pacifier.

is this love was one of the first couple of tunes i learned to play on mi guitarra (while my guitar gently weeps by the beatles was the first). then three little birds, and redemption song, followed by one love. the book is somewhere buried within the depths of my lair, i must dig it out.

but yes, things have been a little too much for me lately, i suppose. alas, have no fear- bob is here. he makes me put things in perspective, and also forces me to acknowledge what i really want to be when i grow up: a dreaded rasta hippie.

i really should start working on that now.

'three little birds' - bob marley

don't worry about a thing,
'cause every little thing gonna be all right.
singin' don't worry about a thing,
'cause every little thing gonna be all right!

rise up this mornin',
smiled with the risin' sun,
three little birds
pitch by my doorstep
singin' sweet songs
of melodies pure and true,
sayin' this is my message to you-ou-ou

singin': don't worry 'bout a thing,
'cause every little thing gonna be all right
singin': don't worry (don't worry) 'bout a thing
'cause every little thing gonna be all right

rise up this mornin',
smiled with the risin' sun,
three little birds
pitch by my doorstep
singin' sweet songs
of melodies pure and true,
sayin' this is my message to you-ou-ou

singin' don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh
every little thing gonna be all right. don't worry
singin' don't worry about a thing - i won't worry
'cause every little thing gonna be all right."

singin' don't worry about a thing,
'cause every little thing gonna be all right - i won't worry
singin' don't worry about a thing,
'cause every little thing gonna be all right
singin' don't worry about a thing, oh no
'cause every little thing gonna be all right

a most delightful afternoon of chuck palaniuk (diary) and dmb has me ready to head off to the third and final night of volleyball tryouts. i've been living off of motrin and coffee the past few days... terribly afraid that if i eat anything after 1130a i'll puke... i havent even touched the brand new jar of fluff that seems to beckon to me. each time i walk into the kitchen to refill my coffee cup or waterbottle. it's all about keeping hydrated...

but yes so final cuts are tonight. i think i'm going to have to skip the pep band game (known to most people as the first round of playoffs for the boys). it starts at 830 but by the time i get out of vball, drive home from prov to cranston, shower, get all my guitar stuff together, and drive to warwick... the game will be almost over i figure. and then if i went i'd get roped into going back to school to drop off the drum set, amps, music stands, etc (the game is at CCRI tonight.) then we'd go to the creamery which is always a good time except that by then it will be almost midnight and i will most definitely be running on low to no energy at that point. the sis is over an amigas for the evening, and the rents wont be home until late. thusly- due to my laziness/exhaustion, it looks like my plans for tonight include a wicked hot shower, ben and jerrys phish food (definitely one of my comfort foods!), and an newly opened friends season 3 dvd. most excellent.

ok well... wish me luck...

i leave you with the song that will most likely be stuck in my head for the next couple of hours:

seek up

By: Dave Matthews Band

Sometimes I feel like I'm falling
Fall back again, fall back again,
Fall back again, fall back again

Oh, life it seems a struggle between
What we think what we see
I'm not going to change my ways
Just to please you or appease you
Inside a crowd, five billion proud
Willing to punch it out
Right, wrong, weak, strong
Ashes to ashes all fall down
Look around about this round
About this merry-go-round around
If at all God's gaze upon us fall
His mischievous grin, look at him

Forget about the reasons and
The treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
Our emotions can be swept away
Forget about being guilty,
We are innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away

Sit awhile with TV's hungry child
Big belly swelled
Oh, for a price of a coke or a smoke
Keep alive those hungy eyes
Take a look at me, what you see in me,
Mirror look at me
Face it all, face it all again

Forget about the reasons and
The treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that your emotions can be
Wept away, kept at bay
Forget about being guilty, I am innocent instead
For soon we will all find our lives swept away

You seek up an emotion
And our cup is overflowing
You seek up an emotion,
Sometimes your well is dry
You seek up a big monster
For him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you, the devil's not
Going--ha, ha

Say, say

Look at me in my fancy car
And my bank account
Oh, how I wish I could take it all down
Into my grave, I'd save
Take a look again, take a look again,
Take a look again
Everyday things change...stay the same

Forget about the reasons and
The treasons we are seeking
Forget about the notion that
Your emotions can be swept away
Intentions are not wicked,
Don't be tricked into thinking so
Soon we will all find our lives swept away

You seek up an emotion
And our cup is overflowing
You seek up an emotion,
Sometimes your well is dry
You seek up a big monster
For him to fight your wars for you
But when he finds his way to you,
The devil's not going - ha, ha
Fall back again, fall back again, fall back again

i made it. :) please do me a favor-- any time i start bitching about practice/games/coaches/whatever- stop me and remind me how much i wanted to be on this team. because i really do love playing. even if i'm not that good... it's just that playing a sport at the varsity level really makes me feel like i belong at school. because we all know that school sports come before academics. now maybe ill feel like i actually belong in the fieldhouse- i used to get so uncomfortable walking around there after school for one reason or another. everyone is so good at their respective sports, and i cant help but feel like i have 'nerd' stamped on my head because i'm not in a bball, track, tennis, cheerleading, lacrosse, swim, soccer uniform. plus usually i'm just lugging an amp or 4 music stands between the bball courts and the band room. but now i hope that i dont feel so weird anymore.

ended up going to the game last night after all. i left school around 745, came home, showered, grabbed la guitarra, and headed off to ccri for the boys first playoff game. they lost. (surprise. hahaha)

i found this wonderfully amusing:
- the boys bball team had a regular ol' school bus.
- the pep band had a coach bus.

for once my school had its priorities in the right places. :)

read this and comment profusely.

such crap. the man is dead, let him be. it's been 10 years now. of course he would never really mean shit like that. i hate hole and i hate c.l. .... she so f*cking killed him.

i love you, kurt.

it's a good thing its not like it's 1026p and also it's not like i have procrastinated doing all my weekend homework until now or anything.

sunday nights suck. the end love jess

happy monday (oxymoron)

i was up way too late last night/this morning writing an essay for english that half the class didn't even bother doing. not that i blame them, i was just afraid to not hand it in on time because i heard recently our ap english teacher got in trouble for some lax less-than-ap level rules. which is crap because despite the extensions we sometimes (read: never!) receive are never long enough anyways and i've never had to work so hard for one class ever. not even freshman geometry (my first b! ahhh, the terror! haha)

but yeah so i wrote 4/5 of that last night and the last part in my free period today. then i had a killer take home quiz for analysis. oh, anal.

heh. sorry.

the rest of my weekend was very good though. saturday afternoon i just kind of chillaxed for a little bit, finished up chuck palahniuk, slept. headed over to wills casa around 630ish to meet up with him ben andy john and beth. we sent john and beth to go get a movie for us and they returned (approximately an hour and a half later [ahem!!!!]) with the ring. it wasnt that scary because a) i had already seen it and b) we talked through the whole thing. good times, good times. i was, however, admittedly a little freaked out as i drove home by myself late that night....

sunday... oh! patty and i worked on our history project! it's supposed to be a 5-8 page photo essay on knightsville (a sub-town of cranston) from like... a long time ago and now. we've already got a bunch of old pictures from some books, so we headed out to the block that is knightsville and took a bunch of photos with the digital. i will definitely have to post some. (pattys straddling stuff) how can carpenter not laugh? our project for next quarter will be to create a website based on our findings, so you can bet you'll see a link whenever that's due.

then i came home, expecting to have to do that essay, but instead i took a trip with the madre [and the madres credit card heh] to the mall. shopping ensued. i'll spare you the details. got 3 new pairs of shoes (lord and taylor was having a crazy sale!!!) and some stuff at a&f. there was a chicks' game at night at ric. it was so cramped ebcause there wasnt a whole lot of room--- we had to put the amps underneath the bleachers! i was the only gutiarist for a little while there... then nick showed up after church (what a nice little italian boy) and then dan. the girls won, so now we've got a game on wednesday night also. then, if they win that, it's championships at URI. last year it was at the 'dunk' but now john mayer is playing there so they moved it this year. i think its better this way because the dunk seats 13000 and of course it always looked a little empty, but i think they can nearly (if not totally) fill up the ryan center. that would be chill. plus, dave's played there! so if they girls advance to the championship i would have the privilege to say that i've played in 2 of the same venues as dave matthews (and tim reynolds!)

well i am off. practice, hockey game, home, bed, dreamland.

oh. right. maybe homework? psssh!

the weather today is perfect for a little emo.

A Plain Morning by Dashboard Confessional
It is yet to be determined,
but the air is thick,
& my hope is feeling worn.
I'm missing home,
& I'm glad you're not a part of this,
there are parts of me that will be missed.
And the phone is always dead to me,
so I can't tell you the temperature is dropping
& it feels like

it is colder than it ought to be in March
& I still have a day or two ahead of me
till I'll be heading home,
into your arms again.
And the people here are asking after you.
It doesn't make it easier.
It doeasn't make it easier to be away.

I'd like to hire a plane.
I'd see you in the morning,
when the day is fresh.
I'm coming home again.
It's warmer where you're waiting.
It feels more like July.
Ther's pillows in their cases
& one of those is mine.
And you wrote the words I love you,
& sprayed it with perfume.
It is better than the fire is
to heat this lonely room.
It is warmer where you're waiting
It feels more like July.

i have one word for you: twanga! (neil king, 2004)

ok, fine i've got several words for you. this week flew by. volleyball will do that to you. no school tomorrow. most excellent. monday i can't really remember much about... tuesday it started to snow, and practice was canceled. i came home and slept, which made up for sunday's all-nighter and monday's 2 hour-er.

wednesday was que excelente. not really a lot went down, except that we all got kicked out of the library again. here is a peek at what exactly went down, as recorded by tj and myself*:

scene: fiction section of the school library. enter: jess, tj, tom, patty, dave, and meg, all seated, quietly minding their own business(es), pretending to be doing homework when in actuality they all believe they have finally outsmarted the librarians.

enter: librarian.
librarian: WHAT are you DOING! this is the FICTION section! it is for QUIET READING only! leave the FICTION section immediately!
jess, tj, tom, patty, dave, and meg all glance at each other, desperately holding back laughter. no one moves.
librarian: NOW!
jess, tj, tom, patty, dave, and meg ever so slowly get up from their chairs (and... admittedly... tables) to depart from the ever so [un]frequented fiction section of the school library. all take seats at tables in main part of the library. [here comes tj's part]
TJ: is this the writing room, can i do my homework at this table
librarian: walks away
tom: awkward stare at the librarian
later:
jess, tj, meg, and james at one table, cracking up hysterically.
librarian: leave. now.
end scene.

*disclaimer: a work of fiction.*

so yes, we lost that round. today i was telling obi about how the librarian hates all of us (50% of the original 6 are tied for number 1 in class rank lol). he said he'll put in a good word. obi and i also had a nice conversation about how he bears a striking resemblance to bin laden, and also who i should marry.

wednesday night was the chicks game at RIC. semi-finals. we won, por supuesto! it started at 8, so i was only 15 minutes late once vball was over. ross came! i was so surprised. he's home fror spring break from yale. seeing him reminded me why yale is, and shall forever remain to be, my number one reach school. it was really great to see him.

so yes, tomorrow = no school, practice at night. i can't really sleep late though que triste. a million things to do for history, and an analysis test that i need to do well on to boost my grade. argh. tournament on saturday at ep. championship game at URI at 6 on saturday night. very excited. we will be getting a coach bus once again (for the 4th time! hotness!)

yes well now i'm done, i guess. nighters.

Let You Down by Dave Matthews Band

I let you down
Let me pick you up
I let you down
Let me climb up you to the top
So I can see the view from up there
Tangled in your hair
I let you down
I have no lid upon my head
But if i did
You could look inside and see
What's on my mind
I let you down, oh, forgive me
You give me love
Let me walk with you, maybe I could say
Maybe talk with you, open up
And let me through
Don't walk away
Don't walk away
I have no lid upon my head
But if I did
You could look inside and see what's on my mind
You could look inside and see what's on my mind
I let you down
How could I be such a fool like me
I let you down
Tail between my legs
I have no lid upone my head
but if i did
you could look inside and see
whats on my mind
I let you down
Forgive me
Forgive me
Forgive me
I let you down

what have patty and i been doing today?

just a little bit of work on our history project.... we really are putting this images in our paper. dont think we wont!

hooray for redheads

"You know when you get that feeling when your brain says yes, but your heart says no... and your brain's like 'come on, heart' and your heart's 'like come on, John, make your brain shut up' and so you go, 'just stop it, both of you' and then you all get in a huge argument."
-John Mayer-

I'm totally regretting not going to that concert last night. He played a snippet of Justin's Senorita... with the strat... over his head.... ::melts just imagining it::

Shhh... everyone's entitled to their guilty pleasures... John and Justin are mine.

as always, it is sunday night and i still have a list of things to do
-english 20% essay comparing sir gawain and jesus
-history dbq
-study for history test
-history project on knightsville to wrap up for tuesday
-study for analysis test
-propaganda handout for religion
-spanish map of bolivia
-spanish handout on habitat for humanity in south america
-chemistry questions

oh well. ill pull an all nighter if i absolutely have to. this weekend has been insanely hectic, and not just for me. it seems as if everyone's struggling with that obi essay. for one, we never even discussed the book; for another, he never clearly defined enough points to cover; and lastly i've never read the bible. whatever. google is my hero.

but yeah so friday patty and i worked on that history project for a good portion of the day. at night i had practice, then went out with scorp jennan and rachel for some grub and good conversation. already i feel so much more confident in our ability to work well as a team this year as opposed to last year. we just chillaxed and chatted for over 2 hours. it was awesome. we decided that we'll probably end up doing this every friday night since practice wont be over until 8 anyways, and i think that this is a simply splendid idea.

saturday i woke up super early to be at east providence high for a round robin. we went against all division a teams (we're b). i thought we did well enough. of course, kristin does not. we were originally informed that we were only playing 2 games and would be released by 12. i was stoked. in actuality though we played four games and were free around 3. this gave me just enough time to race home, shower, and race back to school to meet the pb bus to head to north kingstown URI campus for the chicks championship game at the ryan center. i was uber jealous because i had missed the parade that morning and everyone was sporting delicious sun- and windburns. the game itself was no contest. we won by 30 or 40 something points. it was awesome. andy visited which is always tres cool. afterwards i wasnt really up for heading to the creamery and so instead opted to pick up racello and head over to casa de tashash.

today my little sister had a very long (but very good) orchestra concert (which also featured racello!) at rhodes on the pawtuxet. i brought analysis and history and studied. shelby got a rose from her little boyfriend. i got the complimentary brownies and coffee. come to think of it, she got that too. damn it. i suck.

mount lost the hockey championship for the first time in 26 years. this is fucking incredible. for rhode islanders this news will be forever imprinted in their minds as much as kennedy's assassination and 9/11. where were you when you found out mount lost? i was on the pep band bus back to school.

i don't really know what else to write about. personally, i dont very much care for the ol' "today i did this and yesterday i did that" entries. i dont mean to be such a bore. i wish i could express what's on my mind. i wish i knew what was on my mind other than the equations of circles, ellipses, parabolas, and hyperbolas or the components of the civil rights act of 1964 and the voting rights act of 1965.

these days its kind of been easier to focus on these things other than facing the thoughts that so demandingly push to the head of the line. trying to suppress them is taking a toll on my ability to sleep. the past few nights i've had some really funky dreams that was quite undecipherable. high highs, low lows.

what you don't understand you can make mean anything -chuck palahniuk

being inherently perfectionistic is such a bitch.

as usual, i've got nothing to say. game tonight. we're 1 and 0. go lady rams ("ewes," if you will. i will.)

i love the light that brings a smile across your face

sat's this saturday at ric- the same day dave tickets go on sale. oh man, i cannot even wait for 6 and 7 july. sitting on the lawn. amigos mejores. dave. boyd. stefan. carter. leroi. tash dance and crazy stars. perhaps a light rain? hackey sack. "the smell of [herbs] in wafting in the air..." transcending this world. tan faces and sunkissed highlights. thumping bass. glossy sweat upon a layer of salt from the atlantic. pulsing drums. birkenstocks and blankets. good times.

a breath between us could be miles

countdown to the end of school: 78 days, with weekends and april vacation. 49 without? completely do-able. only 12 days until mi cumpleanos. 17 years. thats not a big one or anything. it's like congrats- this year you can really drive -no permit bs- but you're not legal.

every time i'm close to you, there's too much i can't say

i guess this is all thats on my mind. i leave you with taylor by jack johnson. i heard it on the way home from the game tonight and i can't stop it from replaying in my mind.

Taylor was a good girl
never one to be late
complain express ideas in her brain
Workin on the night shift
passin out the tickets
you're gonna have to pay her
if you want to park here.
Well mommy's little dancer's
quite a little secret
workin on the streets now
never gonna keep it.
It's quite an imposition
And now she's only wishin'
That she would have listened
To the words they said.
Poor Taylor.

Well she just wonders around
uneffected by
the winter winds, yeah
and she'll pretend that
well she's somewhere else
so far and clear
about 2,000 miles from here.

Peter Patrick pitter patters on the window
And Sunny's silhouette won't let him in
and poor old Pete's got nothin 'cause he's been fallin'
but somehow Sunny knows just where he's been
He thinks that singin' on a Sunday's gunna save his soul
but now that Saturday's gone
Well somehow he thinks that he's on his way
but I can see, that his break lights are on

And he just wonders around
uneffected by
the winter winds, yeah
and he'll pretend that
well he's somewhere else
so far and clear
about 2,000 miles from here.

She's such a tough enchilada
filled up with nada
givin' what she got to give to get dollar bills
she used to be a limber chick
time's a been tickin'
now she's finger lickin to the man
with the money in his pockets
flyin in his rocket
only stoppin by on his way to a better world
if Taylor finds a better world
Taylor's gunna run away

a voicemail from the madre:

"hi jess it's mom. it's about 7pm on thursday and i was just wondering where you were... call me when you get this..."

is it sad that i find this perfectly normal? i mean, how was my family supposed to know i have volleyball EVERY NIGHT from 6-8. it's not as though this is my third year doing vball or as if we're already on week 3 of the season (with a tournament and a game already down).

oh wait! wait!

YES IT IS!!!!!!!!

i need fluff. and sleep. now.

what a long week it has been. yesterday and this afternoon were not bad at all, but this evening was que terible. but i'll spare you the details.

we're 2-0. beat cranston west last night. it's always weird, traveling to west.... i know 90% of the chicks on the other team. that's where i would go if i didn't go to school. ::shiver:: afterwards i had to complete the Chem Lab of Death. everything was all messed up, bottom line: it took me until about 130 this morning to finally effing make up ("fudge," as lenny says) the data. my partner was like yeah i'm not coming in on friday, so i was completely dependent upon joe and shan. thanks guys.

i have migrated from the library to the caf in the am's now. yesterday commenced with bagels. i heart bagels.

hung out with james meg and dan after school today. james parked illegally to prove his friendship to dan who had accused him of being a cheap jackass. :) we went to geoff's on thayer. (my personal thayer rat, dan, hates everyone who works there. surprise, surprise.) i found the food and the service to be fine. any sandwich shop that has names like the frigid bitch, sloppy ho's, and doug white is good by my standards. afterwards we just chillaxed an walked around. dan james and i wore our uniforms because we chose not to conform to nonconformity (cough meg cough) we headed back to school because i had practice. a most enjoyable afternoon!

now here i sit, 10:07 on a friday night. due to the illness that has been circulating recently, my ears are blocked, my throat is con fuego, and i can't stop sneezing. additionally, i have had a massive headache all day (aside from the trip to thayer) and it's still making me dizzy (dispite katharines euro-tylenol). i was excused from practice due to SAT's in the am at RIC. (::dies::) i came home around 7, downed 2 tbsps of benadryl, and put in fight club. the last thing i remember before falling asleep was the scene on the plane with the briefcases. good thing i know how it ends.

bedtime. wish me luck tomorrow. i plan on vitamin c -ing it up. as well as drinking a ridiculous amount of caffeinated beverages. hopefully i'll get through it.

first things first:
who's going to see dave on 6 and 7 july?
yep. me.
thinking about it significantly lifts my mood! what an excellent thing to have to look forward to :)

it will be interesting to find out how i scored on the SAT today. when i get them on april 9th, we can make a nice little data table comparing my scores from today and last november. we can title one of the columns "normal jess" and the other "highly caffeinated, ibuprofen-ated, high strung, stressed out, and runny nose jess."

nah, i'm exaggerating. after last night's entry i went straight to bed and woke up for 645a this morning. it really is quite ridiculous that they have these things start at 830 on a saturday morning (meaning that we are expected to be there before or at 745). i actually woke up feeling much better than when i had gone to bed. one english muffin with grape jelly and a glass of oj later i was ready. played dave obnoxiously loud on the way to RIC to wake myself up. warehouse. most excellent.

these things are never held in the places they say they are going to be. it was supposed to be at clarke science building. of course, it was not really. little signs everywhere that demanded i go two whole buildings down and take a right. they're just lucky it stopped raining. oh, the wonderful world of academia. pat and i were in the same room. we took the opportunity to talk about random drug testing and my 'stoner' lunch table. lol! i love it.

calm confident and focused

home, sleep, food, and now more sleep. i hope i don't make a habit out of this each weekend. i should probably be more productive with my time or something. maybe study for monday's chem test, do my religion project, read the new history chapter, hit up that analysis homework, write that english essay, or get started on national honors society stuff.

but nah. ill just catch you later gangsters.

i really should get started on that damn english essay. instead i'm reading... *gasp*... and it's not even required! *sharp intake of breath* nah but really i came across this quote and i think its appropriate because i know some people who can probably relate to it

The fear, too, is a fear of yourself: a completely dualistic and contradictory fear. On the one hand it is a fear that you do not have what it takes to make it, and on the other hand, a possibly greater fear that you DO have what it takes, and that by definition you therefore also have a responsibility to do something REALLY BIG. It's a little daunting, going out into the world with this state of mind. Most people go out with a general idea that they'll do something or other and that it will be okay. You go out with the certainty that you will be a failure from the outset, or that you will have to do something utterly stellar, which implies the potential for failure anyway. When I was growing up, I always felt there was an expectation that I would do one of two things: be Great at something, or go crazy and become a total failure. There is no middle ground.
mh

feeling a little better today. slept a lot.

watched this. i highly recommend it.

i love jim morrison. i wrote on his grave in pere-lachaise cemetery (in the east of Paris). it's okay because i brought him flowers. chopin's grave was not quite as exciting.

chem has raped my soul once again. this one test a week thing is slowly gnawing away on my insides. i can feel it. nice and healthy.

Which 1990's Subculture Do You Belong To?

[Another Quiz by Kris
@ couplandesque.net]

hahaha yes! ok, so i may have cheated, but only a little (i dont really wear flannel shirts um... ever...) tomorrow jawo, meg, dan and i are going to savers so i can find a totally hot, wicked old (and secondhand) cardigan to complete my grunge image. in my opinion, no one should be without a raggy, seedy, terribly hideous and threadbare cardigan.

lacoste cardigans do NOT count.

i feel stupid
and contagious
here we are now
entertain us

((none but ourselves can free our minds --> bob marley))

the reasonable adapt themselves to the world;
the unreasonable struggle to alter it.
therefore, all progress depends on the creatively maladjusted.
the one who listens to reason is lost-
reason enslaves all minds not strong enough to resist

out of body experiences. chill or not chill?

answer: not chill.

i know i'm a hypocrite to boot as i write this but let me just quote my favorite communist for the millionth time:

be who you are
and say what you want
because those that mind don't matter
and those that matter don't mind.
-theodore geisel seuss-

you cannot allow yourself to act only based on the reactions of individuals around you. you cannot judge yourself based on the opinions of others. you cannot determine the value of yourself based on how much someone else values you. you cannot compare yourself to those around you. you cannot hold yourself to unrealistic standards... standards that you would never hold anyone else to because they are so ridiculously insurmountable. you cannot be perfectionistic.

if you do not follow these few instructions i guarantee you that the weight of the world will weigh heavily upon your shoulder until you can no longer support it. it will fall. crash. but guess what... the world will be just fine. you know why? because in actuality (that is to say, outside of your dreamland), you are not holding it up. it's really spinning on its own axis... with one complete rotation approximately every 24 hours... and takes 365 sets of 24 hours to complete an orbit around the sun.

dont think it does all that simply because you hold it up.

the ball is in your court. and it's just a ball. and you can let it drop every once in awhile without having to run a diving suicide to compensate for your fault(s).

you see, in life i know there's lots of grief,
but your love is my relief

end. sweet dreams.

driving in the rain = mucho suckiness

we won our game tonight. 3-0. i was home before 8! it was most excelente. enjoyed fluff on toasted cinnamon bread. hooray for comfort foods. two claps.

this day started out less than jolly but finished strong. despite not having a free, the day passed rather quickly. i was going to stay after until 4 (the designated time for game setup) but at 130 i decided not to. didnt really feel like going home, just didn't feel like sticking around school any longer. wound up in garden city. busted out my blue polkadot umbrella and simply strolled aimlessly, enjoying the taste of the rain that hinted at april. finished reading wonder when you'll miss me, an excellent book about fat kid syndrome. yes, i'm cheap. but i just cannot afford to buy books. ordered a grande bali hai chai (with coconut and cinnamon... mmmmm...) and nestled into one of those extremely plush chairs at borders. it was so nice to just press pause for 40 minutes or so. came home, jammed on la guitarra for the first time this week (que triste!!!!!) and damn it felt good. so trite, i know. but seriously an excellent outlet.

by now it was about 345 and i remembered the game. braved the godawful new england weather (torrential downpours this afternoon and evening!) to drive back to school. arrived miraculously on time. they let me play crush during the warm ups. granted, it does not pump everyone else up as much as eye of the tiger, but it was exactly what i needed this afternoon.

oh, i'm sorry, but a brief interruption: words cannot express just how much i ephing hate the phrase "that's so punk rock!" come now, really. a noun canNOT be a genre of music. all i have to say if your mom's so punk rock. take that.

other than this theres not really much i can talk about. i have 5 essays to write this weekend, all due on my birthday! ("but it's my birrrrthdayyyyy!!" - scorp, 2003) game friday, tournament saturday, fiesta saturday night. sunday will be designated essay day, i suppose. oh, yeah, national honors society stuff due friday... awesome. we lose an hour this weekend. i am accepting this loss knowing that in the fall (when we gain it back) i will most likely be most appreciative because i'll be working on college apps then. hahaha.

add pepperdine to the list. i got a letter/brochure thing from them yesterday. i already visited the campus 3 trips ago but they're all blurring together now. all i know is it's in malibu, on the bluffs, and is beautiful. i need to get in.

i'm including lyrics to julia by our lady peace in an extended entry. it's not on any of their albums (don't confuse it with 'my julia'). it is- without a doubt- my favorite olp song under the sun. (a close second is clumsy.) the lyrics do not do justice to the extent of the song's excellence. raine maida's voice is positively... haunting. it's a little depressing, don't read into the lyrics too much. i'm just posting it because it popped into my head today (more specifically, the phrase "she's begging the past to stay behind") and if any of you have a copy of it and are feeling particularly generous please comment/email/im/whatever and let me know. the first time i heard it i was just like... in awe. dl it. ahora.

i cannot wait to just wake up and have march be over tomorrow.