smileyjess

today was deemed a mental health day, jon wall style. (they'll kick him out if he takes one more day off! haha! this is amusing to me. hi jon when you read this, you know i love you!)

but yes, mental health days are the best. i practiced simple addition in order to figure out what i need to do for monday, then proceeded to pretend to actually start it all:
1 chem lab (7 pages with calculations)
3 history papers (a total of about 9-10 pages)
1 religion term paper (at least 5 pages)
1 english essay (5-7 pages)

i don't want to figure out how many pages those all equal. whatever, the cumpleanos will be that much sweeter if i amazingly complete all that.

average everyday sane psycho supergoddess (i heart liz phair!)

i turned on the tv (actual tv tv... watching the doors does not count) for the first time in forever and discovered that we now get vh1 mega hits and mtv hits channels. as if i need to be addicted to music anymore, now there is actually a channel that plays music videos instead of shitty reality shows starring jessica simpson and nick lachey! (i love dave navarro, so i wont complain about him.)

it's still raining. oh well, better than snow, so i'll try not to complain about it too much. i'm in a good mood today.

"your nail polish is red/
your tights are blue/
this rose is hot pink/
and it is for you."

i'm a big supporter of the theory that states 'when not thought of, worries will disappear.'

so can i confess that i am in love with lenny kravitz? i am in love with lenny kravitz. random, i know, but when am i not? as i mentioned earlier... i spent a lot of time watching old music videos today... again was among them. he seriously is hella hot in that nose ring/tattoo/goatee/sideburns/guitar/sexy jeans/musician way. we have the same guitar (along with ~2 million other people... probably even more, i actually have no idea) but yeah. apparently he's also very smart. go lenny.

Again by Lenny Kravitz

I've been searching for you
I heard a cry within my soul
I've never had a yearning quite like this before
Know that you are walking right through my door

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

A sacred gift of heaven
For better worse, wherever
And I would never let somebody break you down
nor take your crown, never

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

I walked through time I've always known
That you where there, upon your throne
A lonely queen without her king
I longed for you, my love forever

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

All of my life
Where have you been
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
And if that day comes
I know we could win
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

I wonder if I'll ever see you again
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

I wonder if I'll ever see you again
I wonder if I'll ever see you again
I wonder if I'll ever see you again

3-1.
um. yeah. losing sucks.
tournament in the am at coventry... hope i figure out how to get there.
totally stoked that i attended dan's dance party this evening.
so inexplicably exhausted. i really have no right to be this tired.
details to follow.
peace out girl scout.

i love bob dylan. oh, and jakob as well.

like a rolling stone
Once upon a time you dressed so fine
You threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you?
People'd call, say, "Beware doll, you're bound to fall"
You thought they were all kiddin' you
You used to laugh about
Everybody that was hangin' out
Now you don't talk so loud
Now you don't seem so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next meal.

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be without a home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

You've gone to the finest school all right, Miss Lonely
But you know you only used to get juiced in it
And nobody has ever taught you how to live on the street
And now you find out you're gonna have to get used to it
You said you'd never compromise
With the mystery tramp, but now you realize
He's not selling any alibis
As you stare into the vacuum of his eyes
And ask him do you want to make a deal?

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

You never turned around to see the frowns on the jugglers and the clowns
When they all come down and did tricks for you
You never understood that it ain't no good
You shouldn't let other people get your kicks for you
You used to ride on the chrome horse with your diplomat
Who carried on his shoulder a Siamese cat
Ain't it hard when you discover that
He really wasn't where it's at
After he took from you everything he could steal.

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Princess on the steeple and all the pretty people
They're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
Exchanging all kinds of precious gifts and things
But you'd better lift your diamond ring, you'd better pawn it babe
You used to be so amused
At Napoleon in rags and the language that he used
Go to him now, he calls you, you can't refuse
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're invisible now, you got no secrets to conceal.

How does it feel
How does it feel
To be on your own
With no direction home
Like a complete unknown
Like a rolling stone?

Fiesta divertida! Muchas gracias a rach, liz, rye, scorp, dan, kieran, danny, blake, steph, dylan, matt, katie, jon, tim, shan, and ryan! You guys all completely rock my socks. Love you gangsters.

A photo journey:

hello, love, Rachel and rye

awwww you gotta love them

dan looking mighty excellent in my floppy yellow beach hat that I’ve never actually worn out of the house…

deep thoughts by kieran

Dylan, chilling out, watching duke v. uconn

blake and steph make me so happy.

liz. No explanation necessary.

Rachel, lovely as always

no party is complete with jon! "unwrap me!"

ryan and shannon… so adorable.

liz, dan, and rye, keeping things gangster. (“are you nervous?”

jon chilling out with the pretzels and hummus. “jon, you’re wearing a suit!!!!”

scorp, liz, and i

um…

did i ever tell you how much i hate the movie jerry maguire?
i mean, come on: "you complete me." was that the best they could do? "you had me at hello. you had me at hello." maybe i'm just jealous because i want someone to have me at hello.

it's almost my birthday.

sundays suck. i have 2 more history essays to write, plus an english essay.

today was good. HOBY meeting at brown. im going to be an alumni leader on 10 june to 13 june. it was a planning meeting, went well. very uncomfortable chairs. thats all that really sticks out in my mind from the last half hour (it was a two+ hour meeting)

i was told today that i'll make an excellent pediatrician. that makes me feel good. i think i like kids now. too bad i owe my firstborn child to 4 or 5 different people (in exchange for help with homework)

so much stuff to do. why am i still typing here?

singing: ...i am 16 going on 17...

barrington kicked ass and took names. they swept in three and i was home before 8. not too happy. 3-2. possibly soon to be 3-3. we're playing east on wednesday. up until last friday, east looked like the only team presenting us with a challenge this season. and now... well... now we'll be tacking on an extra half hour of practice strictly reserved for running up and down 5 flights of stairs at school. i hate to say it, but we so deserve it. i mean, i hate losing. but i also hate seeing what losing is doing to other people on the team- namely kate. it's her senior year and up until this season she had only lost something obsene like 5 games, total (frosh- junior). im more mad at myself for letting her down than the coaches. it wicked sucks.

but whatever. today started off shakily- i hate oversleeping and that is exactly what happened (more like overblinking- fell asleep on top of the covers with all the lights in my room on while desperately attempting to complete that english essay) was going to treat myself to a grande vanilla chai with soy milk and a shot of raspberry flavoring (light foam, thanks) but didn't have enough time. ah, well, tomorrow. my day improved significantly as i checked my voicemail on the way into school and there was one from dan wishing me a happy bday. (he remembered!!!) other highlights include an incubus cd, an inflatable red guitar (hahaha!), a super friggen hot picture of MR. kelly slater (6 time men's world champ of surfing, thank you very much) WITH a guitar (as everyone knows-- if you put a guitar in front of virtually any guy he instantly becomes approximately one million times times hotter), cookies, lip gloss, and a really nice frame that i already put a picture of liz scorp and i in (the one where liz is playing the role of 'drunk girl' lol!) i put blake's dashboard surfer in my car this morning. hotness. i also heard from some old middle school pals today which was tres cool.

10 years since kurt died. in memory:
dumb
I'm not like them

But I can pretend

The sun is gone

But I have a light

The day is done

But I'm having fun

I think I'm dumb

or maybe just happy

Think I'm just happy

my heart is broke

But I have some glue

help me inhale

And mend it with you

[We'll float around]

And hang out on clouds

Then we'll come down

And I have a hangover...Have a hangover

Skin the sun

Fall asleep

Wish away

The soul is cheap

Lesson learnedd

Wish me luck

Soothe the burn

Wake me up

i'm not sure how to feel about this. another one of my idols (first gisele, and now... bob?!!?!)... in a victoria's secret ad?

mehh. im not liking that much.

more later if i live through practice tonight.

((((liz tash, 2004))))

mental math:
(60 stairs) (13 sets) (2 [once up, once down]) = 1560 stairs.

not really feeling the legs right now. but i prefer 15 minutes of stair running than multiple hard works (2 court sprints, crouched low in a ready position gallop). at least the stairs take up more practice time and you can more easily half ass them when the coach is on the first floor and you are on the fourth.

today was a good day. the barista this morning messed up my order so i got two [hot pink] tazo passion teas (free trade, baby!) for the price of one. hotness. literally. it's the little things that make me happy.

disappointing news: we had to cancel our trip to cozumel in july. i'm pretty heated. we were supposed to spend 8 lovely days in the yucatan peninsula this upcoming july. just booked it like:: last week. however, the madre has to go to ft. lauderdale (spelling?) for work during the same week now. thusly, the trip has been canceled. instead mi padre hermana y yo are flying down on the thursday to meet her and staying until the following monday. mmm mexico. :(

happy news: the california aunt and uncle shall be arriving this saturday! very stoked! this is just in time to convince my parents to let me fly out there (solo) in august to spend some quality time 'looking at colleges' and 'expanding my horizons.' that's mom and dad terms for 'beaching it daily' and 'riding the waves.'

now accepting all donations for a one way ticket to orange county. make all check payable to me.

a good day.
we lost. now we're 3-3.
took east to five games on their home court.
we'll beat em on our turf next time.
and it will be that much sweeter.
i can't wait.
heard this song on the radio today
and i remembered how much i loved it (it's one of those songs that you know when you hear it, but don't recognize the song title or artist.)

Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand
by The Primitive Radio Gods

Jan lays down and wrestles in her sleep
Moonlight spills on comic books
And superstars in magazines
An old friend calls and tells us where to meet
Her plane takes off from Baltimore
And touches down on Bourbon Street

We sit outside and argue all night long
About a god we've never seen
But never fails to side with me
Sunday comes and all the papers say
Ma Teresa's joined the mob
And happy with her full time job

Do do do do doo do

Am I alive or thoughts that drift away?
Does summer come for everyone?
Can humans do as prophets say?
And if I die before I learn to speak
Can money pay for all the days I lived awake
But half asleep?

Do do do do doo do x 2

A life is time, they teach us growing up
The seconds ticking killed us all
A million years before the fall
You ride the waves and don't ask where they go
You swim like lions through the crest
And bathe yourself on zebra flesh

I've been downhearted baby,
I've been downhearted baby,
Ever since the day we met

two claps for moms that let you sleep in!

it's always scary when you find yourself pulling into your driveway and don't even remember how you got there.

i think i'm tired. still. school got out at 12 today, and i didn't even go in until 10. i needed to go in by 10 in order to be able to go to practice tonight. some of us follow the rules (cough ashley cough). i could not bear the thought of dragging myself out of bed this morning and getting ready and racing to school. so i went back to sleep. in that extra hour and a half i had the weirdest dream ever. showered, went to the bank to get some cash, bought a bagel, and headed off to school. it's an school myth that they lock the gates to the student parking lot. i had no problem parking.

spent the whole 2 classes i had in a daze. we're watching dead man walking in religion. hooray sean penn. boo susan sarandon. free last period. then went to the providence place and thayer street with scorp and matt. mucho divertido. bought some stuff. looked at prom dresses. god. i need to start cracking on that. its in less than a month now... we went to that funky brazilian designer store--- Red--- and this chick was totally trying to sell me a $598 dress. it was positively gorgeous. but i cannot imagine ever spending that much money on something non car or non guitar related, i'm sorry. her selling points were: "it's a total original! no one else will have it!" and "we have layaway!" um, no thanks.

it was beautiful though. pure silk. 3 alternating layers of pale and hot pink. lightly beaded on one side... even the straps were hot.

gah! i should have probably tried it on. that way i know i'd hate it because it would have probably looked ridiculous. dress shopping always has a magical way of further reducing my self esteem.

took a 2 hour nap before practice. this was a terrible idea because i didnt allow myself to get mentally prepared and ending up playing horribly. shake it off. i didn't feel like going home afterwards (no one else was going to be home) so i went to garden city and perused. i must have been quite the sight- two layers of shorts and one pair of pants, a patriots t shirt, a cardigan, socks with birkenstocks. in retrospect i realize how lucky i am that i did not run into anyone i know. read the kurt cobain journals. (in honor of today marking the anniversary of the discovery of his body) wow. it's so weird to read someone else's private thoughts. i found myself completely wrapped up in his old notebooks. not even half of the stuff was very substantial- i bet that courtney phucking withheld a lot (and i suppose understandably so) but there was quite a bit that was enthralling. i was sort of dazed after sitting there for an hour or so. it was weird to just step inside his mind. watch his manic depression take over all aspects of his writing. see the transformation of the lyrics of songs such as smells like teen spirit and aneurism. i felt like i was intruding, like i shouldn't be reading his thoughts. then i realized that some people read my thoughts here. and how it's weird that i put some of my thoughts on this site. i mean, sure, i have an online journal. but i also keep real journals (since 7th grade). i hope that no one ever publishes my stuff when i'm dead. i dont think i have much to worry about though- theres not anything worth publishing anyway.

condoleza rice is pretty ill.

but anyways. happy vacation.

how wonderful it is to be bored on a saturday afternoon... i miss this feeling of boredom!!!

did absolutely nothing productive yesterday either. my aunt and uncle arrived around one. (good thing i was actually awake!) they were on the road from irvine, california for the past 8 days. it's so good to see them. looks like they brought the good weather with them too- yesterday it was a whole 67 degrees and i actually sat outside in the sun and slept. no practice. i heart vacation.

i adamantly refused to go to good friday mass. i think my parents are finally getting the picture because they didn't force me. opted to pass on the ben kweller show and instead hit up una fiesta a la casa de cooper. picked up liz and then we went to scorp's. dropped off my car at her house and the three of us left to get dylan and head over the coopers in friggen glocester! seriously like totally middle of no where. we got there just after 8. cooper has the perfect party house. (and awesome parents that just dont care! ) there were probably between 40-50 of us between his house and the studio. mostly ponagansett-town kids but they were all very chill. i met a kid who's going to pepperdine. (he was enough to suddenly bump pepperdine up a notch to my #3 choice; sorry notre dame!) jimi hendrix, the doors, bob marley, and various members of ojc provided the backround music. we left around 1115 to race liz home on time. had to drive with the windows down all the way back to scorp's. it was easier to just sleep over there because we had to wake up 8 this morning and go to ephs for a scrimmage.

yeah it was terrible. they're division 1, we're 2. next year we're moving up to division 1. there's no way we can handle it. noooo wayyyy. whatever. hopefully we'll just rise to meet the challenge... nahhhh... but yeah i don't think i really woke up until the 5th game. i played terribly. whatever, for once i'm not completely stressing over it.

came home, went for a run, started reading pride and prejudice. i'm still so tired.

curt won his fenway debut.
it's got to be a sign.

anyways, it's vacation, and i'm lazy. settle for some lyrics, fool.

Jane Says by Jane's Addiction

Jane says
I'm done with Sergio
He treats me like a ragdoll
She hides
The television
Says I don't owe him nothing,
But if he comes back again
Tell him to wait right here for me
Or just
Try again tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow

Jane says
Have you seen my wig around?
I feel naked without it
She knows
They all want her to go
But that's O.K. man
She dont like them anyway
Jane says
She's goin away to spain
When she gets my money saved
I'm gonna start tomorrow
I'm gonna kick tomorrow
Gonna kick tomorrow

She gets mad
Starts to cry
She takes a swing but
She cant hit
She don't mean no harm
She just don't know
What else to do about it

Jane goes
To the store at 8:00
She walk up on St. Andrews
She waits
And gets her dinner there
She pulls her dinner
From her pocket
Jane says
I've never been in love
I don't know what it is
Only knows if someone wants her
I want them if they want me
I only know they want me

Jane says
Jane says

went shopping today
bought the best of the doors and experience hendrix. i got one of these for my birthday. my parents bought it after my birthday.

the wailers are playing tonight at lupo's. however, i am not there.

we had a match against shea. three games in 40 minutes. rock on. 4-3. practice at 8 in the morning tomorrow. game wednesday. tournament all day thursday.

went over dylan's with scorp liz katie and matt tonight after the match. most enjoyable. hooray vacation.

come on baby light my fire

sorry but i am just updating for lack of anything better to do. morning practice prevented me from reaching my target awakening of noon. instead i braved the 730a traffic and barely made it on time. afterwards jennan and the scorpinator hit up cal's on the corner- your typical gross, skeezy, oozing to the brim with food that will clog your arteries and give you a heart attack before 40 diner. it was excellent. while dining, we were informed that george- the team's 12 cent goldfish mascot- died. rest in peace george. we are planning a burial ceremony outside the grotto tomorrow before the game. poor george. we hardly knew him. emmy was going to put him down the garbage disposal!!! isnt that terrible? jennan said it was inhumane. at which point i reminded her that he was a fish. inhufish, if you will. we stole hot pink and green easter eggs for shits and giggles. my meal cost me a whole $2.40 (thats with diet coke!) we are so going back.

i went to the mall today. came home. got in some quality guitar playing time.
it has yet to hit me that schools starts up again on monday. i have so much friggen homework. but i dont even care. i hate this rain. it's making me incredibly lethargic. i definitely took a two hour nap today. that's ridiculous. i didn't even do anything that tiring. my cali relatives are leaving tomorrow. there was talk of us making a trip out there in july. keep your fingers crossed.

this entry was beyond pointlessness. not gunna lie- i just don't feel like gathering the energy required to write something worthwhile. i promise though- once school commences once again (only 35 more school days until summer!!!) my brain will actually function. until then... you're stuck with whoever i am right now.

i'm not sure i like this person, though...

this entry is dedicated to george helen

once again volleyball got me up before noon today. woke at 1030, was at school by 11 (oh with the reckless driving). a track chick puked on the main vball court. lovely. our team mascot- george helen (not george hannah or george ellen--- george helen!!!) died. fret not- he was a 12 cent goldfish. in the five days that he was with us, we broke out of our slump and were able to beat shea in 40 minutes. for this the team is forever grateful. yesterday, while breakfasting with jennan and scorp, we were informed via cell by emmy that george passed away in the night. i guess he just couldnt take his tupperware container home in a brown bag (labeled "george") any longer. natural causes (or emmy forgot to feed him, either one!) we originally decided to bury him by the grotto, but deemed that too far of a walk, so we settled for a tree outside of the fieldhouse. emmy placed him in a box and with him we buried a note with his DOB and DOD. on top of his grave we placed some flowers. there was a brief moment of silence as we all joined hands. (i think most of us were just praying that quigs wouldnt drive around the corner of the fieldhouse and catch us digging up the precious fieldhouse earth!!) george helen may be gone, but he/she will never be forgotten.

afterwards we proceeded to lose dismally to south kingstown (division one) whatever, it was a nonleague game. i'm over it. my mind was just not there at all today... tournament tomorrow at johnson and wales. i have to be there by 815! 815! the horror!!!!!! i dont even know how to get there!!! ::dies::

i didnt even leave school until 330-esque. called up rye and we picked up sandwiches at panera. were very annoying to everyone around us, but it was good fun. laughed at the idea of me beating up people. then i told ryan i'd beat him up. ultimately decided not to because i know i'll face an ass whooping one day and i'll need rye to back me up. i scolded him for assisting in the destruction of some chick's basement during a party sometime this past week. (he doesnt even know her name! that's so terrible! scold, scold) hahaha i love ryan for life. it was so chill to just be able to pig out after a game in front of my best friend and laugh at myself. like just completely laugh hysterically. it felt good, and it was just what i needed to snap out of whatever the hell i was in. afterwards we made the obligatory trip to nana and tata's (my mom's parents) so he could get his easter basket (yeah, my grandparents just rock that much) hooray for green jellybeans. came home went out again yadda yadda yadda

a most enjoyable evening was spent in the company of a one jon merten. he had survived a grueling day of checking out our competition to get into harvard. we met at borders (because we are just that cool, mofo), comparing stuff we've read, authors we like/dislike... you know... in typical nerd fashion for about an hour or so. he purchased one flew over the cuckoo's nest (which i have not read) and cat's cradle (which i have) [also it has a pink cover. laugh it up, he dares you] i am poor and have no time to do anything ever, so i only got crime and punishment per his suggestion. afterwards we scoped out the comfy chairs at starbucks and chatted it up. those chairs are really very comfortable. they closed before 10 (wtf, mate) so then we just walked around for awhile. ("i'm jon and i only got a 710 on the math section of my SATs. god i suck!" hahaha :) pleeeeeease!) it had finally stopped raining! here's hoping tomorrow's sunny. (i'll be doing my english homework in between games--- thanks, obi)

on the way home tonight i heard landslide (acoustic version = yummy) by fleetwood mac. me la gusta mucho.

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
'Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you get bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down.

i liked this.

highlights of my day:

-first sunny day in forever
-fooling my tastebuds into enjoying a low carb bagel
-being told i'm lame
-my inability to focus long enough to write an essay that was due before vacation
-my ability to do useless analysis stuff for a whole hour
-theraputic shopping in garden city
-phone call from rye telling me to watch for him and max on the news (due to a near death drowning on their early morning kayaking expedition)
-driving to naragansett with rye
-going to his beachhouse
-entering through a wide open door at the (now vacant) suicidal lesbian's beachhouse
-walking along the water
-picnic dinner on the sand
-my $2 mexican blanket
-diet pepsi
-waves crashing on the shore
-cuban music at the coast guard house bridge
-random guy with an accordian
-being cold but not caring at all
-chocolate truffle coffee with free refills
-dream dictionaries
-the stinky cheese man and other fairly stupid tales
-chicka chicka boom boom
-bob dylan
-bob marley
-the sunset
-mi amigo mejor

it's not every day that your best friend makes page three!!!

from projo.com

BOYS RESCUED AFTER KAYAK CAPSIZES

The two boys call for help on a cell phone after the current of the rain-swollen Pawtuxet River proves too much to handle.

sunday. last day of vacation. it's hella sunny out right now. i am totally going to take advantage of that. i don't even know if i've really done all the homework i should have, but i really don't care.... ok, kind of really don't care.... whatever, i'll just get it done later!

yesterday was the dreaded junior prom dress shopping expedition. the madre and i trekked to fall river to this place. sooooo many dresses! scorp was right, i was very overwhelmed. they have them all ordered by color. i tried on so many dresses. even the poofy ones! (don't worry- i would never get one of those-- err--- i mean, if you have one, that's cool. totally not me, though.) there was this really funky one that can only be described as... tooth fairy- esque. i totally would have played it up- magic wand and bogus makeup- but it was like $400, and if i was ever going to spend that much money on a dress it had better be from Red. and it certainly would not be tooth fairy esque.

believe me- there is nothing more damaging to your self confidence than prom dress shopping. all those mirrors... all those flaws... bah. but yes, i was able find one. it's hot pink, oh snap! i had to special order it... they said it could be anywhere from 2-6 weeks. so ill know by tuesday whether or not it will be in on time for the prom on 7 may. it better be because i cannot go dress shopping again. can.not.go. oh, the various forms of self torture... it was, however, a nice afternoon with the madre. afterwards we went to cohoes (where i was totally hoping to run into obadiah!) so she could get some shoes to walk around LA in when she leaves in 10 days. grrrrr i need to get out of here too! oh well- she didn't get to go when i went in december/january... so i guess it's fair... it's okay... my new lucky jeans (on CAH-RAZY sale!) are making me feel better. two claps.

then last night jon and i picked up sandwiches and braved the windy weather for a picnic. good times, good times. neither or us like walking aimlessly around the mall and there arent any good films out (except kill bill 2!!! go see it!!! now!!!) so afterwards we just went to his casa where he unsuccessfully tried to teach me how to properly play pool. in typical nerd fashion (around here, nerd is a complement!) we recounted his visits to yale and bc. he had quite an impressive CD collection. it was a most enjoyable evening.

with no volleyball for the past two days, i've actually had (*gasp*) free time! i picked up the ol' alvarez acoustic and played this tune. quality. renaissance games are next week and i need more practice on the secret agent man solo because i suck and can't remember it.

Don't dream its over
Crowded House

Dadd2 Bm G
There is freedom within, there is freedom without
F
Try to catch the deluge in a paper cup
D Bm G
There's a battle ahead, many battles are lost

But you'll never see the end of the road
F
while you're travelling with me

G A
Hey now, hey now
D Bm
Don't dream it's over
G A
Hey now, hey now
D Bm
When the world comes in
G A
They come, they come
D Bm
To build a wall between us
G A
We know they won't win

Now I'm towing my car, there's a hole in the roof
My possessions are causing me suspicion but there's no proof
In the paper today tales of war and of waste
But you turn right over to the T.V. page

Hey now, hey now - don't dream it's over..

Now I'm walking again to the beat of a drum
And I'm counting the steps to the door of your heart
Only the shadows ahead barely clearing the roof
Get to know the feeling of liberation and relief

Hey now, hey now, don't dream it's over...

you know i thought today was going to be a good day
-going back to school was not so bad
-i had a really nice talk with someone who does not have to ever talk to me
-we won our game
-my coach told me that i need prozac (hahaha i'm not so sure this was good, but it made me chuckle in that funny cuz it's true way)
-red sox won

BUT NOW!
i feel like crawling into a corner and simply crying my eyes out because my STUPID dress will NOT be in on time for the prom on 7 may. WHAT THE FUCK. now i have to brave countless more shops, look in a seemingly infinite number of mirrors, and try on a million friggen dresses until i find one. i hate dress shopping for life. not to mention i have no fucking time to do this. NONE AT ALL. let's check the schedule:
tonight: game
tomorrow night: practice, study for chem test
wednesday night: game, study for analysis test
thursday and friday i have practice also, but i am willing to look before or after. i must. all the decent ones will be gone and i'll be stuck in something that makes me look the size of a small hippo. i just know it because that's my luck. saturday i have practice from 9-12, then possibly the rebuilding together project, then the college fair. sunday i have the 12 hour renaissance games which i am still not well enough prepared for.

i need a hot pink dress.
i need a shower.
i need this week to be the fuck over.

aaaaaaand this rant has officially ended.

30 seconds earlier or later and i could have saved myself from an immense amount of embarassment. i loathe myself.

on other fronts, can i get two claps for a random store in worcester that has my dress?

did i mention we won the other night? we are now 5 and 3. respectable, i suppose. last night we practiced without any lights on in the fieldhouse. allan had a flashlight that he'd shine on the line to make sure we were exactly where we are supposed to be on numerous plays.

today sucked, and tomorrow will probably be the same. ap chem test today. eh. i need to bring up my average because i recently received the lowest grade of my lasallian career on our last lab. way to go me. analysis test tomorrow, and i got... nothing. i guess i can study on the way to worcester.

rachel, mike, and i have a meeting with the johnson and wales chef who is helping us out with our Type I next tuesday afternoon. fellow lasallians, your attendance is mandatory!!!! (please?) it is from 2:30-4:30 in the brothers' house. for 5 bucks you'll get 9 different types of foods as prepared by 4 JWU chefs. it will be totally worth it, gangsters. i promise. when i find the menu (it's around here somewhere...) i'll post it. shameless self promotion, but this thing cant suck because the moderator is mad at me for not planning it better. geez, i've only had since the beginning of the school year! cut me some slack! ok, ok, i'm lazy. get over it! but the pegasus program means nothing to me. it goes on my transcript just under 'ram raking.' what a joke.

but anyways! so yes. it is nice out, and i've got a prom dress to fit into now. see jess run.

happy earth day

swept the fieldhouse floor with cranston west tonight. we are 6 and 3. practice ended terribly last night- we all had to stay an extra half hour to be told how much of a team we aren't. she then proceeded to inform us that she would not be at the game tonight because she was sick of giving 110% and not getting the same amount back from us. may i say that we never played better? it was so awesome. hey, 1, 2.

no classes para mi manana. retreat leader-ing again. not bad, not bad. gets me out of an obi essay, so i am alegre.

woke up today and my mom presented me with a small box. inside was a charm for my bracelet. guess what was on it? a margarita glass. oh, the irony!!!!! it's times like that she's actually almost cool.

pegasus stuff is really coming together nicely.

my song for renaissance is... well... not. right. need to work on that.

blah.

so yes. we all know i have trust issues. when you've been treated as badly as i have in the past through some wicked shitty situations (nothing really that huge at all, just some stuff that would upset anyone), you'd have trust issues too. and if you were as much of a perfectionist as i am, you'd want to control everything yourself and not have to trust anyone else to help you because you've got everything taken care of, thank you very much.

today i fully learned the extent of those trust issues.

so we had an early saturday morning practice. but instead of our usual practices, where we run and run and run and do sit ups and push ups and hit and run and dive and run, etc- this one was centered around team building activities to unify us and make us work better as a whole together. we did this back in my freshman year as well. of course i was totally looking forward to it because there was no volleyball involved at all, so i shouldnt suck too much.

however, through these activities i learned that i can't even trust myself. we had to do this drill where we sprinted blindfolded across the bball court and had to trust the other members of the team to tell us when to stop so that we wouldnt crash. i ran so fucking slow it was ridiculous. it's not that i didn't trust them- i just didnt trust my running skillzzzz. i was so afraid i'd trip over my own feet. it was ridiculous. then we had to fall from the top of the bleachers and trust our teammates to catch us. again, i didn't trust myself. i was afraid i would bend and then they'd never be able to catch me. we barely caught kate. i saw her head come 1 inch above the ground. she was the first one to fall. i knew then there was no effing way anyone could get me to do it. if they couldnt handle kate there was no way they would have been able to catch all 1** pounds of me. then the coach got mad at me and said that whenever i mess up its because i get it into my head that i'm not as good as everyone else or i just cant handle it. and it's true. i'm not, and i can't. i drove home and felt so terrible about the whole thing. he said i'd regret not going. let me tell you- i have NO REGRETS about not going. two chicks now have cut lips and thwacked noses because of that ridiculous activity. he even wanted me to go face first. yeah. right, pal. with these teeth? after 9 months of braces and whitening and brushing at least 4 times a day? ummm i dont think so, thanks.

to all the others that did it- good for them. i'm so proud of you guys- awesome job!!!. sorry i suck.

i had such a "mindache" (not a headache... and mindache) after practice that i just showered and took tylenol. i was in a daze the whole time i was at the college fair. there werent that many schools there that i was especially interested in. i picked up stuff from pepperdine, bu, northeastern, and tulane. is it just me, or does it seem that every guy from pepperdine hella attractive?? slept the whole way to saugus. got my dress. stayed up on the way back to listen to the red sox game. (11-6... pilney: "i smell a sweep!") successfully completed a bit of homework. extremely small portion. practice guitar finally. went out for a little bit. bought pink sunglasses for prom pictures. (ryan's buying a hot pink shirt to match. we are so totally winning the prom off!!!!!!) called up rye, brought him phish food because i felt he could use it. chatted for a while. he was working on a paper due monday and i have the renaissance games tomorrow, so i just came home after that. played guitar more. stressed out about impending ap exams and sat 2's. homeworked it up. *shrug* the only time i really felt well at all today was when rye was eating his ice cream and i was making soup out of mine. why is it that my mind still aches?

ah, whatever. i'm just tired. need to stop thinking. and 2 more tylenol. night gangsters.

heard this one after practice today.
Dreams by Fleetwood Mac
Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
It's only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat...drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost
Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
It's only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and...
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat...drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
And what you lost
And what you had...
And what you lost

rapid update because i have negative time this week

renaissance games (crappy link... sorry!) went superbly! we won! next sunday we will be facing the other 3 top teams down in north kingstown at URI. i did volleyball, mathletics, 1.5 mile run, chess, soccer, guitar, and the co-ed rope pull. volleyball- we dominated. mathletics- 2nd. run- dominated. chess- 3rd. soccer- 1st. guitar- 1st. rope pull- 1st. we were so pumped. next sunday we will go back and win again! (... i hope! ...) good thing it's not a 12 hour function the day before my AP English exam. oh wait! it is!!!!!!!! (::dies::)

tomorrow is my pegasus type 1 presentation. chefs from johnson wales are coming in and cooking with rachel, mike, and me. should be good! we've got all the stuff we need and we start preparing it all this afternoon. i get excused from tomorrow's game. kind of upset about having to miss it but whatever. i probably would have been benched anyways for not doing the trust fall. who cares. at least i have teeth, right? right.

so anyways. i just finished typing up my obi essay about an hour ago. what an all-nighter. i. need. caffeine.

SECRET AGENT MAN
Johnny Rivers
(P.F. Sloan / S. Barri)

There's a man who leads a life of danger
To everyone he meets he stays a stranger
With every move he makes another chance he takes
Odds are he won't live to see tomorrow

Secret agent man, secret agent man
They've given you a number and taken away your name

Beware of pretty faces that you find
A pretty face can hide an evil mind
Ah, be careful what you say
Or you'll give yourself away
Odds are you won't live to see tomorrow

Secret agent man, secret agent man
They've given you a number and taken away your name

Swingin' on the Riviera one day
And then layin' in the Bombay alley next day
Oh no, you let the wrong word slip
While kissing persuasive lips
The odds are you won't live to see tomorrow

Secret agent man, secret agent man
They've given you a number and taken away your name

Secret agent man

no sox game tonight. what to do with the extra time?

retreat tomorrow. don't feel like doing homework.

shamelessly stole this from madeleine. she's the best.

Y o u r C u r r e n t: :
Mood: content
Music: don't panic by coldplay
Hair: side ponytail. bringing it back, baby!!!
Thing you ought to be doing: another obi essay of course! or working on the menu for my pegasus presentation tomorrow... either one. or studying the ap eng/ap ushist/ ap chem exams. or sleeping. yeah. d.
Favorite song(s): crush by dave matthews band
CD in Stereo: jagged little pil by alanis. busted it out this morning to get me going. only 5 more mondays of school!
DVD In Player: lost in translation
Worry: pegasus project, obi homework. ap exams
Crush: luke from the o.c. why did they kill off his character?!?! mother truckers.

L o v e/Like::
boyfriend/girlfriend: not so much
crush: your mom
shortest relationship: haha chris c. when i was in 7th and he was in 8th. good times, good times.
been in love w/ more than 1 person?: nah
sweetest thing a guy/girl has done for you?: umm yeah i got nothing
meanest thing a guy/girl has done for/to you?: dan when he neglected to call me on my birthday!!!!! lolololol i love him
ever broke someone's heart?: I hope not.
someone break your heart?: pshhh!

L a s t P e r s o n::
You Talked To: jon
You Hugged: emmy or scorp
You Kissed: to quote madeleine, i'm gunna go with "....."
Instant messaged: pilney ("got a broom?")
You Yelled At: probably mi hermana.
Who Broke Your Heart: chris c. lolololol

F a v o r i t e ::
Food(s): fluff
Drink: Diet Coke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Color: red (or hot pink? hmmm)
Album: crash, so much for the afterglow, high 61 revisited
Shoes: birks
Style/ Clothes: long sleeve t shirts (tie dye? :)) and the insanely comfy black pants that i am always wearing.
Animal: giraffe
TV Show: friends (:::tears up::: only 2 more episodes!!!)
Dance: ball o' paper (bam bam!)
Veggie: carrots
Fruit: mango

Are You::
Understanding: I like to think so
Open-minded: totally
Arrogant: i hope not, but yeah
Insecure: so much
Hungry: insatiably!
Friendly: i try
Smart: i study
Moody: def
Childish: yeah
Independent: i like to think so
Hard working: sure
Organized: for the most part
Healthy: i'm gunna go with not so much
Emotionally Stable: GOOD ONE!!!!!!!!
Shy: uhhh am I?
Difficult: i'd say so
Bored Easily: not really
Messy: relatively
Thirsty: yes
Responsible: yeah
Obsessed: yeah
Angry: only in spurts
Sad: no time to be
Trusting: yes
Talkative: totally
Different: from...?
Unique: "I like to think so... we're all special. like snowflakes."
Ignored: nahhhhh
Reliable: def
Content: sure
Optimistic: mmmm so so
thinker: overanalyzer, def
Self-disciplined: no
Sleepy: always
Lonely: hahahahha

Who Do You Want To:
Get Really Drunk With: Jon Wall
Tickle: your mom
Talk to: gillydan MY man!

V i t a l * S t a t s //
name and what does your name mean: jessica... grace
nicknames: jess? creative, no?
location: c-town!
sign: aries
hair color: blondish
eye color: green
status: "single like a motherfucker"
education: school
height: 5'4'' on a good day
shoe size: 8
weight: rrrrrrrrrright!
nationality: American
skin color: White

F a v o r i t e s::
[music] dmb
[artist] dmb and too many others to name
[movies] romeo and juliet. beauty and the beast.
[color] red

H a v e Y o u E v e r ::
lied: yes
ran away: nope
done drugs: nope
drank alcohol: humming
broke a bone: yes
failed a class: ::dies::
been in a fist fight: i'm a lover not a fighter
dyed your hair: no
been out of the country: yes (mexico and france)
met a famous person: yes
driven illegally: yes
thrown a temper tantrum: not too recently
been suspended: no
been expelled: no
given the finger: yes
rebelled against authority: haha I guess
been in jail: no
kissed on the first date: uhhh I don't think so...

my link button is being a pain...

http://boston.redsox.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/bos/news/bos_news.jsp?ymd=20040427&content_id=730010&vkey=news_bos&fext=.jsp

chris: are you going to go?
jess: it may just be the only movie i'll ever cry during
chris: yeah, just as bad as seeing the passion of christ
jess: except worse because this is real
chris: as lightning strikes you dead

i'm on cruise control. i can't focus on anything. i am never in any classes anymore for one reason or another and i am falling behind. this week, i will have 1 spanish class and 1.5 analysis classes. out of a possible 5. i know most of you would love this, but i hate it. i need to finish this year strong. 4th quarter tends to be important. as much as i simply can't care anymore, i have to. it's not a matter of laziness. i just am completely unable to pour any effort into anything (not red sox related). seriously. it's quite pathetic, i understand. but i just have no effort to spare, and what little i have i want to use to make me some level of happy, i guess.

i need summer. like, now. i wake up in the morning and i can still taste march. it is almost may now. why doesn't it feel like it? and why does the end of school seem farther away now than ever?

pegasus went very well; raised about $200. thanks to all- porfit goes towards a school in zimbabwe and american cancer society.

we won last night. 7-3 (?) yeah. big game tomorrow. don't want to think about it.

woke up early this morning to take the madre to the airport. she's spending some time in california this week. i'm so jealous. when my dad and i went in december she wasn't able to get the time off from work. well... now she has mucho mas tiempo para una vacacion (yeah, i suck at espanol now, also. thought you should know) so my cousin is head coordinator for a disney shmoozefest (to raise money for parkinson's disease) and she's flying out there to help him with that on saturday night (meeting las estrellas, hmmm what a tough job...) and she'll just be chillaxing in the irvine/ LA area. im nto sure if shes coming home monday or tuesday. definitely by next wednesday though bc i have that national honor society shindig...

we're supposed to go to florida in july. i'm going to see if i can reroute my ticket to cali, and make it one way. i need to just get away from here. the 'rents are hassling me to get a job, though we think we've got one lined up for me. don't want to say anything just yet, might curse it. but, it involves traveling, i will say that much. if it doesn't come through, it looks like i'll be working at starbucks (?) i feel like such a hypocrite. blah.

i wanted to go for a run today. to work off all the food i ate at my pegasus thing yesterday. somehow going for a run turned into 'sleeping in the sun.' estoy muy perezosa.

i was a terrible driver today.

ive been listening to the same 4-6 cd's for about 3 months now. anybody want to suggest anything new for me? i just scanned my collection, and i think i'm going to pop in californication for a bit.

scar tissue = excellent. repeat x 3.

Scar tissue that I wish you saw
Sarcastic Mister know it all
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you cause'
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view

Push me up against the wall
Young kentucky girl in a push - up bra
Fallin' all over myself
To lick your heart and taste your health 'cause
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view...

Blood loss in a bathroom stall
Sounthern girl with a scarlet drawl
Wave goodbye to ma and pa 'cause
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This loney view
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view...

Soft spoken with a broken jaw
Step outside but not to brawl
Autumn's sweet we call it fall
I'll make it to the moon if i have to crawl
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view...

Scar tissue the I wish you saw
Sarcastic Mister know it all
Close your eyes and I'll kiss you cause'
With the birds I'll share
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view
With the birds I'll share
This lonely view...

we beat scituate. at scituate. in 3. 8-3? i fell asleep on the way home.

my neck hurts like a mother.... as if it just cant bear to hold up my head any longer.... that's always good, right?

red sox won. i find it amusing that jeter got a sympathy standing ovation at yankee stadium last night when he went 0 for 32.

no classes for me tomorrow. therefore, no homework for me tonight, really. studied for ap hist exam (1 week). also in 1 week we play east. and my junior prom is next week. taking flyryeguy, of course! sitting with liz and jon, rach and drew, katie and matt, and shan and her ryan. it'll be awesome, i can't wait. hopefully ill be able to make time to find jewelry, shoes, and anything else i need for jp before next friday. nahhhh. ryan's (for hendricken) is on the 28th. muy divertido. and i'm going to senior prom with motta which i am so stoked about!! we had such an excellent time at his jp last year.

hitting up savers for some tie dye stuff with scorp tomorrow afternoon. medical seminar with my old bio teacher and 9 other kids all day. sure to be a blast.

i'm going to go watch some friends on dvd and eat fluff. good night loves!

stacie-lee amber and i listened to this on the way to scituate today. from her 'mexico 2' mix. i love brad

40 oz to freedom by sublime
You've got your hair permed
You've got your red dress on
Screamin' bout how second gear was such a turn on
And the fog forming on my window tells me that the morning here
And you'll be gone before too long

Who taught you those new tricks?
Damn I shouldn't start that talk,
but life is one big question when your starin at the clock
And the answers always waiting at the liquor store, 40 oz to Freedom,
so I'll take that walk.

And I know that ohhhh...I'm not comin back
Ohh not going back
God knows not going back

You look so fine when you lie it just don't show,
That I know which way the wind blows
40 oz to freedom is the only chance I have to feel good,
even though I feel bad

And I know that ohhhh...I'm not comin back
Ohh not going back
God knows I'm not going back
God knows I'm not going back

why can't i sleep?