smileyjess

finally, the weekend. but first, a quick recap of friday. there was a huge international dermatology conference at the westin over the past couple of days, and they though it would be cool to invite area high schoolers and subject them to a terrible day of god-awful boring lectures and goofily clad spectacle wearing dermatologists. these aforementioned area highschoolers- among them jon, evin, lauren, becca, dean, tom, patty, joe, and myself- considered themselves lucky to be able to miss a whole day of classes. little did they know the to which they would be bored [thisclose] to death. the emcee was terrible ('tell me, can women be doctors?'<-- yes, he seriously asked that!!) and had obviously never attended a kegger. he was your stereotypical overweight pot-bellied man with thick bifocals and weird teeth. clearly he had spent way too much time in the class room and not enough interacting with real life people.

the conference was interesting in that i was able to learn a lot more about what it will take for me to become a pediatrician. i'm not even halfway done with my schooling. ill be 30 before i can actually start working. (if i wanted to be a neurosurgeon like ev, i'd have to be 33.) you know what's kind of cool though? i really am willing to go through all that if it means i'll be able to help little kids. or perhaps become a specialized doctor without borders. that'd be pretty chill. brown has a special 8 year program where if you are majoring in pre-med as an undergrad you can apply as a high school senior to also attend the brown med school.... without having to take MCATs (insanely long [8 horas] med school entrance exams). i will definitely have to look into that.

the day became a contest to see who could gather more free stuff. viagra and cialis pens abound. jon found me a clipboard that says 'erectile dysfunction.' he got a stress ball prostate for himself. (there were a ton of pharmaceutical stands advertising their medications... for some reason we gravitated towards the inappropriate ones.) jon and i got stuck listening to some dude drone on an on for at least 20 minutes about herpes. did you know they can cure cancer with HIV? isnt that insane? answer: yes!!!!

after school scorp and i ventured to savers where i purchased not one but two tie dye shirts! for as total of 3 bucks! fricken awesome! afterwards we tried on dresses at cohoes (obi would have been proud) and shopped around for senior night (this thursday vs. east- attendance is mandatory!!) headed back to school for practice. it was a small one because of the frosh-soph semi. however, most chicks that skipped actually went to the yellowcard concert. good for them! motta met me at school and we headed over to thayer. chillaxed at ben and jerry's, then proceeded to aimlessly wonder around the side streets, eventually going to smoothie king to get a free smoothie from kieran. saw blake and steph for a bit! :) it was great to hang out with chris. so stoked about prom, even if it is the night before i take the writing, math, and chem SAT II's! we decided that prom is a lot like halloween.

i am going to be a published poet, and i owe it all to ryan.

this is it: the dreaded week.
ap exams.
took english today (4 hours!) no idea how i did
history exam is on friday
analysis test thursday
history test tomorrow
national honors society on wednesday
senior night (vs cranston east!) on thursday
last episode of friends on thursday
junior prom on friday

let's hope i make it through this week. can't say i'll be very chatty... if i make it, remind me to imbibe.

Konstantine by Something Corporate
slac reminded me of this song, i heard it awhile back.
i'm listening to it on repeat.
and feeling a little better

I can't imagine all the people that you know
And the places that you go
When the lights are turned down low
And I don't understand all the things you've seen
But I'm slipping in between
You and your big dreams
It's always you
In my big dreams

And you tell me that it's over
Wake up lying in a patch
Of four leaf clovers
And you're restless
And I'm naked
You gotta get out
You can't stand to see me shakin
No...
Would you let me go?
I didn't think so..

And you don't wanna be here in the future
So you say the present's just a pleasent
Interruption to the past
And you don't wanna look much closer
Cause you're afraid to find out all this hope
You had sent into the sky
By now had..crashed
And it did...Because of me..

And then you bring me home
Afraid to find out that you're alone
And I'm sleeping in your living room
We don't have much room to live

I had these dreams
In them I learned to play guitar
Maybe cross the country
Become a rock star
And there was hope in me that I could take you there
But damnit you're so young
Well I don't think I care

And if I hurt you then I'm sorry
Please don't think that this was easy

And then you bring me home
Cause we both know what it's like to be alone
And I'm dreaming in your living room
We don't have much room to live

And Konstantine is walking down the stairs
Doesn't she look good standing in her underwear
And I was thinkin... what I was thinkin
We've been drinking
And it doesn't get me anywhere

My Konstantine came walking down the stairs
And all that I could do was touch her long, blonde hair
And I've been thinking
It hurts me thinking
That these nights when we were drinking
No they never got us anywhere

No..

This is because I can spell konfusion with a k
And I can like it
It's to dying in another's arms
And why I had to try it
It's to Jimmy Eat World
And those nights in my car
When the first star you see may not be a star
I'm not your star
Isn't that what you said
What you thought this song meant

And if this is what it takes
Just to laugh with my mistakes
And live with what I did to you
All the hell I put you through
I always catch the clock
It's 11:11
And now you wanna talk
It's not hard to dream
You'll always be my Konstantine

My Konstantine

They'll never hurt you like I do
No..They'll never hurt you like I do

My Konstantine

You spin around me like a dream
We played out on this movie screen
And I said..

Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?
Did you know I miss you?

I miss you

And then you'd bring me home
And we go to sleep
But this time not alone..no no
And you'll kiss me in your living room
I know..I know you'll miss me in your living room
Cause these nights I think maybe that
I'll miss you in my living room

We don't have much room
I said does anybody need that room?
Because we all need a little more room
To live..

My Konstantine

[edit]

please note: taking two tylenol every three hours does not ease a mindache.

soaking up the sun and sipping on iced chai (with soy milk), however, does (do??? fuck it, ap english exam is over)

so we lost our senior night game. vs east. at home. it went to 5 games, and we lost 15-11. it stings. quite a few f-bombs were dropped courtesy of our coaches. and the perpetual headache that i've had for the past few days has worsened.

on top of that, i missed the last episode of friends tonight. dont worry- i taped it. hopefully i'll get the chance to watch it because i've really got to actually get studying for the ap u.s. history exam that i'm taking in, oh, 10 hours? whatever.

havent stopped running around all day. after school i went with rach emmy and ash to get stuff for senior night that scorp and i had ordered yesterday afternoon. drove back to school, set everything up, proceeded to get yelled at because i was apparently tying my shoes too slowly. i repeat: whatever.

when did i develop this terrible attitude? i sound like me last oct/nov. god i hate that jess. she better fucking go away.

on a much happier note, national honors society ceremony was last night. mom dad and shel all attended. i dont think we've had a family dinner like that since christmas, if that counts. sat in the most enjoyable company of los scorps and tashes. i received the yale book award which was a nice surprise. and my parents were also pleased that i made nat'l span honors society. apparently i had forgotten to tell them. but yeah so a nice night. hardly any nagging. and i took benadryl so that i wouldnt break out in hives from being around them for an extended period of time. that stuff's so good.

i'm sorry i've been nothing but a bitch to everyone lately. but the red sox are winning again, so i think we'll all see an upswing in my mood. i really am sorry though.

prom tomorrow night. yeah i'm not even ready for that. my mom bought me these cute shoes while she was in cali. rye bought his hot pink shirt to go with his tux. we're fully equipped with hot pink sunglasses as well. tomorrow, after the exam gets out at 1230 (it's 3+ hours), i've got to hit up the mall and maybe look into getting some accessories or something. or maybe i just dont care enough. it's prom and i'm going with my best friend. obviously it's going to be awesome. im not even caring that i have practice early saturday morning. i'll stumble in on time one way or another. it's not like i really play anymore anyways. eff that ess. i'm stoked.

i'm also getting a job for the summer, i think. keep your fingers crossed, okay? thanks. a happier jess will return to you shortly, i promise you that much.

one of the best feelings in the world?
looking at your ap u.s. history exam and realizing that the essay question is THE SAME EXACT QUESTION THAT APPEARED ON YOUR TEST TWO DAYS AGO.
rock on.

a jp full of merriment and good cheer. rye and i rocked the hot pink, and won the 'promoff' (liz and jon will claim the same, but i think we all know rye and i owned it! come on!-- hot pink flowers!!! jimmy choo's from rodeo drive!!!) yesterday after the exam i picked up some stuff at the mall then came home and slept for 2 hours. just seriously like passed out while trying to finish up pride and prejudice in the sun. it was 85-90 degrees out and positively beautiful. then it was off to dellaria (ask for malissa, she's the bestest). came home, got dressed, and rye was here 5 minutes later. already i've been asked for some preprom pics! my public is so demanding!! here you are loves:

afterwards we all chillaxed at blake's. he fired up the grill, and lit the firepit and tiki torches. made s'mores and just sat around the fire- me, rye, liz, jon, scorp, dan, kieran, chelsea, matt, katie, blake, steph, and dylan. original plans included me just sleeping over, but i ended up having practice scheduled for this morning (bc we lost on thursday) so it was best for me to just go home and maybe close my eyes for more than 2.5 hours. liz slept over, and it was so good to just be able to talk to her. it had been way way too long. it took us until 4 o clock or so to catch up on everything. woke up at 930, ate quickly, took out my hair (86 pins this time) and headed off to practice. we proceeded to run a lap around the fields (ok, not bad, completely manageable) and then we ran stairs for an hour. up and down. 1. up and down. 2. up and down. 3. i'm like borderline ocd and have a compulsive need to count shit like that, and even i lost track after 17. each set had at least 60 stairs. i dont even want to do that math. whatever. it's just gotten to the point where no one gives a fuck anymore. we decided that we're not working our butts off for coaches that hate us. from here on in, we're doing it for ourselves. i think it will prove to work out nicely. i hope it does. because we're out of other ideas.

heading to boston for the evening with mom dad and shel to celebrate the yale book award and 7th place in national spanish exam. do i start taking the benadryl now or later? hahaha :) i have the hugest bags under my eyes. i'm going to take a nap.

they're just jealous because we're young and in love

an exercise in writing creatively.

first there is the shock. what went wrong? why so sudden? then there is the anger. who needs him anyway? friends say he wasnt worthy anyways, you say you were dumb. because that is exactly how you feel. that is exactly how he made you feel. this is your fault because it is most certainly not his.

it wasn't even anything big at all, yet somehow, it was all consuming. suddenly, you had a reason to get up in the morning. smiles came more naturally. little things weren't blown out of proportion. suddenly you had perspective. and you've had someone on your side. even if the whole world turned violently against you, you still had him. someone who didnt even have to care about you... did. this was new. and exciting. here let me dive headfirst in without thinking twice.

the backlash. of course it has to end; everything must come to an end. and of course you get hurt- it's not like that's anything new. he's turned you into a masochist because your can't stop reliving that pain. its the only track on in your 6 disc player. repeat. end. repeat. end. &c, &c.

there was a time when all self worth was measured by him. this time did not end when the 'we' and 'us' did. you're able to push it out of your mind for minutes at a time at first, then maybe even hours... eventually, weeks and months go by and you are once again able to function properly on your own. perhaps there is that stray moment in which you even feel good about yourself for longer than 30 seconds.

sometimes a memory will hit you like a ton of bricks. the scent of his cologne wafts through the air, and you're able to detect it even through all the others at the counter when you're picking some out for your dad for fathers day. you avoid that counter like the plague. how different from a year ago when you loved to sniff the lingering scent on your shirt. you refuse to acknowledge these memories because it's like picking at a scab and worsening a scar. you've got enough of those already.

the aftermath. over time you've re-established your wall. and you've learned from your mistake. it needs more bricks. reinforce it with some concrete. make a better foundation. barbed wire? why not. somebody else comes along. they start to chisel away, you let your guard down temporarily, but then repair the damage. goodbye.

what you really crave is attention. when it is finally granted, you fuck that up too. it is not really attention. you just wish it was. but how could it ever be? no, it can't.

you set yourself up for disappointment, but you're prepared this time. you have that much to thank him for.

why am i so mad?
ap chem exam tomorrow.
i'm so not ready.
at the same time i'm supposed to be giving my lame ass speech for student council.
i need to get elected to put it on my transcript.
i went to talk to someone about it today and they essentially said 'oh that sucks for you, i'm not rescheduling.'
i was too sick to go to volleyball.
felt so shitty.
and my grades are dropping lower everyday.
i hate this. i barely know myself anymore.

i'm sorry. no one said you had to read this piece of crap journal.
do yourself a favor and leave now. it's okay. i don't mind. everyone else is.

dayquil and tylenol will get me through today. i promise ill feel better. thanks.

:)

diamonds on the soles of her shoes by paul simon

(a-wa) O kodwa u zo-nge li-sa namhlange
(a-wa a-wa) Si-bona kwenze ka kanjani
(a-wa a-wa) Amanto mbazane ayeza
She's a rich girl
She don't try to hide it
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

He's a poor boy
Empty as a pocket
Empty as a pocket with nothing to lose
Sing Ta na na
Ta na na na
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

People say she's crazy
She got diamonds on the soles of her shoes
Well that's one way to lose these
Walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of her shoes

She was physically forgotten
Then she slipped into my pocket
With my car keys
She said you've taken me for granted
Because I please you
Wearing these diamonds

And I could say Oo oo oo
As if everybody knows
What I'm talking about
As if everybody would know
Exactly what I was talking about
Talking about diamonds on the soles of her shoes

She makes the sign of a teaspoon
He makes the sign of a wave
The poor boy changes clothes
And puts on after-shave
To compensate for his ordinary shoes

And she said honey take me dancing
But they ended up by sleeping
In a doorway
By the bodegas and the lights on
Upper Broadway
Wearing diamonds on the soles of their shoes

And I could say Oo oo oo
As if everybody here would know
What I was talking about
I mean everybody here would know exactly
What I was talking about
Talking about diamonds

People say I'm crazy
I got diamonds on the soles of my shoes
Well that's one way to lose
These walking blues
Diamonds on the soles of our shoes

today was fine. the exam went as expected. i wrote the lyrics to best of what's around and drew a nice little cartoon of a surfer riding some waves with a palm tree and sunbather in the backround. what-thefuck-ever. i'm over it. i have a feeling i'll freak out when i see the score in the third week of july... but we'll wait until then... maybe i'll get the letter after an excellent day at the beach and wont even care. or maybe i wont even be on this coast :)

practice was not so bad. my first one since thursday, i was too ill to attend last night. PHI!!!!!! (yes, the math number) hooray for tie-dye.

everyone needs to eat boston cream pie flavored yogurt. es muy delicioso. (two claps for not having spanish since last thursday!)

ok, obi essay awaits. pride and prejudice and the significance of walking, libraries, natural imagery, and music. gunna be a good one, i can tell!! (oh, with thesarcasm!!)

it's time i got back
to the good life
it's time i got back
it's time i got back
and i don't even know how i got off track
i wanna go back

remember the one where ross and rachel list their top 5 'ok to leave for' celebrities?

not that i exactly have anyone to leave, but here's my list (ask scorp about our other list MWAHAHAHA!)

1. dave matthews
2. lenny kravitz
3. brad pitt
4. hugh grant
5. johnny damon

i encourage you to leave yours.

additionally, i believe i have discovered the ultimate remedy for mindaches!!!!
1. remove pinkerton from cd rack
2. open pinkerton
3. place cd (face side up) into player
4. skip to track 7 (el scorcho)
5. increase volume until your rear view mirror is shaking with the bass beats
6. repeat

sorry i've been kind of quiet, just been keeping busy. things should start dying down a little bit soon... school's out in just a couple of weeks; i am essentially done with ap us history and ap chem right now. took the first half (multiple choice) of the history exam yesterday. wasn't so bad. i hadn't been able to study much the night because i was writing my 20% obi essay (the significance of walking, libraries, natrual beauty or imagery, and music in austen's pride and prejudice) was writing that until about 3, 330. went into school late, only to find out that obi hadnt even collected the damn things because a lot of people a) hadnt done them or b) everyone else just didn't feel comfortable with their final draft. i don't have a problem with (a), and i totally understand (b), but i ended up just handing mine in anyways because there was no way i was revising it after i spent all that time on it. whatever. i suck at writing, so it's not as if it was going to improve a significant amount.

arrived late to the student council luncheon due to the exam. got to skip spanish again! i've seriously missed more clases de espanol this quarter than i've attended. i think this is incredibly awesome.

early practice yesterday afternoon. afterwards we had our team outing- dinner at the 99 and then minigolfing at mulligans. it was a pleasant time. we all got wicked bored golfing and skipped the last couple of holes. i couldnt tell if the coaches were even enjoying spending time with us. i don't see how it's supposed to be all unifying and whatnot if they dont even sit with us at our table--- not that i can blame them! :) afterwards we all slept over ashley's... something i had neglected to inform the 'rents about. well i had called at 4 and they said it was okay, but then were upset that i didnt tell them like:: this morning or yesterday. (which i know is totally understandable, but they've been mad at me the past couple of weeks so i didnt want to initiate an argument and lose. i'm not good at losing) whatever. i was so exhausted. friday nights i totally just crash around 12,1. it's like the only night i fall asleep before 2 or 3. woke up around 830 this morning and decided it was best to leave and 'face the consequences' that awaited at home. completely manage-able---> another 'we'll take away your dave matthews tickets' threat. plus i have to do a project for my little sister. my dad is waxing my car right now. i'm glad they're not really that upset with me. i think i should just not be a terrible daughter anymore.

i lasted a whole week on a half tank of gas (including the ride to naragansett and back!) that's pretty damn impressive.

jon thinks i'm like blair from gossip girl! my life is complete. it's so beautiful outside. like 85 degrees. i'm totally loving it. i went for a run earlier this morning/afternoon and it was totally refreshing. i can't wait until volleyball is over so that i can just start running on my own again (right now i've got negative time to) now i'm off to put some air in my bike's tires.

dan got me phish tickets for august. i am forever indebted to him. i am so incredibly stoked (hahaha that has the word toke in it)
"It's like your surfing: the wave is stronger than
you. If you relax and have no fear, and you're
with the flow of the wave, you can ride it. But
if you try to fight it, you'll wipe out. The same wave
that can be a source of pain, or a beautiful flowing
grace- its all a matter of how you respond to it.
- Trey Anastasio - Oct. 26 1995

hurry up summer.

Superman's Song by Crash Test Dummies (listen to them. now. i also suggest mmm mmm mmm mmm and the overachievers)

Tarzan wasn't a ladies' man
He'd just come along and scoop 'em up under his arm
Like that, quick as a cat in the jungle
But Clark Kent, now there was a real gent
He would not be caught sittin' around in no
Junglescape, dumb as an ape doing nothing

Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him

Hey Bob, Supe had a straight job
Even though he could have smashed through any bank
In the United States, he had the strength, but he would not
Folks said his family were all dead
Their planet crumbled but Superman, he forced himself
To carry on, forget Krypton, and keep going

Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him

Tarzan was king of the jungle and Lord over all the apes
But he could hardly string together four words: "I Tarzan, You Jane."

Sometimes when Supe was stopping crimes
I'll bet that he was tempted to just quit and turn his back
On man, join Tarzan in the forest
But he stayed in the city, and kept on changing clothes
In dirty old phonebooths till his work was through
And nothing to do but go on home

Superman never made any money
For saving the world from Solomon Grundy
And sometimes I despair the world will never see
Another man like him

totally unproductive weekend. the rents were upset with me so i had some serious sucking up to do in order to hold onto my dmb tickets... then i got sick yesterday afternoon... and felt bad because i totally canceled last minute on motta... and then today i took a 4 hour nap... and i still havent written my newest obi essay, which i heard was a bitch (wow, theres something new). whatever, he's not getting it tomorrow anyways. i'm not ready to face yet another week of suck: practice every night, quarterfinal game in westerly on thursday. 2nd part of history exam tuesday. that night im going to a college thing presented by upenn harvard duke and georgetown. next week will be better- the padre and i are going to boston on monday to visit bu and bc (tentatively emerson as well) and i've got the uri chem contest on tuesday, plus ryan's prom on friday. then we're going to new york city on memorial day weekend.

jimmy fallon is leaving snl. now i have absolutely no reason to watch it. p.s. i hate mary kate and ashley olsen. somebody make them eat something please.

something compelled me to pick up tuesday night music club today. i like this one. i recommend the acoustic version though.

"Leaving Las Vegas" by Sheryl Crow

Life springs eternal
On a gaudy neon street
Not that I care at all
I spent the best part of my losing streak
In an Army Jeep
For what I can't recall
Oh I'm banging on my TV set
And I check the odds
And I place my bet
I pour a drink
And I pull the blind
And I wonder what I'll find

[Chorus]
I'm Leaving Las Vegas
Lights so bright
Palm sweat, blackjack
On a Saturday night
Leaving Las Vegas
Leaving for good, for good
I'm leaving for good
I'm leaving for good

Used to be I could drive up to
Barstow for the night
Find some crossroad trucker
To demonstrate his might
But these days it seems
Nowhere is far enough away
So I'm leaving Las Vegas today

[Chorus]

I'm standing in the middle of the desert
Waiting for my ship to come in
But now no joker, no jack, no king
Can take this loser hand
And make it win

[Chorus]

I quit my job as a dancer
At the Lido Des Girls
Dealing blackjack until one or two
Such a muddy line between
The things you want
And the things you have to do

[Chorus]

I'm leaving Las Vegas
And I won't be back
No I won't be back
Not this time

after hearing about mL's noche de viernes, i think the questions on everyone's mind tonight are:
1) who the fuck is lj?
2) who the fuck is dan?
madeleine is the best.

i had a nice little entry here
but then decided it was best to delete it
just letting you know i am here
and i will write soon
i'm just a little tired now
and have nothing worth reading about to say anyway

except for this fact:
harvard receives just under 20,000 applicants for 1,600 spots. of that number, 3,100 applicants are ranked number one in their class. this means that harvard rejects over half of their number one applicants alone.

oh hi reality my name is jess. it's a pleasure to meet you.

feeling much better this afternoon, i was a little on edge last time you heard from me (for a change, right? :)) i dont really know how to explain this, but i don't feel like myself anymore. i'm trying too hard to be what i think other people want me to be, and of course even that is not good enough. i know i've changed a lot in the past year, and i feel as if i owe everyone an apology for this. i don't know where my head has been lately, but it's certainly not screwed on correctly. i feel so worn out, and i know i've been taking that out on everyone. i'm sorry. there are days when i try to be up, but then something someone says or does sets me off like you wouldn't believe. i know that's not right, and i know i need to relax and not overreact to every.little.thing. but sometimes that's easier said than done. a lot of my relationships with people have changed this past year, and i completely blame myself for this. i can't help but feel isolated sometimes... and i know it's my own fault. i still love all my friends and family the same as ever, but i know i dont show it as often as i should, and subsequently, i don't think they feel the same about me any longer. and that makes me feel so empty.

if only i could just go back to last august and redo all of junior year again. or maybe if only i could speed time up and just start over at the ivy league (or west coast ivy league equivalent!) college of my choice.

i'm so torn sometimes. between who i am, who i should be, who i want to be, who others want me to be. and then, when i can't handle it, i snap. i kind of think of it as like... a rope. and then when it gets pulled too much, the various strings are strained and slowly begin to split. i wish i could be more like a bungee cord. all the pieces are more effectively intertwined and are able to stretch to meet the weight demand. it's something else i should work on.

it used to be that i'd snap only once in awhile. many would catch a glimpse, but then the next day i'd be alright. now it's just spiraling out of control and i feel so helpless to stop it. demands from family, friends, teachers, coaches. it's overwhelming.

the worst part of all this is: EVERYONE ELSE FEELS THE SAME WAY.

i want to be original. i don't want people to feel like they understand me. i want to further isolate myself. i want to be ignored and brood alone. i want to be able to put on a smile and pretend like nothing's wrong. but i can't do any of these things. instead, i talk about all this stuff way too much to people that, 'quite frankly,' dont give a shit. i don't want pity. i just want someone to listen. but i need to stop just listing complaint after complaint after complaint to people who have already heard it all a million times, or are going through it themselves just as much as i am.

i want to talk about stuff people want to listen to. i want to talk about family guy and laugh at goofy nigerian english teachers, instead of being on the outside, missing out on so many inside jokes, and getting upset whenever i think about school. i want school to be better. i want to stop waking up in the morning and wishing that i never have to crawl out of bed. i want to start running again, and i want to start practicing my guitar for hours at a time. i want to read books other than those required. i want to be more up on current events rather than the compromise of 1877 or the progressive era. i want to be in the here and now, rather than there and then.

see? i want, i want, i want. i want to stop talking about my wants and start being a better person. i used to be a good person. personalized birthday cards and baked cookies for better mondays.

i need some sort of change. things have been chaotic for too long now. it's weird because there is order within all this chaos, but not the order i am seeking. i need more control. i need summer. i need to stop needing things i dont need and start appreciating those i already have.

i realize that i really am not a beautiful or unique snowflake (fight club).

one thing i really do need though is to be a better daughter. i felt absolutely terrible this morning when i realized that my mom has an extremely important test today and i didn't even wish her good luck this morning.

it's a two way street i guess.

the harvard upenn duke and georgetown thing last night has helped me to lower my expectations. i'm still going to work just as hard as i have always, but i'm just trying to be more realistic and i'm seeing that even that is not enough.

11 more days of classes, then 3 exams, and then i'm free. summer cannot come fast enough.

my cousin is flying out here next tuesday. i cannot wait to see him. it's only been 4 months since i was last in california and 3 weeks since my aunt and uncle left, but that's all too long. matt's doing something with the nantucket film festival. he won't be staying with us- i'm driving him to cape cod next thursday or friday or something. but after the ff, he's staying here for a week. he leaves on 21 june. i was invited to return to orange county with him and stay until whenever i want to leave (probably some time around 4 or 5 july-- dave's on the 6th and 7th and sox on the 10th :))

yes well. almost time for practice. i'm so far past being frustrated about not starting/playing at all anymore. i just wish she would tell me why. i'm trying so hard with whatever energy i have left after 6 hours of school and 3 hours of homework. apparently that's not good enough. and that's fine.

if it's one thing i've learned in the past 8 months, it's that sometimes being good enough is not even worth it.

(extended entry: good enough by sarah mclachlan)

volleyball is over. we, the defending state champs, lost (in 3!) in last night's quarterfinal game at westerly.

and i couldn't be happier.

dont get me wrong, i'm upset that we lost. i mean sure, i like to win. i'm extremely competitive. (let's not forget who invented shotgun wars at a dermatology lecture.) but my heart has not been in volleyball since, oh, she stopped playing me. thusly, i stopped caring. i know that's not good, but i know i'm not going to play in college or anything and the only reason i'm there is so i don't get fat. so whatever. the only part about losing i feel bad about is not winning kate another championship ring. she was the best captain, and totally deserved one. i'm only sorry we couldn't come through on that. oh well. theres only so much i can do from left bench, you know?

yeah. that's right. i didn't even play. whatever. fuck it, right? nah. fuck them. it feels so good knowing that they won't be the coaches next year. i dont need to be sworn at, or ridiculed, or ostracized, or questioned. jaime will be a lot better, and i'm totally looking forward to it.

my mom doesn't want me to play next year. (she's crazy) she's been asking me to stay out of school every morning for the past week. she was elated when i told her last night i was taking a mental health day.

to celebrate our loss last night, i drove to borders and read some of gossip girls #5 (i like it like that) and sipped iced bali hai chai with soy. then i came home and busted out the acoustic (too late for the electric) and played for 2 straight hours, more than i had all volleyball season combined. then i watched some friends dvds. and then i slept. and slept. and slept. from 12-12. it was awesome. woke up, showered, and went shopping. didn't actually buy anything, but i saw some really cute bathing suits that i was too afraid to try on. so it goes. it was nice looking at them though i guess.

now i'm home, and i do actually have to get some work done. still have an obi essay to do that was due this past monday, and also the one that was due today on mlk's i have a dream speech. the latter shouldnt be too bad- just creatively write a parallel speech about your own dream(s). i've got quite a few to write about, so it shouldn't be that bad. also we got an extension on the 12 pages paper. it's not due until 1 june now (as opposed to 24 may). now i have more of an incentive to get it done this week so that i can go to nyc next weekend and not have to worry about writing it sunday night.

whoa. won't it be cool when i can come home right after school on monday? answer: YES!

heard this song as i was leaving garden city last night. me gusta. i thought it was beck but apparently it's by the butthole surfers. previously i had cast them off as a band with the stupidest name i've ever heard in my life (other than the band) but maybe i'll think about giving them another chance.

Marky out with Sharon
And Sharon got Sharice
She was sharing Sharon's outlook
On the Topic of disease.
Mikey had a facial scar and Bobby was a racist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Tommy played piano like a kid out in the rain
Then he lost his leg in Dallas
He was dancing with a train
They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
Coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
the images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
and smell you in my clothes
Cinammon and sugary
and softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
through other peoples eyes

Some will die in hot pursuit
In fiery auto crashes
Some will die in hot pursuit
while sifting thru my ashes
Some will fall in love with life
and drink it from a fountain
that is pouring like an avalanche
coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
the images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
and smell you in my clothes
Cinammon and sugary
and softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
through other peoples eyes

Another Mikey took a knife
while arguing in traffic
Flipper died a natural death
he caught a nasty virus
Then there was the ever-present
football player rapist
They were all in love with dyin'
They were doing it in Texas
Polly caught a bullet
but it only hit his leg
well it should have been a better shot
and got him in the head

They were all in love with dyin'
They were drinking from a fountain
That was pouring like an avalanche
coming down the mountain

I don't mind the sun sometimes
the images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
and smell you in my clothes
Cinammon and sugary
and softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
through other peoples eyes

i've been meaning to post this link.

it's everyone's favorite essay assigning, vocab packet distributing, advice administering, crazy brown graduate, off the boat from nigeria english teacher! ladies and gentlemen, i present to you.... silas obadiah!

major props to rob(b) for taking this with his phone camera (yes, in the middle of class and no, that's not allowed. but hey- it's obi!)

i came home from the library after rereading the bell jar by sylvia plath today around 2 today and slept until 6. i definitely feel ill. i had been invited to a party in chepachet which would have been fun if a) i was not so sure immense feelings of awkwardness would engulf me and b) if i actually knew how to get there. i decided not to pursue my other plans either since i wasn't feeling well even after a hot shower, so i made popcorn and watched the house of sand and fog. i'm a huge fan of both jennifer connelly (requiem for a dream) and ben kingsley (aka gandhi). i don't think i'd suggest it; leaves you feeling kind of empty (3 deaths all because of a rundown bungalow? no thanks.)

for someone who took a four hour nap today, i am inexplicably exhausted. goodnight gangsters.

still feeling a bit under the weather.... today was a little better. worked a little on my sylvia plath/the bell jar thesis paper for the ob-ster with a break to start writing the essay on pride and prejudice (obstacles preventing darcy and lizzy from courting) that was due, oh, a week ago (i'm sorry, that's so uncharacteristic, but i was just so sick of that book. it's good, don't get me wrong, but after 4 essays? you start memorizing pages at a time of the novel... and that can't be healthy. i need to conserve that brain space...)

it was my grandfather's 70th birthday this past week. he and my nana celebrated by biking 30 miles around cape cod this past week. i hope i'm that active when i'm 70. we had the whole cake/presents shindig. i spent some quality time with mattnjack (the coolest 5 year olds ever!)

my mom is away for work again this week. she left a couple of hours ago.

i'm so incredibly broke, and i have a hair appointment on wednesday. i don't see how i'm going to be able to afford it, but it's too late to cancel and reschedule for another date because she's probably booked until the end of august at this point grrrrrrr

'gravedigger' is so depressing. i need to listen to something else... ok, jack johnson is making me happy... as long as i avoid 'the news'...

*sigh* another full week of school up ahead. luckily english drops tomorrow, and hopefully my spanish teacher will give us sophomore lunch. uri chemistry contest on tuesday. yeah... havent prepared for that... gotta get on it... team dinner at the coach's casa tomorrow night... ryan's prom on friday... something to look forward to for sure! :)

the red sox are currently in first and that's enough to hold over my happiness for a couple of days i figure.

damnit...

A billion people died on the news tonight
But not so many cried at the terrible sight
Well mama said
It's just make believe
You can't believe everything you see
So baby close your eyes to the lullabies
On the news tonight

Who's the one to decide that it would be alright
To put the music behind the news tonight
Well mama said
You can't believe everything you hear
The diagetic world is so unclear
So baby close your ears
On the news tonight
On the news tonight

The unobtrusive tones on the news tonight
And mama said
Mmm

Why don't the newscasters cry when they read about people who die
At least they could be decent enough to put just a tear in their eyes
Mama said
It's just make believe
You cant believe everything you see
So baby close your eyes to the lullabies
On the news tonight

i received an application to harvard in the mail today.

(come onnnnnnn, yale!)

also, my spanish teacher got mad at me because i told her i wouldnt be in class again tomorrow. i think she finally figured out that i have missed more classes this quarter than i've actually attended....

in other news, i have to create a website for my history class by friday. awesome. completely unrelated- i have an ear infection. even awesome-r.

team dinner at coach's casa tonight was muy divertido. we were so obnoxious that it almost made up for the entire season. i love us, and i know i'll miss vball. dont worry ill be back to my bitchy self come august 20th!!! (first day of tryouts)

uri chemistry test tomorrow. ap dad made the mistake of assuming i know stuff and put me on the team. pffftttttt... i think he's going to be {unpleasantly} surprised. whatever, i'm going to bed now.

benadryl = yummy

7 more days...

dude-ic acid

hilarious. this website is guaranteed to make me (and you) smile

we drove to the beach today.
sunglasses on.
windows down.
dave matthews up.

i am officially done with ap chemistry.

when you're young, and it feels like you're invincible, it's because you are...

Last Friday night, I got together with Mike, Page and Fish to talk openly about the strong feelings I've been having that Phish has run its course and that we should end it now while it's still on a high note. Once we started talking, it quickly became apparent that the other guys' feelings, while not all the same as mine, were similar in many ways -- most importantly, that we all love and respect Phish and the Phish audience far too much to stand by and allow it to drag on beyond the point of vibrancy and health. We don't want to become caricatures of ourselves, or worse yet, a nostalgia act. By the end of the meeting, we realized that after almost twenty-one years together we were faced with the opportunity to graciously step away in unison, as a group, united in our friendship and our feelings of gratitude.

So Coventry will be the final Phish show. We are proud and thrilled that it will be in our home state of Vermont. We're also excited for the June and August shows, our last tour together. For the sake of clarity, I should say that this is not like the hiatus, which was our last attempt to revitalize ourselves. We're done. It's been an amazing and incredible journey. We thank you all for the love and support that you've shown us.

-- Trey Anastasio

worst.announcement.ever.

you make me sick. literally. some things will never change. and this is one of them.

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

today was the last day for seniors. two claps. i guess i am now unofficially... a senior? weirrrrrrrrrrrrrrd....

so how about that game last night? put a smile on my face all day... let me tell you!

got prom pictures back, rye looks spectacular.

new highlights. maybe ill post a picture once i overcome my fear of cameras. it's cool how i no longer have split ends that have split ends.

ok, right, back to the sylvia plath paper... focus, jess, focus

i'm not a fan of goodbyes. never have been, and will not be any time soon. i can think of several instances where i hate saying goodbye. leaving cj in 8th grade, and knowing that i wouldnt be attending the same school as the other kids i had been with since first grade. goodbyes every time my mom goes away on a business trip. goodbyes when i went to overnight camp each summer, and goodbyes when my sister goes now. goodbyes when i leave cali relatives, or when they leave us. every day goodbyes- when i'm the first to leave the house in the morning, i make my round of goodbyes to mom dad and shel- no matter how pissed off i am at them or they are at me for one stupid thing or another. i always end our phone conversations with one quick "okiloveyoubye" it seems essential to say i love you. goodbyes, though more often than not temporary, always indicate that it could be the last word spoken because no more is said after it. final goodbyes are the worst. i hate them.

i have never voluntarily said a final goodbye.

until this past week or so.

i don't know why it suddenly seems so important, so necessary- but for some reason, it is. actually, i have not even said it; it is an unspoken, understood goodbye. i don't have to say it if i don't want to. somehow, in not saying it, it oddly feels more formal, final, this way. i am ready to watch the door close, to watch his plane take off, to see his car drive away... and not feel any regret for words spoken too late. stay, leave. don't plan on getting another hello from me though.

there are no hard feelings at all. i'm just letting go to a little wisp of a string that for some reason i felt the need to hold on to. a security string, if you will. but rather than protect me, it hurt me. no security was provided. it served as a constant reminder of everything wrong with me, everything i am insecure about. constantly questioning the past, it hovered over my head and would creep into my mind once in awhile. cause me to wrack my brain for answers. answers to questions it posed. answers that i dont have- will never have. answers that i really really just do not want to hear. answers that i am good at pretending do not even exist.

the goodbye is genuine. don't just focus on the bye part. "good" as in i hope everything goes well for you wherever you are going. best of luck. it is not to be confused with the same good as in "good riddance." 'exellentbye' for all i care.

the best part about this goodbye is that in saying it, i know i will be able to say hello to a lot more people.

hi my name is jess

this woke me up today. do not knock the fact that i have blink 182 on my blog because 1) stacie will beat yo' azz and 2) i like them as well. ive already got dammit ready to listen to on the way to school on this friday morning. despite the dreariness and a red sox loss, i'm going to have a good day.

ryan's prom is tonight and i'm going away tomorrow. so if you don't hear from me for a couple of days, there's your explanation.

It's alright / to tell me / what you think / about me
I won't try / to argue / or hold it / against you
I know that / you're leaving / you must have / your reasons
The season / is calling / and your pictures / are falling down

The steps that / I retrace / the sad look / on your face
The timing / and structure / did you hear / he fucked her?
A day late / a buck short / I'm writing / the report
On losing / and failing / when I move / I'm flailing now

And it's happened once again
I'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
Sees through the master plan

But everybody's gone
And I've been here for too long
To face this on my own
Well I guess this is growing up

Well I guess this is growing up

And maybe / I'll see you / at a movie / sneak preview
You'll show up / and walk by / on the arm / of that guy
And I'll smile / and you'll wave / we'll pretend / it's okay
The charade / it won't last / when he's gone / I won't come back

And it'll happen once again
You'll turn to a friend
Someone that understands
And sees through the master plan

But everybody's gone
And you've been there for too long
To face this on your own
Well I guess this is growing up

Well, I guess this is growing up [4x]
Well, I guess this is growing up

the past 48 hours have just been a blur! after the longest 6 hours of my life on friday, i was finally released from the prison that is school. um, mostly, i just came home and slept until ryan called around 530 to tell me he'd be here in like an hour, so i figured i should shower and get ready and whatnot. he arrived and off we went, after, of course, pictures were taken.

^the roses were so beautiful. too bad i left them at rhodes. damn it!^

^ooh! look! shiny object!^

^in all my hurry to take a nap, i totally forgot to pick up ryan's corsage. you'd think that this being the 4th prom, i'd remember important stuff like that, but no. luckily, the people who own the flower shop were staying later that night, so we were able to pick it up even though the place had been closed for over an hour by the time i remembered. go me!^

^us being chased by the paparazzi (aka my mom)^

post prom we heady to mike hartman's. put in the ring. left when things got a little crazy. but good times nonetheless!

after less than 4 hours of sleep, my parents woke me up at 7 on saturday and it was off to nyc. i slept the whole 3 hours there. we arrived at the apartment (picture 1; picture 2) in peter cooper village and immediately set off for south street seaport. walked around and shopped for a bit, then hopped over to stage deli around 3 for a late lunch. then it was off to 5th ave for some more shopping. headed back to the apartment for a power nap (needed to recharge the batteries).

truth be told- i didn't want to go to nyc at all this weekend. i have that huge 12 page obi paper on the bell jar and sylvia plath due tuesday, and so far i've got 2 pages. i put up a big fight. we were supposed to stay until monday night, but cut it short and came home today. my parents were pretty adamant about making me go, and now i know why... they surprised me with tickets to see beauty and the beast on broadway. beauty and the beast is my absolute, without a doubt favorite disney movie ever, so i was very happy. we had awesome orchestra seats. dessert afterwards at serendipity and then back home. woke up this morning and headed off to see the intrepid at 8th and 42nd, then a big ol' street festival between 42nd and 52nd and 6th. i bought the fucking awesomest pink jimi hendrix shirt everrrrrrrrr. lunched in central park and left the city around 230 and were back before 530.

all in all, a fabulous weekend.

^the view from the dining room window^

^heh, i was always more of a coach girl myself... it was beautiful inside though. my inner gossip girl felt the need to snap a photo...^

^this was one of the tables at the street festival... so colorful!^

^chillaxing in central park^

^south street seaport^