smileyjess

today i had 4 free periods. and i went in late, thus skipping spanish and gym. you need mornings like that. especially after writing 12 page papers worth 10% of your final yearly average in one day. i actually went to the library before school today to study for my last analysis test. i contemplated just staying out today, but ultimately decided it was best to just get it out of the way, what with matt arriving tomorrow and all.

i got to school around 1030, just in time to play uno in the chem lab and talk about crystal meth with jon and se7en with lauren. it was clear that i was running low on sleep. (and not even due to the usual insomnia/lying awake all night thinking of the usual bs- i went to bed with a smile on my face) @$#%$% coughing and allergies. i was in the lab for no more than 10 minutes today and pete was like 'you got no sleep last night, huh?' scary how its that obvious... i really need to learn to just not talk at all.

this afternoon i came home and guitarred it up like no one's business. then i made some green tea and lost myself in a terrible-but-addicting-bubble-gum-for-the-eyes book: confessions of a shopaholic. these things are so addicting. extremely quick reads. i guess they'll have to hold me over until gossip girl #6 comes out sometime next year (i wish i hadnt read #5 in 2 hours! and... to think... i used to read novels of substance!!)

today is 1 june. i saw my breath this morning. this makes me want to cry.

this song makes me smile, though.

#34

Oh, my head lay back on the seating

Been so tired, throw away my surrounding

Like the sun and moon take for granted

Soon we move through the flood and we fade away

Lie about it,

Cry about it,

We'll be ok

Lean upon me,

I'll lean upon you,

We'll be okay

Oh, I lay myself at your feet laughing

Hope mine eye made of the soul choir

Lean upon me,

I'll lean upon you,

We'll be okay

Lie about it,

Cry about it,

Soon fade away

Lie about it,

Cry about it,

We'll be okay

Lean upon me,

I'll lean upon you,

We'll be okay

"if everyone got to wear new clothes every day, there would be no such thing as depression."
(kinsella 171)

quite possibly all of dashboard confessional's songs feature chris carabba whining and bitching and moaning about a girlfriend that dumped him some 10-odd years ago but that does not stop me from liking him.

heres the newest, i heard it when i woke up this morning. kind of catchy, gotta admit.

vindicated

Hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine ahead has caught my eye
And roped me in so mesmerizing
It's so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so
Isolated so
Motivated I am
Certain now that I am

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So tired of the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment for forever
Defense is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in
Too deep now to ever swim
Against the current

So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip against the current
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away
So let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

My hope dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption

mike p. is the most popular and most hilarious guy at school.

mike p. is extremely handsome.

mike p. wants me to inform you that kanye west is king.

(i believe this is where i end the entry by proclaiming my love for him...)

i love mike p.

updating really quick from g12. patty, dan, and i just finished our AP U.S. History project on Knightsville. it is completely necessary that you go see our site. patty and i did all the work, and let dan control teh 'about the authors' page. so yeah, you might want to just skip to that... it's ermmm... nice.

mike gave me the kanye west cd today. i am listening to it right now. i am enlightened.

yesterday i journeyed to hendricken for the jv state meet. dan and ryan were running in it, and i watched with chris. it totally made my day (especially after someone hit my car in my school parking lot!) dan and rye ran really well, and i think tomorrow i'm also going to the varsity meet at brown to watch chris and chillax with rye and dan. gotta love those hendricken men. i felt like such a traitor!

senior prom tonight with motta! so stoked! this came so quick! my mom wasn't pleased with me not having my hair done for ryan's prom, so she took it upon herself to schedule a hair appointment for this afternoon. whatever, she's paying.

today is my last day of junior classes. loca.....

i'm leaving early today. so far i've had 2 free periods and religion. soon lunch, then 30 minutes of spanish, and i am done.

i have an interview at 130 at metlife. my mom works there and someone wants to hire me as a personal assisstant/paid intern whatever. i imagine the pay is decent and i won't mind working there much. 6 hours, 3 days a week. that's do able i suppose. mehh. i'm so broke.

today in english (which counts as one of my free periods- not like we ever did much in obi anyway, right guys?!?), mr. L came in to talk to us about our summer reading for next year's ap english course. he's wicked scary. we have to read 6 diesel books. i've read one already, but i'm definitely going to have to read it again... we have to write essays on each books about 6 specific areas. i can't even remember the names of the other 5 books, i'll post them later, mostly for my own sake, because 10 bucks says i'll lose the paper and have to refer to my own archives. heh.

but yeah so L's standing there, all intimidating and such, and i'm sitting there, trying to make him think i'm a good student, when bam. my cell phone starts ringing! ahhhhh! i was mortified. now, usually, i don't even keep it in my pocket, but chris called this morning while i was in the car, so after we were done talking i just put it in my pocket and headed off for homeroom. alas, i didnt turn it off and i forgot to put it away before obi. it was the text message alert, but i still had to take it out, open it (it makes noise then too!!!!), and click around until i could open the text. i practically died of embarassment.

obi gave us uber nice journals. ahhh i knew i always loved that guy. i'm not going to miss that class, per say, but i'll miss him. i mean come on. it was refreshing to have an english teacher straight off the boat from nigeria. "super nooooo" "delicioussssssss" "mr. o's dance party!!! ohmygod! ohmygod!" "at school academy!?!?!?!!?!" "watch out for mr. pregnancy!" "stay away from mr. guinness!" i've learned so much in that class!!

wow. i really am done with junior year.

oh, isnt it cool that i'm going to prom tonight and have to get up for sat 2's tomorrow? writing, math, chem. awesome. i'm gunna die.

theres the bell.

these are the group pictures that were found on the cutting room floor.

ladies and gentlemen, the 2004 prom season has officially ended.

chris and i had an awesome time on friday in newport. preprommed it up at salafia's with nate, brad, shane, and their respective dates then headed over the bridges in our respective acuras and audis (and fords lol). they were all a stylish shade of black. hot pinkness was pushed aside to make way for this frock which i found as i raided shannon's trunk on friday afternoon (thanks again shan!!!!) here's a pic:

chris never smilesssssssssssssss! lol

everyone looked stupendous at prom. one of my favorite parts was when the chick in front of chris and me while we were waiting to have our picture taken was talking about her date's two sons. he was like:: 19. yeah. locaaaaaaaaaa!!! note to self: do not take 19 year old fathers of two to senior prom. it was also funny to watch motta follow through on his promise to hit on kevin's date at every opportunity. effing hilarious. james and dan were there, and that was awesome. i finally got to meet macalyn, dan's girlfriend. they make me so happy. i don't her well at all, and i just met dan this year, but the two of them together are so happy and ahh... i love love. i was able to talk to james about his recent purchase of a vintage fender jag. (only a mere $2000! what a steal!) i was positively green with envy. he's so awesome. all in all, an excellent evening.

then yesterday morning i had sat II's- writing, math IC, and chem. chem ate my soul, but i feel at least comfortable enough about the other two. (jon and i find it very amusing how chemistry and us wanting to kill ourselves goes hand in hand.) i'll probably end up taking them all over again though, i dont think i was really focused. jon, scorp, madeleine, becka, ev, and i were wicked obnoxious and i loved it. mrs. romani was our proctor and she is awesome. there was a trippy chick there who compared bronsted- lowery acids and bases to gatekeepers and keykeepers. we chuckled- oh with the endless chem insiders, i could go on forever, but ill spare you. afterwards i had planned to go to the chicos track meet, but my brain was so fried and i was exhausted.

last night i saw harry potter and ate thai food and it was all very excellent.

this morning we dropped my dad off at the airport. he is going (going) back (back) to cali (cali). (bonus points if you caught my subtle gangsterness there.) i am beyond jealous. he's going for 11 days to hike whitney and parts of the pacific crest trail with my uncle. i get to stay home and study like a motha for exams.

monday: 1130- 130 - justice and peace period f
tuesday: 1130- 130 - analysis period d
thursday: 8:30- 10:30 - spanish period a

then i am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee; good bye junior year o' death!

i have my first exam tomorrow and i can't bring myself to study. it's already 520. sniff sniff... anyone else smell a breakdown approaching? this is so bad. goodbye.

This message is addressed to everyone who is reading this post.

I want you to anonymously post anything that you want. Anything. Post a story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything. If you hate me - go ahead and say it, if you love me - go ahead and say it. Nothing will be held against you because I won't know who is saying it.

Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post however many times you'd like.

do it. you won't.

you know you want to.

i double dog dare you.

i bite my nails. we all have our bad habits.

today it's not even that bad. i used to bite them so low they'd bleed. that's when i was first sent to talk to someone. why do you do this to yourself. you're 11. you don't know worries. a little pat on the head and a healthy dose of sun cured me.

the burn on my forearm? from november? i dont even remember the pain. now it's june, and i've still got a nasty scar. on several occasions my mom has remarked how she wants me to have it fixed so my forearm isnt so ugly. it's smaller than a dime.

i don't mind it so much though. it's got a good story behind it. i'd never been burned before, no one told me to pour cold water over it. you live and you learn.

it's the scars no one can see that need to be 'fixed.' the scars that i can't even see because i refuse to look at them.

but i'm working on it, guys, i am. with a little help. you live and you learn.

i was just wondering if you'd come along
and hold up my head when my head won't hold on

dos mas horas de escuela para mi. tengo solo un examen este jueves-- para la clase de espanol. yo no estudiara nada. como se dice... "eff that ess."

the religion exam went well monday. it took for-ev-er to get through all the websites monday morning during the time alotted for my history exam. i mean, everyone's came out really well- and i'm only saying this because no one cares about knightsville- but is it really necessary to subject students to the economic, social, and technological developments of a 3 block street for 20 #!$!#%^! minutes? i sat in the back row, left hand corner with patty, jon, and teej. also, i had caffeine in my system. way too much caffeine in my system.

after school i didn't feel like going home so i headed over to hendricken para ver los chicos. surprised chris and dan and ryan. it was excellent to see all of them. dan spent the better part of an hour fighting with me, until i kicked his ass ("i will fuck you upppppppp!!!") on the lawn of the school. ryan played the role of peacemaker. actually, dan and i dragged him into our verbal fight, ripping him apart like the child of a bad divorce. didn't end up getting home until about 4ish. attempted to study for analysis, but it just wasn't working out for the two of us.

around 6 dan dropped by and we went to garden city. (i guess he forgave me for the ass whooping i gave him.) ate ice cream, sat in the gazebo. it's been forever since i've done that. felt good. walked around and chatted. he picked flowers for me. as in:: a whole plant. a geranium, to be exact. red. i left it in my car and it made me smile yesterday morning as i headed off to take analysis.

ohhhh analysis. we'll just leave it at that. i indulged in green jellybeans and diet coke when i got home. then it was off for an afternoon/evening at chris's in chariho. (guys! it's not even that far! it only took me 31 minutes to get there! you roe-dylindas...) met the fammmmm, all very nice of course. (oh man, you know whats the worst? when you go to lean in for a hug and the other person really just wanted a handshake yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhh no worries, there was a super sweet recovery hahahahaha i loathe stuffy new england attitudes if only because they make me feel terribly out of place on this coast!) then chris and i beached it (yes, jon, we took the xterra)- we went misquamicut. (thus making bringing my number of beach trips this year to 6 already! yeah bitchesssssssss) it was a beyond gorgeous day. walked all along for over an hour, the headed back and went out to dinner. we got back just in time to watch the sox! alas he has school today so i was home by 915ish last night. psh school. you know how that goes.

2 more hours.......

i think i'm off to narragansett today. not sure yet, though. gotta round up enough people that don't have any exams. :)

i leave you with the wonderful words of dave... (for once, not matthews, but rather... giardino!)

i just made 2 diet coke and 2 coffee popsicles.

yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.... imagine how badass i would be right now if caffeine was illegal. what a concept.

my 'white chocolate' stomach is now a nice strawberry red. and it's hot. literally. putting our aloe vera plant to good use. :)

the beach was beautiful. my favorite part was how i didn't have to pay! two claps for narragansett!

2 more hours. it's my mantra.

i'll be away from tonight until sunday. that's why things'll be a lil' quiet. heading over to brown to co-lead a leadership seminar for smaller leaders (sophomores) what a concept. if they're leaders, why do they need me? it'll be fun, though, i'm uber looking forward to it!

meegs (of not so simple) posed the question of what perfection is. what it looks like, tastes like, feels like, smells like. while i was basking in the sun's rays yesterday, i thought about how important perfection (success wise; flawlessness) is to me. and how it was weird that at that moment, though i hadn't achieved any more success or ridding of any flaws than i had in the moment before it, everything felt perfect.

so i compiled a list of some of the things that perfection is. any additions? subtractions? comment, beautiful.

Perfection…

Looks like:
-Brand new boxes of Crayola crayons
-Snow falling in the soft glow of streetlights
-Stars that appear so close you can almost claim one for yourself
-Clouds floating across the mood
-The sun settings between the clouds
-Birds of paradise (my favoritest flower)
-Warm candlelight
-The person waiting at the gate of a plane, eagerly anticipating the arrival of a loved one
-Hot pink
-Wordless conversations
-Autumn foliage

Tastes like:
-Hot chewy morsels of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies
-Strawberry shortcake
-Granola clusters
-Pina coladas
-Del’s lemonade
-The first bite of an apple
-Crisp lettuce
-Marshmallow Fluff
-Phish Food
-The sweat of accomplishment that rolls down onto your lips in the shower after a hike, bike, run, etc
-Freshly sliced watermelon
-Thick strawberry milkshakes
-The drippy hot glaze from Krispy Kreme doughnuts

Smells like:
-Clean sheets
-Ocean air
-Freshly cut lawn
-Hot over baked bread
-Fresh snow
-Christmastime
-Birthday cake
-Waffles
-Maple syrup
-Vanilla
-Campfire
-New Crayola crayon boxes
-Vacuumed cars
-Pumpkin spice
-My grandather’s Bay Rum aftershave
-Paul Mitchell shampoo in coconut
-Just opened Oreo packages
-Benadryl

Feels like:
-Warm white sand between toes
-Fingers through hair
-New notebooks
-Rose petals
-The steam from hot chocolate
-Being held from behind by the waist with the other person’s head resting gently on your shoulder
-Crisp autumn wind
-Getting something stuck in your teeth out- (finally!) – (It’s usually popcorn, by the way)
-Taking off prom shoes after a night of dancing
-The old Curious George doll you dragged around from ages 1-6
-The freedom that comes with a full tank of gas (freedom for a 36 dollar price tag)
-Wrapping presents
-Feeling someone shiver in your arms

Sounds like:
-Gentle waves
-Mixed laughter
-The wind through trees
-The words of Jack Kerouac, e.e. cummings, and Allen Ginsberg
-Campfire crackles
-Soft summer rain hitting hot pavement
-Cheery hello from a stranger
-Leaves crunching beneath your feet
-Snow crunching beneath your boots
-Bob Marley, Dave Matthews, Lenny Kravitz, Jimi Hendrix, Bob Dylan, Bruce Springsteen, John Mayer (guilty pleasure, sorry), Jakob Dylan, Ewan McGregor singing Elton John’s “Your Song”, Phish, Pachelbel’s Canon, Paul Simon, Sarah McLachlan’s whole Mirrorball album, George Winston’s December, sultry Santana licks, Beck’s “Lost Cause”, the intro to “Glycerine” by Bush, Josh Groban… I could go on, but I’ll spare you
-Someone saying they need you

long time no see! my weekend of hoby at brown was a success! i was, admittedly, not looking forward to it at all. the main organizers had failed to properly delegate, and so many of my fellow alumni leaders and i were left in the dark. we had no idea what to expect, and much of the schedule seemed bleak. however, everything seemed to fall right into place once the kids arrived on friday morning.

it was incredibly awesome to see everyone- katie, farah, deanna, dan, and mark- from last year's seminar. the facilitators were great- to say the least. matt, rich, bryan (with a y), craig, and steve. (no one was over 23.) on thursday night the latter four were... a bit tipsy... and that was hilarious. bryan was your typical obnoxious, narrow minded rich kid, yet he was so fucking funny. rich was cute in that boy next door way (while under the influence, he confessed his virginity; he can also jiggle low ["my hands are high, my feet are low... and this is how i jiggle low"]) , best friends but really bullied by bryan. steve was awesome, he was my leader last year, and craig was funny because he kept hitting on katie (which is really just weird, if you think about it.) we all made fun of a short man who resembled yoda all weekend. ("with us is the force.") everyone on staff was awesome though, and i had an incredibly great time (despite going to bed at 330 and waking up at 600 each day)

saturday we went to waterfire, which was highly anticipated. i was pleasantly surprised to find chris (pilny that is... not to ever be confused with any other chrises i may or may not know) waiting for me by the water. i was able to show him off and prove that he was not merely a figment of my imagination as many assumed. i was cold and he gave me his jacket, it was incredibly cliche, but i loved it. and matt (quick note: he's sailed around the world and is opening his own photography business in newport- he's incredibly awesome. additionally he remarkably resembles johnny depp ::swoon::) was totally chill and let chris stay with us the whole time we were there. muy bueno.

the closing ceremony on sunday was very nice, hard to believe we had all grown so close in a mere 3 days. we said our goodbyes, and deanna drove me home. she's going to study in italy for the next two years, isnt that incredible? chris came over and we did the whole dinner with my parents thing then i made him watch pirates of the caribbean because i was in total johnny depp mode. after he left i completely crashed. the weekend of utter craziness finally caught up with me and i didnt wake up until 1030 this morning. showered then went to krispy kreme. original plans for the day included a trip to misquamicut, but it rained, so instead we drove around for a bit then settled in to watch love actually. mmm hugh grant...

now i'm home and can't really sleep. my mind is racing thoughts all jumbled. i want to start reading the following books i was able to pick up last week:

a million little pieces by james frey (im about 100 pages into it- wicked good!)
reefer madness: sex, drugs, and cheap labor in the american black market by eric schlosser
the first rasta by helene lee
the radical reader by timothy mccarthy

so i guess i'm off to do that.

i'm highly anticipating tomorrow-- after his exam ryan's coming over and we have plans to devour chocolate chip pancakes (drowned in maple syrup, por supuesto) fueron cocinadas por yo.

i can't wait.

oh p.s. i like jimmy buffet, hope that's okay with everyone. i was invited to see him in concert in september. huzzah!

so i have a job. two claps. i'll be working at m*t with mi madre este verano. it pays well, and doesn't look like anything i can't handle. the downside is i don't think i'll be playing volleyball in the fall... but let's not talk about that right now.

ryan only had one examinacion hoy, so he came over around 1030ish and we cooked ourselves quite a breakfast feast then spent a few hours out on the deck just chatting it up. he left around 2 to study for analysis. yes, he has his "anal" exam tomorrow, if you will. (laugh it up! saying "calc" will not be nearly as much fun next year!!)

i've been having some freaky dreams lately. two nights ago i dreamt that an unnamed teacher (male) worked at coach and gave me a free bag (in pool/berry). that was weird. then last night i dreamt someone cut me in line at (of all places...) toys r us and i called her a stupid idiot. (endquote lol) then i proceeded to break down and cry and apologize profusely. it was so bizarre.

yeah so now i'm bored. and it feels so fucking wonderful. i heart summer for life.

i talk. a lot. this is no secret. and for when i can't talk, i've got this thing. where i can write. and i've also got a real journal, for when i don't feel like broadcasting my life over the web.

when it's quiet, i'll do anything to break the silence. tell a terrible joke, laugh a little louder, mention the weather. because silence pierces right through me. i hate it. it leaves me alone with my thoughts, and most of the time i don't like them. when i'm driving, the bass is as loud as it can go and i need to have the music blasting. whenever i'm on the computer, windows media player is always open. i can't not have noise. at night, i fall asleep to before these crowded streets with crush, the stone, pig, and spoon on repeat.

i think silence just reminds me of being alone in general. my worst fear is that i'll end up alone, so it's only natural to hate anything that reminds me of my worst fear, right? (it's really rather ironic when you think of the lengths i've gone to this past year to isolate myself...)

but the point of this entry is that today i experienced the most comfortable silence of my life. there was no need for me to break it. we drove around in a car with no radio, and the brief moments when we weren't talking felt perfect. sunglasses on, windows down.

i never knew that so much existed in such silence. thoughts that i didnt even mind being left alone with. because i wasnt alone. and that was comfortable.

i curse the day chris introduced me to j. crew (that day would be today)

it is 10:41 and i have been looking (drooling?) at their website for the better portion of an hour now.

in my head i think i have spent my whole summer's worth of paychecks.

*shakes fist*

i received two big manila envelopes full of stuff for the impending academic year yesterday in the mail. my mom made me fill out the ones to participate in athletics, and i accidently put grade 11 instead of grade 12. changing that 1 into a 2 put a really dorky smile on my face.

we're effing seniors. loco.

enough about school, though! yesterday's plans went awry when dan and i realized that neither of us had cars and thusly could not hang out. he starts work today! (stop and shop on mineral spring... go and see the hottest bag boy ever! ... dan and he share the same shift hahaha) ended up over chris' four hours early and we headed to misquamicut for a couple of hours. it was a beautiful day and we managed to find a not corwded area. the beach always makes me exhausted so we had mandatory naptime then proceeded down pina coladas and blow off dinner with my family (they were going to texas grillhouse! what was i going to have- grilled salad?!?! no thanks)

i came home and was in the mood for friends. i miss the 8 oclock must see tv thursday slot. so i watched 'the one where ross and rachel take a break' and 'the one the morning after.' both made me so inexplicably sad. i've seen them 10+ times each (easily) and know all the punchlines to all the jokes. ("do you think i need a new walk? i mean, i've been walking the same since high school...") and also, it's a tv show.... lol has anyone else heard that jen and brad are expecting? oh my god, i cannot wait to see that baby.

today's been pretty mellow thus far. i had to get drug tested (w00t!) for the trabajo, then headed over to ryan's to play a rousing game of frisbee, but due to time constraints was only able to devour a bowl of sorbet. got our pictures from his prom. they are simply too pimp for words. he's wearing chris' aviators and i've got my shades on as well. fricken awesome.

i've got chores to do today mehh. tonight it looks like i'm off to chariho for a coffeehouse and then in the morning we're going to boston for the dia.

[edit: p.s. jon wall is my hero.]

last night, chris and i went to perks and corks (a coffeehouse in happenin' downtown westerly!) for some wonderful chais and enlightening jazz singing and acoustic guitars. i got to meet so many of his friends and acquaintances. jared and elaina were both totally awesome, and i can't wait to hang out with them again.

the atmosphere was impossible to describe. so i won't even try. we drove home to the luscious lyrics of mr. john mayer. and i felt so infinite.

today i went to boston with his fam and had an excellent time strolling about quincy markey and faneuil hall and touring along the charles river. we laughed at starbucks baristas and played thumb war (i let him win) and admired the citgo sign that one usually sees beyond fenway.

i had the worst nightmare last night. i went to bed around 1, and at 230 i woke up in a cold sweat. my mom and i were driving home over the old newport bridge. the wind was strong, and the bridge was swaying. i screamed, she panicked, and we went over the side.

i can still feel my stomach dropping.

i remember saving her, and i remember seeing my car being pulled out of the water, lamenting over the loss of all of my favorite cds. i remember screams. they echo, still. i remember shaking and tasting dried salt on my lips. i woke up and heard the storm outside and heard my deep breaths and heard a voice that wasn't there.

i took the hottest shower of my life at 3am this morning. i lay awake in my bed until 530 listening to the rain on the roof, the window, and the street. i tried to read a million little pieces, but couldn't comprehend the words. finally i fell asleep just as the sun was peeking over the horizon.

my life is still controlled by my fears, and that's scary.

here is a beyond beautiful excerpt from A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. it's pretty trippy, but i loved it.

She leans forward and she kisses me. It is strong, weak, deep, quiet, loud. It is vulnerable, impenetrable, fragile, secure, unprotected, completely protected. It is open, deep, full, simpler, true. It is more. True.
She pulls away her lips pull away. Without words we walk hand in hand through the thick Wood. At the dense edge near the Trail she stops and she guides me forward and our hands slide slowly apart until there are two fingers one each of our fingers touching not wanting to let go or be away. I stop. I let my finger the tip of my finger touch her the tip of her finger. We stare at each other. Her smile has not gone away and mine will not either. It will be there when I'm not smiling it will still be there. A smile and a kiss and the tips of two fingers. Touching.

big ol' cookout at the kowal's today para dia de los padres. in attendence were the usual: nana, tata, auntie, uncle dave, jack, matt, uncle, auntie trish, joshua, madre, padre, shelby, josh, chris, and myself. it's a good thing chris came; i had already downed a smirnoff ice by the time he got here, a mere 15 minutes after the rest of the gang (p.s. i can go through those things like water!)

^a rather tipsy photo of JnM, but it's perfect... true essence of the twins^

^me (why hasnt anyone told me how huge my nose is before?) with my two favorite guys - chris and jimi^

tomorrow includes a trip to greenville to bid adieu to liz and rach, a dentist appointment, and sleepless in seattle. oh, and scheduling interviews with brown, pc, bu, and bc.

my hair dryer died yesterday and i am still sad. any recommendations?

go see dodgeball. it is hilarious. i love ben stiller.

keeping busy, matt's in town again! not realy sure whats in store, but today we discussed boston, the vineyard, the cape, and jamestown.

an excellent quote from dinner with the pilnys:

his mom has just slaved away at a fabulous vegetarian dish

him: you know what would go really well with this?
me: what?
him: chicken.

sorry it's been awhile! been keeping busy! various days this week included: trips to hope valley, misquamicut beach (so glorious! wayyy better than narragansett!), pinelli's, federal hill, j. crew shopping (we're best friends now), dodgeball, s'mores, belleview avenue, thames street, scary thoughts racing through my mind as we crossed the jamestown and newport bridges, thayer street, and vitamin e. today we've got a family birthday party to attend. i think after we manage to escape, matt and i will hit up some of the beaches around point judith, then hit waterfire tonight.

here are a handful of pictures from yesterday when matt, yeefun, padre, and i braved the cliff walk (which sounds a lot scarier than it actually is) for a few miles to get decent views of the newport mansions. it was a rather miasmic day, thus the fog in the pictures. nonetheless, it was a most enjoyable time.

^couldnt even fit this one within the confines of the lens width!^

^weird shot, had to hold the camera above a fence, but i totally loved the fogginess^

^the breakers^

well, i have once again entered the working force. i don't really know what to think yet. of course, it sucks because i can't do whatever i want whenever i want despite it being summer anymore. (i have not beached it since sunday! and that one kind of doesn't even count! *gasp!*) but then i think of how much i'm making, and it's a nice comfort. i'm out at 4 everyday, and once i get my own desk computer (hopefully sometime this week or next) i'll be able to go in earlier and thus get out earlier. it's not a difficult job, all officework and such, i've got a cubicle and my own email account. whatever.

i haven't started summer reading yet.

despite a wonderful sunday evening spent dancing, playing badmitten and later catching up with my cuz, i had another terrible nightmare on sunday night. woke up shaken and shaking. it was 3 and i couldn't go back to sleep. needless to say i wasn't in the best of moods on monday morning (my first day on the jobbbbbb). it wasn't improved until i was able to flee the confines of mi casa para ver Farenheit 9/11 con cristobal.

if you have not seen this movie, go see it. like, now. it's everything you expect it to be. personally, i liked bowling for columbine more, but i mean, farenheit 9/11 is awesome as well. extremely well done. two claps for michael moore. it was rather graphic and disconcerting, but very informative and investigative. quality soundtrack (featuring everyone from the bloodhound gang to neil young!) strong resounding message; obviously it is meant to leave you thinking. oh, and i effing hate george dubya more than ever. ("some call you the elite; i call you my base" ; "gathered tonight we have the haves... and the have mores" ; "they say this in tennessee... i mean texas.... but probably in tennesse as well... fool me once (extremely long, awkward pause with very confused look)- sh-sh-sh....shame on you!")

i have my senior portrait tomorrow night. i'm nervous. i have nothing to wear. mehh. i'm dreading it.

my parents are making me pay for gas since i've been driving to hope valley so much nowadays (~64 round trip miles) today i had the madre's coche, so i used up her gas. mwhahaha. finally bought myself a new hair dryer... i no longer have to resort to driving 90+ with the windows down... which is, you know. safer.

theres been a change in the lineup for the dave shows. (less than one week to go! fucking crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!) tuesday remains rye rach and, but on wednesday james has his orientation (so meg's taking another one of her amigas) and andy's parents surprised him with a trip to the bahamas (which is... you know... fricken awesome of them, even i'd sacrifice my double dose of dave for it) so i'm taking chris instead. no doubt both shows will totally rock.

well, i suppose that is all. dismissed.