smileyjess

A shamelessly stolen tribute poem by Andy Gould

In tribute to number 5, I write this poem-ah
for the greatest redsox shortstop, Nomah

once rookie of the year, how quickly you've grown-ah
First pitch swinging, you'll nail a homah

twice batting champ, you wear the crown-ah
Even expo stadium gets packed when you come to town-ah

you could rob base hits hammered to the hole-ah
and then gun it to first with nice arm control-ah

we're sorry bout the trade talks, they were pretty low-ah
but we see now A-rods a real A-hole-ah
he can gurgle white gooey foam-ah
cuz now he's suckin jeter's yankee dome-ah

In a perfect world, fenway would always be your home-ah
Only the most beloved sock deserves a poem-ah
but no matter to what team you roamah,
We'll always love you in Boston, Nomah.

aguafuego anoche fue mucho divertido! met zach (the prowd owner of one of these) at 8ish under the tunnel right where the whole thing starts, and we just walked the length of the river. went to cafe pazzo and got free coffee. score! (add it to the list!) settled on a bench and people watched. (or rather, people listened) we had a good time eavesdropping on the most randomest conversations ever ("are you gassy??" and "cat slippers" are among our personal favorites!) we laughed at the egyptian techno and were taken aback when raggae kicked in. sat on the wall, caught not one but two flowers (white and red) saw some heinously atrocious looking canines and made fun of bucket bangers. became thirsty once more (tends to happen after nearly 2.5 straight hours of talking) and met dave, steve, and ashley at brewed awakenings. (i suggest the mango smoothie.) i only met zach just a couple of weeks ago- the night i had my senior pictures taken- and it was chill to just be able to meet up and hang out with his amigos like that. they all knew each other, but were totally easy to talk to. ash enlightened us with info regarding the fat content of mcdonald's items (she works there and gained 20 pounds in 9 months! it's all gone now- awesome for herrrrrr!!!) and steve pretended to be her abusive boyfriend. we ended up just sitting in there for close to an hour. being parked on the third floor of the mall, i headed back to the car around 11ish- good thing zach was with me... otherwise i may still be looking for it (i hate the prov place mall parking garage for lyfe.) it took 20 minutes for me to get out of there! grrrr i really have got to learn to parallel park.

i took my time heading home. it was a full moon, rather eerie watching the clouds float over it. i wanted to take some pictures, but then i realized my mom has the camera with her in california.

i just sat there &i listened to everclear.

White Men In Black Suits
I am just a boy working in a record store
Yes I moved to San Francisco just to see what I could be
I am a loser geek, crazy with an evil streak
Yes I do believe there is a violent thing inside of me
She is just a girl, she is doing what she can
She dances topless
When she's not playing in her band
Such a pretty girl, happy in an ugly place
Watching all the pretty people do lots of ugly things
I think it's getting better for the two of us
Yes I think it's getting better almost everyday
I could give a damn for what those people say
All I want to do is lose myself in your room
All you want is just a slow fuck in the afternoon
I still see those scary guys when I am all alone at night
I kiss the ring you gave me then I swing with all my might
I think it's getting better for the two of us
I think it's getting easier for you and me to agree
That the white men in black suits
They are diminishing
Yes I think they are diminishing
Yes I think they diminish you and they diminish me
I think they are diminishing
You know sometimes I hear those people say
Yeah she takes a bus
Over to the north side of the city
She goes to work stripping for the rich white men
All the words they give her
Make her feel so soft and pretty
She wears them but they never seem to fit
Yes I think it's getting beter for the two of us
Yes I think it's getting better in the worst way
I refuse to be afraid of almost everyone
Afraid of all the things they do or the words that they say
Let's live the way we want to live and hope they go away
I really hope they go away
I really hope they find a nice place
I hope they find it somewhere
I hope they go away
I can still hear all those people say

((&i kept looking at the time. &i realized that i've got a lot of it. &i'll wait as long as i have to.))

story of my life!
i'm just a temp.

and for all of you that bathe with toasters, can i still join you if i've read two summer reading books in 3 days?

charming billy was the one i read in florida. i dont really remember it, except that it reminded me of madeleine because people drank a lot.

a prayer for owen meany.... more like no prayers for owen meany. don't bother reading this one. it's supposed to be all heartfelt, feel-good stuff. i felt good that i wasnt as effed up as owen, but that's about all.

chronicle of a death foretold. i read this with a grain of salt because i'll probably write a shitty 500 word essay on how the title is an excellent example of foreshadowing.

it is too early to be awake.

"It took Robert Wayne Anderson 2 1/2 months to cross the continent with his thumb in the air and a battered corduroy hat on his head. He set out from Sacramento with the clothes on his back, a container of dog food, and a red dog named Red Dog."

it's my homeless friend!!!!!!!

he loved that dog. if you ever see robert, i encourage you to talk to him. don't be afraid of him. the other night i saw him on pontiac. he recognized my car and waved. "hey dude can i buy you dinner?" i told him to meet me at burger king. walk in, number 2 double whopper value meal, king size, please, walk out. i handed him his meal and we chatted politely. i felt so bad. i really wish there was more i could do. he used to have a friend here (other than red dog), and i asked about him. he said that he left for tennessee where he had heard there would be more job opportunities. i really hope he's okay too.

man, perspective is such a bitch sometimes.

he has the clearest blue eyes i've ever seen. ryan and i are going to listen to his stories.

last night, i dreamt that i was in a cult. except, of course, in the dream i didn't know it was a cult. we were on an island in what can only be described as perfect paradise. we ran. a lot. ran for water. ran for food. not to actually retrieve either- you had to run a certain amount in order to be rewarded with either. such vivid colors. it seemed so real. i didnt know anyone. their faces i can see still right now, but they arent those of anybody i know in real life. i remember there being a fire. and shadows. and buzzing mosquitoes. the water was crystal clear, and when we went swimming, i floated with ease. i was very tan. i had muscles. i wore a copper ring that left the ring finger of my right hand green. sometimes they wore green masks (think:: blue man group, but green man group). my hair was dreaded, complete with little wooden beads i had carved out of branches that had fallen after we experienced a particularly disastrous hurricane. i remember hearing the wind. i remember not being scared. we had a tiny rowboat. there were no threatening predators. except one another.

in the dream, i went to three funerals. the third one was my own.

analyze that.

skipped work. (eff that ess. 32 hours is plenty.) hadnt really had the best night which is probably why i had a pretty messed up dream.

spent some top quality time with dan(theman). it was a nice day (not quite nice enough for the beach) but nice enough for a picnic and swingingwalkingtalking in a nearby park for a good 4 or so hours. (yes, we are that gangster.) he had a "band"anna. he also carried my $1 mexican blanket (which only added to his gangsterness.)

despite having to spend time with my mom and dad tonight, it wasn't as bad as one would expect. (i said about 4 words.) my dad's best friend is a jeweler, and we had his annual gala to attend tonight- the unveiling of his new line. the stuff is, of course, totally out of my league and exceptionally beautiful. (no copper rings there!) tonight was 'business casual' but tomorrow night is more formal. my mom wants me to go to nordstrom and get new makeup. also i am supposed to find a dress to wear. how am i getting through two nights in a row with my parents, you ask?

two words. open. bar.

"i will not be recycled."

Which Empire Records Character Are You? Find out @ She's Crafty

Lucas: Mitchell's the man Joe.
Joe: And the man calls all the shots.
Lucas: Damn the man.
Joe: Let me explain it to you. Mitchell's the man. I'm the idiot. You're the screw-up. And we're all losers. Welcome to music town.

Lucas: My ass is falling asleep.

Lucas: In the immortal words of The Doors, 'The time to hesitate is through.'

Debra: I went to rock and roll heaven, and I wasn't on the guest list.

Debra: No visible tatoos.
Gina: No revealing clothing.
Debra: We're both screwed. At least you're used to it.

Warren: Who glued these quarters down?
A.J.: I did.
Warren: What the hell for, man?
A.J.: I don't feel that I need to explain my art to you, Warren.

Warren: Why don't you take these CD's and shove them up your ass?
Lucas: Because it would hurt a lot, Warren.

Lucas: Joe, I think it's gonna be okay.
Joe: What makes you think that?
Lucas: Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear.

A.J.: What's with you? Yesterday you were normal and today you're like the Chinese guy from the Karate Kid. What's with you today?
Lucas: What's with today today?

A.J.: ...you know, I got to tell her that I, uh, well, you know, that I uh...
Joe: love her.
A.J.: Yeah, now how do I do that?
Joe: You say I love you. What do you want, written instructions?

Gina: Attention Rex Manning fans, to your left you will notice a shoplifter being chased by night manager Lucas. This young man will be caught, deep fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our first hundred customers. Just another tasty treat from the gang at Empire Records.

'i think [i am] blind to the fact that the hand [i] hold is a hand that holds [me] down.'

this.is.all.wrong.and.it.shows.
there's/certain\things/i\promised/not\to/let\you/know
(i've got a silly way of keeping you up on the edge of my seat)

this emo moment brought to you by me drowning my fears.

i'm batting a thousand right now. 3 for 3. why do i always do this? someday i'll get it right, set it straight. but for right now, i guess i'm just better off alone.

drowning by dashboard confessional
And we're drowning you out
in boasts of defection
if everything was up to me I would be gone by the first sign
the first sign of hope I'd be packed up and out of my way.

And time has been spread so thin
and it's just hours till the day begins.
And the things that are keeping you here are not keeping me here
and the things that are keeping you here will keep me away.

And you'll be sorry
isn't that what they'll say.
Don't follow your heart cause it just seems to get in your way.

And don't ever leave here
and mope at your leisure
and straighten out your crease here
and truth is in a tall beer.

Are you drowning your fears
in a glass of deception?
When everything is hazy than everything will be ok .
When everything is hazy than you won't be sad that you stayed.

And time has been spread so thin
and its just hours till the day begins.
And the things that are keeping you here are not keeping me here
and the things that are keeping you here will keep me away.

And you'll be sorry
isn't that what they'll say.
Don't follow your heart cause it just seems to get in your way.

And don't ever leave here
and mope at your leisure
and straighten out your crease here
and truth is in a tall beer.

really. i am sorry.

::beats chest twice, holds out peace sign:: props to my man zach for telling me about this song.

Sucker by John Mayer

Sometimes, I wish that I was the weather
You'd bring me up in conversation forever
And when it rained, I'd be the talk of the day

Oh, sometimes I wish that I was a cold beer
I'd rest assured that you would hold me near
I'd be guaranteed to be just what you need

And there could be no other way, 'cause you're so, you're so lame
Your tired words are all, they're all the same
Yeah I would walk and I'd surely walk away
If I wasn't such a sucker for you

Sometimes, I wish that I was a bong hit
You'd let me in and you would love every minute
And tell the room the things I did to you...

Oh and there could be no other way, 'cause you're so lame
Your tired words are all, your tired words are all the same
Yeah I would walk you know I'd surely walk away
If I wasn't such a sucker for you

I see your world with rosey-colored glasses on
Wanna right what I see wrong
I could never have that power over you

Someday, I'm gonna pack up and leave this town
I'm gonna get my own things goin' on
And when I do, I'll forget
I'll forget
I'll forget about how, how you're so, you're so lame
Your tired words are all, your tired words are all the same
And I would walk you know I'd, I'd walk away
If I wasn't such a sucker for you
I wasn't such a sucker for you
I wasn't such a sucker for you

busy weekend. the second night of the gala was nice. i got a sapphire necklace. and coconut rum with pineapple.

today was josh's first birthday. good times. too many people.

zach picked me up tonight (first ride in a wrangler!) and we hit brewed awakenings for a solid 3 or so hours. (he had an ice coffee, i devoured a raspberry chai) hung out with dave, who told us about a skinhead that kicked him in the knee and ice cream and sex in airport parking lots. prior to that though zach and i were engaged in deep, meaningful coffeehouse conversation. such as who is hotter- johnny depp, orlando bloom, or jude law (answer: jude law). tom cruise or nicole kidman (him, tom cruise, me, nicole kidman). politics. religion. removing nail polish with everclear. cigahhhhs and guitahhhhs. john mayer. infidelities that scream. hashpipes. you know. as usual.

apparently, everything is all my fault. you know. as usual.

today i was added to a list of liars; tomorrow i visit boston college and harvard.

but right now i'll just attack emperor of ocean park.

goodnight loves.

so yale has been kocked off its pedestal, which is a good thing, because now it has a lesser way to fall if they don't want me...

went to bc and harvard today. bc was awesome. i'd never been on the campus save for a sole pc/bc hockey game back in the day. it was an absolutely gorgeous day, and the campus looked beautiful.

color by numbers
-twenty minutes from the city.
-ten T stops from fenway.
-an hour away from home (far enough away, but close enough if i ever had to come back for an emergency. which will seriously be the only reasons ill ever be coming back here.)
-ninety million dollar undergrad science center.
-thirty eight required courses over 4 years from a 3500 course selection.
-8,851 full-time undergraduates (dont ask how i remember that)
-88% acceptance rate at first choice grad (med) schools for pre med concentrators who maintain a 3.2 or higher.
-one billion dollar endowment
-range of SAT scores for middle 50 percent: 1260-1390
-multiple choice early action (= wickedfrigginawesome)

yeah. definitely doing a bit of revision as far as my list o' schools to apply to goes.

dear god. how can i forget? so, today i met my soulmate. he's a 'rising junior.' ok. he is like:: everything i wish i could be. think:: bc version of Ross 5.0

human development major (ages 0- 11) with a concentration in pre-med
minor in spanish
minor in international relations
studying abroad in protugal over the summer
took so many ap's and sat II's that he was exempt from every single core class (yes, all 10)

he was so perfect that if i was madeleine we probably would have had sex next to the superconductors and magnetic fields in the physics lab.

oh, also i went to harvard. i'm not going to apply there. that's jon's school. he would seriously put a bullet to my frontal lobe if i applied there. the scary part is i can't tell if he's kidding. (his goal for the summer is to sit under trees in the yard and look politely perplexed as he ponders an enormous textbook so that he has a chance of being in the admissions catalogue next year. dont mess.)

i did however, indulge in a t shirt. which i will wear way too often. and when people ask me about the school, i will give them the snotty harvard once-over that i witnessed today and act as though i float on a cloud of perfection and am way too good to even answer those stupid questions of mere mortal beings that do not attend harvard. i cannot wait.

actually, when the tour guide said that she's actually seen pre med students bring sleeping bags, small sustenance packages, and deoderant into one of the school's bajillion libraries, i got too scared and ran away wimpering.

wouldnt it be cool if i could temporarily borrow courtney's cloud of perfection and rise above senior year and all the applications that come along with it, never mind the 4 ap's worth of work?

can you say 'adderall'?

because i sure as hell can.

ever feel as though you are constantly onstage, wearing someone else's clothes, saying someone else's lines?

i'm just so tired. and so so so sick of it.

ryan and i went to narragansett tonight. swam in the atlantic and sat in the lifeguard chair. we had 5 blankets for just us. then thayer and risd area for kicks.

it never ceases to amaze me how we never run out of words. it's as if i just expect them to stop flowing suddenly, hands grasping voiceless larnyx, and our mouths will be silenced because we've met our previously determined quota for personal expression via voice.

i ate so many jujyfruits. the water was cold. but we went in nonetheless. the sun set and it got rather chilly. we couldn't find any art. just dumpsters. and i think we named my car miss cleo. we're doing a trial run, to see if we like it. pandora was another one we tossed out there, as well. do either of them fit my lil red camry? she's definitely a girl.

beav called him to congratulate him (and you, too, dan) on 110% so far this xc season. it's hilarious because dan 'has mono' and ryan 'couldnt possibly care less about running.' maybe 110% combined effort is more like it! :)

i haven't seen robert in a few days, i really hope everything's okay. i'm so mad at myself- i bought a burger for a man who suffered from a stroke. damnit. but i'm freshly stocked in my car now- stopped at whole foods yesterday.

dear phish, marry me. all my love, jess.

Prince Caspian
Oh, to be prince caspian afloat upon the waves
Oh, to be prince caspian afloat upon the waves
Oh, to be prince caspian afloat upon the waves
Oh, to be prince caspian,
With nothing to return to but the demons in their caves

Oh, to be prince caspian afloat upon the waves
Oh, to be prince caspian afloat upon the waves
Oh, to be prince caspian afloat upon the waves
Oh, to be prince caspian,
And the children in the fields all sowing seed and chaffing wheat
Oh, to be prince caspian with stumps instead of feet

Oh to be prince caspian
Oh to be prince caspian
Oh to be prince caspian

tonight's the night i lose my phish virginity.

just in case you were wondering...

Setlist 8/11/04
by Carini, Tweeter Center, Mansfield, MA (a.k.a. Great Woods), 7:55 PM
Set 1The Divided Sky
Suzy Greenberg ->
Down With Disease ->
Prince Caspian ->
Scent of a Mule ->
Tears of a Clown* ->
Scentof a Mule
Mexican Cousin
Set 2Run Like an Antelope ->
2001 ->
Golgi Apparatus
Waves ->
Tweezer ->
Hold Yourself High ->
Terrapin**
Hold Yourself High*** ->
Timber Ho! ->
Sample In a Jar
EncoreBouncing Around the Room
Tweezer Reprise

Notes*With special guest picked from the audience on vocals.
**Fishman on vocals and vacuum.
***Trey and Fishman drumming

i don't know how to get to the tweeter center. i know it's 95 north to something to something. and that's how i set out yesterday around 4. follow the cars with phish bumper stickers; they'll get you there.

tuesday night a friend (eli) of a friend (cooper) offered me his extra ticket, just purchased off of the love of my life- ebay! it was certainly the work of a divine being. i was meant to go to this show, obviously. me, being defenseless human that i am against fate, had no other choice but to pay the ridiculous price for the excellent seat i had been so generously offered.

and that was how i found myself at the bank yesterday after work. no, not depositing my last paycheck as i had promised myself but rather cashing it as well as making a withdrawal... oh money. how you make the world go round.

the show was positively electric. and worth every cent. hell, walking from my car in lot 4 to the entrance was worth that much. phish phans are phucking hot. i was in the minority when it came to not having dreads. i so need them. highlights include eli being trashed and having his magic hat confiscated as well as license examined by a cop on a bike that appeared out of no where as addie sarah and i slowly walked away inconspicuously. and the guy with the sign that said 'need beer, have peanut butter.' one dude asked for money to help bail out his incarcerated brother. i had to give some, i truly believe him, and if he lied, then whatever. i hope my 3 dollars goes towards acid. he looked like he needed a trip out of this world.

the people around us were all very awesome. the guy next to me had been to 64 shows. the guy in back of me at one point found it necessary to tell me about a show he went to at the orpheum while he was on acid. he went to, er, move his bowels, and seriously thought he was releasing his soul. one woman gave me 7 yarn bracelets for free. she said they'd heal me. i said thanks.

it was a great show, i don't really have anything to compare it to, though, so it could have been a shitty phish show and i wouldn't know the difference. but they played a bunch of my favorites, so that's hot. during prince caspian i had to call ryan. everyone was dancing, it was so beautiful. they had a trippy lights thing at one point. oh, and fishman played the vaccuum. innnnn a dress. that part i could have done without. it was really just kind of dumb. but it was great, because it was phish. so whatever. deal.

i went to work today, because i am poor and have a terrible spending habit.

left early, picked up rye, and we went to the hope library. why, you question? to see mrs hamilton, our 8th grade english teacher. this chick was so awesome. she's 26 (but she was only 23 when we had her, barely out of college), and has totally inspired us to do everything we have ever done, kind of. that sounds so lame, but it's true. she's one of the only reasons we managed to get through 8th grade at the, pardon my french, shitty catholic middle school we went to. she made us read ginsberg and kerouac and plath (that's why i wrote my term paper on her this year.) she taught us to write. none of that grammar stuff that the school actually wanted us to learn, but how to write- how to find something that you love and describe it and convey it in words on paper so that someone else fully understands and recognizes and feels it as well. she made us listen to rage against the machine and the grateful dead. she's the one who introduced us to phish (which was why i was eager to see her today!) with 'prince caspian.' she encouraged us to rise above middle school bs and we did.

and that has made all the difference. (sorry, she made us read frost as well.)

we stopped first to buy her flowers. we hadnt even seen her for over 3 years. we looked in the case at the florist, and picked out the exact same bouquet of red daisies. they're her favorite. so we trek all the way to hope ((4 miles from my house)) to see her. turns out, she had a baby just a couple of weeks ago. she and mickey named him caleb (a la sarah plain and tall.) she was going to name him caspian, but she met a guy named cass ('very hot, with many tattoos, i'd date him if i werent married' was how she described him) just a couple of weeks ago and it turns out he murdered his girlfriend. soooooo no caspian. but i don't care. i'm totally naming my son caspian.

but anyways. she still completely rocks, and that was my point. it was so weird seeing her 3 years later, and she hasn't changed at all. she's still loud and bubbly and hippie-esque and awesome. she was only a teacher for that one year (she gave it up after my terrible class kind of ruined it all for her) and i'm really happy that i was lucky enough to be one of her students. which is lame, yes. but true.

meeting up with mike in a little bit. we don't know what we're doing where, but hopefully we'll figure it out.

i talked for hours to your wallet photograph
and you just listened
you laughed, enchanted by my intellect.
or maybe... you didn't
=w=

not only did i lose my phish virginity, but i also stole mike's rock concert in general virginity. i feel like a whore (read: madeleine). there are just under one million mikes at my school, so for clarification, the one i mean would be none other than the mike pereira himself. yes, the only guy on the soccer team that actually can manage to pull off the diamond earring stud nicely. that one.

recovering from a recent ACL injury and subsequent surgery, mike confessed that recently his company has been that of michelle (tanner.) i rescued him, and we went out for a night on the towwwwwwn. first stop: free concert. overdosing lately on dmb, phish, john mayer, and bob dylan cd's (you know... for a change) i didn't really know who was going to be there other than the lost prophets, and if you asked me to name a tune, i doubt i'd be able to. but a bunch of people were insistent, so mike and i made an appearance. ran into a bunch of lasallians that i haven't seen in foreverrrrrrr. and also a moderately inebriated (for a change) dan who also had no idea who the band was ("the nonprofits???? ... i put the vodka cap on my lemonade oops!") mike and i were terribly out of place in our pink shirts amidst goths and emo/punk children, plus the band SUCKED, so we decided to depart. we had an excellent dinner at fire and ice (much better experience than the last time i was there and passed out), sitting (didnt want him straining the acl too much) and totally just talking it uppppp. most enjoyable. i ran into deanna! (we were both rocking harvard shirts; oh the poseur life) mike and i also made friends with some gangsters with bulletholes on the side of their car as we listened to my 'straight gangstaaaa' mix (featuring hits from biggie, tupac, j5, snoop...) as we were leaving the parking garage. good times. i owe him a cd. i'm thinking under the table and dreaming is a good one to start him with. i had burned crash but somebody tooooooook itttttttt! (not mentioning names!)

today... worked for 7 hours... then went over dan's where we vacillated between old school (30 seconds), vh1's 100 most shocking moments in rock and roll (numbers 35-25? highlights include charlie manson and the beach boys, prince changing his name to a symbol, selena slain, and keith richards and mick jagger jailed for [what else but] a drug bust), and south park: bigger, longer, and uncut. hilarious. his plans for the evening included, well, typical dan plans, so i hopped over to casa de gumbley for some quality time with patty, mal, & company. tried to decipher the olympic opening ceremonies. first time i've ever sat through longer than 20 minutes of the olympics. i was reminded of how much i hate them. what a waste of money! 1.5 billion on security alone?!!? [fuckinnnnnn... people starving and stuff.... insert long political rant that everyone would skip anyway here.] it was great to see patty and mal, we gorged ourselves (rather, i gorged myself) on taffy from block island. delish. caught up on our summers and whatnot.

but yeah. i dont know what else is up. all i know is i'm rather tired, but i've still got that reading shiznat to hit uppp.

it seems like nothing's happened until i've shared it with you.

rocked out to this tonight with andy, will, and mike.

Just What I Needed by the Cars

I don't mind you comin' here
and wastin' all my time
'cause when you're standin' oh so near
I kinda lose my mind
it's not the perfume that you wear
it's not the ribbons in your hair
I don't mind you comin' here
and wastin' all my time

I don't mind you hangin' out
and talkin' in your sleep
it doesn't matter where you've been
as long as it was deep, yeah
you always knew to wear it well and
you look so fancy I can tell
I don't mind you hangin' out
and talkin' in your sleep

I guess you're just what I needed
(just what I needed)
I needed someone to feed
I guess you're just what I needed
(just what I needed)
I needed someone to bleed

I don't mind you comin' here
and wastin' all my time time
'cause when you're standin' oh so near
I kinda lose my mind, yeah
it's not the perfume that you wear
it's not the ribbons in your hair
I don't mind you comin' here
and wastin' all my time

I guess you're just what I needed
(just what I needed)
I needed someone to feed
I guess you're just what I needed
(just what I needed)
I needed someone to bleed

I guess you're just what I needed
(just what I needed)
I needed someone to feed
I guess you're just what I needed
(just what I needed)
I needed someone to bleed
yeah, yeah, so bleed me

you're just what I needed
you're just what I needed
yeah, you're just what I needed
yeah, yeah yeah

i am, officially, a band geek. this has been confirmed. i know more people at berklee than anywhere else. went to celebrate john's imminent departure for school yesterday. innnn pascoag. i had never been there before. it's far. (my god, i sound like such a rhode islander. i take that comment back, i'm sorry. i made it there in less than 30 minutes.)

had an excellent time hanging out with john, will, andy (rest in peace, blue midnight special), mike, ben, drew, dan, chris d., and nick. allie (john's girlfriend; will's sister [wow, isnt that just asking for trouble right there?!?!?!]) and her friend laura were around for awhile, but left while i went with andy and will to get mike. we enjoyed hearing all about the interesting characters at berklee that ben and will know- like steve (will's dumbass roommate with disgustingly long, stringy hair who once, when drunk, fell down a flight of concrete stairs and also out of a tree within 5 minutes of one another; additionally, he disappears for days at a time) and reeber (or however it's spelled-- ben's roommate who invented a new form of time- clock and everything- in decimal form.) once the party festivities were complete, we drove around for awhile. played at a playground. (with awesome swings!) engaged in typical hoodlum behavior, you know how we do.

today i woke up at 7 and allowed the rain to lull me to sleep. it was so relaxing. five hours later i decided to crawl out of bed and hit the mall with patty. did a little shopping.

now i'm home and have too much summer reading to do in too short of a time frame. and also i think i have pinkeye.

i can't wait to figure out what's wrong with me
so i can say this is the way i used to be

4 am by Our Lady Peace (thanks a.d.)
Walked around my good intentions
And found that there were none
I blame my father for the wasted years
we hardly talked
i never thought i would forget this place
then a phone call made me realise i'm wrong

And if i don't make it, know that
i loved you all along
just like sunny days we ignore because
we're all dumb and jaded
and i hope to God i figure out whats wrong

walked around my room not thinking
just sinking in this box
i blame myself for being too much like
somebody else
i never thought i would just bend this way
then a phone call made me realise i'm wrong

and if i don't make it, know that
i've loved you all along
just like sunny days we ignore because
We're all dumb and jaded
And i hope to God i figure out whats wrong

take me and break me and make me strong like you

when it's over, there are still questions. questions that will not be answered, questions that will not even be asked. answers that would rather go unsaid, unheard. there is also the wondering. and the "what if"'s.

it's like this every time. loser, winner, doesn't matter.

should i, shouldn't i?

all i know is next time it will be different. next time i will not give up so easily. next time i'll be better prepared, i won't quit when it gets too serious, i won't nag when the paranoia sets in, i won't expect too much if you don't. i'll ride the waves, go with the flow. i won't try too hard. i'll be realistic. i'll be what you want me to be, what you need me to be. i'll trust you; you trust me. i won't hold you down. please just hold me. i don't want all the same likes or dislikes; disagree with me. pick me up when i fall, and ill roll you over when you're passed out. tell me what's on your mind. help me to admit when i'm wrong. help me to see the bright side. help me let go. help me. remind me that as long as i've got you, i'm not alone or lost. i promise to give you backrubs, and we can talk about random shit. make me feel alive. don't let me disappear into the shadows. don't try to prove yourself to me. show me how you take chances; teach me to take risks. let me be the one you need. smile. i love it when you smile.

promise to not let me quit. remind me i can't quit.

i know what i want, but i don't want it right now. because i don't want to fuck it up, as i have the tendency to do quite often. i'm still working on a lot of things about myself. next time (whenever that is; i'm not in any hurry) i know i'll get it right. the odds are in my favor. they've got to be.

&eventually, we'll get it right.

he really was just way too hot for his own good. that is, until he got way too fat for his own good.

"Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself-and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to-letting a person be what he really is."
-Jim Morrison

i'm so NOT listening to ashlee simpson right now.

dudes, let's face it. summer's over.

tomorrow marks tryouts for fall season sports. you will not be seeing me at chicks volleyball.

i dont like to think of it as quitting because i can't honestly say i ever even felt a kind of loyalty to the sport that most athletes do. sure, i enjoyed it (occasionally) and there's always that whole team-as-a-family aspect. i'm going to miss that. it's going to suck to watch my friends on senior night from the bleachers, knowing that that could have been me, too. three years of 'HARD WORK!'s, wall jumps, 100's, laps, dumbass drills, and verbal abuse, all for what?

i'm not bitter, i'm just being honest with myself. i went out a whim freshman year and made it with a nice smile and some (okay, a lot) help from then-senior ellen, my debate pal. i'm not unathletic by any means. the whole reason i tried out was just to keep myself in shape. also, i don't like things i'm not the best at, it's the aries in me. i'd rather run 10 solo miles than 1 lap around the fieldhouse. i won't miss the pettiness, the talking behind the backs, the inside jokes ("cricket!" wtf), the stolen stuff from the locker rooms (ahhaha "dude, i can see the reebok symbol. those are totally MYYYYYY spandex!" ---stacie lee amber clark during butterfly stretch).

i'm going to miss the team, though. scorp, shan, katie, jennan, rach, ash, emmy, stacie. and liz will make it this year- she's trying out tomorrow too. eight seniors to buy gifts for would have been too much, anyways, especially for emmy and stacie. =Þ i guess i'm 'taking one for the team.'

it essentially comes down to how i want to start my senior year. wickedfriggenamazingly stressed out, or just plain ol' stressed out? most people are taking good classes- photography, film study, criminal law, civil law, leadership class, multiple free periods. i've got 4 ap's and an SAT score to work on. i don't want to be doing homework at 3, 4 o clock in the morning again, be it because i can't sleep or because ive taken 4 tablespoons of benadryl or nyquil, but i have to get up early to finish everything. no, thank you, i'm all set. last year i only took 3 ap's and those have left me with enough scars. literally and figuratively.

it's no secret i never planned to play volleyball in college, but i do know i'll play studying in college, and that's kind of a lot more important to me.

and there's always pep band senior night, which i inifinitely many more times would sacrifice volleyball for :)

skipped work yesterday- 32 hours this week was more than enough. slept in until around 10. andy came over for breakfast, then we picked up mike and headed to the beach where we met john and his girlfriend allie. it was the first time i was able to go to the beach in way too long it seemed (6 days?) totally just slept and soaked up some much needed sun. most enjoyable. went to applebees and told them it was andy's birthday. got free cake. life is good.

showered and headed for casa de gumbley. made popcorn and settled in for some jude law. chillaxed con patty and mike. good times.

today ryan comes home from running camp. i have missed him so so much. it's as if i've lost half of myself for the past 10 days!

almost done with sumemr reading- one more to go. i think ill work 16 hours this week and take off wed, thurs, and fri. maybe i'll write essays. or maybe i'll beach it. we'll see how i feel.

i'm tired, and i've only been up 2 hours. that's pathetic.

I heard all the cool kids are taking the following schedule. Comment if you're cool, too.

A- AP English (White)
B- AP Music Theory (Broulliard)
C- Gym / Free
D- AP Calculus (McNamara)
E- Service/ Peer Ministry
F- Physics (Kaiser)
G- AP Spanish (Castro)

Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell (she's amazing)

Rows and flows of angel hair
And ice cream castles in the air
And feather canyons everywhere
I’ve looked at clouds that way

But now they only block the sun
They rain and snow on everyone
So many things I would have done
But clouds got in my way

I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s cloud illusions I recall
I really don’t know clouds at all

Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As every fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud
To say I love you right out loud
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds
I’ve looked at life that way

But now old friends are acting strange
They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed
Well something’s lost, but something’s gained
In living every day

I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From win and lose and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all
I’ve looked at life from both sides now
From up and down, and still somehow
It’s life’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know life at all

5 down, 1 to go. only bonfire of the vanities left, and if the online "research" is any proper indication, i may actually enjoy this one. go figure. i'm really stoked about having mr. white though. he seems nice. two degrees from oxford. impressive.

last night ryan and i hit thayer street. starbucks-ed it uppp and then went to the avon for some delightful and much needed zach braff (of scrubs fame!) humor in garden state. i knew as soon as it started i'd love it- opening credits were set to don't panic by coldplay. i think i mostly liked the movie due to its lithium content. i really can't enough of movies in which the main characters are so fucked up it makes me feel really good about my life. requiem for a dream is another one of my favorites. ("Purple in the morning, blue in the afternoon, and orange in the evening. Just like that, one, two, three, four.")

today i ventured across the bay to colt state park for a HOBY picnic. it was great. for a bunch of recognized community leaders, it was poorly planned. i take the blame, what can i say. first of all, none of us brought tape for the signs. second of all... we used one sign. third of all... well, you get the picture. but it ended up being a great success. it was totally awesome to see everyone again, and it looks as though we're going to have a strong alumni base. everyone's so enthusiastic, i really hope we're able to keep it up seeing as how we're in debt over this past seminar at brown still and desperately need to appropriate funds and commence planning for next year's. ed came in from massachusetts, and craig graced us with his presence as well. the lovely ms. biszko and i were the first to arrive, and then a small stream of former sophomores trickled in one by one. we chowed down on cookies and brownies and heard tales of HOBY hookups and the world leadership conference, and wrapped up the picnic with a rousing game of frisbee (except, with 7 frisbees. and too many cars!) i missed deanna, though! that lucky chick is off to italy for 2 semesters as of tomorrow! (many hoby hugs and much hoby love for deanna!)

apparently i'm working tomorrow (for lack of a better thing to do because let's be honest- i'm don't plan on handing those essays in until after labor day.) i shall venture to my school at 530 to join my lovely constituents for a tour of the new shea science center. it sounds awesome from what i've heard. stoked. then the national honor society has a meeting following the tour to plan for the freshman orientation and whatnot.

today was just the perfect day. not too hot, not too cold, no clouds, lots of sun. these hibiscus looked so pretty that i would not let them escape my lens. they brightened mine, maybe they'll do the same for you :)

monday... science center tour. oh, science, how you remain the one, true love of my life. (and yes i'm aware my life is pathetic. i'm getting over it, and so should you.) new caf as well. personal chef = hot. jon and i wanted to test out the emergency shower station in the chem lab, you know, break it in a little.

it was great to see everyone... as we froze our asses off in the very air conditioned lecture room. there's also a unisex bathroom, i'm not sure who's brilliant idea that was. nice work, school. big brother/ big sister shindig looks like a great way to add some volunteer hours to the resume. afterwards liz jon and i went to the mall for some foodage/ ice cream -age. lots of laughs over a plate of chinese noodles that we all picked at with our fingers (it should be noted i washed my hands because i'm so ocd.) so excellent to see jonathon who delighted us with tales from harvard about psychology, booze, and sex.

last night i returned once again to the frigid lecture room for a leadership thingy with student government and assorted seniors. was bored to death for approximately two hours because after HOBY all other leadersip speakers simply pale in comparison.

ryan called just as the whole shindig was commencing to inform me that he ran a red light on the way to practice and got a $75 ticket. tsk tsk... first getting kicked out of xc camp, now a hike in his insurance... pray tell, what is next?? he and i hung out last night. (i drove hah!) i was starving (i foolishly assumed my school would provide food as they simultaneously put me to sleep) so we grabbed calzones and drove for a bit. i read and edited one-third of his paper.

it wicked sucks, but summer's over. today it was 55 degrees at 6:52. i put the heat on in my car.

i miss madeleine. she's in cali. i wish i was there. alas... christmas is 4 months away from today. and hopefully i'll be spending it there. cross your fingers, i wicked need something to look forward to.

dave matthews band tour bus dumps sewage off bridge onto tourists

in my best afroman imitation (which is not very much of a best at all!) ... because they got high?

library-ed it up today to finally work on that summer reading shiznat. yeah, it didn't really work out between the two of us and i suggested we take a break. went over nick's to admire his guitar skillzzz and motivate myself to start practicing more often. then freshmeat-- er-- freshman cookout. not as bad as expected. took them on a tour, got 3 free diet cokes. clap clap! got to see the current love of my lifeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..... jon. (madeleine's in california, remember?)

my car is disgusting. i realized this today. i've been in denial. whenever the front seat gets messy, i just toss stuff in the back. today jarred and teej had to sit back there and were apalled. so i cleaned it out. dried pineapple rings (still good!), tissues, j. crew bags (hahahhahahahahah), sparknotes galore, borders receipts, sweetnlow packs (i store them up like a bear going into hibernation, dont ask, i dont know why), empty half liter bottles of diet coke, approximately 3894718974 pens (all blue, of course), my missing clapton and fleetwood mac CD's, 4 necklaces and 1 pair of earrings, hair elastics, nutella, pep band sheet music, hoby shirt, license to FUNK! (how did i not know that was even missing!!!!!!!)

went over patty's tonight with jon mal shan teej jarred and mikeyyyyy (my NOF- that is, Number One Freshman-- patty's lil brother.) ate a really rather unhealthy amount of skittles. god they are so good. i could live forever on skittles and diet coke. life would be a.m.a.z.i.n.g. such a fun evening! i heard for the 81748571875th time jon's harvard almost-expulsion and loved it just as much as the first. watched my sox (can i get a fuck yeah?) tried desperately to escape from tj; told him i'd find him a nice blind girl. reminisced about vibrators with jon as shannon called her own cell phone. now i'm home, and i'm coming down off my [sugar-and-aspartame] high.

i forgot to mention- how much do you think i could pawn a school academy class of 2004 men's 24 karat gold ring? ryan bets at least $350-$400.*

beach picnic with ross tomorrow night; he leaves for yale on sunday. isn't it pretty to think that in one year that could be me, too? leaving for yale, that is. less than 4 months and i could potentially know where i'm going. that's insane.

it's also insane that school starts in less than one week and i have successfully completed zero essays. jon is selling my body for adderall.

had to turn up the radio when this song came on today on the way to the ol' academy. i'm almost positive that this song contains one of my most favoritest lyrics ever: "and every time i scratch my nails on someone else's back i hope you feel it/ well can you feel it?" thought of mike lonardo, who recently informed me that it was written about dave coulier, more commonly known as uncle joey of full house!!!

You Oughta Know by Alanis Morrisette
I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, till you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn't able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me
Until you died, til you died
But you're still alive

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back
I hope you feel it...well can you feel it

And I'm here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

*just kidding, but really- wtf am i supposed to do with it!?!?!?!?!?!?*

ups delivery man: i have a delivery for jess. ::inquisitive look::
me: that's me. ::reassuring smile::
ups delivery man: okay, that will be $128.77. ::serious face::
me: ummmmm i havent ordered anything. ::raised eyebrow::
ups delivery man: yes, you have. ::demanding::
me: no, i haven't. ::indignant::
ups delivery man: from mare? ::with a sigh that says blondes are dumb::
me: oh. okay. they said to expect a package in september... ::okay, i'm dumb::
ups delivery man: then you admit you ordered them. ::triumphant grin::
me: sure. you win. ::pissed off::
ups delivery man: it's cod. ::matter of factly::
me: i didn't order cod. i ordered senior pictures. ::ha! you were wrong to begin!::
ups delivery man: C-O-D. cash on delivery? ::god, you're a stupid blonde::
me: oh. ::fumbles for wallet, pulls out the cash::
ups delivery man: we don't take cash, only checks.
me: i don't have a checkbook on me... hey... why doesn't the c stand for check? ::hahahaha! i win!!!!::
ups delivery man: i'll see you on monday. ::in an unnecessary terminator voice::
me: mmmm okay. bye! ::cheerily::

the score:
jess: 1
ups delivery man: 0

so, in concordance with my vow to avoid all things school, i have stopped opening any mail from them since receiving my schedule. my mother, however, has not. she decided to inform me today- about 10 days after receiving the letter- that i have to order my books online. fucking a. now it's a hassle because they've sold out of my music theory book AND we have to pay shipping. grrr school. how i loathe you.

in other, much more pleasant news, i have written two essays. two out of 5 ain't bad. and they only took a little over an hour each once everything was said and done. so worst comes to worst i'll be up wicked late on labor day so as to hand them in on time a week from this tuesday. because white can just forget about me handing them in this friday. psssh!

last night ross and i had a most delightful picnic at naragansett beach. peanut butter and nutella on whole grain- you just can't go wrong. we had all intentions to go swimming- really!- but then they kicked us out around 9. we had talked for close to 3 full hours and not even realized it. the moon looked awesome- all shadowy and hidden by the clouds... we ended up parking a little farther down and then just sitting on the wall overlooking the water's edge until about 11ish. it's funny because i used to have the biggest thing for ross freshman year (when he was a senior... god seniors were so awesome... holy shit... i'm... i'm a senior! ok, sorry, thats just a super realization), but now i am more in love with the idea that i can just sit and carry a conversation with him as a friend. he's a great guy, and i feel really lucky to just know him. obi would be proud of me- we talked about wicked smaht stuff- the odyssey and the iliad (thanks to ross' summary i probably wont even have to read them when white assigns them this year!) oh, those english majors.

off in a bit with andy to john's last concert with stefan couture for awhile, then i believe we are hitting up the last waterfire of the season.

tomorrow it's off to tanglewood and the berkshires with my marvelous family. wish me luck.

p.s.- i'm not sure if i mentioned seeing eli the other day. he filled me in on his coventry expedition- some great pictures with his bike and his backpack, a couple of long arm shots while high as a kite. he was kind enough to give me an awesome phish photo- uberclose to the stage. hell yeah!

when did i become so ridiculously cynical and bitchy? sometimes i honestly can't stand myself.

yesterday/today were just so excellent that i dont even care that school starts in less than 3 days. 3 essays is hot enough. fuhgeddabout the other 3.

saw john's last concert with stefan couture last night with andy, mike, will, ash, and allie. then we went to waterfire. got an extended curfew because my parents think andy is the best thing since sliced bread. met katie's rather attractive cousin. today john left for berklee, and will leaves on wednesday. ash starts classes tomorrow at ric. mike, allie, and i head back on wednesday. as if i haven't already mentioned that enough...

today we were supposed to go to see the bso at tanglewood in the berkshires. apparently it was supposed to rain there, so we opted not to, which was fine by me. i think that's why i'm in such a good mood. i was so mentally prepared to have a family day that when i was informed i was liberated, elation ensued. ryan was called, and a trip a la playa was planned. we met up with bucci, ant, and tori at naragansett. it was such a perfect beach day. everyone else in the tri state area concurred, thus taking up all the spots in the lot. but HAVE NO FEAR! i parallel parked for the first time ever today! and it was wicked sweet, if i may say so myself (just ask rye!) we had such a fabulous time- we totally got in without paying!!! bitchin'!!!! mike rather poorly attempted the nestea challenge- drinking a whole 12 pack. he failed miserably. it's funnny because he could definitely chug back 12 beers, no sweat. hmmmm... pansy. tori and rye built a lovely rock house with a thatched roof, moat, welcome mat, and flag. i kicked ryan's ass in a burping contest. we discovered that gummy food (like peach rings) melt incredibly fast, but are even yummier and stretchier thereafter.

after we departed, i unparallel parked like it was nobody's business and we headed off to the umbrella factory. total hippie haven. 6 or 7 different buildings, all selling assorted stuff you really can't find anywhere else. think: incense, bob marley, long skirts, dreadlocks, bongos, bongs, clay jewelry, wildflowers, and farm animals. we walked around the place for about an hour. i got new earrings and rye got these funky african statues that i can't even begin to describe.

we drove home with dave live from central park on the player. bliss.

oh! i heard an unbelievably awesome new song by the streets last week. chris martin (of <3coldplay<3) produced it. apparently, when they were recording, chris helped out during the chorus, but on the CD the streets have some other guy because chris didn't like the way it came out (?) well i heard the chris version and like i said... it's amazing. i highly recommending getting your hands on it somehow because it was totally one of those songs where i just completely dropped what i was doing, sat down, and listened. it's called dry your eyes.

i! really! shouldnt! drink! this! much! coffee! but! my! mom! said! she! wont! let! me! stay! home! from! school! on! thursday! so! i! have! to! pull! an! all! nighter! or! two! until! those! essays! are! completed!

wow! blood pulsing through my veins at this rate feels trippy! i can feel it in back of my eyeballs! ***hands shaking*** someone pass me the splenda!

oh, adderall! where art thou!

senior year- try and stop me now!!

::dies::

so freshman are weird. the end. love jess.

helping out at their orientation today was... terrible. good to see everyone, of course. i was in 301 with fellow seenyaz lauren, alex, katie, and sarah. the teacher was new, and also slightly resembled a drill sargent. she got mad at the freshmenssss! as if it's their fault they no absolutely nothing about the school! i almost felt bad. *almost*

afterwards it was off for some chillage in haj's chem lab in the science center with jarred and pat. we spent a lot of time playing with the expensive new toys. like the calibrated board, the laptops, and the shiny bunsen burners. he told us about the active uranium, liquid tnt, and red phosphorus they found while cleaning out the old lab, as well as all the highly reactive stuff they discovered clogging the drains of the sinks (literally all 20 sinks in the old lab were clogged, it was disgusting. the stagnant water used to actually smell.) the uranium thing was scary, because brother james had hidden it, apparently... and... well... he died of cancer, oh... last year.

yep. that's my school.

my mom is away all week. she's going to miss my last first day of school. she felt so bad about this she left me enough money to fill up my gas tank... twice. i almost feel guilty. *almost*

i need to be more outrageous, i think.