smileyjess

"We strongly believe that a vote for the current administration is worse than no vote at all."

Partisan Project

two awesome parts of orientation:
1. w granting an extension on the essays until tuesday.
2. t telling jon to stop loitering in the halls. jon graciously apologizing, walking into the stairway and loudly proclaiming: "doesn't she know who i am?!?!?! doesn't she know my class rank?!?!?!"

other not so awesome parts of orientation:
well, i dont have that much time to bitch and complain right now. sorry.

and thus, it officially begins. senior year. the pinnacle of high school. the hallways were positively brimming with excitement and anticipation.

or maybe it was more like anxiety and dread. sometimes i get them confused. my bad.

i don't want to go back at all. not because i hate my school or anything--- i'm simply afraid to go back. i don't want to have a repeat of junior year by any means. i entered the grounds today with the thought "well, it's not as though it can really get any worse." not very comforting, i must admit.

today, sitting in the theatre, attempting to make my eyes focus on the podium instead of rapidly taking in the faces of my contemporaries, i realized that, in the course of the summer, i kind of forgot how debilitating attending school is to my self esteem.

and now, if you'll excuse me, i rented bonfire of the vanities for this evening.

"So I'm going to study all week, and have no personality, and talk to no one, and be addicted to adderall. Then, on the weekends, I will be drunk. And so will be my senior year.... study, study, study, drugs, alcohol, sex. It's like lather, rinse, repeat... but with semen and liquor." (JW)

i forgot to mention... a funny thing happened on my way to pick up bonfire today at hollywood video.

we had rented a few other movies over the weekend, so i, being the wonderful ::cough cough:: daughter that i am, remembered to return those today. to hollywood video.

turns out... they were from blockbuster. all three of them.

i returned home to a pleasant message from the kind people at h.v. informing me that i had generously given them three new movies for the stock, however, if i did not pick them up soon, blockbuster was going to charge me for late or unreturned fees.

yes. upon receiving the movies, they called blockbuster, who in turn narrowed down their renters until they finally got our number, gave it to h.v., who called me to tell me i'm a fuck up.

it was one of the hardest things i think i've ever had to do- walk into h.v. one hour half hour after i had walked out, and shamefully admit that yes, i was the dumb blonde in the tie dye grateful dead shirt and aviators who had erroneously returned the films. i could hear the snickers upon my departure.

jesus, that's just what 2 hours of school has already done to me.

so, a school administrator has found my website. that's always cool.
::waves feebly:: hi... welcome to my world.

the first day... was incredibly long. i wont go in depth, but let's just say i'm so completely lost in music theory already. in fact, i understood more words in my spanish only, junior year of college level ap spanish class than i did in plain old english ap music theory. that can't be a good sign. there's no way i'm dropping it though because then i'd have to take another ap - a real one- like bio or government or human geography. {{shiver}} no, no... i think i'll just have to depend on will and sarah to get me through it. the good part was that b was like (direct quote) "sometimes i forget to give tests and then when i go to calculate grades at the end of the quarter, there are none." sounds good to me!!

because of my service class i have to miss a ridiculous amount of school. now, i know most people love service class for this reason, but i really can't afford to miss any classes so i'm going to have to talk to the guidance counselor about switching to the next semester. i will never understand the logic behind mandatory volunteerism. *sigh*

i wanted to cry in ap calculus when m was talking about his wife dying. it was heartbreaking.

last night we all partied it uppppp. (it's senior year, and we've decided that the weekends from henceforth shall commence on thursday) i finally got to meet adam, the man (he's 21... you dont understand how happy this makes madeleine.... and me, for that matter) who has successfully managed to tie madeleine down for about a month now!! that's definitely a record. i still cant believe she's monogamus. ::shakes head:: hooray for adam. he's hot, and he's a huge red sox fan. we were the guys that always have to put the game on at a party. good times, lots of laughs. "i'll call you back later, my hippie friend jess is making me pizza." jon put on my aviators and proceeded to greet everyone with an overzealous, yet remarkably on key "hey beautiful!!!!!!!!" the first time i got to see shan and tom together sooooo cuuuuuuute i'm lovin it. (i told him about how she calls her own cell phone when it's on vibrate. huh, looks like i just told you, too! oops!) ummm

so yeah. later skater(s)

Bathwater [No Doubt]

You and your museum of lovers
The precious collection you've housed in your covers
My simpleness threatened by my own admission

And the bags are much to heavy
In my insecure condition
My pregnant mind is fretful with envy again

But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
I cant help it..you're my kind of man

Wanted and adored by attractive women
Bountiful selection at your discretion
I know I'm diving into my own destruction

So why do we choose the boys that are naughty?
I don't fit in so why do you want me?
And I know I can't tame you...but I just keep trying

'Cause I love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
On your list with all your other women
But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
You make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it.. your my kind of my man

And so I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles
Diligently doubtful through all kinds of troubles
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

'Cause I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
Share a toothbrush...you're my kind of man
I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it.. you're my kind of man

No I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I still love to wash in your old bathwater

i don't feel too well today, but that gives me the perfect exuse to just sit around and be super lazy. i haven't been to church in over a month (the last time i went the homily kind of upset me, to say the least.) my dad woke me up this morning at 830 to go and i was going to, just to please him, but i stood up and essentially collapsed. back to bed until around 1. tried to have some orange juice and lemon sorbet... and well... i don't want to get too graphic with you...

ever hear of dark and stormies? possibly why i'm not feeling well this morning.

moses brown parties = mucho divertido.

actually, i'm worried it's mono. how much would that absolutely suck? it's probably just allergies though. i'm just looking for excuses to miss school.

yesterday my mom looked at me and saw what i see everyday in the mirror. and promptly announced that i need new makeup. and shoes.

it's a good thing i wear a uniform, otherwise i would have been subjected to trying on numerous outfits as well.

first stop, shoes. suede. i'm the biggest hypocrite ever, and i'm aware of that. (i'm just one big contradiction. i'm sorry, little cows.) these came in red (carmelian, actually), and i coveted them. i introduced my mom to j crew and now i think they are going to be best friends, too. i dropped some big hints about the cashmere sweaters i wanted. then the clinique counter in nordstrom. first eyes. all about eyes, daily eye benefits, quickliner (in shy brown), eye shadow (in sugar sugar and sunkissed). blush- touch of bronze. she wanted me to get lipstick, but i adamantly stood by the tangerine, lime, and grape lipsmackers that scorp's mom (what what) bought for me last volleyball season. i felt bad about my mom spending money on this stuff when i wont even use it because makeup requires way too much time in the morning. i really should care more, i know-- maybe i'll use the eye stuff because they really do get way too puffy after 3 hours of sleep and 21 hours of school... then we went to garden city and i treated myself to a juicy couture shirt and another pair of suede shoes (sue me.) theyre fuschia with sequins. totally me.

finally got my school shopping done as well. at least, notebooks and whatnot. i still don't have all of my books because of that stupid online ordering thing. i dont know why they ever decided it would be more convenient to do it this way this year.

i can't find any gym clothes. this will be the 3rd year in a row i've needed to get new ones. ::pats self on back:: anyone not in gym period c want to do it the communist way and share?

i just finished my ap calc homework. it was all review stuff, and took me a ridiculously long time. way longer than it should have. i'm so exhausted now.

it's so cold out today.

the fact that september's 832 page edition of vogue, about half of that is advertisements with the same 10 models

or

the fact that i can name at least eight of them.

i'm afraid to go to school tomorrow. what if i have an attack of utter panic?

i need something to look forward to; the days are so short and the air is too breezy and the sun doesn't shine as brightly and the leaves are changing already.

my hands are turning blue.

i feel like curling up in my comfiest chair with a good book and some spiced chair in a big ol' mug, a la central perk style.

lost cause by beck

Your sorry eyes, they cut through bone.
They make it hard to leave you alone.
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new.

Baby I’m a lost
Baby I’m a lost
Baby I’m a lost cause.

There’s too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go.
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy, but nobody cares.

Baby I’m a lost
Baby I’m a lost
Baby I’m a lost cause.
I’m tired of fighting
I’m tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

There’s a place where you are going
You ain’t never been before
There’s no one laughing at your back now
No one standing at your door
Is that what you thought love was for?

Baby I’m a lost
Baby I’m a lost
Baby I’m a lost cause
I’m tired of fighting
I’m tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause.

i loved this song before i even knew that it even had the love of my life (juuuuuude!!) in its title. it also has my name in it. fate, anyone?



this whole cd (your favorite weapon) is just amazing. perfect for just putting on repeat.

jude law and a semester abroad by brand new

Whatever poisons in this bottle
will leave me broken, sore and stiff
But it's the genie at the bottom who I'm sucking at,
he owes me one last wish
So here's a present to let you know I still exist
I hope the next boy that you kiss has something terribly contagious on his lips

But I got a plan (I got a plan)
To drink for forty days and forty nights
A sip for every second-hand tick
And every time you fed the line,
“you mean so much to me”
I'm without you

Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say
Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say

And even if her plane crashes tonight
she'll find some way to disappoint me,
by not burning in the wreckage,
or drowning at the bottom of the sea
Jess, I still taste you, and thus reserve my right to hate you
And all this empty space that you create
does nothing for my flawless sense of style
It's 8:45 (it's 8:45), the weather is getting better by the hour (rains all the time)
I hope it rains there all the time
And if you ever said you miss me then don't say you never lied
I'm without you

Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say
Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say,
who would do anything you say

Never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it [15x]

Okay no more songs about you. After this one I am done.

You're gone.[repeat untill end]

Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say
Tell all the English boys you meet
about the American boy back in the states
The American boy you used to date
who would do anything you say

i haven't felt as good as i do right now in awhile, and i think it can be solely attributed to the fact that i've taken four 12-hour claritin today.

you do the math.

some thoughts from a brain working overtime.

this summer was arguably the best of my life. i ran out of fingers and toes upon which to count my beach expeditions. in fact, i have my own private beach in the trunk of my car. i'll clean it out eventually. (my pep band shirt is still in there from the last pep band game in march. yeahhhhhhhh.) i had and continue to have a job that i actually don't mind going to. i made and continue to make money to support my heroin habit bank account. i played in the rain and played gangster rap on galilee escape. i saw dave. twice. i saw phish. i did my summer reading (okay, except bonfire.) i went to hoby and made friends for a lifetime. i met johnny depp's twin, i swear to god. i wrote to the kind people at collegeboard and they gave me an 800. in exchange i shrugged off a 2 on the ap chem exam. i saw ross and was able to clear up some gray areas regarding... stuff. i partied, which es mas importante. i made new friends that i didnt even know went to my school. i went to florida. i had a $12 pina colada and enjoyed every drop (among others). i somehow managed to forget about school. i saw yale. i saw bc. i saw harvard. i was confrontational without regret. i got 2 new gold rings for absolutely free, but one i returned. i realized that i'm 17 and it's okay for me to not give a shit where shit does not deserve to be given. i brushed my shoulders off. i fell in love with j. crew. i grew closer to a friend when she was 3,000 miles away, and another when he was 60 miles away. i missed ryan more than i thought i could ever miss anyone ever. i licked my knife and said it was good. i saw a blue moon and said it was good. i entered and i exited a relationship faster than you can bat your eyelashes. i got hurt. i hurt. i got over it. fast. i regretted. i moved on. (or maybe it's better to say i regressed?) i pumped my first tank of gas by myself and survived. i practiced my math by sox stats. i grew.

you live.
you learn.

i can honestly say that i did both. and i am happy for that.

i feel compelled to say thanks.

sometimes i worry i'm developing severe paranoia. i'm paranoid about being paranoid. conversely, i bet really paranoid people dont even consider the fact that they may be paranoid. so by that standard, i'm not paranoid. but since i just considered myself not...

someone feel free to interrupt me anytime here.

so i forgot how incredibly wonderful short wednesdays are. there is nothing like that feeling at the end of your first period class when you realize it was actually 10 minutes shorter than you expected it to be. and then, because you're a blond, it happens repeatedly for at least the next three classes.

i get tomorrow off for retreat. most people would love this; i, am loathing it for two reasons. one- i am missing important stuff in my classes and two it is retreat (aka waste of my time.) they make us do lame icebreakers then feel the need to explain the reasoning behind them as if we are 5 or 6. usually i'm too preoccupied with worrying about how stupid i look because i've never really been the type of chick who goes out and buys couture specifically because it's one of ten or so days we receive permission to not wear the uniform. it's outside and i heard thunderstorms are in store for tomorrow.

school doesnt even feel like school at all. 3 full days down and nothing's looking too dim yet. my insomnia has returned, but it's all good. now i can stay up late watching the sox beat the pants off of oakland, practice guitarra, or read entire novels that have yet to be officially assigned for english (for those of you with W. for ap, i very much enjoyed the tortilla curtain, by the way.) and besides, i always thought my swollen eye guess-how-many-hours-of-sleep-i-didnt-get-last-night-you-silly-fool-whose-body-actually-needs-sleep really worked for me. {/sarcasm}

this morning i woke up at 430a to the raindrops dancing on my window. curled up in my usual contorted fetal position i was entranced and felt as though i was the only one who knew a special secret.

on the way to school i saw a car that had hydroplaned.

i think i need to start driving a lot slower.

thurs: boring retreat, and feeling shitty about guitar skills or lack thereof, and soccer game, and dan

fri: almost got in a car accident because i had major ESP/de ja vu going on and beatles anthology (which i really would love to own) in the sci center on the wide screen projector in haj's chem lab and work for tres horas and fire and ice with rye, peeing in the westin, jazzercise cults & sinfully ugly lime green t shirts, and vanilla almond tea.

sat: work for cinco horas, nick's casa para aprender monkeywrench and go over canciones nuevas como interstate highway lovesong (stp) and politician (cream), among others. led zep cd (best of, vol uno). fell asleep from 630 to 930. too tired to make the effort to locate my cell phone, opting instead to return to sleep only to wake up again now.

"ladies and gentlemen... the beatles..."

Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
There's nothing you can do that can't be done.
Nothing you can sing that can't be sung.
Nothing you can say but you can learn how to play the game
It's easy.
There's nothing you can make that can't be made.
No one you can save that can't be saved.
Nothing you can do but you can learn how to be in time
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
Love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love, love.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy.
All you need is love, all you need is love,
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.
All you need is love (all together now)
All you need is love (everybody)
All you need is love, love, love is all you need.

i've only been up 10 hours so far today.

and it feels so wonderful.

i think i'm going back to sleep right now. nighters.

The Rain Song by Led Zeppelin
This is the springtime of my loving - the second season I am to know
You are the sunlight in my growing - so little warmth I've felt before.
It isn't hard to feel me glowing - I watched the fire that grew so low.

It is the summer of my smiles - flee from me Keepers of the Gloom.
Speak to me only with your eyes. It is to you I give this tune.
Ain't so hard to recognize - These things are clear to all from
time to time.

Talk Talk - I've felt the coldness of my winter
I never thought it would ever go. I cursed the gloom that set upon us...
But I know that I love you so

These are the seasons of emotion and like the winds they rise and fall
This is the wonder of devotion - I see the torch we all must hold.
This is the mystery of the quotient - Upon us all a little rain must fall.

tonight no one else was home and i couldn't bear to listen to silence so i got lost in borders and read a music theory book for an hour and a half as i sipped pumpkin spice chai.

my cousin called me today. i want to go to california so badly it is literally making me sick.

i desperately want something to look forward to.

patty said i should put this up here. and because i seem to be lacking anything else worthy of typing, here it is.

and, yes, i really am handing this in to R. tomorrow.

Jess
Christian Service Period E
Journal #1

I hate, loathe, abhor, positively detest missing school. Often I will attend even when struck with the most debilitating of viruses or bacterial infections. There have been numerous occasions when my mother has requested that I stay home and focus on regaining my health (read: sleep), only to watch me slowly haul myself out of bed, drag a brush through my hair, refuse to even entertain the idea of eating, and slightly slump out the front door, shoulders hunched under the weight of my time-tested, heavy-duty, L.L. Bean backpack. Yes- I am that student- the one whose biggest fear of Christian Service is the missed class time. It won’t be easy to keep up with missing three hours per week of a course load too heavily laden with AP’s in addition to an assortment of extracurriculars that I already cannot handle less than two weeks into the academic year. I’ve thought about trying to switch out- wait until next semester, maybe… after I have completed the grueling college applications process… but it’s too late now; I’m just going to have to suck it up and lend a hand to some sixth graders struggling with math.
Don’t get me wrong- it’s not that I’m a coldhearted bitch; I like to think of myself more as a manic, grade conscious student who has already completed a good number of volunteer hours. I’m just a little afraid that my grades will drop because I’ll be missing 10% of my schoolwork, and that statistic daunts me. I can’t fall behind because then it’s just that much harder to cross the finish line that I’ve been working towards for the past three years.
But you probably don’t want a paper from an obsessive-compulsive scholar whose college apps, if truth be told, could use a few more community service hours. And if those hours are to be added, what better way to than by helping to tutor sixth graders? It was my first choice, so I shouldn’t complain. (I love kids- I want to be a pediatrician with a minor in human development ages 0-10.) My expectations in performing my Christian Service are, admittedly, a little high. If I have to sacrifice this much class time, I have to make it worth it. I desperately want to have a lasting impression on the kids- I want to make them not only learn math, but learn to love it. Too bad loving math is impossible when you’re eleven or twelve. I think I’m most afraid that I won’t make even the slightest difference for these students, and that it will all just be a waste of time- not only mine, but also that of the student(s) and/or teacher.

tj and dave felt the need to tell me that the quality here is dropping a bit. my sincerest apologies. i didnt even know it had anywhere to drop from, so i decided to take that as a backhanded complement.

usually i use this to rant and rave but i have to admit i've been trying to avoid writing about stuff here because lately ive noticed it does more harm than good.

played ultimate frisbee today. the game was rather lackluster considering it's described as ultimate. robby tore it up, and evin and i put up a good fight. we'll get them next thursday... that is, if i dont sleep in (what were they thinking when they gave first period gym class to seniors? mwhahaha)

tomorrow i have christian service. i think we all know how i feel about that.

today was pep band dia dos. everyone's all chillaxing in g6, nick and i are tuned up, plugged in, corey's banging on los tambores, will's laying back with the bass, and various brass and woodwinds are going whatever it is people not in the rhythm section love pit are doing... we start to talk about new shirts when suddenly haj receives a message and has to leave rather abruptly, apologizing, then literally running out of the room, hitting his elbow on the grand piano on the way out, but not stopping to muse about how hitting one's funny bone is not funny at all. i hope everythings okay...

i had what was literally the worst headache of my life during homeroom today. lightning- behind- my- eyes kind of headache. no fun. kind of felt like retreating somewhere dark and assuming the fetal position. no more caffeine for me, thanks.

jude law's new movie (the first of 6 to be released over the next 3 months) hits theatres friday. i fucking cannot wait. it's kind of like christmas. except better. because it's jude law.

i started my applications today.

hilarious day.

christian service was such a joke.
1) i am not christian.
2) i did not serve any purpose.

so evin, kevin, and i drive to esek hopkins middle school (which, for some inexplicable reason i always want to call "ethan hawke"... i guess it's not that inexplicable. he's hot, and they both start with e.) for 9 o'clock. we then got split up. i would be in one of the 7th grade english classrooms. the teacher kind of stuck me in the back of the room whilst she quizzed/tested galore and vocab-ed it up. over the course of the two hours i read one of my favorite books- hatchet by gary paulsen. the whole thing.

now, e.h.m.s. is in the heart of providence. inner inner city, if you will. i was in the minority for the first time in my life, which i am honestly completely fine with. as i was leaving, one of the kids- jibrelle- who had entered the class wearing a doo-rag and proclaiming he was 'gangster, just like [my] cousin'- called me casper. i laughed it off and said i preferred jess, thanks. he smiled at me and said he didnt care that i was "pasty." i said i didnt either. then he asked me what his english homework was (he had just been informed of it 30 seconds earlier, i chalked it up to bad short term memory- get the kid some ginko!). he asked if i still wanted to come back next week or if i was going to change my christian service location now that i had seen the class. i said he wasn't getting rid of me that easily. i think i have made a new friend.

we returned a la escuela. i was in such a good mood (i had forgotten how good hatchet was, i guess) and spent an excellent lunch period with jon, madeleine, and char. madeleine and i downed our diet cokes as if it were the nectar of the gods. oh wait yes. it is! afterwards, corey, lauren, and i met with an admissions officer from upenn. i was expecting it to be Hot Admissions Officer Dan from may's presentation, but, alas, it wasnt. nonetheless, it was very informative and helpful. i'd love to go to a school like upenn.

we had a lab in physics today. corey was my partner and we had to measure a 3x5 index card. i LOVE physics!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it's the best thing ever.

after school i went to work. they gave me free ice cream and a check that i had entirely forgotten about. seriously. it doesn't get much better. j. crew paisley blazer here i come.

when i came home my mom told me about a cranston firefighter who was working the primary polls at an elementary school yesterday and got caught smoking pot in the little boy rooms. i think that is so fucking classic. i couldn't stop laughing; good for that guy. i told patty to ask her dad if he knows any good ganja dealers.

ryan PR-ed yesterday and i am positively ridiculously proud of him.

i found out today we dont have any classes on friday due to the dedication of the science center. this = wickedfrigginhot.

nick gave me two cd's today- the postal service and deathcab. i am so jolly.

ap music theory and ap calc tests tomorrow. i'm so nervous about the theory... i bought a 20 dollar book to help me.

SmileyJess13 (5:45:47 PM) okay, well now, to continue not doing homework, i think i'll go to sleep
SupremeGoddess98 (5:46:02 PM): the best alternative to sleeping is sex
SupremeGoddess98 (5:46:06 PM): avec beer
SupremeGoddess98 (5:46:10 PM): but sleeping is tied

no classes tomorrow = no homework tonight

for some reason i can't sit still right now. it's 1052 and i feel like driving. just driving. no where in particular, i'm just so restless. the thought of a busy weekend is looming over my head and is already wearing me out. i want coffee. and a good book.

i took a two hour nap this afternoon. it was delicious.

i hate change so much. there's a new guitarist in pep band. and it's a chick. i am way too territorial. i dont want another chick in the love pit. it can only be me and nick and will and andy and corey. me, me, me. the worst part is she's good. and nice. damn it all.

dear change. we need to break up and you need to go far away. don't take it too personally. love, jess.

last night i started writing a college essay, then abruptly abandoned it in favor of sleep. i tried to go back to it tonight, but it's just too terrible.

visited obi today with ev and joe. we talked about how absolutely beautiful mr. and mrs. mac are. because they really are positively adorable. he loves her so much and it's so cute when she corrects him in class and oh, the thought of his speech on the first day still brings a tear to everyone's eye. and then we were all having a moment and obi says "yes, once i was in their car... and it felt like a temple." at which point ev joe and i just broke down and cracked up for like:: 10 minutes. oh obi. i never thought i'd say it but i miss him so much!!!!!

hawaii pacific university sent me an application today. i'm going to boston on 2 oct for an nyu admissions presentation- let me know if you want to come along.

oh my god. i drank 1.5 liters of diet coke today and just got hit with a craving.

bye.

so my school recently added a 9.2 million dollar science center with 12 state of the art labs for chemistry, biology, and physics. it's 3 floors, plus has an out of this world cafeteria. so yeah it's wicked nice, we had an all day dedication ceremony yesterday. parents and alumni were invited for a tour last night. dinner and wine and the works and whatnot. my parents went.

this is how i was greeted when i got home last night:

me: what'd you think?
my mom: it's incredible. you're so lucky to go there [as opposed to ::shudder:: bay view]. you really had better not screw up in your last year.

hooray for family.

so... yes.

school again this week. that's crazy. i don't want to go.

i'm getting scared because everyone's doing their applications and i still dont have a fucking clue where i want to apply early, if i even should apply early. oh, college. on the bright side, my sat scores are improving due largely in part to the 5 hour sat prep course i'm enrolled in. so hopefully ill reach my goal in october. so i can apply early. and potentially know by christmas if i'm going to college. and not have to apply anywhere else other than my first choice. and buy myself a plane ticket to cali for two weeks as my xmas present to myselffffffffffffff.

friday night was so EXCELLENT. hit the mall with patty and madeleine for some GLORIOUS viewing of jude law (107 minutes, to be exact). seriously. hottest. man. alive. i caught myself just totally not paying any attention to the actual plot because i was so busy undressing him with my eyes. i enjoyed the movie immensely.

i'm going to premiere of i heart huckabees (his next movie due out on 1 october) a week from tomorrow. i cannot fucking wait. mark my words i will get into that after party if it is the last thing i do.

last night was girls night at mal's. patty maeve shan mal and i vegged out like whoa. ordered pizza, watched sex and the city, made fun of shannon , taught shannon how to properly use the term "chill", and laughed until diet coke nearly exited our cocaine torn noses. tiempos buenos to be sure.

today it was off to a lovely family brunch in jamestown at the bay voyage inn. muy delicioso. we hadn't been there since pre shelby and have had these reservations forever. it was so cold there were whitecaps on the waves, and the old jamestown bridge was visibly swaying. inside we were nice and toasty by the fire with beautiful view of the water. gorgeous stained glass windows. the queen mary was in the bay, and looked so out of place among even the largest of the island's yachts. i loved being near the water and smelling the salt air for the first time in nearly 3 weeks. it wasnt even that cold and my hands were purple from just the walk from the car, but there was no where else i would have rather been.

i'm going to need a house on the water someday.

i've been listening to the postal service y le me gusta. i'm tired and still have to write an autobiographical essay for mr. white, plus edit the esayo para senora C. however, no english or calculus tomorrow. which is hot. and two frees tuesday... and short wednesday... and pep rally friday... maybe ill be able to make it this week after all.... i hope....

i hate how i havent talked to you talked to you in over 2 years now. how i found all our old emails still in my 'stuff to save' folder and spent the better portion of two hours rereading them, then filing them in the delete bin because theyre mostly just continuations of inane conversations that i so highly hold in regard already that i dont need to save them anymore. they're permanently saved. i hate how i ruined it because i cared too much for you, i'm sorry, i thought i knew you better than you know yourself, which, of course, is not possible. if i could go back i wouldnt be as overbearing. i hate that i dont have anything to say to you anymore, how my eyes automatically revert to the floor in your presence. how im embarassed in front of you, can't let you see me. how i know i can write this here and not have to worry about you reading it because you dont read this. how i still worry about you, though. how i wish i was her. how i hate that this wont go away like you have.

there are many things that i would like to say to you but i dont know how

"do you pop pills? my sister says everyone at [my school here] does."

good question, j. good question.

christian service again today- not as bad as last time. i made a mini ecosystem with one of the science classes, then spent some quality time with jibrelle in english again. i was nervous when i didn't see him at first, afraid he had gotten himself kicked out of the class or something. as it turns out, he was simply in the principal's office because he had threatened the life of another student. *sigh* also i was clued in on the secret phrase in case there's ever a bomb scare at the school. nice.

henceforth i refuse to participate in christian service. all it results in is making me never want to be around kids. ever. (except for when i'm a pediatrician and i'm sticking them with needles and charging their parents obscene amounts of money for it :)) also i missed the derivative shortcut lesson for ap calc, which is only important for, oh, the whole effing year.

today i coughed so hard i seriously think a piece of my esophagus came up. awesome, no? my body is shutting down, and it's only the first day of fall.

pep band tomorrow and i don't feel like going. i dont know why, i just don't. i need to be able to come home and work on my messed up lab and practice theory intervals and write 3 college essays.

my app is due in 3 weeks. ::Dies::

i'm so exhausted. i havent slept underneath my comforter since summer because usually i just fall asleep on top of it.

i have nothing to wear to homecoming this weekend. if it werent for maeves afterwards i wouldnt even be going.

blah. why am i so down tonight?

only 12 more regular season games.

you know what's completely awesome? besides the fluffernutter i'm eating right now, that is.

when people forgive you.

i perfectly fit into the role of the victim in almost every dramatic scenario i find myself incapable of escaping. no matter what the problem is, it is never my fault. we all think this way, don't lie. i'm happy i can admit it, at least.

it's weird how we really don't take enough time to think about the people we victimize, usually because we do it without any care at all. for instance, not returning a call right away, arriving later than promised, not apologizing for either. i'm not talking about the obvious wounds we inflict upon others (verbal, physical, psychological, etc) here. just the little, subtle things that, after awhile, have the ability to cut deeper than you may have intended.

being unappreciative. you get the picture.

well anyways, my point (and there is one) is that too often i waste all my pity on myself, and that's terrible. and i feel i owe you an apology.

this seems so random, i know. but i've been realizing more and more the various ways i unknowingly inflict unneeded grief upon others, through complaints, sarcasm, being bad about returning voicemails, arriving late, bumming quarters at the lunch table for my diet coke fix (because the half a liter i take with me to school each morning no longer makes it past third period.)

today, someone forgave me. which, like i said, is completely awesome. but what's not-so-awesome is that i don't even know what i had done to need to be forgiven. (wow that was the most poorly constructed sentence ever.) hmm... put another way, i'm so dumb that i somehow hurt him without realizing it. and that's terrible on my part.

henceforth (mr w would be proud, hooray for introductory words!) i resolve to be more attentive about what i say and who i say it to. too often i have the tendency to be blunt and straightforward and say what's on my mind without pausing to think about the effect it may have on those around me.

that's not a very good tendency; i know that now. i'm so lucky to have been worthy of this person's forgiveness because it really meant a lot to me. but i know other times i won't be as fortunate, so that's why i want to make sure i don't let similar situations arise.

in other news....
- pep band today went smoothly
- nick rocks my socks because he wrote out some tabs for me
- this physics lab is dumb
- when it comes to college applications, i've developed severe paranoia
- the gas light in my car went on when i was 13 miles away from school and i panicked and filled up at the nearest station. it's name was Ravi. i put $3 in because that's all i had.
- who knew that the thought of calculus could make me smile?
- lauren o rocks my socks, also. just because.
- quote of the day comes from madeleine (of course): "dude, did you have any open cuts on your hand?" i love how that's completely up to your own individual interpretation
- the tortilla curtain is a good book
- i know who my first choice college interviewer is
- pep rally tomorrow
- currently nothing to wear to homecoming; thinking perhaps this will get people to dance with me
- shopping with mal after school tomorrow
- yep, this physics lab is still dumb.

what college is really about.

lauren and i are going to the harvard dinner on 4 october just so we can sit at a table with other prospective applicants and say things like "well, i got a 1580 on my first try, but i just want to see if i can do better..." and "do you think 12 ap's in two years is enough? my school only offers 13..." and "my great- grandfather, grandfather, and father are all harvard grads. i hope i am able to continue the tradition" and "don't worry- if you don't get into harvard, there's always ccri."

mwhahahaha. i can't wait.

homecoming = wickeddd fun

and i'll tell you all about it after my headache goes away.

where to begin?

for someone who didnt want to go, even at 7:00 last night, i have to admit that i had a good time in spite of myself.

homecoming in years past has always been very anticlimactic for me, personally. i could not possibly care less about football or any cliche high school event related to it. pep rally on friday was awesome, pep band rocked (literally). then after school patty mal and i went shopping to find me something to wear but to no avail. yesterday morning i was at work by 6 and left around 11. came home, grabbed my guitar, all my stuff for maeve's, and an apple and was at my school for noon to help set up. we got yelled at repeatedly throughout the game for playing "too loudly" by the assistant jv coach (he has no neck) haj dared us to go up to him and ask if his name was dick. it was hilarious, emile was so ready to do it. we won the game, but dont ask me by how much. i wasn't really paying attention at all...

left at 530 and went to patty's because she said she would make my eyes smolder. between my clown make up (think:: purples, blues, pinks, and oranges) and patty's earth towns (browns, browns, browns, and one brownish-black) i ended up looking dead. ask mike. he witnessed it. but to her credit, she made my hair straight, which was awesome. two claps.

[edited] but hey im not one to judge.

jon and i danced erratically. it was most excellent. we had a circle of people around us at one point with their hands over their mouths, whispering things like what are they on and is she okay? i find this hilarious.

there was so much funny stuff but i really can't think of it right now. if i remember stuff later i'll tell you about it.

afterwards fun times ensued at maeve's estate (comprised of 3 separate houses). jon and i had an entire bowl to ourselves. of candy corn, that is! ha! what'd you think i meant? no seriously though it was candy corn. and it was so good. it was me patty jon maeve aaron shan tom teej mal dave and steph. we made a fort under the pool table and i talked about se7en ("se7en is such a good movie.") then i proceeded to curl up into the fetal position and proclaim my lack of a gag reflex. (oops, look like i jsut did that again. it's true. eat your heart out.) i fell asleep on the floor for a bit. that was nice. then i migrated to one of the couches and woke up this morning when patty and mal were like 'oh my god you know that girl jess?" and i responded with "dudes, i heard shes a fox in the sack." and then i proceeded to not have any voice because the back of my throat is all messed up and if i wasnt sick before this weekend i definitely am now.

okay. i think those are the main points. let me know if i'm forgetting anything.

oh, yes, and also i wicked embarassed myself.

Meditation Tip - Sogyal Rinpoche - September 27, 2004
----------------------------------------------------------------

In Tibetan, the word for body is 'lu', which means 'something you leave behind,' like baggage.
Each time we say 'lu', it reminds us that we are only travellers, taking temporary refuge in this life and this body.

Sogyal Rinpoche

i seriously need to not eat so much.

i find mondays to be so daunting. a full week on the horizon has me cowering in the corner dreading all that lies before me once again. i get down on myself so easily, and seriously doubt my capabilities too much. i've never been a good optimist.

i hate that it was dark so early tonight. as the darkness crept upon my surrounding environment, i crawled under my comforter for a solid 3 hours. i woke up so disoriented, thinking it was morning and i hadnt done any of my homework. my eyes hurt because i had left my contacts in and the gnawing pain in my stomach told me i needed dinner stat. upon surveying the cabinets i settled on cinnamon toast crunch and half a peanut butter and fluff on pumpernickel bread. with diet coke, of course.

it's three hours later and still havent so much as cracked open a book. i have a music theory test/quiz/exam (they're all the same to him; i love musicians as teachers!!!!!!!!) tomorrow and i don't understand inversions. just thinking of my calculus homework makes me dizzy, and physics... well... i know this is a terrible attitude, but i like to pretend since i got a 97 for the year in ap chem that i know everything there is to know about physics (which is complete bullshit and i'm certainly not kidding myself or anybody else for that matter.)

my english teacher said he enjoyed my essay, so i think i'll make just a few more revisions then use it as my common app (question 7: write about any topic) essay. 1 down, 1 to go. any defining events in the past 3 years that have shaped who i am today? huh, it's funny, because i can only think of one that's really made me into the overly self conscious manic that i am. but no college wants to hear about that.

have you ever had an out of body experience? as if you are able to see yourself from the perspective of someone other than yourself?

sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night as if by an unidentifiable force. it's kind of like an ESP thing. i sit up ramrod straight, tie my hair back, drag myself out of my lair, and walk with heavy feet down the hall to check on my sister to make sure she's still breathing. this stems from when we were little and used to share a room and i was convinced that it was my responsibilty as the older sister to always check on her, make sure the blankets or her spectrum of stuffed animals wasnt suffocating her. she's 12 today, and we've had separate rooms for at least 7 or 8 years, but lately i've felt the need to make sure everything's okay when i'm jolted awake. sometimes i'll return my head to its pillow, reassuring myself that everything's fine, it's too cold to expose my bare feet to the cool hardwood floor of my room, too dark to navigate the hallway. but then those thoughts are hastily pushed away as the one that tells me it will be my fault if she dies.

it's probably just a weird case of ocd induced sleep apnea, though. nothing to really worry about.

usually after these jaunts, i'll pick up my dad's copy of the economist from the side table in the living room and attempt to perform currency conversions in my head. that usually helps me fall asleep. but lately i've been unable to focus, and the numbers kind of float on the page and distort themselves into even more incoherent meaningless symbols. my mind wanders and i long for comprehension to fill the void that sits in the pit of my stomach.

sometimes i also have visions of car accidents. but i'll save those for another time. who needs drugs when you're naturally this trippy?

830- 930: phys
930- 1030: ap span
1030- 1145: harvard rep meeting
1145- 12:00: AP music theory (1 out of 9 wrong = 95%!!! hooray for music math!)
12:00- 12:30: lunch
12:30- 1:30: free
1:30- 2:30: AP calculus

how is it, with a schedule like that today... i have 6 hours of homework or so to do tonight?

i wish i had more to write about right now, but i've been trying to write an essay for the past 1.5 hours and i think i've exhausted every word in my speaking vocabulary.

the past few nights i've been up with a cross between the sniffles and insomnia. the result has been the commencement of a short piece of fictional work that i'm pondering posting when it's done...

tomorrow i have xtian service.

katie is having a bonfire on friday night? she's going to introduce me to her cousin, the one and only erik d.? and i dont know what to think about this? hence? the multiple question marks?

tonight i didnt want to be home alone again. so i went over ryan's. innn my pajamas. the best part was he had his on too (p.s. it was 730). we're both sick and we both have a ton of homework, but we managed to fit in some quality rye and jess tiempo complete with pop rocks, lemonheads, and laffy taffy. with this much sugar and caffeine (i stopped at starbucks on the way home -free trade coffee, baby) i am now more than ready to take on the world.

i listened to a rush of blood to to the head as i was falling asleep last night. i love this song. i think it's already in the archives, but you're just going to have to deal.

The Scientist by Coldplay
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I'm going back to the start

woke up late. this rain sucks. due to my complete lack of an immune system, i'm officially sick. i sound like a 50 year old 3 pack a day smoker. and as much as i know you think that's hot i'm personally hoping? that this goes away? before friday? for reasons aforementioned? in previous entry?

i love not being at school when i'm supposed to.

sometimes i want to throw all my inhibitions to the wind and play with his hair. and then i remember that i did do this, all too recently. and now i blame the wind for stealing them from my tightly-closed fist.

despite the advice of my very concerned mother, i ended up going into school today. my eyes hurt so bad because i slept with my contacts in last night. because i was up late trying to write my second college essay. and then i couldnt go to sleep. so i got the bright idea to pop in fight club. promptly fell asleep on the couch right after the best scene ("i want you to hit me as hard as you can.")

i was yelled at- yelled at- by my christian service moderator because i didn't go today because i came in late. yelled at. i can't remember the last time i heard that kind of tone from anyone. i was also threatened. threatened. i can remember the last time i was threatened and that time is NEVER.

my guidance counselor guided me today. he said to take tomorrow out of school. so i plan on allowing myself to be guided. i'm going to sleep until 1:15pm. i will then proceed to blindly fumble around my room until i locate my glasses (something tells me my eyes are kind of fucked up for a few days...) grab a teaspoonful or six of marshmallow fluff, hop in the car, and meet ryan in the hendi parking lot by 1:27.

nah, i probably wont be able to sleep that late. (but i'm def going to hendi) also going to hit up j. crew. (hooray for fall sales on cashmere.) then i'm going to see if my hairdresser can fit me in because i am so fucking sick and tired of my disgusting hair. it looks terrible. my split ends have split ends. i also just need a new appearance altogether if anyone knows where i can schedule an appointment for that i'd really appreciate it.

dear inhibitions you suck sincerely jess

Sunflower Sutra by Allen Ginsberg

I walked on the banks of the tincan banana dock and
sat down under the huge shade of a Southern
Pacific locomotive to look at the sunset over the
box house hills and cry.
Jack Kerouac sat beside me on a busted rusty iron
pole, companion, we thought the same thoughts
of the soul, bleak and blue and sad-eyed,
surrounded by the gnarled steel roots of trees of
machinery.
The oily water on the river mirrored the red sky, sun
sank on top of final Frisco peaks, no fish in that
stream, no hermit in those mounts, just ourselves
rheumy-eyed and hungover like old bums
on the riverbank, tired and wily.
Look at the Sunflower, he said, there was a dead gray
shadow against the sky, big as a man, sitting
dry on top of a pile of ancient sawdust--
--I rushed up enchanted--it was my first sunflower,
memories of Blake--my visions--Harlem
and Hells of the Eastern rivers, bridges clanking Joes
Greasy Sandwiches, dead baby carriages, black
treadless tires forgotten and unretreaded, the
poem of the riverbank, condoms & pots, steel
knives, nothing stainless, only the dank muck
and the razor-sharp artifacts passing into the
past--
and the gray Sunflower poised against the sunset,
crackly bleak and dusty with the smut and smog
and smoke of olden locomotives in its eye--
corolla of bleary spikes pushed down and broken like
a battered crown, seeds fallen out of its face,
soon-to-be-toothless mouth of sunny air, sunrays
obliterated on its hairy head like a dried
wire spiderweb,
leaves stuck out like arms out of the stem, gestures
from the sawdust root, broke pieces of plaster
fallen out of the black twigs, a dead fly in its ear,
Unholy battered old thing you were, my sunflower O
my soul, I loved you then!
The grime was no man's grime but death and human
locomotives,
all that dress of dust, that veil of darkened railroad
skin, that smog of cheek, that eyelid of black
mis'ry, that sooty hand or phallus or protuberance
of artificial worse-than-dirt--industrial--
modern--all that civilization spotting your
crazy golden crown--
and those blear thoughts of death and dusty loveless
eyes and ends and withered roots below, in the
home-pile of sand and sawdust, rubber dollar
bills, skin of machinery, the guts and innards
of the weeping coughing car, the empty lonely
tincans with their rusty tongues alack, what
more could I name, the smoked ashes of some
cock cigar, the cunts of wheelbarrows and the
milky breasts of cars, wornout asses out of chairs
& sphincters of dynamos--all these
entangled in your mummied roots--and you there
standing before me in the sunset, all your glory
in your form!
A perfect beauty of a sunflower! a perfect excellent
lovely sunflower existence! a sweet natural eye
to the new hip moon, woke up alive and excited
grasping in the sunset shadow sunrise golden
monthly breeze!
How many flies buzzed round you innocent of your
grime, while you cursed the heavens of the
railroad and your flower soul?
Poor dead flower? when did you forget you were a
flower? when did you look at your skin and
decide you were an impotent dirty old locomotive?
the ghost of a locomotive? the specter and
shade of a once powerful mad American locomotive?
You were never no locomotive, Sunflower, you were a
sunflower!
And you Locomotive, you are a locomotive, forget me
not!
So I grabbed up the skeleton thick sunflower and stuck
it at my side like a scepter,
and deliver my sermon to my soul, and Jack's soul
too, and anyone who'll listen,
--We're not our skin of grime, we're not our dread
bleak dusty imageless locomotive, we're all
beautiful golden sunflowers inside, we're blessed
by our own seed & golden hairy naked
accomplishment-bodies growing into mad black
formal sunflowers in the sunset, spied on by our
eyes under the shadow of the mad locomotive
riverbank sunset Frisco hilly tincan evening
sitdown vision.

Allen Ginsberg

Berkeley, 1955

last night i went was asleep by 9:30. today i woke up around 11, then finally decided to drag myself out of bed at noon. called rye and had to cancel my hendricken expedition because i was in no shape to see all those beautiful boys and feel bad about myself.

so instead i got a haircut. it's just been driving me crazy. it's much longer than it really should be, healthwise. i walk through the halls of school and feel like melting into the wall because it seems like everyone has beautiful hair except for me. my hair looks bleached (it's not) and dyed (also not) and overheated (ok, it is) and gross (ditto). plus i'm just bored with it. i made an appointment to get lowlights in a few weeks because maybe brunettes have more fun. i wish i could go nuts and get like dark brown hair or red highlights or layers or something totally not me at all.

i want to artificially reinvent myself.

too bad i suck at adapting to change. and also taking risks. even when it comes to my hair color. bah.

then i had a doctor's appointment. which, when my mom suggested it yesterday afternoon, seemed like a good idea, but now i think my pediatrician thinks im certified nuts. first of all, i fell asleep in the waiting room (what can i say, apparently 15+ hours was not enough.) then i didn't have a fever. or strep throat. or an ear infection. or a sinus infection.

what the fuck is wrong with me?!!?

my whole body aches. my throat burns when i drink crystal light. i can't taste anything, not even the fruit breeze cough drops that i've been going through all day today. i still sound like a 50 year old three pack a day smoker. i can't hear out of my left ear. i have 0 energy. i can feel a pulse in my nose, and i have bags like no other under my eyes. oh, my eyes. yes. they are fucked up. he said the whites looked yellow, and i need to go in for bloodwork tomorrow. needles... hotness... not. on the plus side, i get to miss gym.

i'm pretty sure i still want to be a pediatrician. i loved being there- i didn't even mind being in the waiting room. plus, i got a lollipop with a choke-free handle on it. it really doesnt get any better than that!

afterwards i went to laurens house to study for calc. i think i did 4, maybe 5 problems, and i was there for about 2 horas. corey was there too, but he was doing his upenn app. he bribed me with a lexus to write his essay ("why upenn?" ... i think i would write "why not?") lauren was stressing out way more than she needed to be... poor thing. she must have forgotten how much she rocks my socks. (hahaha corey too!!) lau's dad brought home casertas and we chowed and chatted and it was awesome. plus i got to hang out with jasmine, rocky, petey and gracie, the last of whom weighs a whopping 4 pounds at full growth.

now i am home and exhausted beyond belief. i am going to just watch the debate now and enjoy witnessing the president make a complete ass of himself. god knows i need something to smile about.

and also i want jujyfruits. hop on it will ya?