i find mondays to be so daunting. a full week on the horizon has me cowering in the corner dreading all that lies before me once again. i get down on myself so easily, and seriously doubt my capabilities too much. i've never been a good optimist.
i hate that it was dark so early tonight. as the darkness crept upon my surrounding environment, i crawled under my comforter for a solid 3 hours. i woke up so disoriented, thinking it was morning and i hadnt done any of my homework. my eyes hurt because i had left my contacts in and the gnawing pain in my stomach told me i needed dinner stat. upon surveying the cabinets i settled on cinnamon toast crunch and half a peanut butter and fluff on pumpernickel bread. with diet coke, of course.
it's three hours later and still havent so much as cracked open a book. i have a music theory test/quiz/exam (they're all the same to him; i love musicians as teachers!!!!!!!!) tomorrow and i don't understand inversions. just thinking of my calculus homework makes me dizzy, and physics... well... i know this is a terrible attitude, but i like to pretend since i got a 97 for the year in ap chem that i know everything there is to know about physics (which is complete bullshit and i'm certainly not kidding myself or anybody else for that matter.)
my english teacher said he enjoyed my essay, so i think i'll make just a few more revisions then use it as my common app (question 7: write about any topic) essay. 1 down, 1 to go. any defining events in the past 3 years that have shaped who i am today? huh, it's funny, because i can only think of one that's really made me into the overly self conscious manic that i am. but no college wants to hear about that.
have you ever had an out of body experience? as if you are able to see yourself from the perspective of someone other than yourself?
sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night as if by an unidentifiable force. it's kind of like an ESP thing. i sit up ramrod straight, tie my hair back, drag myself out of my lair, and walk with heavy feet down the hall to check on my sister to make sure she's still breathing. this stems from when we were little and used to share a room and i was convinced that it was my responsibilty as the older sister to always check on her, make sure the blankets or her spectrum of stuffed animals wasnt suffocating her. she's 12 today, and we've had separate rooms for at least 7 or 8 years, but lately i've felt the need to make sure everything's okay when i'm jolted awake. sometimes i'll return my head to its pillow, reassuring myself that everything's fine, it's too cold to expose my bare feet to the cool hardwood floor of my room, too dark to navigate the hallway. but then those thoughts are hastily pushed away as the one that tells me it will be my fault if she dies.
it's probably just a weird case of ocd induced sleep apnea, though. nothing to really worry about.
usually after these jaunts, i'll pick up my dad's copy of the economist from the side table in the living room and attempt to perform currency conversions in my head. that usually helps me fall asleep. but lately i've been unable to focus, and the numbers kind of float on the page and distort themselves into even more incoherent meaningless symbols. my mind wanders and i long for comprehension to fill the void that sits in the pit of my stomach.
sometimes i also have visions of car accidents. but i'll save those for another time. who needs drugs when you're naturally this trippy?