smileyjess

bonfire night (aka "bonfiya night") was quite the expedition. after the Shittiest Week Ever, it was exactly what i needed.

actually, today wasnt too too bad. went to school late because i had to have more blood tests run at the doctor's (3 shots- i have the best track marks everrrr, i really cant wait to show them off), missed the calc test (shucks, snaps fingers), got notes to skip gym from now until the end of the quarter (best. pediatrician. ever.), and don't have to make up the spanish test until monday. after school i went to work for three hours. my boss informed me that i'm getting increased responsibilities, and can now work from home. seriously, i have the best supervisor on the planet.

rocking out to the pixies on the way home, i get a lovely voicemail from jon. it is as follows: "HEY BITCH! YOU BETTER GET YOUR ASS TO NORTH KINGSTOWN SO I CAN GET SOME FROM KATIES'S COUSIN ERIK'S FRIEND. PLUS THERE'S SOMETHING IN STORE FOR YOU. OKAY. LOVE YOU BEAUTIFUL! SEE YOU TONIGHT! HURRY!!!!!"

now, with no one else expected home until 11, i was quite honestly looking forward to settling in for some mean girls and maybe some best of friends season one. but some is some, and when jon calls, i harken. so i took the fastest shower of my life (because? erik would? be there?) and jetted to katies house where soon, in addition to jon and katie, dan, caroline, joe, alex, nate, and e arrived. (to whom it may concern: j decided e's friend had too much facial hair.) joe, alex and jon got in my car and on the way to wherever the fuck we went we discussed people we thought were hot. we hightailed over to a wicked shady place and parked our cars along the side of the road, then crossed (no streetlights at allllllllllllll), and spent the next 15 minutes bushwhacking our way to a beach whose existence- no offense katie my love- i was seriously beginning to doubt. then, suddenly, there was a clearing, and lo! water!

this sounds so incredibly cheesy, but the moon (which was orange tonight- when caroline pointed it out we all originaly though she was crazy- i remarked that i wanted some of whatever she was on--) was reflected on the water and it was so cool because i had no fricken idea where i was. until i looked to the right, and there was the jamestown bridge all lit up in its glory.

we came across some sketchy mexican fisherman, so headed right. dan, our boy scout of the group, lit the bonfire and we all huddled into a semicircle (so no one was in the gross smoke) and shared blankets and rubbed toes and jumped at small noises. alex chain smoked these herbal cigarettes that i believe are actually overpriced aregano, but they smelled sooooo good. jon had one and remarked that it smelled like a spice rack in his head.

dan busted out the acoustic, and joe said something like "god, when i first heard you, i was like shit this kid has no rhythm." it was hilarious to see joe in such a state because christ! it's joe! dan showed us all how far he's come, and erik juggled between three harmonicas. the only other harmonica player i know is james w., who, if you will all recall, is extremely Hot. ergo, anyone i meet henceforth in my lifetime that plays the harmonica automatically becomes hot. thus, erik owes james a big ol' thanks.

once the fiya was dying down, i decided i should really get going because no one knew where i was. erik walked me back to the car (i estimate the distance at about a mile maybe?) tripping half the way (there were a lot more rocks that i had recalled) we supported each other the rest. dont ask me how between me with my 0 sense of direction and he in his condition found our way back but we miraculously did. (i probably should have been dropping bread crumbs so he could find his way back to the group afterwards.) he had heard about my yale aspirations and told me hes hoping to go there too (he's so in- his rich grandparents both went there.) we talked the moses brown (his school) soccer team, and phish in coventry, and whether or not we were supposed to have taken the left way back there 10 minutes ago. he was surprised i remembered the first three digits of his phone number that he whispered in my ear about a month or so ago now. i was surprised when he wanted all seven of mine.

before i forget... a public service announcement...

TUESDAY, 5 OCTOBER 2004- ALL SENIORS WEAR TOGAS!

it will be so hot, i promise. spread the word, gangsters. like, now.

FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, fool, i am including two links on how to make togas.

TOGA LINK ONE click it, biotch
TOGA LINK TWO why not try this one too, beautiful?

ok, now i am tired. and must study calc. and spanish. and do physics homework. and teach myself music theory.

we have lazy day tomorrow. ubersweet. now i dont even have to change in the morning! (joke!) (not really!) (hah!) (you know you love it!) (but i should probably change before my dinner with the harvard people!) (nah!)

(okay!) (no more caffeine tonight!) (i promise!) (no i dont!)

and in this moment i am happy

normally monday mornings suck, but not when you hear blind melon on the radio twice before school starts. it must have been some sort of planetary alignment. i was in just the best mood despite the difficulty of the ap calc and ap span tests i had to take. i hummed it from class to class and might have even sung some out loud too (sorry for all those who heard my terrible singing voice! even sorrier to those in ap music theory with me!)

a real update later, i promise.

No Rain by Blind Melon
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
I like watchin' the puddles gather rain
And all I can do is just pour some tea for two
and speak my point of view
But it's not sane, It's not sane

I just want some one to say to me
I'll always be there when you wake
Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today
So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day
And I start to complain that there's no rain
And all I can do is read a book to stay awake
And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape
escape...escape...escape...
All I can say is that my life is pretty plain
you don't like my point of view
you think I'm insane
Its not sane...it's not sane.

((happy birthday nick and char!))

despite not starting homework until roughly 1048p last night and completely studying all the wrong stuff for music theory, today was a good day. (hums ice cube's "today was a good day" to self.)

why? i don't really know. could just be that cloud nine kind of feeling that comes with an unexpected latenight phone call and a 99 on your summer reading essays to start the morning off on the perfect foot. not just the right one, the perfect one.

or it could be the fact that i got to spend the whole day in a toga. togas rock. if you've never worn one, you really need to find an excuse to.

last night corey ev dan and i went to the harvard dinner. lets just say... i'm never going to get in. eight or so undergrads and numerous harvard alums were present. the current student who sat at our table for a 1570 on his SATs the first time and spent the entire second semester of his senior year in the dominican republic, just for kicks. and because he could. because- gosh darn it- he was going to harvard. (he graduated from moses brown.) he told us about his roommate who is the world's fastest rubics cube solver (10 seconds eyes open, 30 seconds blindfolded after just 2 seconds of looking at the cube.) another one told us about his organic chem course... he was in the same class as the international chem contest winner for 2004. the test range of the class was from 3 to 99. yet another one told us about his friend who actually received 105% on one of his math finals because he found a more efficient way to solve one of the four problems on the exam than the professor.

dear ccri. please forgive me. we all make mistakes right? i was wrong to so quickly write you off. at $88 a semester, you'll help me to save my parents $8424 a year. let's be friends again. please? all my love, jess.

seriously though. i really should have listened to jon and not gone to the dinner because it only resulted in feeling dumb, inferior, and not worthy of even being in the same room as them.

psh whatever.

hey does anyone remember the jess that used to stay up hours trying to figure out her math homework? or study for that chem test? where the fuck is she? i had a physics test today and didn't even know about it until homeroom. test. i didn't even bother to bring home my calc book yesterday because i was so completely lost during class (i ended up doing that during my free, though... and i studied for physics during christian service...) but still... i think i'm losing what i'm most famous for- stressing out to the point where teachers have to tell me to calm down.

hah, this from the girl whose guidance counselor told her to take a mental health day last thursday.

back to esek hopkins tomorrow morning with ev and kevin. can't wait to see jibrelle. and boris. and both shaniquas.

thursday my parents are leaving for paris? guess who totally forgot they were even going away? i'm going to accompany them to boston (they are flying out of logan)- we only have the walkathon on thursday, and i don't even think the majority of seniors are bothering with it. and as much as i love walking 5 miles in the bitter october weather, i'd much prefer faneuil hall and quincy marketplace thankyouverymuch.

this absurdly long entry brought to you by a girl desperately trying to procrastinate.

not really a whole lot to say---

bunked yesterday and slept until 12, at which point my parents woke me up to say bye for 9 days. now they are in france. and i am still in ri. how is this fair?

successfully completed a week of not doing any calc homework.

watched the sox tonight and bit off all my fingernails. trust me- it's hot.

going to nyc on 1 nov; stoked.

worked on my college app.

ate popcorn. drank diet coke. rotted my teeth. grew a hole in my stomach.

SATs tomorrow morning in nk.

happy.

all mixed up by 311
You've got to trust your instinct,
and let go of regret,
you've got to bet on yourself, now star,
cause that's your best bet,
watch me now with the wicked and wild,
And i said come with the funky style that get's us on for the show,
And we'll fix the hip-hop reggae if we say it is so,
fuck the naysayers, cuz they don't mean a thing,
this is what style we bring.
Now it's morning, but last night's on my mind,
ther's something i need to gett off my chest,
but no matter what may come to shine,
the dream will always be mine.
all mixed up don't know what to do,
next thing you turn around and find the person is you,
thought a freak might be the thing,
but the first could be that last,
so just get off of your ass.
all mixed up don't know what to do,
next thing you turn around and find the person is you,
thought a freak might be the thing,
but you know this will pass, so just get off of your ass.
keep me coming, that is a gal that'll kill them stunning,
oh, oh,
you make me nervous,
throat dry,
my brain is empty,
don't know why,
but i saw you doing something,
which is really truly nothing,
and you could bust me out all day!

this is all your fault. for once, i am not making any excuses for myself. i have tried- multiple times over the past 2 years- to figure out why i am the way i am when it comes to fucking up relationships. in nearly every aspect of my life, i hate looking at the big picture. i much prefer to focus on one certain fault, narrow them all down, reduce them, turn them in a more manageable size. small enough to hide away, to tuck into a back pocket or to sew into the hem of a skirt.

each time i try to center in on whatever the problem is when it comes to my seeming inability to stay involved with someone, i become overwhelmed; there are too many. some, i am perfectly willing to admit, are my fault. but the rest? yours.

why is it your fault?

because: you betrayed me. you lied to me. you lied to others about me. you ignored me. you looked me in the eye and said words that meant nothing. you made me feel as though i was nothing. you gave me false hopes. you played mind games. you didnt even let me say goodbye. you lied. you lied. you lied.

why is it my fault?

because: i trusted you.

i've tried the whole boyfriend thing three more times, but i've run away before granting any real chances. this past june i thought i had managed to wiggle free from the tight fist of the past, but i knew by early august i was wrong. it's like each time something good comes along, you somehow manage to remind me of everything i'm afraid of.

i'm not going to let my past stop me from my future anymore.

because fuck that. your number is blocked on my cell phone, so dont bother there. i know you've got a lot of free time but i dont think you should spend it in your car in a suit and sunglasses with your eyes out for somethingone. i don't really care to talk to you because i honestly don't have anything left to say. and i mean it this time. i don't want to hear any more apologies because i think i've heard enough. nothing means anything to me anymore. you had your chance. sorry, dont try again. i am done. please leave me alone. please.

i say this because (i like to think that) something good has come along. i'm not going to let you ruin it for me again. no. three times has been more than enough, thank you very much.

and you are not even in the biggest picture ever to be drawn. so dont even bother trying to inconspicuously meander your way in from the corner's edge.

ah, yes. and here we go again. GO SOX!!! hop on all you bandwagon fans!!!

i <3 this skit. it's from the days when snl was actually funny...

Tina Fey: Now it's time for an old favorite here at "Weekend Update" - "Point/Counterpoint". Here to debate tonight are Yankee shortstop Derek Jeter and Boston Red Sox fan Seth Meyers. Tonight's topic on "Point/Counterpoint": "Derek Jeter Sucks" - (Jeter: "No, I Don't!") Derek, why don't we start with you.

Derek Jeter: Thanks, Tina. I know my friend Seth Meyers here is a Red Sox fan, and that's great. The fans really are what keep Major League baseball going. But I hope Seth can see that I play hard all the time, and I always do my best for the team.

Tina Fey: Seth, Counterpoint?

Seth Meyers: You suck!

Tina Fey: Seth, you still have, like, thirty seconds.

Seth Meyers: I'll elaborate. Jeter, you suck in three very specific ways. So Hard, So Bad, and Wicked Bad.

Derek Jeter: Seth, I don't suck. I've won four World Series rings in six years.

Seth Meyers: Valid point. But if there was a World Series of sucking, you'd have, like, a hundred rings!

three day weekends are glorious. and with the sight of this wednesday off for seniors, they are just that much better.

saturday i took the SATs for what i am almost certain to be the last time. I think i'm taking the SAT II for Math IC in november, but never again the dreaded SAT I. i felt more comfortable than the previous two times... but that doesn't really mean anything... so just... wish me luck. scores are released in 13 days. but who's counting? it's not like whether or not i get into college is riding on them... oh wait... yes it is!

afterwards, katie, mal, beth, beth's nk amiga, and i went to a quaint waterfront cafe in wickford. the other three had weddings and work to attend, so katie and i browsed through assorted hippie shops and laughed at funny bumper stickers and chatted it up. ("only resort to the zox concert if it's terribly awkward. how about a corn maze?") that chick cracks me up.

saturday afternoon i attempted to tackle some homework and failed miserably.

at night, upon locating my house in the epitome of planned neighborhoods and lush green lawn in c- town suburbia, erik and i jetted to the beach. (he drives faster than me! do you have any idea how scary that is! they dont call my car 'atalanta' for nothing!) armed with 2 sweatshirts each, a 2 dolla mexican blanket, and his ipod, we firmly planted ourselves on the shore and just sat listening to dave matthews band and damien rice (yes, because we are that cool) and the waves. when it got too cold we called it a night and headed back for some fight club.

sunday i slept late and blew off sat prep class (which i should still be going to since i want to take that sat 2...) because i honestly think that 2 days in a row of sat math just might have killed me. bought some tie dye ate a candy apple blah blah now it is monday and i am bored. wow. this was the worst conclusion ever.

reason #94875718 why i absolutely love jw: because he says stuff like "All I want to do is sleep now. I read newspaper articles about people in comas and all I can think is, "Lucky bastards."

if only he didnt already have a significant other.... *sigh*

She had always hated long goodbyes, much rather preferring to escape the drawn out ritual of an inevitable farewell by wholly immersing herself in the darker recesses of her personal musings. With a strong tendency towards emotional detachment, she would slowly, insensibly, rise above the situation at hand and look down upon it with a queasy churn of the stomach and furrowed brows. A chronic anxiousness overwhelmed her, and she couldn’t help but inconspicuously glance the watch face over and over, later resorting to blunt rudeness as she examined the lifeless movement of the minute hand and the light’s dancing reflection upon the wall. Long goodbyes made it harder to come back.

She was desperate, and she knew it. Anything just to get going, moving on to the next thing, hoping, wishing, praying, begging for something more satisfying, fulfilling, gratifying. She had an insatiable hunger and an unquenchable thirst. She thrived on the constancy of this malnourishment. In a twisted way, she didn’t want to give into her desires. They were what kept her going. They were what kept her from coming back.

parents home early bc my mom has work. okay day off. i felt so downhearted all day im so fucking sick and tired of the ups and downs.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh tired. and this calc homework is not helping.

patty visited yale today. here are her thoughts:
patty0287: there was a kid in my tour group who asked if he should send his scientific research in because he wasnt sure that the admissions couselors could understand it
patty0287: i was like ooo i have that problem too
SmileyJess13: maybe ill send in my 'which substance melts ice faster' science project from freshman year
patty0287: lololol they won't be able to understand that
SmileyJess13: i know its pretty complicated stuff
SmileyJess13: its like hmmm salt or orange juice
patty0287: lol send them some orange juice
SmileyJess13: ill send them some ice
SmileyJess13: "caution: its a rare specimen"

from In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth 3 Disc 1 by c&c (which i purchased today- me lo gusta)
A Favor House Atlantic
Your eyes tell the stories of a day you wish you could
Recall the moments that once have
Retrack the footsteps that brought us to this favor
I wouldn't ask this of you

Good eye, sniper
Here I'll shoot, you run
The words you scribbled on the walls
With the loss of friends you didn't have
I'll call you when the time is right
Are you in or are you out?
For them all to know the end of us all

Run quick, they're behind us
Didn't think we'd ever make it
This close to safety in one piece
Now you wanna kill me in the act of what could maybe
Save us from sleep and what we are

Good eye, sniper
Now I shoot, you run
The words you scribbled on the walls
With the loss of friends you didn't have
I'll call you when the time is right
Are you in or are you out?
For them all to know the end of us all

Bye bye beautiful
Don't bother to write
Disturbed by your words and they're calling all cars
Face step, let down.
Face step, step down.

The words you scribbled on the walls
With the loss of friends you didn't have
I'll call you when the time is right
Are you in or are you out?
For them all to know

Bye bye beautiful
Don't bother to write
Disturbed by your words and they're calling all cars
Face step, let down.
Face step, step down.

Bye bye beautiful
Don't bother to write
Disturbed by your words and they're calling all cars
Face step, let down.
Face step, step down.

lists are fun, i swear

*fair warning. dont read #1 if you already think i'm a condescending bitch. you've been fairly warned. proceed.*

1. okay, no offense to any gym teachers or wannabe gym teachers out there, but quite frankly, you suck. actually, wait, no, not you, just my gym teacher, who we'll just call B. alright, i went to the first class. actually, the first two. the next one- sorry, calc test to study for. and after that? late. the next one? christian service. (jesus christ i'd much rather be in gym than c.s. any day) the next three? doctor's excuse. tomorrow tulane is visiting during my gym period. they are somewhere in my top five i'd say, so i validly desire to go to meet the admissions dude/dudette. i went to have B. sign the paper sayinig it's okay, i can skip gym to help determine not only where exactly in the top five tulane ranks on my list but also perhaps, um, my fucking future. she's like i cannot grade you on just one class. and i was like um, well, this is, like, college. maybe you went to one? (but probably not, sorry i dont have the time to explain it to you, sweetheart.) and she's all 'think of it this way: if you missed every single english class except one you wouldnt expect your english teacher to grade you on just that one class, right?'

at which point I BURST OUT LAUGHING. this woman, this crazy crazy woman, was comparing gym to ap english. oh god that's rich. When i managed to somehow regain my composure, i then proceeded to say to B. 'think of it this way. ENGLISH ACTUALLY MATTERS.'

nah, but i did give a small chuckle and a smile and a nod and ran to tell everyone how crazy my gym teacher is for not wanting me to go to college.

2. a quote: Do you know what it means to depend on somebody for your happiness? It is not the mere physical dependence on another which is so binding, but the inward, psychological dependence from which you derive so-called happiness; for when you depend on somebody in that way, you become a slave. Krishnamurti (as seen at kfa.org)

3. today it was rainy. and gross. so i bought yellow pants. (oh, and, yes, i caught him in another lie. i hate liars.)

4. two claps for absolutely positively delicious pumpkin waffles.

5. thank god there is no game on tonight. i'm not ready to put myself through that again; i need a day to recover. ah, the life of a red sox fan is so difficult

i think it's completely wonderful that i've successfully constructed an impermeable wall around myself, impervious to the words/actions of others, they bounce back and i dont even have to hear them because i can just tune them out. this is quite an art- being immune to everything- and i like to think i am quite good at it.

weekend of death.

i did absolutely nothing. i think i have mono. or seasonal depression. or just one of those sunday night i dont want to go to school at all tomorrow attacks.

friday night i had to stay home and work on financial aid stuff for the app. and the app itself. very mad at myself for waiting until the last minute because i missed dan's rocking party at his new space. grrrr

last night i fell asleep around 530 and woke up when my phone rang around 10. oh well. the sleep was nice.

i am impervious. it is incredible. i recommend it to everyone.

today p band played at open house. it was so cold, i was freezing. my hands barely navigated the frets, and i just wanted to curl up near the warmth of the tube amps. i vacillated between volume 1 and 2 and could wait to leave. i think haj was mad at me because i was playing terribly. god i suck. he was like are you okay? you want to go home? and you could just tell he wanted me to. everyone wanted me to. i am so sick and i have no idea what is wrong with me.

i havent even cracked open my physics book and i have a lab due tomorrow.

so it goes.

the house to myself tonight. mom's away this week, dad and shel are at some orchestra thing. took a delicious nap this afternoon, currently watching the game, tasting the egg beaters, red pepper, and tomato omelet i'm going to make in just a few minutes...

i wish i had more energy to write right now. i know i've definitely been lacking lately, i'm sorry. it's just... i don't know... things have just been so messed up and i hate thinking about them so i avoid them altogether and don't write about them here.

i handed in The Application today. even as i was placing all 30 pages gingerly in my four stamped manila envelope, i could feel waves of stress pulsing through my veins. yup. they're still there. and what's worse is now i cant even console myself by going over it again with a fine tooth comb. i've got to just accept it the way it is and start on the rest of them now.

okay, i promise ill start talking about something else now.

how about them sox, aye? had me up until past 2 this morning! everyone was dragging their feet by 4th period today. heck, mine wouldnt even walk me up the stairs to my homeroom! i actually had to turn the game off for a little while last night- they really make it so effing difficult to keep the faith. put it back on after they pulled lowe.

gosh, i'm tired again. a whole 6 minutes of updating'll do that to me i guess. bah. maybe ill try again later.

R assigned this today in these very words: "You have a friend who thinks Christian Service is whack. Write a letter to them."

mwah ha ha haaaaaaaa a wonderful exercise in delicious sarcasm.

Dear Friend,
Obviously you are crazy! In no way is Christian Service “whack”! (By the way, if we are to remain friends, you are going to have to stop saying “whack.”) Once a week, you get to leave school – leave school! – for nearly three whole hours! That is three whole classes and some of a fourth! Clearly anyone that doesn’t appreciate that is of the wrong opinion and “has something wrong with [them]!” It is positively absurd that you would rather attend school than not attend school. Also, sometimes we debate wicked interesting Christian Service related topics, such as whether or not a student’s shoes are in accordance with the dress code set forth in the Academy handbook. It’s great fun! Additionally, I was able to research middle school bullying and make a six slide Powerpoint about it. Plus, you get to make people that don’t like such an invigorating experience feel bad (as I am to you right now.) And with its successful legacy, obviously there is absolutely nothing wrong at all with the way it is run. Forget the fact that times have changed and Christian Service has not adapted to these changes. For instance, more challenging college courses have been initiated at the Academy and you still have to miss them, something you would never really do at the college level. (You can’t even supplement the course with previously earned community service hours or perform your community service after school hours.) The steadfastness of the program merely adds to its staying power and firm foundation in serving others.
Let me tell you about my own Christian Service experience just two weeks ago! Oh, man, I served so many people! It was the predetermined citywide day to explain the four basic rules of the Providence Public school system to the students at Esek Hopkins. Basically, all I had to do was sit at a desk, not say more than two words, and listen to the same set of rules and explanation of the rules for two whole class periods in a row. I know, I know - it wasn’t easy, but somehow I managed, and I feel oh-so-fulfilled now. I can’t even attempt to convey my feelings of accomplishment to you. It’s just something you are going to have to experience yourself (perhaps in the second semester if you are one of the lucky ones.) Just you wait and see how completely, utterly incorrect your personal opinion is!
Your friend, Jess

i didn't come this far for you to make this hard for me.
and now you want to ask me "how?"
it's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?

why did you come here?
you weren't invited.
and you're on the outside - stay on the outside.
and now you want to ask me "why?"
it's like - why does your heart beat, and how do you cry?
how does your heart beat?

and there are some things that i'd like to figure out.
there are some things that i can do without -
like you and your letters that go on forever,
and you, and the people that were never friends.

with all the things that you could be,
you never could learn how to be me.
and now you want to ask me "how?"
it's like - how does your heart beat, and why do you breathe?
how does you heart beat, and why do you breathe?

i know i've talked about them before, but out of body experiences.... i used to get them a lot when i was really little, i distinctly remember one instance in particular. cedar hurst nursery school playground. i was about 4. the slide was metal and directly in the sun. it used to hurt going down it, but the slide was always my favorite, i was never a big fan of that merry go round thing and there were only too-small baby swings, so i sucked it up. i would bend my knees and tuck them in so that no skin was touching the slide, strictly shorts and shoes. arms in the hair, strawberry blonde locks in the wind. slides are so fucking awesome. i can still see myself watching me from the top go down.

this memory is parallel to one i shared with rye about 3 summers ago now, just before freshman year. we walked to the waterman playground. they have bigger swings there (its a middle school), so we took off our sandals and we formed messages in the sand as our toes lazily grazed the mini mountains. swing chain twisting, too hot to even so much as pump. talking about summer reading, did you do it yet? "i'll never be able to run 10 miles." the wooden log bridge. the slides there were plastic. no need to tuck in my feet.

three summers ago and i swear it was just yesterday.
thirteen years ago and i can still see myself. except today i bet i could stretch out my legs on the metal slide and have my feet touch the ground at the bottom as i sat at the top.

and i guess these memories hit me today because right now i kind of feel like im sliding. barefoot.

I'll run in the rain till I'm breathless
When I'm breathless I'll run till I drop, hey
The thoughts of a fool's kind of careless

i wasnt going to post for fear of jinxing but what the hell i can always delete it later if i feel like it!

ohmygodiamsoeffingexcitedrightnowjohnnygotagrandslamandahomerunandithinkimighthavewetmyselfihavethreeteststomorrowandihaventstudiedforanyandforonceIDONTCARE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

world series or bust!

today felt like christmas. if christmas hadnt happened in 18 years.

music theory test was canceled in celebration. wait, no. better than canceled. take home on stuff we've already corrected as a class. :) musicians as teachers are positively wonderful.

lowlights? let's just say that i have strands of black hair. not a lot or anything. not even that dominant. but i am NOT used to seeing that. i'm not sure how i feel about them yet. pic in the future if i get used to them....

i can't stop singing tessie. here it is a la dropkick murphys.

Tessie is the Royal Rooters rally cry
Tessie is the song they always sung
Tessie echoed April through October nights
After serenading Stahl, Dineen and Young
Tessie is a maiden with the sparkling eyes
Tessie is a maiden with the love
She doesn't know the meaning of her sight
She's got a comment full of love
And sometimes when the game is on the line
Tessie always carried them away
Up the road from Third Base to Huntington
The boys will always sing and sway

Two! Three! Four!

Tessie, Nuff Ced McGreevy shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only, only, only

The Rooters showed up at the Grounds one day
They found their seats had all been sold
McGreevy led the charge into the park
Stormed the gates and put the game on hold
The Rooters gave the other team a dreadful fright
Boston's tenth man could not be wrong
Up from Third Base to Huntington
They sang another victory song

Two! Three! Four!

Tessie, Nuff Ced McGreevy shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Tessie, you are the only, only, only

The Rooters gave the other team a dreadful fright
Boston's tenth man could not be wrong
Up from Third Base to Huntington
They sang another victory song

Two! Three! Four!

Tessie, Nuff Ced McGreevy shouted
We're not here to mess around
Boston, you know we love you madly
Hear the crowd roar to your sound
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Boston, you are the only, only, only
Don't blame us if we ever doubt you
You know we couldn't live without you
Red Sox, you are the only, only, only

dear collegeboard,
i win. i always win.
love,
jess

this is the first time since thursday night i've had the chance to sit down at my computer. that's how you know i've been busy...

things are all over the place right now, especially my mind. today was the ALS walk. i went bc of Mrs. Mac and i am so happy i did. afterwards lauren, char, and i went to Mr and Mrs Mac's casa, a literal stone's throw from my school. it was nice, she's got a big family and they were all at the walk too. it's so wonderful that she has all of them standing behind her in her battle against ALS. i cant imagine what it must be like for all of them. or maybe i can, but i really prefer not to because it's easier this way. at any rate, it was a good time.

yesterday was debate. all day. 8-5. loco. jimmy and i tore it upppp though! it went splendidly- we won two and lost one (by a measly one point!) we matched our outfits and looked super intimidating. (except i wore fishnets and he wore, um, pants.) it felt good to get back into debating since i didnt really do well at all last year. i have a feeling this will work out nicely, so that'll be good.

ryan took me to i heart huckabees last night. existential comedies... you know how those go. unless you're like me, and you don't. either way, jude law is so fucking hot. he was in 2 of the 4 movie previews we saw. i can't wait until alfie comes out in a couple of weeks. also there was a preview for ocean's twelve (1 of the 2 jude is not in) and it looks so excellent. <3brad<3

sorry if this all seems too glossy. i'm typing and i find myself saying things like "nice" and "good" too much in this entry. you'll have to excuse me, i just got back from visiting my great aunt in her assisted living home. she is not doing well, not doing well at all and i'm still kind of numb about it. the sky is so grey it hurts my eyes and i just feel like crawling into the darkest corner of my closet and staying there for a good while.

instead i guess ill tackle that calculus then head over lau's for the game :)

ev and i decided that schools should apply to us. we'll make up brochures and t shirts and offer tours twice a day five days a week. "...and this is where jess brushes her hair in the morning, and over here are her favorite books, and over there, her color coordinated jewelry collection..." admissions officers would have to fill out our common app which would include questions such as 'what can you bring to jess?' and 'why do you think jess is the perfect fit for your school?' additionally, we will require each school to pay a small fee: $75 per application, $7 to see my sat scores, and $23 to submit fafsa forms. then we will hold each school in limbo until april 1, 2005. limit one early decision application.

why do i do this to myself? i went to see the yale admissions counselor speak tonight. all i have to say is that everything about yale is perfect.

except the 19,568 person applicant pool for roughly 1,600 spots. do the math- that's less than a 10% admission rate.

low whistle. each time i look at ccri, those drab concrete walls, eerie yellow lights, and airpot style parking lot look better and better.

in other news, lauren's casa last night was most superb. upon a recent visit to whole foods, she and her mom totally stocked up on delicious garlicky hummus, diet coke, yogurt chips (yes that's right. yogurt chips.) chai and all the fixin's. we settled in to watch the game and lau actually had a red sox hat on. i know, i know. i wouldn't've believed it either if i hadn't seen it with my own two eyes.

in regards to last night's game- did anyone else see buckner playing third? what the fuck was upppppppppp?!?!

my aunt's health is getting worse and worse each day. i was never especially close to her or anything, but the woman raised me from the time i was 6 months old and my mother's maternity leave was up. she never married, so we were essentially her only family other than the remaining handful of her 9 brothers and sisters. she lived with my aunt mary ("chu"). auntie c died when i was in 7th grade and that was the single most difficult time i think i've witnessed my family go through. it was so sudden, so unexpected. she was so healthy, walked 3 miles everyday, loved the color purple, died her hair a funky orange-y/red color all her life, and managed to keep up with my sister and i. when she had a heart attack (it runs in the family- 3 of her 4 brothers are dead for the same reason), we were all struck in some way. i personally sought solace in the fact that she did not have to suffer. but at the same time, i developed the doubting faith i still have today. if there is a god how could he just rip us all apart by taking her, the glue of the family, away?

now, seeing my auntie jay in her severely malnourished state, unable to even so much as speak because her lips are so chapped, unable to even hold a plastic cup of water because her wrists are about 3 inches round, unable to even see us visiting her sitting by her side and holding her hands because she's going blind.... it just freaks me out. we sit there in silence not knowing what to do and all i want to do is scream. because in my rage the tears refuse to come. how could this happen to her? one year ago she was shuffling back and forth in her kitchen making lasagna and feeding me chocolate chip cookies and cleaning, god, she was forever cleaning.

now we have to put up a guardrail type thing just so she wont fall out of her bed. how does this happen? sure, she's 90, she's had a good life. why must she go through this just to enter the alleged next phase of her life? why can't i bring myself to say anything when i'm there with her? all i can do is sit there and hold her hand and pray to a deaf higher being that i havent spoken to in years please-dont-let-me-break-her-brittle-bones-as-i-desperately-try-to-hold-on-to-her-please-i'm-sorry.

and then i come home and wallow in self doubt and ask some more why questions. i dont like my answers.

ed norton (of fight club, my love) graduated from yale?

and

last year yale accepted 7 students from their waiting list?

and also

i didn't sleep last night?

The fools of this world prefer to look for sages far away.

They don't believe that the wisdom of their own mind is the sage...

They prefer to look for distant knowledge and long for things in space, buddha-images, light, incense, and colors.

They fall prey to falsehood and lose their minds to insanity.

Bodhidharma

bill mueller is seriously turning into the next buckner. and i don't like it one bit. not one bit.

tonight i had the casa all to myself and made chocolate chip cookies for dinner. some were left over, so i'm totally sharing the wealth tomorrow. joe and i were shamefeacedly caught going to town on this delicious chocolate hazelnut layer cake today in guidance by the notra dame rep. i was so embarassed. the nd rep was the same woman from last year, most pleasant, very helpful.

the yale guy came to my school today. i stopped by to introduce myself again. i seriously have no shame.

missed gym this morning due to a dentist appointment. wisdom teeth? to be removed? in december? (whimper)

i find that all i really want to do lately is read trashy works of "literature" (just finished the newest gossip girl, by the way, it was so good. it took a whole 13 hours to read) and listen to dave matthews and ben harper and sleep and drink tazo passion tea.

ok yeah i guess that's all i really ever want to do, though.

alright, well, the game is on and i just had to walk away for a few minutes, but conditions have since improved, so i'm going to try to watch it again...

oh, p.s. ryan just informed me hendi homecoming is this saturday. so about me not having anything to wear at all....

why don't you show up / make it all alright

where were you when the red sox won the 2004 world series?

what a season. what a team. i love them all. tears in my eyes last night, i'm not gunna lie to you. going to the parade this weekend, uber stoked. (pictures for sure)

i wonder what i'll be able to do with all my free time now! hm, maybe i'll actually start my homework before midnight! *gasp!*

hooray for life:

7:30am, boston, massachusetts, uberjolly

front row, baby.

7:30pm, c-town, rhode island, uberjolly

with my best friend, pre-homecoming like no one else.

(p.s. to tj sorry i'm fat... try to just focus on the shades.)