ev and i decided that schools should apply to us. we'll make up brochures and t shirts and offer tours twice a day five days a week. "...and this is where jess brushes her hair in the morning, and over here are her favorite books, and over there, her color coordinated jewelry collection..." admissions officers would have to fill out our common app which would include questions such as 'what can you bring to jess?' and 'why do you think jess is the perfect fit for your school?' additionally, we will require each school to pay a small fee: $75 per application, $7 to see my sat scores, and $23 to submit fafsa forms. then we will hold each school in limbo until april 1, 2005. limit one early decision application.
why do i do this to myself? i went to see the yale admissions counselor speak tonight. all i have to say is that everything about yale is perfect.
except the 19,568 person applicant pool for roughly 1,600 spots. do the math- that's less than a 10% admission rate.
low whistle. each time i look at ccri, those drab concrete walls, eerie yellow lights, and airpot style parking lot look better and better.
in other news, lauren's casa last night was most superb. upon a recent visit to whole foods, she and her mom totally stocked up on delicious garlicky hummus, diet coke, yogurt chips (yes that's right. yogurt chips.) chai and all the fixin's. we settled in to watch the game and lau actually had a red sox hat on. i know, i know. i wouldn't've believed it either if i hadn't seen it with my own two eyes.
in regards to last night's game- did anyone else see buckner playing third? what the fuck was upppppppppp?!?!
my aunt's health is getting worse and worse each day. i was never especially close to her or anything, but the woman raised me from the time i was 6 months old and my mother's maternity leave was up. she never married, so we were essentially her only family other than the remaining handful of her 9 brothers and sisters. she lived with my aunt mary ("chu"). auntie c died when i was in 7th grade and that was the single most difficult time i think i've witnessed my family go through. it was so sudden, so unexpected. she was so healthy, walked 3 miles everyday, loved the color purple, died her hair a funky orange-y/red color all her life, and managed to keep up with my sister and i. when she had a heart attack (it runs in the family- 3 of her 4 brothers are dead for the same reason), we were all struck in some way. i personally sought solace in the fact that she did not have to suffer. but at the same time, i developed the doubting faith i still have today. if there is a god how could he just rip us all apart by taking her, the glue of the family, away?
now, seeing my auntie jay in her severely malnourished state, unable to even so much as speak because her lips are so chapped, unable to even hold a plastic cup of water because her wrists are about 3 inches round, unable to even see us visiting her sitting by her side and holding her hands because she's going blind.... it just freaks me out. we sit there in silence not knowing what to do and all i want to do is scream. because in my rage the tears refuse to come. how could this happen to her? one year ago she was shuffling back and forth in her kitchen making lasagna and feeding me chocolate chip cookies and cleaning, god, she was forever cleaning.
now we have to put up a guardrail type thing just so she wont fall out of her bed. how does this happen? sure, she's 90, she's had a good life. why must she go through this just to enter the alleged next phase of her life? why can't i bring myself to say anything when i'm there with her? all i can do is sit there and hold her hand and pray to a deaf higher being that i havent spoken to in years please-dont-let-me-break-her-brittle-bones-as-i-desperately-try-to-hold-on-to-her-please-i'm-sorry.
and then i come home and wallow in self doubt and ask some more why questions. i dont like my answers.