smileyjess

this is all your fault. for once, i am not making any excuses for myself. i have tried- multiple times over the past 2 years- to figure out why i am the way i am when it comes to fucking up relationships. in nearly every aspect of my life, i hate looking at the big picture. i much prefer to focus on one certain fault, narrow them all down, reduce them, turn them in a more manageable size. small enough to hide away, to tuck into a back pocket or to sew into the hem of a skirt.

each time i try to center in on whatever the problem is when it comes to my seeming inability to stay involved with someone, i become overwhelmed; there are too many. some, i am perfectly willing to admit, are my fault. but the rest? yours.

why is it your fault?

because: you betrayed me. you lied to me. you lied to others about me. you ignored me. you looked me in the eye and said words that meant nothing. you made me feel as though i was nothing. you gave me false hopes. you played mind games. you didnt even let me say goodbye. you lied. you lied. you lied.

why is it my fault?

because: i trusted you.

i've tried the whole boyfriend thing three more times, but i've run away before granting any real chances. this past june i thought i had managed to wiggle free from the tight fist of the past, but i knew by early august i was wrong. it's like each time something good comes along, you somehow manage to remind me of everything i'm afraid of.

i'm not going to let my past stop me from my future anymore.

because fuck that. your number is blocked on my cell phone, so dont bother there. i know you've got a lot of free time but i dont think you should spend it in your car in a suit and sunglasses with your eyes out for somethingone. i don't really care to talk to you because i honestly don't have anything left to say. and i mean it this time. i don't want to hear any more apologies because i think i've heard enough. nothing means anything to me anymore. you had your chance. sorry, dont try again. i am done. please leave me alone. please.

i say this because (i like to think that) something good has come along. i'm not going to let you ruin it for me again. no. three times has been more than enough, thank you very much.

and you are not even in the biggest picture ever to be drawn. so dont even bother trying to inconspicuously meander your way in from the corner's edge.