smileyjess

two claps for no school today.

ok, back to sleep.

someone said your name yesterday, and i said, "who?" everyone laughed, but i've never been more serious in my life.

a real update perhaps?

friday:

school for the 14th day in a row. gosh, what an exhausting two weeks it has been, eh? work after school, hooray for money. patty picked me up and it was off to shan's for some surprise partying it uppp. we had to hide-park the gumbleymobile on a side street. jon tj ev maeve aaron joe dave shan patty myself and, of course, the birthday boyyyyy, tommmm! tj called me fat and made me stop eating candy. not even joking. i was just that out of controlllllllllll. many laughs, good times, not sure if tom liked it too much though. i'm peritttty sure he was just looking forward to a night alone with shan (sans teej!)

saturday:

445 alarm, 540 bus. front row at the parade, drizzly, dreary weather. but a perfect day of celebration, nice shots of pedro, schilling, manny, johnny, and all of my boys. (ill post them when i'm not too lazy) we actually followed the duck boats all along the route to the charles. oh, i was just so unbelievably excited. bought a johnny is my homeboy shirt. <3j.d.<3 i still can't believe they did it. just the thought brings a huge smile to my face. it's unreal how wonderful it all is... sigh. i love my bosox. we were home around 1, i went for a run (worked off that candy, right?), took a shower, shopped for accessories for the homecoming, took a nap, called patty in a panic (she was asleep!! gasp!), she came over, straightened my hair, and got ready in all of 10 minutes. down to the wire.

i can't believe it's already been three years since rye and i went to our first homecoming back in october of 01. snap, where does that time go? so cliche, but it's crazy! i remember everything about it! being wicked nervous, laughing about the photographer tripping over a random iron, genuine smiles in what is my favorite picture ever, meeting dan, thinking he was hot, meeting the mcmani, cracking up because they're so fucking hilarious, dropping pizza, making a barefoot girl slip in coke, double chocolate peanut butter cake at gregg's post-hc.... sigh... excellent times.

this year rye was feeling a little sick, but we still had an all around great time. the dj, of course, sucked (that's basically to be expected now, though.) kev took a great picture of rye and i passed out at our table. seeing the ever so beautiful kayleigh was a joyous occasion. OH MY GOD. STACEY'S BOYFRIEND IS SO HOT. but his (former?) cocaine addiction is a bit of a turn off... not even kidding... afterwards rye and i hit up the cheesecake factory for some utter heaven manifested in cheesecake form.

sunday:

slept late. was curt schilling (sans crutches) for halloween. rye was robin (of batman and robin). liz (aka "clinkerbell") joined us for a bit and was... well, we're not quite sure, but definitely not a man (which is what someone actually asked her).

monday:

worked, ran, showered, slept, ate, application-ed it uppp. lauren's celebration of early application deadline was rescheduled (the head cheerleader forgot today was the first round of soccer playoffs... i find this hilarious!!! :) ) so i think i'm going to go read vogue and call it an early night.

tomorrow?

nick's casa, then shan patty and steph will share their glorious presences a casa mia to work on our dia de los muertos altar.

if you can, go vote, mofo. dont make me have to kick your ass, beavis.

i'm smiling for no reason. but it's really just all the sugar i've consumed combined with the fact i only have three hours of school this week. yeah that's right. let's go through my week:

monday: off
tuesday: off
wednesday: on
period e: free
period f: physics (doesn't count)
period g: basically a free because it's dia de los muertos
period a: short period english (i love english, so it doesn't count either)
period b: music theory
period c: free (I LOVE SENIOR PRIVILEGE- i get to leave school at 1245 tomorrow)
thursday: new york city (which red sox shirt should i wear?)
friday: off

alrighty. can i just say that the day of the dead project shannon, patty, steph and i did today just completely rocks my socks off? plus, it was a fun time making it. we dedicated our altar to evita peron (former first lady of argentina, you know, from the madonna movie?) the amazing artist steph had the brilliant idea to make a stained glass effect on our backboard with tissue paper and glue. that was going kind of slow, until steph knocked over our glue/ water concotion and it went ALL OVER THE BOARD. the four of us scrambled to rip shreds of tissue paper and glue them down, stat. glitter was also applied, and a whole paper written in spanish was tossed together in twenty minutes. also i made paper flowers from coach and victoria's secret gift paper. and dia de los muertos bread for extra credit.

seriously everything came out so well, i'm so happy. if you have a free at all tomorrow stop by and check it out in the auditorium.

also today went over nicks this morning to write pep band chords, etc. (40 something songs!) and also to ryan's (after everyone left tonight) to recount his recent exploits.

i still have to write 3 page christian service paper that counts as my final. R is lucky if i dedicate more than 15 minutes of my time to it. have i meantioned i hate that class? i am still grappling with the whole "mandatory volunteerism" concept... i think i'm going to focus on that time he felt the need to pull me out of my spanish class to yell at me for arriving late and missing c.s.... yes.... i've got a lot to write about that... or the time we spent a whole class period talking about whether or not laura's shoes were in dress code...

i am hanging out with my favorite hendricken gangster tomorrow and i cannot wait to see him.

dear george w.,
i just wanted to let you know that i hate you more than overly recited jerry maguire quotes (which is a wicked friggin lot)
sincerely,
jess

i close my eyes and there you are. no, not you. you.

and i lie awake for hours at a time but with my eyes closed, longing for it to be real. i can literally feel my heart jump.

i want to reach out and pull you to me more than anything else. i want to hold you, feel your backbone through the thinness of your worn t shirt, glide my fingertips along the inside of your arm (as softly as guitar calloused fingertips are able to glide which is to say... not very).

let me dance in your palm.

i know i am not the best listener, but you will speak, and i will not (for once!) i sit here typing this with said cracked fingertips and a silent vow to stop biting my nails, and i hear your voice inflection and i cannot help but smile. i want to hold your head in my lap and listen to all the random shit you spit out and massage your temples and just be. just. be.

this time though your eyes are closed, and i will not want to blink, if even for a nanosecond. if i do, you may go away.

Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
And there are times
I lose my worried mind?

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
And words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when
I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

i definitely think i have mono. friday night i made plans to engage in typical teenage activity (when one of said teenagers has a boyfriend over 21 and is therefor eligible to buy items i at 17 am not) but instead fell asleep in my empty house. jon called to see what time i'd be picking him up to head on over to madeleines aaaaaaaaaaand i was fast asleep. i didnt even do anything last week!

oh, speaking of which, for only having 3 hours of school this past week i have at least 10 times that amount of homework to get done today. ::shoots self:: i <3 procrastinating.

oh, the nyc trip was a good time. other than the ridiculous bus rides with too- loud people at insane hours (5 am) and the unbelievable headache i had when i got home. madeleine and i had an awesome time looking in stores we cannot afford (bergdorf's, vuitton, gucci, versace, coach, the list spans all of 5th ave between 37th and 57th streets basically) and then hit up sephora, where we each got makeovers and spent way too much money on stuff i know i'll never have the patience to use. my shopping bag included: you rebel moisturizer, benetint blush, powder eye shadow in me, myself, and i, and mr. right now, and then on an impulse while waiting in line i splurged on a paula dorf brust set. we met the whole gang at our previously scheduled hard rock cafe dinner (i hate that place, their food is nasty and the only good part was seeing an autographerd photo of bob marley. i doubt it was even real, though.)

last night rye and i decided a trip to the beach was in order. i stopped at nana's to get us some delicious homemade pizza (this time my house and cabinets were both empty!) and visit my lil cousins jacknmatt (i went to their soccer game yesterday morning, it was so adorable to watch 5 and 6 year olds play "soccer," or "chase the ball around in a large group") then rye picked me up, we made hot chocolate and grabbed blankets, sweatshirts, mittens, hats, and gloves, and drove to narragansett around 9. it was so beautiful out. very dark, you could only see maybe 30 feet in front of you ? (actually, i have no idea, but it was very dark.) there were so many stars out. we sat and sipped and talked for a good 40 minutes before i lost feeling in my woolensocked toes. back in pandora, we blasted the heat and the music.

back a su casa, it was chocolate milk and the breakfast club. awesome flick.

now i am off to study for a chapter test on calculus that i have no recollection of ever being taught. sure, it was. i have no idea where i was for it, though. wish me luck.

Going Away to College by Blink 182 (because it's my blog and i'll do what i want)
Please take me by the hand
It's so cold out tonight
I'll put blankets on the bed
I won't turn out the lights
Just don't forget to think about me
And I won't forget you
"I'll write you once a week," she said

Why does it feel the same
To fall in love or break it off?
And if a young love is just a game
Then I must have missed the kick-offDon't depend on me
To ever follow through on anything but
I'd go through Hell for you and

I haven't been this scared, in a long time
And I'm so unprepared
So here's your Valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words
A simple melody
This world's an ugly place
But you're so beautiful to me

I think about the times
She kissed me after class and
She put up with my friends
I acted like an asswipe
ditched my lecture
To watch the girls play soccer
Is my picture
Still hanging in her locker?

I haven't been this scared
In a long time
And I'm so unprepared
So here's your Valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words
A simple melody
This world's an ugly place
But you're so beautiful..

I haven't been this scared
In a long time
And I'm so unprepared
So here's your Valentine
Bouquet of clumsy words
A simple melody
This world's an ugly place
But you're so beautiful..

i <3 this poem. i cut it out of a magazine when i was like 11. i wish i could write like this. rock on to whomever is the author.

an ode to the end of something

whatever it is
that ended
left its mark
on your face.
even in the snow
in the light
that bounces
from drifts and filters
through tree branches,
your eyes are
darker than I remember,
even from yesterday.
whatever it is
that ended
i can feel in the
dark as we walk
and snow accumulates
on our shoulders,
on the hood of your coat.
it falls on your bluing
lips before you lick it
away and dissolves
in your mouth.
whatever it is
that ended
has created miles
so impossibly far
in length, gulfs
of space that I couldn’t surf
across.
maybe if we were
in Hawaii,
whatever it is
that ended would
seem luscious and mysterious
but here and now it is just
cold and dark; moving
through night and day
like smoke.

c. collins

how could i have forgotten!!!!!!!!

corey and i went to h&m on fifth ave together last thursday to rekindle the flame that commenced our friendship. although neither of us made a purchase, it was AMAZING.

every time i see a karl lagerfield ad in my dog eared copies of vogue, i think of corey. and this is for him. because he rocks my socks.

today, somehow, in the middle of physics, defying the laws of gravity and free fall and fashion know how, my fishnets got twisted in the sequins of my hot pink suede moccasins.

yeah. don't ask how. just. accept.

so have you all heard? area private all boys high school administrator, aged 39 and balding, recently busted for seducing 14 year old central falls boys in gay online chatrooms? no? oh, well, pretend you didn't hear it here.

oh, god, i'm developing a gossip girls esque style of spreading news. except... this is no rumor. it was on the news. yes that's right (name omitted) busted for general perversion. no wonder he used to get mad when bill and rach didnt have rides home on time from school sponsored dances; he had some chatting to get to. emails to check.

today i watched tv for the first time in aproximadamente one month. and i kind of feel like killing myself. it was vh1's behind the music: spice girls. save it. i dont even want to hear it. because you know you would have gotten sucked into it, too. i honestly can say that i am not one of the poor, mislead 40 million souls that purchased any of their albums (hanson, yes. backstreet boys, yes. fucking 98 degrees [okay, no, nick is still popular, right? so that doesnt really count...], yes. spice girls, no fricken way.) yes somehow the lives of ginger sporty baby posh and... hmm... there's another one... were fascinating enough to hold my attention for a full 60 minutes, with commercials and the occasional channel change to dr phil.

[ed. note: mattie just alerted me, it's scary spice. only the best props to mattie for actually knowing this, and admitting it.]

oh, i heard the funniest thing ever today. someone tried to get ap credit for a non-ap course. i nearly laughed my head off when ev told me. silly children.

um, i wicked want to see the polar express. is everybody cool with that?

my spanish foreign exchange student arrives tomorrow night. what's that? i haven't mentioned that? yeah, it could be because i thought she was arriving next week. however, the 10th of november (el diez de diciembre) has launched a sneak attach upon me, and lo! i have lost the battle.

i'm uber nervous. (tengo MUCHO miedo.) i have no idea what i'm going to talk about. "Mi casa es tu casa!" will get old pretty fast, i'm thinking. patty is going with me to pick her up on thursday. it'll be good to have company in the car, otherwise it would probably be kind of quiet. what kind of music do spanish people like? i know he's mexican, but all that comes to mind is santana. i'll have to toss supernatural in my car tomorrow... note to self: toss supernatural in the car tomorrow.

fellow rhode islanders: where does one take a foreign exchange student? it's not like there are many sights... email, im, or comment and let me know because otherwise it's going to be a long 15 days.

not to mention a lot of santana.

keeping uber busy! ines arrived thursday morning and ryan patty steph and i were all there to pick her up. dropped rye and steph off at risd to work on their portfolios, then headed with patty and ines (pronounced IN-ays) to the mall to buy shoes and lunch. thursday night i was invited to the lsa hall of fame dinner, so i took her to that.

by the way, she is awesome. she speaks english so well and i am very relieved. patty slept over last night and we watched a movie (with spanish subtitles for ines), but she fell asleep around 8 o clock! (it was 2 am her time). so then patty and i watched waynes world. awesome movie.

today it snowed. it doesn't snow where ines is from (valladolid, spain). so she's very excited. i, however, have been around snow for 17 winters now and it has kind of lost its charm. no me gusta nada cuando nieva.

anyways, it's going to be pretty busy around here euntil the 30th, which is the way i like it (no time to think about a certain letter due to arrive on december 15th from my single choice early action universidad...) today i have my first acadec practice (nerd, but whatever. the 'most likely to succeed' nerd. OHHHH!!!!! what now!) then i think we're going over mis abuelos so ines can meet um, my entire family (haha, then to the airport so she can go right back to spain!!!! jk jk. sort of.) tomorrow there hay un partido de futbol americano a mi escuela, so we will probably go. also my sister has a concert in newport. also i have about 6 applications more to go, plus some heavy duty spanish homework... but i have help now at least!

i'll post some pics as soon as i take some!

some pictures from the snow we received on saturday. yes, that's right. the 13th of november. a hefty amount, at that. at least 4 inches here in c-town. terrible pictures from my window because i didnt want to leave the comfort of mi casa.

and for those of you who are curious about ines...

something funny is going on with my heart. i don't know if it is my imagination, but sometimes, it seems almost... off kilter, off beat. like a broken metronome, if you will. i'm thinking i should look into this?

today i wanted to cry in music theory. mr. b was going crazy because his son, mikey (aged 7 months? 8 months? yo no recuerdo...) might have had a seizure this morning. he was waiting for a call from the doctor, and was in no mood to teach about inverted sevenths and thirds, so instead we watched an episode of austin city limits with robert randolph and the family band (incredible! i saw them open at my first dave concert freshman year). i don't know mr. b very well, but well enough by association through andy will and john. we saw his band perform el verano pasado and i really do enjoy his class a lot. (plus, he hates bush mucho. an A+ in my book! but i digress...) it really sucked to see him in so anxious, so tense, pacing all around the room, cell phone in his death grip, repeatedly muttering i hate this i hate this i hate this. it tore me to pieces.

it's weird when you are reminded that teachers have feelings, isnt it?

more later...

this link explaining the yale admissions process is hilarious. gracias a patty!

patty0287: ok so i was lookng at the yale admissions web site
SmileyJess13: no no no dont scare me
patty0287: and for part of it there are pictures to explain how to apply
patty0287: if u can't read i don't reccomend applying there lol
patty0287: it's like come on, yale people are smart!

i saw a picture of you today. and it hurt more than i expected it to. i am by no means an actress, so i am honestly not exaggerating when i say that it was sudden, unexpected, and i inhaled sharply. i could feel my heart skip. seriously. whether or not it was my imagination... i do not know. i tried to focus on the movie we were watching in class - an ideal husband. i might as well have been watching como agua para chocolate. my thoughts tensed up, frozen like the ice on my window, slipping and sliding around one another, my mind denying them, every last one of them, entrance. do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars.

how the fuck are they here now?

i was the one that didnt want this, remember? yet for some inexplicable reason i find myself wishing i had someone with whom to share my senior year. so that i can reflect on it and be like yeah, wow, what a great year.... hooray for high school. not that life's not going well or anything. it's just... well, it's always nice when you have someone right? (unless they're all sorts of paranoid slash possessive. wow. ain't that the pot calling the kettle black.) someone to drag along to bridget jones 2 or alfie. someone to share a locker with. or someone to surprise me after school. someone to go sledding with during the first snow (and for a moment, someone to make me forget how much i hate it). someone to be there if i dont hear what i want to hear in 30 days. (something i've wanted to hear for, oh, 3 years or so now.) someone to comiserate over college apps about. someone to remind me that its okay that i have not the slightest clue about what i want to do with my future. ("what do you want to do?" "i want to be a pediatrician." but do i?)

but at the same time, i have no time. none. ever. at all. actually, i have negative time. so it's better this way. in fact, right now, while i sit here wishing someone was thinking of me, someone whose heart i made skip, someone who's due to call me any minute now, i'm supposed to be doing a physics lab.

so how about we just forget i ever typed anything? because remember, i have no needs or wants.

or time, for that matter.

mi dia fue muy excelente.

d. calculus - asi asi
e. libre- muy bien
f. fisica - facil
g. espanol - vio una pelicula con personas desnudas y caballos; periodo corto
a. ingles - aquila la pelicula "an ideal husband" ahora!!!
b. libre - muy bien

after school patty, ines, mike, tj, and some kid mark/greg (no recuerdo) jumped joes car. then we looked at castles in lincoln.

ines and i then proceeded to shop. i bought my mom flowers because i thought she needed some flowers. (she had to tackle a very important exam for her job today.) i also felt the need to buy myself blue earrings. because i dont think i own enough blue stuff.

later, nick came over. we jammed un poquito. somewhere in the middle of some stone temple pilots, spain called. despues, more jamming ensued. then we all ate. and it was good.

right now i am listening to led zeppelin and am metaphorically high as a kite. i have no idea why. i havent felt this genuinely happy for no reason in i dont know how long.

OH! that reminds me! matt burned his bangs with a blunt. this is HILARIOUS.

i have done no homework. and have no plans to. second quarter doesnt realllllllllly count, does it? oh whats that? colleges still see your grades? college? am i going to that?

"when i'm breathless i run till i drop...." finish the lyric without cheating in my archives and ill love you forever and ever, amen. light of the love that i found.

total diet coke count for the day: 1.5 liters. desayuno, almuerzo, cena.

como fue tu dia? tell me all about it. i'd love to hear it. porque tu eres el mejor. te quiero.

i wrote some more stuff. maybe someday i will tell you all about it. only if you are good, though.

i typed a big long entry composed of run on sentences and cutthroat phrases, ultimatums that shattered hopes, enigmatic emotions manifested through my limited vocabulary before they slipped away, away, through my fingertips, forces pulling them down, names unknown, obscure shadows melting with the sun along the horizon, broken pencils and torn muscles, so tired, very very tired and sick as the worn out soles of these old running shoes scrape along the concrete lactic acid burning through my veins and i can still taste the blood in my mouth holding back my tongue, directing all pain to one place.

and now i am done. nothing but an old diary and some pictures and scratched cd's and evaporated tears, invisible to most.

this has been echoing in my head all day:

"Somewhere in the back of my brain there exists this certainty: The body is no more than a costume, and can be changed at will. The changing of bodies, like costumes, will make me into a different character, a character who might, finally, be alright." mh

high and dry
radiohead <3

Two jumps in a week, I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy.
Flying on your motorcycle, watching all the ground beneath you drop.
You'd kill yourself for recognition; kill yourself to never ever stop.
You broke another mirror; you're turning into something you are not.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation, you will be the one who cannot talk.
All your insides fall to pieces, you just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you when you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you. You will be the one screaming out.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you've ever had, the best thing that you've ever, ever
had.
It's the best thing that you've ever had; the best thing you've had has gone away.

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

everythings so much easier when i pretend to myself that i dont care. a big thanks for reminding me why i dont believe in second chances.

it never ceases to amaze me just how much i take for granted. i'm sorry.

well, pep band season is now upon us. we kicked it off last night with a providence college game (vs. st. thomas aquinas). it was fucking awesome, everyone sounded so fucking good. corey was mvp (two claps! two more!) we had three guitars going, haj did a kick ass jam with nick corey and will on them changes (the hendrix lick). my personal favorite was when we played cream's politician. my hand cramped up like whoa during peter gunn, but general good times were had all around. corey's girlfriend sarah was home for the weekend (she goes to school in upstate ny) and with her came tropical starburst (hooray for corey being good at sharing) beth and a friend also came and surprised nick. and chris p was there too but didn't feel like saying hi to me. oh, and who can forget emile, our pep band roadie!

on the bus back to escuela rain pounded the pavement outside and nick covered the peavey classic with a bunch of those terribly gaudy hawaiian shirts. (thank god the wonderful senior council we have this year opted to purchase more normal clothes.) will sniffled in the seat next to me and we all talked about what a great year it's going to be and how next year the band is screwed because we currently don't have an underclassmen bassist. oh, woe is me.

as usual, everyone was off to the creamery after we had unpacked all of our amps, music stands, extension cords, and set up the drumset. it was about 1030. with ines here, i haven't been working much, and can barely rub two pennies together, plus i felt kind of inexplicably shitty, so i bowed out. in retrospect, this makes me look bad. it being the first game of the season (and a big one at that- we were on espn!) and me being a senior, i really should have been there.

but i had to see rye. i think my sudden onset depression was due to ryan withdrawal syndrome, a terrible illness that afflicts those who do not see their b.f.f. (best.friend.foreva!) for nearly a week. we ate, we talked, and i was home around 1230 i think. i dont know. at any rate, i was so exhausted and too tired to even change into my pajamas, so i turned on some comedy central and fell asleep on the couch in minutes.

sunday consisted of scholarship applications, calculus confusion, my sister's orchestra concert (where her boyfriend gave her a beautiful single red rose and my self esteem dropped about 83714878597892758 points), and fire and ice. oh, i picked up ines around 11 this morning, i missed her so much!!! (shes been in nyc with the other 11 spanish exchange students and their teacher since saturday morning.) it's good to have her back, she leaves in like a week! i already know im going to miss her like a mofo. on thursday, i think we're hitting up the thanksgiving football game, then dinner at my house, then dessert at my aunt and uncle's house, and then friday morning we're going to nyc (patty's coming too!) we'll stay at the apartment friday night, then return on saturday. (i have to finish up my stanford application on sunday.)

i don't know how i'm going to make it through this week. good thing it ends at noon on wednesday.

somewhere only we know by keane

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
somewhere only we know?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know?...

Many dreams come true and some have silver linings
I live for my dream and a pocketful of gold

i love when i write shit at 330 in the morning that goes along the lines of "i fucking love you asshole."

really, i'm so pleasant though arent i?

one and a half more days and i dont know how i'm going to get through this... maybe some green tea and dave matthews and a day off wednesday are all in order? hmmm....

i have so much more to write and no words with which to say anything.

oh, my interviewer emailed me today. i'm going to meet him next week.

is this really all happening?

veintitres.

the other night i posted one of those jumpy no one has any idea what i'm talking about entries. a friend emailed me and asked me to try to see if i could write some more about what i was feeling at that time. that same day my old english teacher told me to try to write something that began with the quote "the worst came after you left." it was more of just an exercise in stream of consciousness than writing, really.

i try.

feel free to also. comment, email, im anonymously. i'd love to see where other people go with that first line. (that's why my teacher wanted me to try it.) you'll probably end up surprising yourself.

just finished reading a rather bland "novel" - the pilot's wife - by anita shreve. i don't suggest reading it if you're more of a gossip girls or requiem for a dream type, which is the spectrum of basically all of my friends. i don't know - it was given to me for free, and i ate it up in 3 days, so i guess that says something for it. i haven't read any of her other stuff, so take my comments with a grain of salt because (as usual!) i really don't have any idea what i'm talking about.

i watched oprah today because robert downey jr was on it. random jess fact: my mom's love of rdj has been passed down to me over the past years so i was actually... cough cough... looking forward to it?

which reminds me... today in english there was extra credit for the most original symbol of thanksgiving? it being english class, i suggested The Tell Tale Turkey, an animal rights activist (like poe's tell tale heart... hey, cut me some slack, i don't plan to go into advertising, mmmmkay?) it was ultimately decided tj's was the best though- he suggested oprah becase she's 'all about the giving' and 'plus, she's got that hanging neck thing going on too.'

60 minutes of school tomorrow. fuck. yes.

i can only hope this is true...

Aries: You're likely to have excellent results whenever you do
anything to wriggle out of your "mind-forg'd manacles," slip away from
your volunteer slavery, or break free from your self-imposed
incarceration. When you look back on your life from the perspective of
next year, you will probably call December your Month of Liberation.

(freewillastrology.com)

aside from the fact that i forgot to call my interviewer and tie him down to a date, place, and time for my interview which must be completed before december 1st, today went excellently.

highlights of my 60 minute school day include: wearing down my physics teacher until she finally just did my extra credit homework for me, watching the simpsons in english (the one where they are on a reality show and have to live like its 1895?), and doing absolutely nothing in music theory (same ol, same ol).

afterwards it was to the mall with everyone's favorite heroin(e) - she really is just like a drug - madeleine! there we dropped ines off with some of her spanish friends who did invite us to hang out with them but we politely declined so as to spend some quality time with jon and rob. it was decided that rob looks like the offspring of john mayer and tobey maguire if they ever were to mate. we made people extremely uncomfortable in the nordstrom cafe (where they refused to sell jon the soup that was right in front of him, and denied me my yogurt parfait. fucking i hate the nordstrom cafe now! they never have any of the food they claim to have and when they do actually have it, you aren't allowed to buy it... hmmm.... peculiarrrrrrr.... [strokes chin, pondering this 8th mystery of the world].) we people watched, we pretended to be gossip girls, jon and his amazing gaydar successfully pinpointed all off- limits, well- dressed, and well- groomed beautiful pretty boys. we were getting some weird looks, so we jetted after an hour imbibing unhealthful amounts of diet coke and tearing apart cranberry muffins.

afterwards, jon and rob wanted to see the grudge, and i had to head home, so madeleine and i rounded up ines and back to my house it was. i slept, watched dr. phil (i wicked hate him), and unsuccessfully attempted to help my mom with her pre-thanksgiving (dia de accion de gracias) ritualistic preparation. she seemed stressed, so i ordered two large pizzas, called patty, called lauren, called jon, and invited them all over for an evening of chilling to the maxxx.

stomachs satisfied and stories aside, we put in se7en, which jon had so generously brought over for us.

okay, those of you who were in our ap chem class last year (period c), you know how much this movie means to us. discussed at length in one of the latter labs of last year, it was decided that we would celebrate the end of ap chem (moniker: HELL) with a self indulgent night admiring the gorgeous image of the one and only brad pitt (moniker: GOD) and grossing ourselves out by watching this sick and twisted psychological thriller of a masterpiece harbinger for horror films everywhere.

tonight, ladies and gentlemen, was that night of glorious celebration. lauren made a wonderfully delicious chocolate cake with the most luxurious chocolate frosting (for which we momentarily paused the movie in between sins 3 and 4 [sloth and lust] to devour, of course).

if you haven't seen it already, go rent this movie. now. aquilala ahora! unless you're not into sick and twisted pschological harbingers of thriller films. i didnt think i was either, but it was so incredibly well done. the whole time you're just so absorbed in the film and all you can think about is "who the eff wrote this ish?"

let's just say... it makes fight club look like the glee club. sitting there with patty lauren and jon i cant honestly say ive ever been so fucking scared because of a movie in my own home ever.

think of it as a sneak preview:

John Doe: Wanting people to listen, you can't just tap them on the shoulder anymore. You have to hit them with a sledgehammer, and then you'll notice you've got their strict attention.

William Somerset: Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world is a fine place and worth fighting for." I agree with the second part.

John Doe: It seems that envy is my sin.

John Doe: Become vengeance, David. Become wrath.

William Somerset: [Reading from one of John Doe's journals] On the subway today, a man came up to me to start a conversation. He made small talk, a lonely man talking about the weather and other things. I tried to be pleasant and accommodating, but my head hurt from his banality. I almost didn't notice it had happened, but I suddenly threw up all over him. He was not pleased, and I couldn't stop laughing.

you wake up in a cold sweat. your eyes are sewn shut with dried up tears, salt in an open wound. every single fucking muscle in your body aches. you dont want to move a quarter of an inch. the sun is too bright behind the darkness of your eyelids, the birds too loud in the tree outside your window. your legs: paralyzed; the sheets: too heavy. you've started sleeping with your arms underneath the pillow again, leaving knots in that point at the nape of your neck, across your shoulders, at the tip of your backbone. your fingers are totally numb, oops, hair elastic around the wrist again.

it is your first nightmare in months.

is it that one with you fall off a bridge? are embarassed in the caf? lose a loved one? get shot?

no, silly! its the one where you get the rejection letter of DEATH! of course!

most of you probably know how it goes- be it through your own nightmare, or - even worse, somehow - a daymare. there's the farce of thick envelope in the mailbox, the eager anticipation pumping in your veins, you can feel that pulse in your neck. you open it, and out fall some forms. amidst the white papers, though, is the stark contrasting black 3x5 mini postcard thing. and on it is a skull and crossbones. it is the personal letterhead of the admission officer!!!!

WHAT A JOKE YOUR APPLICATION WAS- THANKS FOR THE LAUGH! DONT EVER THINK ABOUT APPLYING TO OUR SCHOOL AGAIN- WE HAVE COMPLETELY ERASED YOUR NAME FROM OUR DATABASE FOREVER. NICE TRY... ASS.

somehow you manage a chuckle at the norm foreman like ending (god, how i love that 70's show) before the floodgates open and a new ark has to be built. the embarassment floods every nook and cranny of your absolute being, and you are sure that you are slowly sinking, sinking, sinking into an abyss of emptiness (cue smashing pumpkins song here). you are somehow on fire, also. that stupid bitch from who the fuck knows where says "i told you so."

you groggily rejoice when your mom wakes you up to ask what kind of bagel you prefer. you seek solace in the slow mantra "its okay its alright everything happens for a reason" for the next 30 minutes or so, still unable to open your eyes. you literally fall out of bed with the weight of your legs and sit in the tub with the water on max hotness. the knots loosen and feeling returns to your fingertips momentarily.

a good 2 or 3 years has been taken off of your life with one night's sleep.

and well, this kind of thing is good for you, you tell yourself. nothing can be as bad as that.

can you blame me for not wanting to blink?

Why by Annie Lennox
(she totally rocks my socks)

How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey... this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me...
Why
Why

I may be mad
I may be blind
I may be viciously unkind
But I can still read what you're thinking
And I've heard is said too many times
That you'd be better off
Besides...
Why can't you see this boat is sinking
(this boat is sinking this boat is sinking)
Let's go down to the water's edge
And we can cast away those doubts
Some things are better left unsaid
But they still turn me inside out
Turning inside out turning inside out
Tell me...
Why
Tell me...
Why

This is the book I never read
These are the words I never said
This is the path I'll never tread
These are the dreams I'll dream instead
This is the joy that's seldom spread
These are the tears...
The tears we shed
This is the fear
This is the dread
These are the contents of my head
And these are the years that we have spent
And this is what they represent
And this is how I feel
Do you know how I feel ?
'cause i don't think you know how I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
I don't think you know what I feel
You don't know what I feel

(in no particular order)

highlight number 1: a scary man walking up to mrs. g. and saying "hey beautiful. i want to be your best friend!" the proceeding to follow us and asking pertinent information, such as where we live and what our phone numbers are. we would have loved to just dodge this strange man, however, this was not as easy as one may think. we were crammed in the day after thanksgiving holiday sidewalk pedestrian traffic. should we have stepped off the curb, we would have been killed by insane taxi drivers and typical day after thanksgiving and every other day of the year nyc street traffic.

highlight number 2: getting a free ride on the subway.

highlight number 3: 12 pashmina scarves and 4 bags

highlight number 4: running into jack reed at some random 5th ave tea store muy cerca de tiffany's.

highlight number 5: taxi ride from hell. seriously. someone tried to cut us off, but our driver would have none of that. finally the other car was at a 120 angle to us and managed to get in front as our driver slammed on his breaks and whiplash was experienced all around. the two of our cars reached a red light, and the driver (now in front of us) actually got out of his car to make sure we were all okay, to which our driver responded angrily with an overzealous yes! and a you better be more careful next time! we all drove off, a happy ending because all lived.

highlight number 6: radio city music hall christmas spectacular orchestra seats at half price

highlight number 7: running into paul shafer (david letterman's drummer) at sharper image in rockefeller plaza and talking to him for a minute

highlight number 8: patty's mom bruising my arms as she grabbed me to protect herself from the crazy squirrels at our apartment

highlight number 9: the crazy squirrels at our apartment eating dry roasted peanuts from ines' hand

highlight number 10: as we were leaving the city, there were long lines at the toll. mrs g remarked to my mother "you can't depart without beeping the horn at least once!" so, as someone tried to cut off my mom in the toll line (ours was going faster than the other, i guess), she decided to beep. the guy then proceeded to take out his car club and threateningly shake it at us while staring menacingly at us in his rear view window.

highlight number 11: my mom actually saying "oh! i think he means his directional is broken!"

highlight number 12: the bumper sticker on his car that said kiss my ass

i <3 new york.

dear jon you are my hero. save me a spot at butler, okay, love? yours forever, "blondie"

Regina George


Which Mean Girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Todos nacemos con una caja de cerillas en nuestro interior pero no la podemos encender nosotros solos, necesitamos como en este experimento, de oxigeno y ayuda de una vela y en nuestro caso el oxigeno debe provenir,.... por ejemplo, .... del aliento de la persona amada.

La luz de la vela puede ser cualquier cosa, una melodía, una palabra, una caricia, un sonido...infinidad de cosas, algo que dispare el detonador y encienda una de las cerillas, ... cada persona tiene que descubrir cuales son sus detonadores para poder vivir, ya que la combustión que se realiza al encenderse una de ellas es lo que nutre de energía al alma, ... si no hay detonador ... la caja de cerillas se humedece y ya nunca podremos encender una sola de ellas.

Hay muchas maneras de poner a secar una caja de cerillas húmeda, claro que también es muy importante encender las cerillas una por una, ya que si por una intensa emoción llegáramos a encender todas de un solo golpe, se produce un resplandor tan fuerte que aparece ante nuestros ojos un túnel esplendoroso que nos muestra el camino que olvidamos al nacer ... y que a la vez nos llama para encontrar nuestro perdido origen divino.

well, ines left today. i'm ubersuperdepressed about it. having her living with us for the past three weeks was, to say the least, fucking awesome. nobody argued, everyone was polite, i ate three balanced meals a day, and we all did stuff out of the ordinary, like sing annie lennox (wtf) and u2 (oo dos) and beyonce (which is still very much stuck in my head... make me lose mah breath...).

she brought so many gifts for my family and i - valladolid wine, a huge book of her beautiful country that makes me just want to up and leave american every time i glance at it as it sits on our coffee table (with no coffee around it because no one wants to ruin it), food, food, more food, candy, and other assorted unique cosas de espana. we sent her home with a ton of stuff too - pictures, mementos, ropa nueva, a photography book of rhode island, personal notes that i translated into spanish (mas o menos bien...), wine from sakonnet vineyards (in lil compton), and hopefully some memories tossed in there. as well as all the important vocabulary. heh.

and now she's gone. and it wicked just sucks. i can't explain it. my sister started crying last night, and ines was bawling over breakfast. i somehow managed to hold the tears back until we were at school and all the other spanish exchange students and hosts and patty (heck, she was a host practically too!) released them.

i am proud to say that she was the last one to get on the bus because she refused to leave and kept repeating "vale! adios hermano javier!" (okay! goodbye brother javier! <--- the teacher that accompanied them from spain.) and tugging me slightly back towards lsa entrance.

god, i really just hate saying goodbye. i am so terrible at it. the tears seem forced and are always completely inopportune. i didnt really cry until she was gone.

espero que yo puedo visitar a ella durante el verano proximo.

i ended up leaving school after 4th period. headache. really though i just wanted to get home and sleep because all i had after period a was lunch, assembly from a rape victim's perspective, and free. knowing that the rape victim assembly would just augment my depressed state of mind, i opted to drive home and take some benadryl. after all... i had my interview to prepare for!!!!!

nothing like getting it down to the wire - the deadline was 1 december! but i made it, and that's all that matters. the guy - an lsa alum - was totally chill and comfortable. we met at a starbucks and had apple ciders and sat in comfy chairs and talked about traveling to greece and about a mexican woman who loved him and about ryan's picture on my nana's family wall. i told him why i wanted to go to his alma mater, and he was happy, and all was good. it lasted over an hour and a half, and i didn't even need to talk about "how sept 11th affected me?" or "what can i offer (the school here)?" or "what do i think of the political situation in the ukraine?" (*questions similar to those my dear amigo corey had to endure during his upenn interview*) and it was not the disastrous situation that blair had to endure in gossip girls #4. (and if you do not know what i am talking about, maybe you should pick up trashy juvenile novels about 5th avenue princesses in penthouses with pashminas more often!!!!!!!!)

afterwards, ryan (who had his interview up at bates today) and i, both all dressed up (hooray pinstripe pants and power ties) went out for dinner and then to borders to get lost among the shelves for a little bit. it was very much needed, i hadnt seen rye in nearly over a week or so. que terrible.

i feel stupid because i havent done any homework and i just want to sleep until mid december.

does anyone care to explain to me just how in the world it is already december? thannnnnnks!