you wake up in a cold sweat. your eyes are sewn shut with dried up tears, salt in an open wound. every single fucking muscle in your body aches. you dont want to move a quarter of an inch. the sun is too bright behind the darkness of your eyelids, the birds too loud in the tree outside your window. your legs: paralyzed; the sheets: too heavy. you've started sleeping with your arms underneath the pillow again, leaving knots in that point at the nape of your neck, across your shoulders, at the tip of your backbone. your fingers are totally numb, oops, hair elastic around the wrist again.
it is your first nightmare in months.
is it that one with you fall off a bridge? are embarassed in the caf? lose a loved one? get shot?
no, silly! its the one where you get the rejection letter of DEATH! of course!
most of you probably know how it goes- be it through your own nightmare, or - even worse, somehow - a daymare. there's the farce of thick envelope in the mailbox, the eager anticipation pumping in your veins, you can feel that pulse in your neck. you open it, and out fall some forms. amidst the white papers, though, is the stark contrasting black 3x5 mini postcard thing. and on it is a skull and crossbones. it is the personal letterhead of the admission officer!!!!
WHAT A JOKE YOUR APPLICATION WAS- THANKS FOR THE LAUGH! DONT EVER THINK ABOUT APPLYING TO OUR SCHOOL AGAIN- WE HAVE COMPLETELY ERASED YOUR NAME FROM OUR DATABASE FOREVER. NICE TRY... ASS.
somehow you manage a chuckle at the norm foreman like ending (god, how i love that 70's show) before the floodgates open and a new ark has to be built. the embarassment floods every nook and cranny of your absolute being, and you are sure that you are slowly sinking, sinking, sinking into an abyss of emptiness (cue smashing pumpkins song here). you are somehow on fire, also. that stupid bitch from who the fuck knows where says "i told you so."
you groggily rejoice when your mom wakes you up to ask what kind of bagel you prefer. you seek solace in the slow mantra "its okay its alright everything happens for a reason" for the next 30 minutes or so, still unable to open your eyes. you literally fall out of bed with the weight of your legs and sit in the tub with the water on max hotness. the knots loosen and feeling returns to your fingertips momentarily.
a good 2 or 3 years has been taken off of your life with one night's sleep.
and well, this kind of thing is good for you, you tell yourself. nothing can be as bad as that.
can you blame me for not wanting to blink?