smileyjess

oh, i forgot to mention that my interviewer and i also talked about the time he volunteered to test breathalyzer's back when the state law for BAL was still 0.1. basically, he had a friend that was a cop and invited him to get drunk so the state police could make sure the breathalyzer's were accurate. he said he had something like 14 drinks in 3 hours. he did an excellent reenactment of how he must have looked in the cop car on the ride home.

ah, also i found this fortune on the ground today:

Find release from your cares, have a good time.

maybe i'll try that. sometime after december 15th, hopefully.

p.s. why didnt anyone inform me that dunkin donuts now has marshmallow flavored coffee? delish.

my room is the coldest in the house. damn unforgiving old windows and hardwood floors. i'm sure my refusal to wear socks and preference for t shirts doesn't really help to relieve my suffering much.

this weekend was terrible. well, no. saturday was tres bien, but sunday was downright awful. and it's not even over yet.

but first things first

thursday night, lauren, julianne and i went to brown for a lecture in alumnae hall on aids. well, lecture doesn't quite describe it. it was called the aids oral history project. from 95-97 they had conducted interviews with aids victims and from those entrevistas, they compiled a ton of intertwining quotes. it's rather difficult to explain, but the bottom line is that a clear message is made and that is: aids sucks.

no, okay, there's a ton more to it. there was someone who had contracted it through sharing needles, a nurse, a recipient of a blood transfusion, and homosexual men. when it was over, it turned out that one of the original interviewees was sitting in front of us, and he spoke briefly, but eloquently about how no one is afraid enough of this disease anymore. and it's so true. people just assume you get aids and you take your cocktails and live, but really everyone needs to become more aware of how totally fatal it still is. he said that at least before, when it first broke out, people were shit scared and took all the necessary precautions to prevent it, but now everyone's just so uneducated and awareness has completely decreased in the last decade and every eyar more and more people are becoming lax in their sex/drug use practices and it's all just so fucked up.

on the bright side, it was held in the beautiful crystal room, thus named for it's gorgeous chandeliers and creaky old wooden floors with old world style circular stairways and the smell of prosperity and success positively brimming in the air all around.

stuff like that makes me think too much, but i'm really happy that i went. lau, julianne, and i want to try to get the same thing performed at our school as a type I presentation. because everyone needs to hear it.

afterwards we visited lauren's brother, greg, in his dorm. people were giving and receiving professional massages as an activity of the Brown University Relaxation Committee. how incredibly awesome is that? answer: wicked. (good enough to make me apply to brown now!) after greg fell literally head over heels for me (okay, i lied, he just tripped), we headed home. but first, we were stopped by these 3 guys, 2 of whom were very gorgeous, asking us where we were going for the night. lauren told them we were students from brown going out for a night on the town.

oh college. how i love you.

friday morning i woke up feeling pretty shitty, so my mom wrote me a note to get into school late. it was the day that never ended, complete with stupid physics lab, a peer ministry presentation i had completely forgotten about (whatever, it was 1) peer ministry and 2) short period), and last period spanish.

after school i went to the Student Poetry Union for the sole purpose of seeing R. yeah that's right.

friday night i had made plans with madeleine to see jude law's new flick (closer) but ended up feeling incredibly shitty once again (just to evenly round out the day in the same way it had started) so i took a ridiculous amount of benadryl and called it a night after the first 10 minutes of watching old school.

saturday = work and brouie's concert. i took rye along and there we hung out with liz. the concert went very well, B was awesome, jon was awesome, and cris ryan was - you guessed it - awesome. however... between you and i... i got a little bored... shhhh!) afterwards was npc and ice cream and laughs with will & co. a perfect saturday night of music friends and food. my favorite three things.

and today.... well... today was college app day. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand here's the final count:

yale - app already received by admissions
providence college - app already received by admissions
boston college - app already received by admissions
harvard - mailing app tomorrow
stanford - mailing app tomorrow
notre dame - mailing app tomorrow
tulane - complete...
pepperdine - complete...
brown - not complete....

Our eyes catch for the briefest of moments, hinging on some bit of infinitesimal time, an intangible space where we are reduced to nothing more than matter – simple skeletons void of any shadow of sensation. Emotions are tossed carelessly into the wind, its frigid cold bringing unwanted tears brimming at the surface of my eyes. I adamantly refuse to blink (this instant will be over soon enough) and I hold you, unafraid, in the rigid confines of my stare, blank face begging answers to questions long forgotten. What could you possibly have to say to me? These days I’m lucky if I get a glance, a raised eyebrow, or an undecipherable headnod as I navigate my way through the crowded hall, my ears but not my mind registering the mundane conversations of those around me. I remember when we shared seats and clothes and homework and selves. You were the only one who knew. But now I realize how silly I used to be. I needed attention and you momentarily granted me yours. Willingly, thoughtfully, honestly, you opened up a bit to me in between all the times I cried on your shoulders over lost lusts and plummeting hope. I’m pretty sure I witnessed a glimpse of all that you withheld from others, all that you concealed from sight, all that you denied existence. I saw it. If only I had returned your attention, your genuinely concerned counsel. Maybe if I had searched a little harder to find the right words, and maybe if I had more forcefully suppressed all the wrong ones. I tried the best I thought I could; please, grant me that much credit. For all of my lectures, my unsolicited advice, my unfocused half interest – I am sorry.

If we were to talk today, I would hang onto your every word, bite my tongue, and free my mind of all distractions. Even if only for some sort of closure; it all terminated so abruptly and without warning. I want to be able to strike up something, anything, if only to ease my dis-ease, if only to shatter the tension that weighs heavily upon my back, if only to slow my rapidfire heartbeat each time I see you.

Today, now, I can’t know your thoughts, your opinions, your advice. I can’t even pretend I know. Nor can I see that secret shadow of your former self – the self I once glimpsed, observed, and analyzed from inside out.

I’ve given up trying. He’s vanished, gone, left without even the slightest of trace. There’s no sense in aimless searching – he’ll come back at his own whim when least expected. He loves the empowering element of surprise that he holds over my head, circling enticingly, allowing it to lightly slip between my fingers before he snatches it away hurriedly, laughing. No longer can I sit and impatiently wait with a tapping foot and tired heart; my eyes have worsened from the straining in my weak attempts to locate his whereabouts, and it seems as though so much else is passing me by without so much as a backward wave.

So when our eyes catch, mine are the first to turn away to shield you from sight of the tears that have unexpectedly plagued me. Somehow I can convince myself that they are only from the wind, but I doubt I can fool you.

I never could.

i dont know what's wrong with me but i hate feeling like this.

i hate this not knowing.

until i remind myself that not knowing could potentially be better than knowing.

and then i feel like crying.

so i just take blow off homework and go to sleep at all the wrong times.

i'm so tired. constantly.

i have that funny feeling in the back of my navel that comes from rapidly falling, like on a roller coaster.

i need to stop thinking. goodnight.

Ocean Breathes Salty by Modest Mouse
Your body may be gone, I'm gonna carry you in.
In my head, in my heart, in my soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both live again.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Don't think so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
And maybe we'll get lucky and we'll both grow old.
Well I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I hope so.

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.
Collected my belongings and I left the jail.
Well thanks for the time, I needed to think a spell.
I had to think awhile. I had to think awhile.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,

when the ocean met the sky.
You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.
When the earth folded on itself.
And said "Good luck, for your sake I hope heaven and hell
are really there, but I wouldn't hold my breath."
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste death?

The ocean breathes salty, won't you carry it in?
In your head, in your mouth, in your soul.
The more we move ahead the more we're stuck in rewind.
Well I don't mind. I don't mind. How the hell could I mind?

Well that is that and this is this.
You tell me what you want and I'll tell you what you get.
You get away from me. You get away from me.

Well that is that and this is this.
Will you tell me what you saw and I'll tell you what you missed,

when the ocean met the sky.
You wasted life, why wouldn't you waste the afterlife?

my mail doesn't come until 4 o clock, and i have found i am unable to focus until i hear the squealing brakes of the truck at the end of my driveway. i count slowly (to roughly 200 - but probably more like 250), just enough time so the mailperson doesnt think i'm completely tapped and have nothing better to do than wait for him/her (i do, i just cant!), then calmly, rationally, jump over the stone wall and silently tell myself it's all for the best, a la mr. white's advice.

once inside, i permit myself to look at the return addresses, then dejectedly toss all holiday cards, ONE! DAY! ONLY! sale fliers, and economist/u.s. news and world reports/ vogues on the dining room table as i am finally able to sit down and study physics.

i have just returned from a lovely evening in the company of jon and lauren at chez ouellet. we pretended to be studying, but really we sniffed freshly baked cupcakes, drank liters of diet coke, rereassured one another about college, discussed real vs. fake christmas trees, and talked about people hiding in the closet. in between greg called, so we paused for a half an hour or so to contemplate his lust life, wished for the millionth billionth time to be out of high school, and sighed over how he scored a 5 on the calculus BC ap exam. (perspective: i take calc AB and it's so difficult [understatement of the yearrrrrr]. but a calc BC class would have been at the point im at currently during the first week of november. #$!%$#%^# after jon left, lau and i abandoned all senses of self control (not to mention the calculus studying...) and made smoothies with soy frozen yogurt and frozen strawberries and orange juice. then we sat back in the glow of her (artficial) christmas tree and soft kitchen lights, ate our delicious concotion with teaspoons, learned about crazy ap bio experiments, laughed over 33 fat gram "coffees," and briefly allowed ourselves to imagine what could happen in the course of the next 48 hours. afterwards, her mom and i debated paper vs. plastic a bit as they decorated the living room. i departed with a goofy grin, full of frozen soy/banana/strawberry/orangle/apple mix and holiday cheer.

two claps for turning the sound down on life for a bit - even if it's only temporary.

it is now 1018 and i still have to read some sophocles (oedipus the king). awesome.

today: wisdom teeth and vicodin and a movie marathon with rye

wisdom teeth extraction doesnotequal fun

first, they strap you into a chair with a seatbelt like contraption. then, they take your blood pressure (something i've never enjoyed because they always comment on how relatively high mine is despite only being 17). the cuff tightens around your arm like a serpent around its victim as your ankles are bound to the chair so that "you don't move in your sleep." metal monitors are placed around your wrists to make sure you still have a pulse, and finally your head is tilted back so that you cant watch (but you can feel - boy can you feel! -) a needle being jabbed ino the crook of your elbow and allaround you are 4 (5?) faces lulling you to sleep with questions like "so, what do you want to major in?" you respond "prhhhhhmddddd ahhhnnnnkk." and then, delicious sleep.

all said and done, a full 36 hours later, it really wasn't so bad. i mean, heck, i could have been in period d calc with the test that (i heard) raped everyone. i could have been in period f physics with crazy K and her stupid labs. i could have been in period g spanish where, lately, i feel like i'm floating, floating, floating high above the rest of the class, looking at the rest of them - those who understand what the fuck is going on - with admirable eyes as i allow myself to transcend time, space, and energy and miracuously fall asleep with my eyes open.

i woke up around 430 yesterday, positively starving, but stuck with the soup and smoothie diet. it's all good. then it was back to sleep from 5 to7ish, when my dad brought me home a white chocolate raspberry soy latte. mmmmmm! later on rye came over with a bunch of movies and we settled in for a night of ed norton (a yale alum, i might add....) what a guy - he also came armed with popcorn, however, i ended up just making that for him to eat as i sniffed the buttery goodness from a distance and instead tackled another bowl of lemon zest sorbet.

this medication is really kind of taking a toll on me, though. i feel fine, i look okay (no swelling or anything), but i'm just exhausted. i think it's because i'm supposed to take it on a full stomach, but i seriously have like:: negative appetitte. i went to work this morning, then came home and worked on my brown app, then went to the library to do a physics lab, then came home and slept for a few hours... now i'm up, i'm not hungry at all, and it's time for another vic. i dont know, i think i'm just all sorts of listless...

so far, only one friend of mine has been accepted to her early action school (but it's not even her first choice.) with all the news i'm hearing from friends and friends of friends... i dont know... i'm just getting very downhearted about the whole college thing again. people that have all the prerequisites and credentials fortheir choice colleges aren't getting in early. the anticipation is waning, and now its just being replaced by full blown anxiety.

maybe the anxiousness is what's really wearing me down.

what i want to do tonight: go to blake's party (but i'm not supposed to drink or drive with this stuff in my system)
what i should do tonight: work on the 4 brown essays
what i will do tonight: watch family guy and fall asleep on the couch, home alone, once again.

this is the longest december everrrrrrrrrrrr

long december by counting crows

A long december and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember the last thing that you said as you were leavin’
Now the days go by so fast
And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven...i wish you would
The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl
And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in hollywood
If you think you might come to california...i think you should
Drove up to hillside manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her
And it’s been a long december and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell my myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass
And it’s one more day up in the canyon
And it’s one more night in hollywood
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean...i guess I should

It's your turn now. Do it. You won't.

I want you to anonymously post anything that you want. Anything. Post a story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love, a favorite quote, a song, a hope, a wish, a belief - anything. Now's your chance - get it off your chest. If you hate me - go ahead and say it, if you love me - go ahead and say it. Nothing will be held against you because I won't know who is saying it.

Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post however many times you'd like.

in a complete 180 degree turnaround, i am almost happy that i didn't hear anything today. in this case, i'n looking at it as no news is good news.

other than that, i really haven't much to say. mr w gave me the nicest compliment on an essay i had submitted last week, so that seriously made my entire day. it even compensated for the calc test i bombed and tj telling me i need to drink more diet coke if i expect to lose my cankles.

after school i took mike home then listlessly tossed the mail on the table with a sigh before retreating to the couch for some "fabulous life of..." episodes on vh1. big spenders 04 and leo & gisele. for dinner i had easily a pint of sorbet.

no homework or studying was performed at all, and i think i already hear my pillows calling me. so what if its 742? it's not as easy as it looks - this laziness i've developed as of late.

my day

1. wake up, feel like shit, put on uniform, curl under comforter
2. wake up again, put on minimal makeup, now simultaneously feel and look like shit, go to sleep on couch, crumple clothes, wait for patty, drive to school
3. go to ap theory, do absolutely nothing but bitch and complain
4. skip gym, denied tylenol for throbbing lack of wisdom teeth, sleep
5. nearly pass out in calc
6. have dad pick me up
7. take meds
8. watch old school
9. shower
10. get worse than yelled at during first pep band game of the year as my body temperature soars to about 945178975817 degrees farenheit with embarassment
11. write and write and write and write
12. sleep

goal for tomorrow: at least open my backpack.

The Yale Admissions Committee has completed its evaluation of this year’s Single Choice Early Action candidates and has voted to defer action on your application.

things that suck:
1. when you're on your way early to school to hand in even more college applications now that you need more safety schools and it starts to snow and you lose control of your car and you crash into not one but two trees and you hysterically call your mom and have hallucinations and your dad, on his way to work, sees you stranded on the side of the road and runs to you and you shake and shiver and your mom arrives and they hold you as you gather the important things from your car (books, backpack, cd's, and the stem from a long ago received red geranium [the petals disintegrated upon the first tree collision] that has rested on the dashboard since last may and he probably doesnt even remember giving it to you) and there are two other cars that have spun out (not as a result of you, the roads are just extremely icy) and you cant even remember how you ended up perpendicular to that on ramp but you cry and cry because you are selfish and you cry and cry and think of everyone you love and you go to the hospital and they take x rays multiple times and they give you valium and then you sleep.

things that are incredible:
1. being alive

maybe i will tell you all about it when i'm in the mood to lose my way with words.

p.s. - i love you.

we went to visit my car yesterday at the auto body shop. my beloved little red camry. atalanta. with the little dmb and phish bumper stickers. and 2004 world champion red sox license plate frame.

it's completely folded up like an accordian. but the car's frame is immaculate. and today, the only bruise i have is from my seatbelt.

i burst into tears. happy tears, in a strange sort of way.

i will forever buy camrys for the rest of my life.

this feels so weird.

One Love by U2
Is it getting better?
Or do you feel the same?
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame
You say
One love
One life
When it's one need
In the night
One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don't care for it

Did I disappoint you?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth?
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other
One

Have you come here for forgiveness?
Have you come to raise the dead?
Have you come here to play Jesus?
To the lepers in your head

Did I ask too much?
More than a lot.
You gave me nothing,
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say
Love is a temple
Love a higher law
Love is a temple
Love the higher law
You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got
When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we're not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

One

i wrote 8 pages worth of stuff on oedipus the king, with ross (the greek classics lover and current yalie english major) as my inspiration to get my ass moving. my hand has the biggest cramp, and now i still need to write an essay.

we went to look at new cars at the toyota dealership today. i told my mom i'm in no hurry.

school tomorrow. booooooo

a recent open letter from madeleine to the world:

"Dear world,

I am very very sick and miserable. Also, I am really pissed off at you because I can never do anything right and someone's always unhappy with me for some reason or another. Like, what the fuck? What am I supposed to do? Umm go kill yourself.

With loathing,
Madeleine"

Dearest, darling Madeleine,
Forgive me! It is not my intention to make you very very sick and miserable (rather, that was reserved for Jon - that boy needs to work on his karma, however his senior pictures did come out fabulous and without any airbrushing whatsoever!). Please refrain from aforementioned pissed off ness because you ALWAYS do EVERYTHING right because you are SIMPLY PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. And those people who are always unhappy with you for some reason or another? Crazies. When I turn into fire and brimstone, you have my utmost assurance that they will be the first to go.

I recommend a plentiful dose of benadryl, a day off from school, some everclear (the band or the alcohol - your choice), and some ass - I mean - Adam.

Sincerest apologies,
The World

p.s. - This is what the alphabet would look like if the letters Q and R were to be eliminated
p.p.s. - Look on the bright side - at least your car's not totaled. And you don't, in theory, owe your parent's a good $20k and whatever the hell Jess's insurance premium is about to go up. Plus you've got that monogonamousousa relationship thing going strong. ((cough steady stream of ass cough)) ((sneeze that buys you beer)) It'll all be okay.

Harmless - Chris Martin
So I heard you say,
I got your getaway.
I'm on a second trail,
As clear as crystal.

But it was harmless,
It couldn't hurt you.
Oh you were helpless,
I know you'll get through.

many, many cultures the world over perform solstice ceremonies. at their root: an ancient fear that the failing light would never return unless humans intervened with anxious vigil or antic celebration.

shortest day of the year was today. in sixth grade we had to read a midsummer's night dream and i positively loved it because all of the characters go temporarily insane as they unknowingly slip into a parallel fantasy world and assume roles alongside gentle, albeit mischievous, spirits.

tres cool, in my opinion. rye and i have spent each solstice since our discovery in search of some sort of mystical entrance... alas... my sidekick is currently in the carribbean, kicking back with a pina colada and a couple of chicks, so instead this afternoon i slept, read, poorly attempted to practice, felt too tired for someone who did essentially nothing today, made popcorn, watched cold mountain.

and listened to coldplay. they're the perfect music for a dismal winter solstice.

it's christmas vacation. i'm actually close to done with all my shopping. usually around this time of the year i'm excited to wrap gifts and conceal them inside the confines of my closet, only to be revealed in all their wrapped glory under the tree at nana's. instead they sit in their paper and plastic bags in the corner of my room - completely prone to peeking! - with pricetags still on and nary a sheet of tissue paper in sight.

let me out. fucking i need a vacation. i wish i could go (go) back (back) to cali (cali)

For You - Coldplay
If you're lost and feel alone
Circumnavigate the globe
All you ever have to hope for too

And the way you seem to flow
Circumnavigate in hope
And they seem to lose control, with you

Everyone of us is hurt
And everyone of us is scarred
Everyone of us is scared
Not you

Your eyes closed
Your head hurts
Your eyes feel so low

Everyone of us is scared
Everyone of us is hurt
Everyone of us has hope

today: worked 8.5 hours
tomorrow: looking at new cars

pep band game on wednesday night fue horrible. no trumpets, no bass player, shitty guitarist. i was all alone and nick covered bass nicely. all of the worthwhile alumni came back - andy will ben john and drew. as always it was wonderful to see everyone. afterwards we decided to hit up the creamery, per usual. as i coated my spoon with orange sherbert, i chatted it up with nick (amigo de andy - not a former pep bander) who's currently at the u.s. air force academy in colorado. that was interesting, he was telling me about how he recently received radio privileges. fucked up! i dont know what would be worse - usafa or ccri.

afterwards we attempted to put two amps and two guitars in andy's souped up volkswagen and subsequently failed. so we made john follow us back to andy's and dropped off his stuff and mike and nick and transferred everything. having been carless as of late, i felt really bad about inconveniencing everyone. blah.

we're pretty positive we're getting a highlander on monday. the insurance company that i work for cut us a wicked sweet deal on my total loss. i test drove some camrys and highlanders on wednesday past. i chose the latter for it's 4 wheel drive and snow traction. my mom wants to trade in her car for a new camry, and then use the insurance money towards the highlander, and then put some cash down and get 2 cars. using my father's favorite phrase, i told her to "keep dreaming." at any rate... we go back monday. i'm souped. slash wicked nervous.

last night was the eagerly anticipated annual festivus ("for the rest of us" a la seinfeld) at the home of a family friend outside of boston. huge formal thing he puts on at his estate (complete with his own wine vineyard and golf course) and it's just so awesome. plenty of booze (the home brewed merlot is too strong for me, i stick to the delcious mixed drinks) that my own parents keep pouring for me and very nice looking boys in suits talking about their worldly travels and junior years abroad. waiting until the wee hours of morning today to drive home so that we'd still be alive. good times, i love festivus!!!!!!!!

today i slept late, wrapped up (literally and figuratively) some last minute holiday shopping, and snuggled up with some tazo tea and one hundred years of solitude (thanks again, nick!!)

this christmas eve we're taking it kind of mellow... 4 years ago we would have all been crowding around my auntie jay and chu's house - 5 aunts, 1 uncle, 1 set of grandparents, approxiamtely 20 (give or take 1 or 2) cousins for the traditional italian christmas eve meal of fish, etc. always allergic, usually i settled for pasta and tons of carbolicious bread coated with several layers of margarine. but a lot's changed since then. 1 grandmother, 1 uncle, and 4 aunts have passed away, and my grandfather's with his girlfriend's family tonight (we already celebrated the other day, anyways, so its all good.) my last aunt is currently a few miles down the road with a morphine drip iv in her left arm. no worries, we were able to talk to her somewhat today. she was supposed to die last tuesday (that's what the doctor said anyways. psssh. doctors. who wants to be one of them!!!?!) silly auntie. i'm happy she's.... remembering christmas eve tonight too.

tomorrow it's off to nana and tata's. aunts, uncles, jacknmattnjosh. it's always so much fun. i love christmas. i'm going to miss ryan a lot though. i already do. he's still in the carribbean.

i probably wont post tomorrow, so merry christmas, loves!

fuck.
i hate when words fail me.

something is wrong and i wish i could tell you what it is. i haven't seen you in forever and it kills me. 4 months? almost 5.

most of the time i walk around pretending not to notice, not to care, and then bam. i catch sight of the crumbling stem in the corner of my eye, purposely difficult to focus in on, and this inexplicable wave of... numbness ... hits me and i curse myself for ever believing your empty words and false promises.

i wrote you another letter. and afterwards, i reread it and hated the person who wrote it, so i ripped it to tiny pieces and watched them fall like confetti to the floor.

i hate myself even more when i listen to dashboard.

there are many things that i would like to say to you but i don't know how

So Beautiful
I heard that you were home again, but you don't look like youre back to me
With your focuses changing your gaze is transfixed on a point that I can't often see
You've got youre new ties, I've got my old knots, you've got youre inside lines

I heard that you were living well, but you don't look like youre living to me
Though the sparkle is gone, the smile is in place so that everyone watching can see
You've got them all convinced, but I know it so well
That you could list your friends, but you can't count on them

Hold it now
You've got everyone convinced that youre alright
When no one else is quite as vulnerable

As soon as you got it you want something else
It's not the sale that you love, its the sell
It's not the price that's going to cost you
It's just the weight that's going to bring you
Down, down, down, down

It's going to bring you down, down, down, down, down

Hold it now
You've got everyone convinced that your alright
When no one else is quite as vulnerable

As soon as you got it you want something else
It's not the sale that you love, its the sell
It's not the price that's going to cost you
It's just the weight that's going to bring you
Down, down, down, down

It's going to bring you down, down, down, down, down

As soon as you got it you want something else
It's not the sale that you love, its the sell

It's not the price that's going to cost you
It's just the weight that's going to bring you
Down

1. the 'rents bought a highlander, which means i'll get my mom's 2004 camry
2. my ultra exclusive new year's eve black and white ball invitation
3. starbucks boys
4. family guy
5. jude law
6. varitek's four year contract
7. yellow sweaters and saltnpepa coats
8. franz ferdinand
9. my very own Sony Cybershot DSCP41 4MP Digital Camera
10. ryan's home safe and sound (albeit a day later than scheduled!)

despite the recent ears-nose-throat-lungs cold i've developed as of late, vacation week has been lovely. i wake up, drown myself in cough syrup, drink mandarin orange tea, work for 8.5 hours, and watch jude law. lots and lots of jude law.

life is grand when school's not around. fuck youuuuuuu, school!

let's see... yesterday was a day of shopping with the madre and testing out the new vehicle. we visited a friend in wickford and gave the snow traction a test. lunch was at wickford gourmet - simply delish. afterwards i had some last minute christmas shopping (dont ask how that works. hooray for sales!) to do. andy picked me up around 7esque and it was off to the mall for some joe's american bar and grille and then closer starring - you got it - jude law (and natalie portman as a stripper for all you guys. and julia roberts. and that other guy that andy and i dubbed guy mcdouche.) the movie was very excellent, i found myself engrossed in the plot, time is a tricky factor in each scene, and theres no happily ever after for anyone. we rocked to some franz on the way home in the souped up jetta with no dashboard lights. perfection!

today i dragged my ass out of bed (okay, maybe my mom had to wake me up 3 times and THEN drag my ass out of bed) to go to work for 730. until 4. yah. why? because i asked her to! i need money for california damnit! tickets arent cheap, fools! mark my words, im so fucking gone the thid week of february.

after work i had a power nap and then headed off to the macaroni grille with one of my favorite yalies - no, not edward norton of fight club fame... rather... ross! he looked good, it was great to see him, far too long since september. we werent able to get together over thanksgiving break (ines was here and we were in nyc) so we met early tonight and spent time catching up over delightful italian dishes and he offered to buy me booze (ah, to be 21! what a nice guy. hahahah) and i of course politely declined - as i said, i've been feeling a little under the weather (plus im saving all my alcohol calories to cash in at the ultra exclusive black and white ball!) (no, really, that's it's name. the ultra exclusive black and white ball. and you have to say ultra exclusive with softly pursed and glossed lips with your tongue gently touching the roof of your mouth as you narrow your eyes and demean whoever you're speaking to.) (i'm kidding! [no i'm not] i'm not that stuck up, come on! cut me some slack.) (i'm almost done talking in parenthesis, i promise.)

afterwards we saw the last showing of the aviator. WICKED FRIGGEN GOOD. two nights of jude law, i'm surprised im not dead of a heart attack. (actually it was a small cameo, but still! a little bit of drool came out.) (just kidding.) (sort of?) (okay!) leonardo dicaprio did a great job - and i'm not even biased. scorsese pulled off another great film. three hours flew by! i loved it. go see it.

my goal for tomorrow is to really open my backpack. maybe i'll even take out a notebook or something.

whoa, let's not get carried away now.

i've had this song stuck in my head. and loving it. i think it's why i'm smiling. (gwen was in the aviator too! yet another reason to see it!)

Dont Let Me Down
No Doubt
(Rock Steady)

Laughing so hard
I got tears in my eyes
Walk in the park
Under sapphire skies

Oh, I can't believe that you're still around
Almost forgot how you let me down

Crying so deep
That I think I might die
Your mistakes I keep in the back of my mind
So hard to let go but I'm comin' round
The scars are still fragile
Don't let me down

[CHORUS:]
So don't blow it
No not a little bit
Cause now you're all mine
Don't you forget it
Don't blow it
Even a little bit
Cause now you're all mine
Don't you forget it

[Don't let me down X3]

Time after time
It's just too much to take
I've waited so long
Just to get to this place
And finally it feels like
The lost was found
You got me filled up now
Don't let me down

(Don't let me down)

[CHORUS x2]

(Don't let me down)

[CHORUS x2]

Don't let me down
Don't let me down
Don't Let Me Down

i almost did homework today! alas... calculus was abandoned in favor of sleep and rotting my brain with back to back episodes of the o.c. i really do loathe myself.

"i hate this... everything's changing... ross is moving... joey just said hence..."

you know what else i really fucking hate? when people expect you to listen after two years of not listening to you? and you're "too nice," so you actually permit them you walk all over you like the pathetic little doormat that you are.

pssh eff that ess. with that said...

i library-ed it uppp this morning, then patty came over for a bit with lovely gift certificates to nailpro and fresh city. now i can have my nails done and get fatter in time for winter ball! (which i shall be attending with jon! he's going to pick out my dress for me and everything!)

after patty fabulous departed i attempted to write an english essay that was due before vacation and - you guessed it - failed miserably. so i packed up and headed over to rye's, where we ate christmas cookies and exchanged gifts. nothing is better than a gift wrapped in paper towels. especially when it's jewelry from antigua. and positively beautiful. he even got a black and white snail shell to make into a bracelet for tomorrow night!!!

we then crashed at mike's to watch kill bill volume 1. there was talk of volume 2 as well... but uma has to kick the asses of three people in that one, and none of us really had that kind of time on our hands. instead we consumed ridiculous amounts of diet cherry vanilla dr. pepper, aka nectar of the gods. it's one of the few foods mike can "eat" while making weight.

i realize that the term making weight means achieving a goal weight - high or lower than usual, yet i think it's cruel that "making weight" really implies allowing yourself to gain weight. poor mike - he's definitely the littlest i've seen him. 140ish. blah. food.

i'm joining a gym next week.

stay tuned for pictures from madlux'sssssss fiesta grandeeeeeeeeeee

Once said always said. I will hold the past over your head.

i found glass from my back windshield in the bottom of my backpack today. my backpack was in the trunk. my trunk went through my windshield and my windshield went through my backpack.

it cut my hand up pretty badly as i was looking for my physics lab.

i can vividly remember looking at the glossy pages of my fifth grade yearbook where - amongst K.I.T's and H.A.G.S's - was the phrase Class of 2005 in big bold block black letters. it seemed so far away back in june of 1998 as i sat in the stiff plastic chair at my old creaky and completely unstable, wobbly wooden desk next to a kid with no left pinky and another who now smokes and unfathomable amount of marijuana. i couldn't wait for 2005, a year forever imprinted on my mind as it appeared on that shiny page with confetti and caps and tassels dancing around the border.

it's going to be a huge year - one i've been waiting for since the original saved by the bell class graduated when i was in the first grade and first understood the seemingly abstract concept of "graduation." i'm so happy i'll be ringing it in with rye and all other invites to the lux sisters' super swanky dont-you-wish-you-could-be-a-gossip-girl-too ball. (motto: "it's ladies night and all the girls drink for free.")

things are going to be so much better this year. i can literally feel it. the only thing that will stay the same is that i still have ridiculous expectations for myself.