smileyjess

i love madeleine. and rachel. and jon. and jon. and rob. and ryan. and jessica. and ethan. and adam. and mattie. and the people currently having sex in the bathroom. and (edit). and the electric blue windex (edit). and the (edit). and coconuts. and waterbeds. and grapes. and sweet lovin'. and flamingoes. and massages. and jessica's dress.

happy new year. it's going to fucking rock if it's 1/2843758947 as good as i am right now.

i laughed so hard i cried. words can't describe. "likes my dress? commmmmes to my party?"

quoth the great jon wall, i spent new year's eve in the company of my closest friends and about 15-20 complete strangers.

there's only so much i can talk about, but a picture is worth a thousand words, right? so here's a bunch. these are not even half of what i took throughout the night. the rest aren't really appropriate..... make up stories for yourself.

Getting ready:

Rye and I made an appearance at Nana’s

Hillary, Addie, Jess, and Max pre-partying:

Madeleine with some water:

Max, Rob, Me, and Jon

Madeleine’s suicide note that Jon found in his 72 hour cleaning spree of her room. He put it on the wall amidst a kitten collage:

Madeleine’s framed friends (actually an Abercrombie and Fitch ad. Caption reads: To Max – The Gang – xoxo):

Hot picture of Max… mmm yeah, love the concentration camp look:

Madeleine is MY hero:

Trojan and Axl - what a combo:

I am one of the few people allowed to touch Jon:

Hot shoes, Rachel!:

Um, art?

This was snapped about 10 minutes after I arrived:

Basically anyone can touch Madeleine:

Max, Jon, and me. BF4L.

Madeleine’s favorite foods (please note the flaxseed next to this lovely cocktail of benadryl, advil, ibuprofen, and cramp medicine):

This was the water of someone over 21:

Dancing like no one’s watching.... Oops. Apparently, someone was, though. I'm pretending to be Elaine.

Rye, chillin’ like a villain:

Jon, chillin’ like… a great grandmother:

Madeleine with our my best friend:

Hey! That was mine! (it was fun making Max pose in the corner with water and soda all night):

Pretty:

Sparkling apple cider. Yup.

Raybob and the Mertinator!

Keeping things gangster. Yes, I smile when keeping things gangster.

My friends are friends!:

Um, my friends are realllllllllly gooooooood friends!:

Molesting Jon on the waterbed:

Goooooooooooood morning!

I vaguely recall saying something about flamingoes in Siberia, snapped this on the way to the car after I changed:

6:56 am - jet out of bed because i overslept and no one else is home to wake me up

7:26 am - patty picks me up. by some tiny miracle i am ready.

7:33 am - we bounce along in the van listening to franz ferdinand and talking about how much we fucking hate having to go back to school, as every other lasallian was most likely discussing at the very same time (we all started complaining in unison around 10 or so last night.)

7:49 am - arrive a la escuela.

7:49.37 am - are informed that we cannot park in the senior lot, but it is not yet full. get pissed off, great way to start the day - now we don't know where to find parking on the street.

7:50 am - open our eyes and see fellow classmates milling around the street with wide smiles.

7:51 am - are informed that there are plumbing problems in the school and that we may return home.

7:56 am - pick up some lattes and chais.

8:14 am - come home.

8: 17 am - change into pajamas and go back to sleep.

and that was monday, january 3, 2005. i told you 2005 would be excellent. sleep tight gangsters.

quoth madeleine:

"it's official - no school tomorrow, bitchessssssss!"

there are many things about myself that intensely displease me. i won't bother to go too far in depth because many of those things have to do with my physical appearance and are far beyond my actual ability to improve. (or so i'm beginning to realize and accept.)

but then there are several aspects of my personality that i am able to change. my tendency to interrupt, not knowing when to stop asking questions and pestering, my obnoxious laugh, my inability to ever say the words that need to be heard or the words i really need to say. the way my mind freezes up when someone else cries, or the way i spend far too much time complaining to people who don't need to hear it. the way i am constantly on edge, the way i don't often enough show my appreciation.

all these things i'm working on bit by bit. there is another however, that stands adamantly in my path to becoming a 'good person.' a seemingly insurmountable obstacle, i always fall victim to its enormousness and succumb to its vortex of unneeded suffering and emotional exhaustion.

i have the most amazing ability to hold a grudge.

i am not proud of this vice; rather, i do make honest attempts towards eliminating it. it is not often that i pick fights with people, but when i'm on a warpath, you sure as hell better watch out. as is inherently in my nature, i will apologize first. i hate admitting when i am at fault, but i will never sacrifice a friendship/acquaintanceship over petty matters wherein i'm of the wrong attitude.

but when it's not my fault - i don't owe you a blessed thing. so don't expect - most of all - an apology from me. i will be civil, yes. apologetic, no. i don't appreciate having my forgiveness taken advantage of, and there's only so much one person can take.

for the first time ever, i have composed for myself a list of resolutions. i wrote them down inside my newest journal with the beautiful paintings of the early 20th century impressionists on each page. my words are ugly compared to the beautiful landscapes of waterlilies and sunflowers and haystacks and picnics all in brilliant shades and pastels of greens and blues and golds and deep reds. i wish my words were more flowery and flowed more freely like that of the water under the japanese bridge in monet's garden like the page for today, January 3rd, but there is no way to conceal my horrible inability to forgive.

it makes me feel like a terrible person. i want to just... let go. of the past, of you, of your little idiosyncracies that drive me up a walllllll. for the past three days, i've been trying it out. this whole 'letting go.' and i've got to tell you - it's wonderful. without bearing a grudge, there is literally so much weight lifted that was formerly (seemingly) cemented upon my brittle backbone, forcing me to drag along the ground, my mind encapsulated in strong dislike and harsh thoughts of which i was not proud.

so there. i refuse to deny myself happiness on yet another level just because of you.

i care not, therefore i am a 'better person.' even though i don't owe you anything, i will remain civil. i will accept your apology (so long as it is sincere.) i will no longer number the many ways in which i feel wronged. instead, i'm letting them go. go where, i'm not sure. just away from here. like you.

free.

today - on my second day in a row off! - i slept. and it was delicious. except for that part where i dreamt i was blind. not so much fun.

To dream that you are blind, represents your refusal to see the truth or your lack of awareness to a problem. Perhaps you are rejecting something about yourself or your situation. Consider the pun, "turning a blind eye".

personally, i refuse to believe that and prefer to think that it's because i had just finished the chapter in cold mountain where the bear falls from the cliffs due to her poor eyesight and inman watches her break apart by the seams on the jagged rocks at the bottom of the valley.

on a lighter note, school is also canceled for tomorrow as well!

should i end my life during exam week or upon reading this?

so these past three days have been splendid. monday was napoleon dynamite and a delightful afternoon in the company of lauren and corey. yesterday was work for a bit and then some shopping. pep band game at night, then it was off to dave's where i threw water at tj because GOSH! he's so STUpid!

today i woke up at 1252p. i havent slept that ridiculously late in too long. it was superbbbbb. i finished reading one hundred years of solitude and cold mountain (yes, again - it's too expensive to buy books that i normally would not have the time to read!)

exams got pushed back a week and this is a huge effing pain in my arse. i just want them over with, damn it. i'm getting tired of procrastinating.

school tomorrow which is almost good because itll get me off my ass and make me stop eating everything in my house that does not come from the carcass of an animal.

i leave you with hot rhythm section pictures (and even some of people on the outskirts of the aforementioned hot rhythm section.)

band geeks are love.

Nick’s butt. Eat your heart out, ladies.

Corey is stellar at multitasking:

Will bitchin new bass:

More Cor:

Annie (doing her impression of a shampoo commercial) and Mal:

Nick’s ’57 Fender twin amp. Oh, and Doug (?)

T2: Joe and Katie

Oh, yeah. There was a basketball game there, too. (Sometimes we forget)

look at her ... shoes!

it snowed. and school was once again canceled. i am torn between joy and disappointment. i really dont want to make up all these days at all. seniors traditionally are done by the third week of may. if i have to go to school in june, heads will roll....

on the bright side, i think i've eaten everything in the house, so no worries about eating too much today.

i really hate the snow a lot. but today i ventured off to play in it a bit. i then retreated back into my dining room with some chai and my spanish book because apparently my spanish teacher thought it'd be cool to assign homework via the internet when we don't even have school.

if winter ends by bright eyes
i dreamt of a fever,
one that would cure me of this cold, winter set heart.
with heat to melt these frozen tears and burned with reasons
as to carry on.
into these twisted months i plunge without a light to follow
but i swear that i would follow anything
just get me out of here.
and so you get six months to adapt
and you get two more to leave town.
in the event that you do adapt, we still might not want you around.
and i fell for the promise of a life with a purpose
but i know that's impossible now.
and so i drink to stay warm
and to kill selected memories
because i just can’t think anymore about that or about her tonight
and i give myself three days to feel better
or else i swear i'm driving off a fucking cliff
because if i can’t learn to make myself feel better
then how can i expect anyone else to give a shit
and i scream for the sunlight or a car to take me anywhere
just get me past this dead and eternal snow
because i swear that i am dying, slowly but its happening
so if there is a perfect spring that’s waiting somewhere
just take me there and lie to me and say it’s going to be alright
its going to be alright, yeah you worry too much kid,
its going to be alright.

ode to my christmas tree (we threw it out the second story window the other day):

one of the beautiful flowers that lauren brought me the night of my accident - 20 days old and going strong!:

do i seriously have to go to school tomorrow?

do i seriously have to study for a test i'd rather pretend i was not informed of?

on the bright side, everything will be messed up all day (classrooms and homerooms changed and whatnot) so the utter chaos i expect to find my school in tomorrow had better offer me a lovely opportunity to arrive late to most of my classes. save english with senor blanco. otherwise, tardy.

i also plan on continuing to sleep in until at least 11 if that's cool with everyone.

Ivy League mornings:
Penn: give Bob the Bum a dime, check on transfer papers.
Brown: smoke breakfast, say prayer for no grade system.
Columbia: deep breath of smog, take taxi to class.
Dartmouth: gargle moonshine, chop wood for heating, contemplate going to class for first time in a week.
Princeton: yawn, feel like a geek, dress the part
Yale: floss, snort coke, come out of closet
Harvard: wake up, bathe in glow of undeserved reputation
Cornell: roll over, sober up, cry

jess: jon, what are you doing today during lunch?
jon: crying.

jdubya i love youuuuuuuuuuuuu

my parents bought tickets to the lion king at the boston opera house for 22 january. fucking row B. i have been positively dying to see this show for about 4 years now. they had purchased them as a surprise - the 22nd was, originally, the saturday after my last semester exam. they had planned a day in the city, booked a hotel, made dinner reservations, the whole thing.

thanks to those fucking bursting pipes and subsequent exam rescheduling, it is now the saturday before exams. the most important exams of my high school career. the exams that make or break college. lest you forget, currently i am not definitely in anywhere.

oh, i'm not going to miss this show. i just fucking hope i'll be able to enjoy it.

so much pressure that i can literally feel myself burst at the seams.

no sooner do i click "post entry" does my phone ring. it's my aunt, in hysterics.

my uncle lost three of his fingers today. they're remodeling their kitchen, and he was sawing something. he passed out and my aunt had to call for an ambulance.

i'm so selfish i disgust myself.

he just called me. they sewed him all back up. he's on some pretty major painkillers and must go to the plastic surgeon a few more times for further operations. he sounded fine when he called me. he said he just feels foolish. i said i knew how that went, then said "shit happens dude" (verbatim his words upon hearing my feelings of hopelessness/ stupidity after my accident.) he laughed. his surgeon graduated from yale. (i kind of choked up.) i'm so unbelievably relieved he's okay.

last night i hung out with one of my favorite yalies (again.) ross called me up after school (while i was with sra going over subjuntivo locoooo) and we made plans to catch a flick and grab some grub. so we went to panera and literally sat and talked for a few (~2.5) hours. he never ceases to amaze me... each time we meet up when he's home i'm still as much in awe of his intelligence as the first time i met him way back in my freshman year when he was *gasp* a senior. (he wasn't lying to me when he said it would fly by.) last night we talked post graduation plans - his (because i'm so sick about talking about mine. and how there just aren't any right now.) next year he'll graduate from yale and plans to go to law school, maybe eventually open a practice in boston, he hopes. (i said what about nyc and he was like jess. yankee territory? wtf are you thinking? i had to laugh. hardcoreeeeeee and i love it). i asked if he would go to yale law school and he said last time he checked he didn't have a 4.0. (only 185 applicants are accepted a year. that's more daunting than the statistics about the undergrad school that are in my nightmares [and daymares].) but i know he could do it. he's ross. we caught a late show and a drunk driver on the way home (thank god i didnt have to drive last night. i've never liked driving after 1230 much as it was, forget it in the past 3 weeks.)

this morning i woke up at 8 and was at cranston wast (eww, gross. ::shiver:: that school is so awful, thank allah i dont go there) by 830 for a debate tournament. i hadnt anticipated going, but i sure as hell did not feel like going to work today, plus i have only been to two other ones so far this year. keefe was happy i was there, i hung out with the ever so amazing becka_roo and jimmy d. becka flattered me with compliments and jimmy was just his usual jovial self. i came home in the best mood and studied el subjuntivo loco for a few more hours. napped for an hour, and just ate dinner a few minutes ago. i dont know where the rest of my family is.

in other news, it's amazing how just going to school for just one day knocked me right back down a few notches on the self esteem ladder. blah.

i can't take my eyes off of you

i wish i had more time to write. unfortunately, i have a spanish test tomorrow on multiple forms of the subjunctive and the conditional, and if i don't study more, it's going to rape me. and that's not too fun.

good thing it's not worth 25% of my quarter grade or anything.
OH WAIT!!!! YES IT IS!!!!

oh, yes. i threw away a $300 elsa peretti tiffany's bracelet. way to go, ass. no worries though... i've still got the other ones that actually matter to me.

there's no hope for any of us if there's no hope for them.

i sense that feeling of emptiness creeping up on me from behind yet again. i can't explain it. i sink into these terrible black abysses (abyssi?) and then must claw my way back up to where the air is fresh and the light shines brightly. it's so easy to lose your way down there, and very difficult to return to the top. this time i'm screeching to a halt right here, right now.

i honestly don't know how to describe it. every morning i wake up with a pain that lies right behind my eyes. i feel as though i'm about to faint when i place my bare feet on the cold hardwood floors of my bedroom in the day's dawn of total darkness. my muscles tense up and my shoulders are permanently hunched. i can't seem to focus on anything for more than 30 seconds. i'm absolutely unable to make eye contact. at night, i spend half an hour making a dinner i dont eat and settle for stove popped popcorn with enough salt leftover to coat the entire bottom of the bowl. i pull at the strands of my hair, wishing they weren't so split. i feel altogether simply... too much. taking up too much space. too much talking. so i retreat to this seemingly bottomless rabbit hole where i have weird dreams and everyone on the road is out to get me. i hate being alone. even more though... i hate feeling alone when i'm not.

there are those certain moments, in the presence of certain people, where i feel fine. smiles and laughs come more easily, naturally. unafraid to say what i feel, no holds barred. bold and brazen. certain moments where i'm completely comfortable with a silence between us, as if we don't have to prove anything by a constant flow of conversation. no pressure. complete complacency. tranquility.

i close my eyes and i'm so far away from here.

Perfect Girl
Sarah McLachlan

Am I faithful, am I strong,
am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel
and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me

Don't worry you will find the answer
if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo
know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities
I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words
and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like
I'm the one to blame for all of this...

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides
to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete
I can't deny there's nothing
that I didn't try
How did I go wrong in loving you

Don't worry you will find the answer
if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo
know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

yesterday i received the lowest grade of my entire high school career on that crazy subjunctive test that i studied about 8-9 hours for over this past weekend alone. (i wish i could say i was exagerrating, but i'm being completely honest.)

look at it this way. if i hadn't fallen asleep with my head in my notebook around 2am monday morning i would have just wasted even more time.

today was an excellent day, and i owe it all to the beautiful necklace that lauren gave me for christmas - thanks so much again, love!!

so okay, i'm almost not feeling like the failure (okay, fine, near failure) i am. i'm compensating the lost points of my spanish average by writing extra credit for english which is bound to bring that average up a point or two, which isn't quite the three points i need to recover, but it will at least ease this dissatisfaction a little.

yesterday i came home after school and literally collapsed on my bed for a few hours. i woke up and made my dad drive me to pep band (no way was i driving in the snow). i was not pepped in the least. alas! it was the best game everrrrrrr. our little upper class white boys were having the court wiped with their asses by central (a bunch of 22 year old high school students.) it got kind of ugly. one of central guys like lost a tooth or got a concussion or broke a rib or something (i dont know - i'm just in the band, we werent really paying any attention). quite inappropriately, we played tequila while we were all waiting for the ambulance. when we got yelled at by cheerleaders, sarah (corey's girlfriend) and i apprehended katie's awful cosmo mag and read about our bedside horoscopes for 2005 and butt shape ups (the model has high heels on. i dont know about you, but i do all my butt shape up exercises in heels.) once the game finally started again, the guys were out for blood. our team made a beautiful comeback as led by tom but it fell just short. which, to be honest, i'm kind of happy about. because i'm willing to bet that if central lost, there would have been a drive by shooting in the parking lot.

i got home around 1030, drowned half a pot of coffee, and proceeded to work on an english essay until 3. gotta love waking up and having to literally edit something in every line. no worries, caffeine induced essays are my specialty. at any rate, i got to sleep in due to the snow delay, then just went in even later because i felt like it.

after school today liz and i went to tealuxe on thayer (mmm papaya tea). it was splendid and i had been looking forward to it all day. i also bought 7 dollars worth of candy and proceeded to eat every ounce with nary a care. take that.

i really need to stop listening to so much

crack the sky

we sent out the s.o.s. call.
it was a quarter past four in the morning when the storm broke our second anchor line.
four months at sea, four months of calm seas to be pounded in the shallows off the tip of montauk point.
they call them rogues; they travel fast and alone--
one-hundred-foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
what they call love is a risk, 'cause you'll always get hit out of nowhere by some wave and end up on your own.

a hole in the hull defied the crew's attempts to bail us out.
it flooded the engine and radio and half-buried bow.

your tongue is a rudder.
it steers the whole ship, sends your words past your lips, or keeps them safe behind your teeth.
but the wrong words will strand you, come off-course while you sleep, sweep your boat out to sea or dashed to bits on the reef.

the vessel groans; the ocean pressures its frame.
to the port i see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
and i wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts, but the morning finds our bodies washed up thirty miles west.

they say that the captain stays fast with the ship through still and storm.
but this ain't the dakota; the water's cold. (so cold.)
won't have to fight for long.

(this is the end.)
this story's old, (this is the end) but it goes on and on until we disappear.
(this is the calm.)
calm me and let me (this is the calm) taste the salt you breathed while you were underneath.
(we are the resin)
i am the one (we are the resin) who haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.
(after the storm.)
i spoke the words (after the storm) but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.
(rest here with thee,)
i know that this (rest here with the) is what you want.
(washed up on the beach.)
a funeral keeps both of us apart.
you know (washed up on the beach) that you are not alone.
i need you like water in my lungs.
(this is the end.)

this story's old, (this is the end) but it goes on and on until we disappear.
(this is the calm.)
calm me and let me taste (this is the calm) the salt you breathed while you were underneath.
(we are the resin)
i am the one who (we are the resin) haunts your dreams of mountains sunk below the sea.
(after the storm.)
i spoke the words (after the storm) but never gave a thought to what they all could mean.
(rest here with thee,)
i know that this (rest here with thee) is what you want.
(washed up on the beach.)
a funeral keeps both of us apart.
you know (washed up on the beach) that you are not alone.
i need you like water in my lungs.
(this is the end.)

[edit]

olvidalo.

forget it.

((you)) radiohead

You are the sun the moon and stars
Ah you... and I could never run away from you

You try at working out chaotic things
And why should I believe myself, not you?

It's like the world is going to end so soon
And why should I believe myself?

You, me, and everything caught in the fire
I can see me drowning, caught in the fire

my parents gave me permission to do whatever i want with my bedroom. so i'm going to paint it in various shades of hot pink, offset by black and white checkboard prints and contrasting with decoupage multicolored glossy magazine cutouts on basically any wood surface (even the doors of my walk in closet). tossed in will be some deep purples, bright limes, and cyan blues. i'm going to invest in more hot pink christmas lights and have them all around. one entire wall will be arranged asymmetrically with various sizes of mirrors and gold embossed picture frames filled with smiles and beautiful faraway landscapes. it will be loud and obnoxious and carefree. (so basically everything i'm not. although, i am pretty loud sometimes. and arguably obnoxious. okay, but no one could accuse me of being carefree.)

i'm going to need some help with the painting (aiming for the weekend after the weekend after winter ball), any volunteers, hit me uppppp

last night, tj finally met the notorious r.y.e.

his thoughts?
T2J731: i left a message
T2J731: it was like
T2J731: is ryan there
T2J731: and i love him.
SmileyJess13: um, he never said he loved you.
T2J731: well
T2J731: enjoy his company
T2J731: ...whatever...bitch

i just hope that tom doesn't get jealous of tj's new affection.

today ryan and i saw finding neverland. it was incredibly awesome. i've been wanting to see it for awhile now, and what better time to than the time i'm supposed to be spending studying for exams? rye and i settled in our cheap matinee seats with some gummy bears and became utterly absorbed in the film's intense camera shots and magical realism(o). beautifully depicted. extremely well done. bravo.

tonight my family and i went to a delcious/fancy italian restaurant for dinner then came home and watched the patriots win. good times. now i'm tired. three cheers for no school tomorrow.

"There's no use trying," Alice said. "One can't believe in impossible things."

"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your age, I always did it for a half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes, I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast!"

-Through the Looking-Glass and What Alice Found There, 1872

from contact:

Brit actors Jude Law and Clive Owen were so impressed by their "Closer" co-star Natalie Portman's pole-dancing in the film, they decided to try the exotic routines themselves.

Law says, "We both had pole-dancing lessons. It's the de-riguer style of exercise now in London. It's very good for the upper thigh and the deltoid."

I need you so,
to stay in your arms,
see you smile,
hold you close.
And now it weighs on me,
as heavy as a stone
and of bone chilling cold.
I was just wondering
if you'd come along.
Tell me you will.

i went dress shopping for winter ball today.

it was positively miserable.

school tomorrow and i already have a terrible sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.

i don't know why this happens.

i kind of wish i did, though. then i could stop it from happening.

time for me to take a lovely dose of over the counter antihistamines. (basically the best cure for a case of the sundays, or in this case, the mondays.)

night, fools.

Everyone's caught on to
everything you do
Everyone's caught on to ...
And everyone's caught on to
everything you do
(And I can't let you,
let me down again.)
Everyone's caught on to ...
(And I can't let you,
let me down again)

So, is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with.

just a few bits of news (in no particular order)

1. jon and i have the most rockingest outfits for winter ball. (ever.) like, so rocking, you wish we would tell you. too bad we're not going to, though. the only thing you need to know is that with our brain power and fashion sense (okay, jon's fashion sense), odds are high that if there were to ever be a winter ball - off (a la junior prom off) we would win by a landslide. sniff sniff.... is that my competitive side emerging?

2. senora thought it'd be cool to announce - first period today - that we have the oral portion of our exam - one on one - tomorrow. dear senora, this is not cool. if i happen to "hang myself" in my "sleep" tonight, everyone that reads this journal will know who to blame. sincerely, jess.

3. i took a steaming hot shower tonight for a good 35-40 minutes and i think i may have burned my eyelids. actually ::blinks:: wait no... i know i burned my eyelids.

4. my mom is going to california for two weeks (last of jan and first of feb)

5. i'm not.

6. i'm drowning my sorrows in diet coke, apple cinnamon tea, and a strong pot of coffee tonight. in that order. (apparantly i'm all out of my adderall.)

7. shannon (yes you shannon you're the only shannon i know so don't get all insecure and wonder if this is directed at you! (: ) is my idol.

8. howie day is so scrumptious..

you know what is so strange? opening up a notebook at the bottom of your locker (which you were only cleaning because you need to study for exams) full of about 20 pages of assorted poetry/prose you barely recall writing.

sweet now i can go to spu:n to see my favorite teacher, mr. whatshisface from room 314.

it was fucking cold again today and i hated it. i battled it in earnest with a wonderfully warm scarf ryan's mom made me last winter and the new red leather gloves my mom bought for me over the weekend (a peace offering of sorts after she accused me of being spiteful when really i'm just oblivious and stupid) and i failed miserably. the wind whips and my hair twirls and dances with it. my lips are disgustingly chapped and my cheeks dry.

as of late i've been composing nightly "to do" lists for the next day, usually composed upwards of 20-25 items with valid things like: (1) finish calc homework during free period (2) get fafsa stuff (3) edit english paper (4) give blood (5) donate to unicef (6) re teach self semester of music theory, etc, etc. but also, to compensate for all the things i can't due (i.e., 5 and 6), i like to include stupid things like (17) floss and (21) remove nail polish just so i can feel somwhat accomplished when the day is over and i am able to cross off at least half of the items.

otherwise i'd feel pretty much like a huge, unaccomplished failure. and that's not a good feeling.

it has been decided that when we grow up we're going to be jack kerouac.

i love you.

ah, yes. this will most likely be the last you'll hear from me until somewhere mid next week... yes, ladies and gents, it's that time of the semester. the exam crunch - hours of studying heaped upon layers of short term memory laced with intense levels of uncertainty and self doubt and littered with an occasional escaped tear (or 89357817).

my attitude is not a good one: "fuck it." i'm doing all i can do and it's unfair of them to expect anything more of me. tomorrow i'm going to boston. i encourage all of you to NOT STUDY at all. because hell - if i'm not studying, why should you?!?!?!?! go out, shop, watch napolean dynamite for the millionth time, read some gossip girls, spend some quality time with the captain, smoke a bowl for me or something. lock the books away in a deep closet and take em out sometime around 5 o clock sunday night. you'll do fine, i promise. i guarantee itttttttttttttttt!

besides, there's so many more important things to worry about.

this week was pretty awesome. highlights included tonight's beyond awesome pep band game (motto: "pep band always wins"), dinner with lauren's lovely family, oatmeal cookie baking, beautiful eyebrows (join lauren's club! it's going to be the deciding factor in her brown acception, i just know it!), selecting a winter ball dress (wouldnt you like to knowwww!!!!!!!), a moderately good spanish exam (speaking), the best email of my life, and the usual angsty/confusion/self pity combo.

cheers for a few days, i'll catch you on the flip side of exams.

reason number 134818787 jon is going straight to hell:
jon: i momentarily considered entering the "guess how much candy contest" (put on by our school's pro life club) until i realized that i like abortions more than i like chocolate.

sad that it also took me this realization to curb my chocolate craving too!!!!

boston common, circa the plaza hotel

so our expedition to boston was doubled when we got stranded in the 'storm of the century' on sunday. no worries though, it was worth it. we drove down saturday afternoon around 3, checked in, napped, then went out for dinner (had to forego the capital grille and settle in at p.f. chang's because we wouldn't have been on time had we trudged through the snow) and headed over to the show. the boston opera house is so beautiful. words don't do justice. gilded ceilings and red cushioned seats with beautiful crystal chandeliers. the lion king was amazing and i loved every minute of it. we had incredible seats. close ups of the makeup and costumes and set. superb.

we trekked back to the hotel, wind against us the entire way. (i really wished i had worn boots. oops. lesson learned.) when we woke up in the morning it had snowed over 20 inches and wasn't letting up. there were no cars on the road and mass was deemed a state of emergency. absolutely no one could get anywhere.

and so we made the best of it. everyone slept late, brunched it up, then had afternoon tea. my dad and i braved the cold and walked around boston common, which was literally just an untouched blanket of white. beautiful. around 7 we went to rock bottom, a nearby restaurant, for dinner and the patriots.

this morning we left early and were back in lil rhody by 10. i studied the whole way in the car, as well as in bits and pieces yesterday, and a lot on friday night when i arrived home from pep band.

on tap for tomorrow are (a) english and (b) music theory. please wish me luck.

things that suck:

i) our basement heating pipes burst, thus leaving me without
a) heat
b) hot running water
c) happy parents

2) my period d calc exam tomorrow which is rather important because
a) it is worth 20% of my semester grade

*sigh*

on the bright side, music theory was not as bad as anticipated, and my english exam will be scaled. and i already showered tonight before the pipes burst. thank god it was only in the basement, too.

::squints to see more silver linings...::

to motivate myself i keep a copy of the 300+ page yale college programs of study big blue book by my side so that i have to see it before i can even so much as think of closing my notebooks and calling it a night.

so far its working pretty well considering i've literally locked myself in my bedroom with the most meager of sustenance and an entire package of sharpened pencils, plus 12 brand new mechanical ones.

insane? pish posh.

see y'all at ccri.

this story and this story make me hate the world.

the only thing to seethe my blind rage is a wicked hot, wicked long shower with the newly replaced hot water / heating pipeline.

3 down, 2 to go. physics tomorrow and ap spanish on friday.

this is the homestretch.

spanish tomorrow, so this will have to be short and sweet.

there it is. the culprit that ravaged my household for multiple days and nights and temporarily led to a loss of heat on the first floor of my house (s'all good though - my room is on the second floor). the menace that escaped the eyes of the repairmen (yes, plural; they had to call in the reinforcements) for hours and, once located, took another two to properly mend. the nuisance that wrought havoc on the eve of my metaphorical murder (aka ap calc exam). we have conquered, and i have the photo to prove it.

ap spanish tomorrow.

tonight i am armed with a venti komodo dragon blend (free trade friendly!!!!) and three notebooks worth of preparation.

in less than 24 hours i will be donning my toga and playing some pep band tunes. you are guaranteed pictures galore of my hot rhythm section boyz with naught but a white sheet. if that doesnt pique your interest, i don't know what will. oh, right. how about we add some rock n bowl in the mix? strobe lights, slippery shoes, silly smiles. hot damn tomorrow is going to be fucking awesome (after 1015a, that is.)

in less than 14 hours, exam week will be over and i will be shopping the pain of spanish away as i scour the mall for the perfect complimentary jewelry for my the famed winter ball off.

later bitchessssssssss

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that extra special once a year event has already come and gone. I can hardly believe it myself, I know. Those of you who were there, know the amount of great fun and debauchery experienced by all. If only we were able to dress in togas more often….

In the briefest of recaps, I offer you the following:

<3 band geeks <3

pat, aka ‘the king of lsa’ has returned to the mother ship. It was good to have him back, we were lacking a proper sax solo during watermelon man. (Please take note of the hat. The hat story will come later. I need to gain proper composure so as to recount the tale of the regatta cap.)

T-2! The ever- fabulous Katie and Joe duo.

Two claps for Corey getting into Emmanuel! Two more!

It was like my own personal gun show……

A surprised will and a profile shot. (::Drools over Stratocaster::)

Corey thrashing, most likely during Sing cubed.

King sophomore. Er, junior.

Once the game was over, off to Rock ‘n Bowl we went. These were the hottest shoelaces ever. You can’t tell in the photo, but they glow in the dark and are, therefore, amazing.

Our team was: Charles (Char), Qwerty (Corey), The King (Pat), Nickelodeon (Nick), and Cokey (myself. It was originally dubbed due to my strong affinity for coke, the refreshing beverage, but it was later deem that my love of the narcotic was far more fitting.)

*THE* hat. Okay, now, every day that patty takes me to and from school, I have automatic shotgun. Like, it’s just assumed. Now, Pat decided one day to demand a ride home. He lives on the other side of Cranston, I might add. Okay, fine. I can deal. But he then proceeded to claim shotty. (Bitch.) I, the ever graceful friend I am, permit him to assume my throne. (Albeit a bit grudgingly.) Randomly, on route 10, Pat decided to stick his head out of the car window, thus losing his hat. Now, I, quite frankly, don’t give a fuck. Shucks, lost hat, okay, let’s go, I have to go home and take a nap. But, ohhhhh no. Turns out the hat’s from some regatta in Key West and is worth a shitload of money because they only make like, 10 because only the members of the winning team receive one. So what do we do? Take the next exit, turn around, take the next exit, turn around again, and pull over in the breakdown lane on route 10. route fucking 10. And we weren’t really even pulled over as much as just stopped temporarily in the right most lane. Pat jetted, retrieved the filthy, disgusting, hat buried under a pile of slush next to a snowdrift. *This* is me wearing the hat that he never would have lost had he not DEMANDED my shotgun position. (I repeat, bitch.)

That’s okay, it’s all good, because today he surprised me with a hot vanilla chai. So I forgive him. Plus, I got to wear *the* hat!!

A somewhat high very happy corey. And char! (my favorite part about this picture is corey was wearing haj’s hat.)

Politely posed lovely ladies!
---------------------
I’m just going to let this montage speak for itself.

someday i will write my memoirs. i'm going to need you to buy them though. i'll make em really good, i've got tons of material and i'm not even 18 yet.

promise me at least the paperback edition, please?

last night i couldn't get to sleep until about 2 in the morning. and i didn't even write down anything i was feeling because i never would want to read it.

this morning my aunt passed away.

this afternoon i was accepted into tulane.

tomorrow my mom leaves for california for 9 days.

and the roller coaster accelerates.