smileyjess

i sense that feeling of emptiness creeping up on me from behind yet again. i can't explain it. i sink into these terrible black abysses (abyssi?) and then must claw my way back up to where the air is fresh and the light shines brightly. it's so easy to lose your way down there, and very difficult to return to the top. this time i'm screeching to a halt right here, right now.

i honestly don't know how to describe it. every morning i wake up with a pain that lies right behind my eyes. i feel as though i'm about to faint when i place my bare feet on the cold hardwood floors of my bedroom in the day's dawn of total darkness. my muscles tense up and my shoulders are permanently hunched. i can't seem to focus on anything for more than 30 seconds. i'm absolutely unable to make eye contact. at night, i spend half an hour making a dinner i dont eat and settle for stove popped popcorn with enough salt leftover to coat the entire bottom of the bowl. i pull at the strands of my hair, wishing they weren't so split. i feel altogether simply... too much. taking up too much space. too much talking. so i retreat to this seemingly bottomless rabbit hole where i have weird dreams and everyone on the road is out to get me. i hate being alone. even more though... i hate feeling alone when i'm not.

there are those certain moments, in the presence of certain people, where i feel fine. smiles and laughs come more easily, naturally. unafraid to say what i feel, no holds barred. bold and brazen. certain moments where i'm completely comfortable with a silence between us, as if we don't have to prove anything by a constant flow of conversation. no pressure. complete complacency. tranquility.

i close my eyes and i'm so far away from here.

Perfect Girl
Sarah McLachlan

Am I faithful, am I strong,
am I good enough to belong
In your reverie a perfect girl
Your vision of romance is cruel
and all along I played the fool
All your expectations bury me

Don't worry you will find the answer
if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo
know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time

I own my insecurities
I try to own my destiny
That I can make or break it if I choose
But you take my words
and twist them 'round
Til I'm the one who brings you down
Make me feel like
I'm the one to blame for all of this...

You need everybody with you on your side
Know that I am here for you but I hope in time
You'll find yourself alright alone
You'll find yourself with open arms
You'll find yourself you'll find yourself in time

The riot in my heart decides
to keep me open and alive
I have to take myself away from you
'Cause I can't compete
I can't deny there's nothing
that I didn't try
How did I go wrong in loving you

Don't worry you will find the answer
if you let it go
Give yourself some time to falter
But don't forgo
know that you're loved no matter what
And everything will come around in time