smileyjess

there are many things about myself that intensely displease me. i won't bother to go too far in depth because many of those things have to do with my physical appearance and are far beyond my actual ability to improve. (or so i'm beginning to realize and accept.)

but then there are several aspects of my personality that i am able to change. my tendency to interrupt, not knowing when to stop asking questions and pestering, my obnoxious laugh, my inability to ever say the words that need to be heard or the words i really need to say. the way my mind freezes up when someone else cries, or the way i spend far too much time complaining to people who don't need to hear it. the way i am constantly on edge, the way i don't often enough show my appreciation.

all these things i'm working on bit by bit. there is another however, that stands adamantly in my path to becoming a 'good person.' a seemingly insurmountable obstacle, i always fall victim to its enormousness and succumb to its vortex of unneeded suffering and emotional exhaustion.

i have the most amazing ability to hold a grudge.

i am not proud of this vice; rather, i do make honest attempts towards eliminating it. it is not often that i pick fights with people, but when i'm on a warpath, you sure as hell better watch out. as is inherently in my nature, i will apologize first. i hate admitting when i am at fault, but i will never sacrifice a friendship/acquaintanceship over petty matters wherein i'm of the wrong attitude.

but when it's not my fault - i don't owe you a blessed thing. so don't expect - most of all - an apology from me. i will be civil, yes. apologetic, no. i don't appreciate having my forgiveness taken advantage of, and there's only so much one person can take.

for the first time ever, i have composed for myself a list of resolutions. i wrote them down inside my newest journal with the beautiful paintings of the early 20th century impressionists on each page. my words are ugly compared to the beautiful landscapes of waterlilies and sunflowers and haystacks and picnics all in brilliant shades and pastels of greens and blues and golds and deep reds. i wish my words were more flowery and flowed more freely like that of the water under the japanese bridge in monet's garden like the page for today, January 3rd, but there is no way to conceal my horrible inability to forgive.

it makes me feel like a terrible person. i want to just... let go. of the past, of you, of your little idiosyncracies that drive me up a walllllll. for the past three days, i've been trying it out. this whole 'letting go.' and i've got to tell you - it's wonderful. without bearing a grudge, there is literally so much weight lifted that was formerly (seemingly) cemented upon my brittle backbone, forcing me to drag along the ground, my mind encapsulated in strong dislike and harsh thoughts of which i was not proud.

so there. i refuse to deny myself happiness on yet another level just because of you.

i care not, therefore i am a 'better person.' even though i don't owe you anything, i will remain civil. i will accept your apology (so long as it is sincere.) i will no longer number the many ways in which i feel wronged. instead, i'm letting them go. go where, i'm not sure. just away from here. like you.

free.