smileyjess

“I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are.” chbosky, the perks of being a wallflower, page 24.

so i suppose i'll try my best to recapitulate the whirlwind of the last few days.

1. tulane
all i have to say is i am so happy to have such an incredible safety school. since being accepted into their School of Public Health and Tropical Medicine (comprised of less than 1400 undergraduates) i've thumbed through the beautiful mailings theyve sent me and i've saved for the past two years. (um, i'll be completely honest and flat out tell you -- and ryan will attest to this -- that the only reason i applied there was their awesome color scheme. like, i wish i was joking, but i'm not. "Ways Not to Choose a College" by me.) it really is a beautifully enchanting campus in the heart of n'oleans. and heck, i hate the south, but maybe it wouldn't be that bad if they offer me a decent chunk of change...

2. i am missing so many people right now. i can't even keep track. i want to be with them all, and i want them all to be with me right here, right now. i want warm smiles and "shhh, it's okay"'s and pats on the back and cups of steaming tea and soft light in the dining room and laughs and tinkling glasses with toasts for better tomorrows and new beginnings. i want to say goodbye one last time to everyone i've ever lost. i want to make sure they know i love them. i want to stop having my eyes water so much. i want to stop thinking. i want to remember that it's better this way, but it's so hard and i'm so terribly selfish.

3. i want more words. now, damn it.

4. i had the honor of taking madeleine home this afternoon, post failing all of my acadec tests (dear god, the 14 hour acadec competition culminating a supposed year of study is in 1 month..... so screwed..... ). whilst passing cows and christmas tree farms on the way to coventry, i was able to receive a lot of answers from her regarding a few questions i've been harboring about younger siblings. she's so awesome, and i'm so lucky to know her. also, we reminisced about our carousing a month ago....

5. dave matthews = god. i haven't listened to him in well over 4 months. i'm so ashamed to admit it, but i've just been so caught up in my perpetual brand new obsession, then franz ferdinand, then old school everclear (to whom i will always devote half of my self), then brand new a few more weeks, and howie day as of late. but today i put in live from luther college disc 1 as i was casually half reading a book (good in bed, chicklit at its best!!!) and by track two (#41) i was in a complete state of tranquility. granted it lasted all of 5 minutes and 38 seconds, but you take what you can get.

6 through about 1006. too much other stuff but i dont feel like typing.

#41 (for probably the millionth time i've posted it.)
Come and see
I swear by now I’m playing time
I against my troubles
I’m coming slow but speeding
Do you wish a dance and while i’m
In the front
The play on time is won
But the difficulty is coming here

I will go in this way
And find my own way out
I wont tell you to stay
But I’m coming to much more
Me
All at once the ghosts come back
Reeling in you now
What if they came down crushing
Remember when I used to play for
All of the loneliness that nobody
Notice now
I’m begging slow I’m coming here
Only waiting I wanted to stay
I wanted to play
I wanted to love you

I’m only this far
And only tomorrow leads my way

I’m coming waltzing back and moving into your head
Please, I wouldnt pass this by
I would take any more than
What sort of man goes by
I will bring water
Why wont you ever be glad
It melts into wonder
I came in praying for you
Why wont you run
In the rain and play
Let the tears splash all over you

my theory teacher rocks literally and figuratively. he tries to be all hard core i'm-in-a-band rocker, but he's totally like a cuddly teddy bear. i mean seriously, who writes notes like the following on a random saturday morning whim and then announces it to the class that you had better check it before friday because it will only appear on edline for 'a limited time only'???

i'm putting it here for everyone to see how awesome he is. also so its availability is not really restricted.

(btw i got a 97 on his exam. ::cracks whip:: that's right. four part chorales, major/minor key signatures, harmonic/melodic scales, and inverted thirds and sevenths are all now my bitchessssssss. watch out, ear training. you're my next victim. ::cracks whip a second time::)

all i can say is. #!$!#$!%!$%!$# yeah. it's second semester.

HOME STRECTH!!! Wow seniors, it seems like just yesterday I came to LSA to meet my first group of Intro students. Now here you all are, starting your last semester at La Salle! Amazing isn't it? I'm truly excited and very happy that you all started and will finish your careers at LSA in one of my classes...I wish you all the very best of luck with all of the many things that go on during the next several months and remind you all:

Best wishes,
Mr. B

what was left of the winter evening light was a soft blue gray, like cotton batting, and it looked as if you could reach out and touch it, but for the stark calligraphy of trees etched onto the sky.

all the seasons here in the north move toward their own end, except winter, which moves toward its center and sits there to see how long you can take it.

excerpted from the newest novel by marya hornbacher, the center of winter, harpercollins, page 78.

i am tired.

and sick.

i am self medicating.

and going to sleep.

sweet dreams.

sixteen hours of sleep later and i'm still inexplicably exhausted. i have finished the center of winter and it is now my new favorite book. my mom has decided to come home from california tomorrow night. i want to take tuesday out of school.

i wish i had the motivation to write about about how fucking awesome winter ball was and also to post the multitude of pictures i snapped before, during, and after. however right now i dont even want to change into my pajamas, nor can i even so much as pick up a writing utensil to do my english homework.

i forgot to tell you i love you and the night's too long and cold here without you i grieve in my condition for i cannot find the words to say i need you so

the hair

my mom was away, and – quite obviously, my dad is a terrible photographer. Pardon la mochila.

liz and rye, aka the loves of my life!

raybob and mertdog

katie and matt (by now, they have got this pose down to a science – I think I have another one somewhere on my hard drive almost exactly like it!)

tim and…………. I got nothin’

a wicked scary picture of ryan (notice the shadow looming ominously in the background!) I don’t know where his date is… hiding, most likely!

2 pimp 4 U

these are liz’s breasts with the bling bling catucci gave her for her birthday. He made it himself! (the necklace, not the out of this world cleavage… god! What I wouldn’t give…)

the after party was at catucci’s. no, he did not go to winter ball. yes, it was the same party as the week before, and the week before that, and the week before that…

this is where I parked.

I don’t know about you, but my house is entirely free of barbed wire.

it reads: keep this place clean. Um…. Good advice. Completely ignored, but good.

I can’t wait to see who will be the first to fall down these stairs. Apparently the urine jon found at the bottom of them was not actually urine, but… well… a beverage. I find it hard to believe though. I’m so happy I opted not to sleep over. In the morning the toilet was flooded with vomit and the sink didn’t work. Plus it was a warehouse, dudes. Fucking cold. And rye and I couldn’t even explore because dan’s father has the place completely wired with cameras everyyyyyywhere.

we played with the ouija board and i laughed at the expense of others.

my carousing companion forever – the always beautiful Madeleine

my mom came home today and my dad bought her the most beautiful roses and I couldn’t resist…

Oh life! Live it fully, abundantly. Do not look back, do not look at others, follow that flame which burns inside yourself. Dare, take risks, and there is nothing you will regret, and there is plenty you will get.

Itnash

yesterday sunny, will, pat, and i played a game in music theory. we made up a story from our super simple music sequence of two measures in 4/4 time consisting of eight quarter notes. (it was about a woman looking out an apartment [.... but maybe it was just me who saw it taking place in an apartment?] window in the rain as a car [...i pictured it as a cab] pulled away from a puddle laden curb.)

for homework we had to write another sequence. after i wrote mine i tried playing it on the acoustic. it was weird because i knew how i wanted it to hear, but i wasn't entirely able to work out the roman numerals.

anyways, afterwards i sat down and tried to write what it was supposed to be about.

speechless, skinless, spineless, i watched my world disappear as though sucked through the cylindrical chutes of a high powered vacuum. Mercilessly picked at scabs now left large open wounds tainted a deep velvety crimson. i had promised myself to never again feel my fingernails scratching slightly beneath the outermost surface... that final slight tug that causes the vessels to redirect their flow, pummeling the thick blue liquid with oxygen, a rerouted escape from the confines of an unrecognizable image. powerless against its forceful, unafraid trek across uncharted oceans, the sleeve of my favorite denim jacket lightly brushed the opened skin, the revealed inadequacies, the terrible habit. usually i curse myself and solemnly swear to never again interfere with the work of the healing process; too many imperfections, stains, scars arleady. usually i frantically scurry for a tissue, a bandage, a cloth - anything to stop the flow (the flaw), form a barrier, hide the habit.

not this time. like everything else from that moment - that moment when you left, that moment when my present became my past, that moment when you became nothing more than a mere memory - the pain was different. i held back tears and i held back words and i held back the urge to pleadingly follow you, but i could not stop the inevitable surfacing of the blood. numb to its pain, i closely examined - through my dry, unsalty eyes and dark lashes - its steady spread in the tightly woven threads of the old cloth, seeming concentric circles of my cells, the perfection of the pattern. (the perfection of my imperfection.) in the least masochistic manner, i sought comfort in its steadfast course. i made no false promise to not nonchalantly pick apart the thin, easily torn layer of temporary skin that i knew would soon be the former's replacement. truth be told i didn't even mind the stain ("dry clean only").

when i see it today, my mind is flooded like the denim's threads, inundated with picked-at memories of you and your similar false promises. and somehow you valiantly return each time i poorly, halfheartedly attempt to break you into microscopic patterned pieces to examine more closely; pick you apart.

i try to cover up the jacket's blot (the reds and blues have mixed, nearly almost faded, a deep purple today), but i wear the scar like a badge.

these 5 day school weeks are killing me. literally just ripping my insides to shreds.

and i didn't even go in until third period today.

benadryl makes me deliriously sleepy.

i couldn't really sleep tonight. one of those nights where you flip over the pillow so many times its warm on both sides and your sheets are just all disheveled and not at all cocoonlike, the way they should be.

this is because i didn't make my bed this morning and collapsed upon it when i got home tonight.

i tried listening to some mellow dave but my toes were copying the bass drum line and my thoughts were waltzing about as though insomniac ballroom dancers.

switched it over to beck's sea changes and tried not to listen to lyrics too much.

as you can see, that didn't work either. i'm waiting for water to boil for my chamomile tea and had a spare minute. looks like it's going to be a long night.

Guess I'm Doing Fine
-beck-

There’s a blue bird at my window
I can’t hear the songs he sings
All the jewels in heaven
They don’t look the same to me

I just wade the tides that turned
Till I learn to leave the past behind

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

All the battlements are empty
And the moon is laying low
Yellow roses in the graveyard
Got no time to watch them grow

Now I bade a friend farewell
I can do whatever pleases me

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

Press my face up to the window
To see how warm it is inside
See the things that I’ve been missing
Missing all this time

It’s only lies that I’m living
It’s only tears that I’m crying
It’s only you that I’m losing
Guess I’m doing fine

rapid recap:

friday night: bright beach memoirs with patty mike steph mal corey will tom dave tj meg joe. (supporting shannon, of course!!!) friendly's. more assorted lasallians, most prominently mikayla, lacey, brianna, mike, et al. $10 from my dad for dinner that i pocketed. popcorn when i got home. call from matt during which we mapped out my april california vacation in the o.c., biotchessss.

saturday: up early and green mountain coffee and work. acadec and madeleine and sadness and feigning studying astronomy, art, social science, economics, mathematics, speech writing, music, antigone, and oedipus. hitting up east greenwich with ryan. shopping for charm bracelets for my mom and my sister. vanilla latte and peanut butter chocolate cookie at main street cafe. weekly christian propaganda at mass. pizza. dodgeball. homework at 2 in the morning.

sunday: slept late. brunch in jamestown. shopping in the afternoon on thames street. walking around, looking at the newport mansions. beautiful weather. chilly, but absolutely beautiful. my sister's all state concert. chinese food at 10 o clock. homework.

and now....

sunday nights give me the worst stomachaches. i afraid of what this school week will bring.... deep breath... okay, 5 days to go until vacation.... i can do this....

vacation looks to be good. i think i'm visiting princeton one day, possibly yale(pleaseletmegetin) another. ryan and i want to do a day trip to new york to see "the gates" in central park. i'll work, i'll make money, i'll get the highlights i've needed for at least two weeks now. i'll be happy. and then, when i go back to school, i'll have about 9 weeks left.

sweetness.

i tried to forget it was valentine's day, but someone made it especially difficult with the big bag o' skittles taped to my locker and someone else sending me a flower... thank you guyssssssssssssssss much love <3

heard this one on the way to school this morning, so fitting!

"Piece of My Heart"

Come on Come on Come on Come on

Didn't I make you feel
Like you were the only man
Yeah I did not give you nearly everything that a woman possibly can
honey you know I did
Each time I tell myself that I well I think I've had enough
What I'm gonna show you baby is that a woman can be tough

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on
And take it
Take another little piece of my heart now baby
Break it
Break another little bit of my heart now darlin' yeah
Have a
Have another little piece of my heart now baby
You know you got it if it makes you feel good, oh yes it did

You're out on the streets lookin' good
And baby deep down in your heart
I guess you know that it ain't right
Never never never never never never
Hear me when I cry, cry, cry, cry
Baby I cry all the time
Each time I tell myself that I well I can't stand the pain
But when you hold me in your arms I'm singing once again

I want you to come on, come on, come on, come on
And take it
Take another little piece of my heart now baby
Break it
Break another little bit of my heart now darlin' yeah
Have a
Have another little piece of my heart now baby
You know you got it if it makes you feel good, oh yes it did

"...What is that feeling when you're driving away from people and they recede on the plain till you see their specks dispersing?--it's the too-huge world vaulting us, and it's a good-by. But we lean forward tot he next crazy venture beneath the skies..." -on the road

when i grow up, i aspire to be jack kerouac.

today i drove with the sunroof open.

for some reason this made me think of christian service (aka "mandatory volunteerism")

nataliedee.com you really need to go there right now because that chick is effing hilarious

things i hate EVEN MORE SO THAN BEFORE as of today:
1. black ice
2. jail
3. physics

i'm an equal opportunity hater when it comes to these three things.

long overdue update.

so i was in jail the other day. pegasus went on a "tour" of sorts of maximum security at the aci. it was terrible. the first thing i saw upon passing through the metal detectors was a plaque of names of murdered max security guards since the jail's opening. yeahhhhhh. and it was big too, about 4 feet wide and 3.5 tall. scary. then we were seated in what i believe was their cafeteria? and three guards showed us some weapons they have discovered, among them chiseled down shanks from the metal bar of a mop and pens with hidden razor blades. excellent. then four prisoners - all of them murderers - sat down and talked to us. all that separated us from them was a thin red line on the floor. at one point the walkie talkies of the guards got all staticky and they deciphered some sort of code. the prisoners stood up and were herded off to the side, and one of the guards locked them behind a door while another dude passed through with guns along his belt and pepper spray at the ready.

i kid you not.

then we walked around one of the cell blocks, passing more prisoners on the way. the cell block we went to was empty, and we were allowed to enter one. i opted to stand off from the side, which i guess means i can add claustrophobia to my list of diseases. (it should be noted that i did not touch any of the stuff the guards passed around and maintained minimal contact with my seat and the stairway railings and door handles. the prisoners are only mandated to clean their cells about once a month. that is disgusting. a lot of them have one or several STD's or scabies or lice. ::shiver::) people even went where the dudes shower. i was so repulsed i wanted to vomit.

afterwards we went back to school and had a discussion, at which time i discovered i was in the minority in feeling that the whole trip was a waste of my time. none of the stuff the prisoners discussed applied to me, and i think it was utterly stupid that we even had to go. people were trying to be all appreciative of the sociological aspect of it, but - for me - that is one sociological aspect i could have easily lived without. the whole thing weirded me out and i did not appreciate being yelled at by some 400 pound dude who was facing a life sentence plus 25 years because he murdered a few people and 'trainraped' women (and has the videotapes to prove it - buddha help him, he was proud of it) that he had drugged.

onto happier news! friday was formal night for the pep band. i have finally gotten around to uploading some pictures and here they are for your viewing pleasure.

my seenyaz.

the love pit

nick’s feet on the jam pad

corey, looking rather Interpol esque

nick with a balloon statically electrified to his hair

saxy corey

charlotte with her sax

nick on an amp (“i’ve known bigger dorks!”)

me and kate

t2!

t1!

nick has pretty eyes. here is a picture of one of them.

pat and myself

warning: extreme sentimentality ahead.

i love you pep band.

these three years have flown. a set list hovering just above 40 songs. the greatest bunch of people gathering twice, sometimes three times a week to do what they love. a passion fulfilled. an interest augmented and a talent intensified exponentially. crazy lengths of cables and power. always encouraging and with ear to ear smiles amidst calculus books and drama that you couldnt even write for days of our lives.

i, for one, thank madeleine. the most unbelievable tuba-ist ever, her presence was missed tonight, though i felt her there in spirit. she convinced me to join, and then ross (in all his plaid striped pants glory) said i needed to fill his shoes. i joined the first day of school when haj asked me if i played an instrument during my period c honors chemistry course.

i met ben and was positively blown away, really kind of scared away. his immense talent was seriously just that overwhelming (correct me if i'm wrong, but he's currently the recipient of the jimi hendrix scholarship while studying at berklee school of music in bawston.) and then, there was of course, andy, who was kind enough to drive me to and fro at my whim, only in retrospect am i really able to realize just how much of a pain i must have been. silly sophomore! not only that, but to be welcomed by the other members of Blue Midnight Special (whose cd, i'll have you know, will forever sit atop my cd rack, surpassing even all 23 of my DMB cd's.) Will and Aaron, polar opposites, but beautifully collaborating to compose some awesome jazz for a quartet of 18 year olds. and mattie camp, whom i befriended despite his seat being all the way in the trumpet section. cris ryan. aka god of the bass. it seems so essential for me to never lose touch with the core of that year's graduating class. andy will ben i love you guys so much.

and then last year, realizing that in a year it would be me. wow.

and then tonight, when it was me.

i'm a senior, and this is my last home game.

one third of the band stood on the court tonight, and i was so proud of everyone. i never thought it possible, but nick more than filled ben's shoes, and will - so inspired by cris - is unbelievable. corey = utter insanity. there ain't a drumstick he can't break. i love just sitting there and watching him thrash, and nick solo like no one's business. my love pit. my rhythm section. you guys literally rock my socks.

and you - you who may laugh when we freak out over a flyaway basketball, you who mock the way of the toga, you who underappreciate nick's licks, you who leave a game right after it ends without having to take down 1,000,000 pounds of equipment - you, yes you.

well, i feel sorry for you. because i know i have had something you will never have. the harmony that results when a bunch of wickedfriggenawesomelytalented musicians come together for a good time. hot to go, indeed.

thanks, pep band 04-05. (oh! and emile, our roadie / my groupie)

if i had to, i would absolutely be able to subsist on the following:

1. skittles
2. diet coke
3. carrots
4. honey mustard
5. stove top popped popcorn
6. cucumbers
7. salt
8. cool whip
9. marshmallow fluff
10. red vines

next year, at whatever college i choose to attend, i plan on selling my meal card and putting the money towards my grad school savings account.

so the wonderfully kind people at tulane enrollment have deemed me a "distinguished scholar" and bestowed upon me an annual award of $22,000. (thank you, tulane admissions, have i mentioned you totally rock my socks?) my parents were so surprised. they can't seem to fathom that not only have i been accepted to college, but someone is willing to give us $88,000 (before financial aid!!)

not a lot has been going on this vacation week; i forgot to mention the lovely trip corey and i made last sunday to the zen center in cumberland. (i'll post pictures when i have a few minutes - i never even knew there was a zen center in ri!) it was very serene and peaceful. i'm happy i went with cor because it gave us some good bonding time and an experience to share. oh!!!! and we listened to the new beck album, as in, the one due out sometime next month? yeah, you wish you rolled with us. it is AMAZING and i heart it mucho. (this thanks is additionally extended to robb simply because he is the man.)

obviously, last night was senior night. both my parents were in attendence as well as shelby and ryan and nana and tata. i used to get embarassed about large family gatherings in public, but now i am realizing how incredibly lucky i am to have such support.

today my mom took a half day (!) and she, shelby, and i ventured to the wrentham outlets. i ask you - what is better than a new pair of j. crew jeans? two pairs of j. crew jeans! and a skirt that i found buried beneath a heap of just-in items labeled for $40 that rang up as $9 when i got to the register. the cashier said it was right, so who am i to argue? HECK YES. additionally, sweaters were purchased at the republic of bananas and el gap. i drooled over a hot pink trench in versace, alas, my bag was already much lighter than it was upon parking the car, and we said a tearful farewell in front of the mirror. shelby bought herself a new coach purse, of which i hold much envy. i'm kind of regretting all those times i never shared with her.... so it goes.

in other news, tomorrow i'm working and friday i'm homeworking. saturday i'm totally buried in my acadec studies and sunday is new york city. oh! and we're dogsitting.

that is all.

for the first time in my near 18 years of being, i think i am grounded.

something is wrong about me.

Days are changing with the weather
Like a riptide come rip us away
I push, I pull, the days go slow

my dad and i went to new york city yesterday. we were in central park by 1030am and just walked the footpaths for a good 3.5 hours (overall, a total of at least 65 blocks.) i loved the gates. i was afraid it would be a bit too overrated for me and i wouldn't like it at all, but it ended up being awesome. i can't reall describe it without sounding foolish or as though i'm buying into the concept christo and jean claude have created. i absolutely loved the contrast of the billowing saphron sheets against the absolute whiteness of the snow and stark deadness of the trees. kind of reminds you that spring is right around the corner....

here are some photos i snapped for y'all....

afterwards we explored the museum of modern art until about 6. recently redesigned under the direction of yoshio taniguchi (an architect i had studied during my intro to architecture course at risd two years ago), the new MoMA is twice the size of the old and simply beautiful. soaring atriums and lovely natural light against whitewashed walls. there is also an elegant sculpture garden that sharply contrasts the glass, granite, aluminum and other assorted mediums that compose the structure of the culturally and historically renowned museum (right in the heart of new york on west 53rd in between 5th and 6th avenues.)

i ducked into saks and bought myself some boots that i had been coveting for quite some time. they were on sale, and i just couldn't resist. we dined at maxie's delicatessen in times square. i slept the whole way home and woke up at 11 this morning because my mom informed me of my harvard interview. it went well, the alumni (a doctor) who interviewed me told me to wear jeans (i wore my new boots too - couldn't resist) and it was really very casual and comfortable. and only 40 minutes (compared to 2 hours for yale and 1.5 hours for brown.) but yeah. there's my weekend.

school starts up again tomorrow, stress induced entries shall henceform resume.

well, i have mourned since the nominations were announced, and i bit my lip the whole evening last night as i watched the oscars for all of 40 unbearable minutes, but no longer shall i refrain from expressing my utter disgust at the complete lack of jude law during the show. a snub of all snubs, the academy failed to honor this beautiful creature crafted by the hands of the Almighty himself as a gift to all of mankind (men and women alike). the poor sexiest man alive of 2004, worked his tight little butt off filming 6 movies and looking hot all the freaking time and yet not a one acknowledgement of his stellar accomplishments.*

i mean, at the least the onion has its priorities in place!

*a fair and balanced view entirely devoid of the slightest trace of bias.