the last song i allowed myself to listen to that morning was Clumsy. rather ironic, no?
i'm still convinced it was karma because even the insurance company decreed that i was not at fault. freak 15 minute snow squall, an insignificant cloud that chose to burst at the most inopportune of times, while i was on my way to school, the morning after a night of below zero wind chill and cold toes snuggled under an extra comforter layer.
you can't even make the argument that i was overtired. i was wide awake, having received possibly the most amount of sleep i had in weeks. i probably cried myself to sleep around 930. they didn't want me + i'm so useless + woe is me + what's the point of it all? = one big Ophelian heap nestled into the cool, wet side of the pillow, books untouched for the night, journal abandoned, pages torn to shreds in anger. fuck it, right? they'd never know i didn't do my homework this one night. i was so awake that morning that i knew i wouldnt need jon's little helper to get me through the day.
nope, i was a-okay! ego battered, insides flip-flopped, eyes slightly puffy, but mind clear. i had reverted to plan b. previously unwanted and pushed to the far reaching, cobwebby corners of my shadowy thoughts, i now dusted it off and mended its flaws. i had been ready for this all along, i assured myself.
luck? i don't believe in it. we have complete control of our individual fates; luck implies some sort of unbiased selection process, randomly doling out fate like a slot machine doles out money for certain players. no it was not luck or lack thereof.
i was in the slow lane. many will testify that this is normally the last place you'd find me. i heard my friend despite her absence: "ramps and overpasses freeze first." approaching my exit at a snail's pace, i turned of the mix cd (could you have been any more cliche?) you had left me a few months ago.
for the record, i was only listening to it because they were all songs i had put on a mix tape for you oh so long ago and, damn, it had a sweet selection of songs!
really, though, clumsy was quite fitting.
i did all i could but it obviously wasn't enough. i got banged up and bruised but have no visible scars.
only now i am afraid to drive. it's strange. i wasn't this fearful at first; every day it augments, and i know this isn't healthy, sometimes tears well up at the wheel and i clean the windshield as if that's what's really bothering me.
i have repeated nightmares.
i have repeated daymares.
my fear grips me in a cold unforgiving grasp and i become frozen solid. kind of like black ice. you can't really notice it until you're right on top of it. literally. after you pass it, it cracks and cracks more and more.
splits into pieces.
this entry is all over the place and ultimately it will not serve a purpose except to let you know that i'm not alright. but i will be. i'm in the process of mending. it takes time, you know?
chances are you don't. when we decided to total my car, i left the cd in the player. no more OLP for me, thanks. i emptied the contents of my car - pennies, packages of gum, pens, cd's, clothes, $2 mexican blanket, the list goes on - into brightly colored plastic bags. i took with me countless memories, too - brand new and beach trips, concerts and slight scratches, picnics and laughs.
i wish more than anything i could forget this one, but i know i can't.