smileyjess

Obviously, my trip was fabulous. We hiked El Moro Valley, Crystal Cove Canyon, the cliffs of Huntington and Newport beaches, the boardwalk at Laguna, and saw some sites in Venice. I consumed no less than three Jamba’s and shopped to my heart’s content at Fashion Island (aka: Fascist’s Island). We dined at El Ranchito and California Pizza Kithcen and P.F. Chang’s and one night we grilled peppers and other assorted yummy foods over a campfire at Corona del Mar.

Heading back to school last Thursday was a bit rough, but a random stranger bought me a chai at Starbucks and it made my life. School went okay, I guess. I bit my nails for the first time in over two weeks before second period even began. Mahalo. Friday was a lot better. I picked up my prom dress (they installed boobs for me!) so Patty and I went to pick it up. It received the Patty seal of approval! Sweetness! At night Lauren and I caught up over a prolonged meal at Fresh City. It was much needed and full of tasty and delicious assorted salad ingredients. It really was quite excellent to just sit and chat about anything and everything. I had to call it an early night because my mom’s flight was coming in around 945 so I was home by 1030. (She was still in Cali, lucky her!) Saturday I poorly attempted to get a jumpstart on some hdub, then went out with Patty, Corey, and Teej. Mostly we drove around and hung out at Patty’s and it was simple but awesome. Good company.

The week ahead is sure to prove itself busy: three ap exams, one national honor society dinner, one student of the month breakfast, and one doctor’s appointment.

I need to vent quite a bit more, but now is neither the time nor the place.

- received $5,500 more dollars per year towards providence college.

damn. pretty soon they'll be paying me.
this was definitely the right choice.

right?

despite the extra cash, today was not a good day. i woke up feeling all sorts of twisted. my blanket-wrapped burrito-style fetal position was severely warped due to my dreamless tossed-and-turned sleep. i stumbled around, getting ready and making my last minute edits for the eight page paper i wrote yesterday for religion as well as the two pager for english. i had a lovely breakfast of soy granola (mm mm trader joes!) and freshly picked oranges from my uncle's backyard that my mom brought home from cali for me. i wanted it to be a good day, but nothing seemed to work.

feeling rather ominous, i set off for school, weighed down by a calc book i didnt even bother to open and a travel cup of chocolate truffle flavored coffee with two packets of sweetnlow, per usual. the sun glare was particularly terrible today. music positively nauseated me and i'm surprised i made it to school at all.

miraculously i made it through spanish and english (pop timed essay! who does that!!!) then developed an enormous headache unlike any other i've ever had the displeasure of experiencing. seriously, i would not will it upon anyone. mr. b let me go to the nurse for tylenol, and she suggested i stay for a bit and lie down. the thought of sleeping on the awful, yellow plastic cot with unfluffed pillows and still blankets repulsed me. plus kids were in and out and it wasn't as though i would have received any rest anyways.

i ended up coming home and falling asleep in the comfortable pillows of my own couch to the backround of kitchen accomplished on the food channel. i woke up 5 hours later, ate too much food, and fell back asleep.

i'm supposed to make up a physics quiz in the morning from the one i missed last week but i dont foresee that taking place.

i'm also supposed to take the ap calculus exam tomorrow but i dont think i'm doing that either. pc would apply credit (if i actually pulled a 5 with the aid of buddha) only for calc I, meaning i would advance right away into calc II. mmmmm do i really want to do that when i could just take calc I again with an extra solid foundation this time around? nope, didn't think so. i think i'll save my 82 bucks and buy prom shoes.

okay. time for sleep again.

you're not yourself.

it's an odd feeling. it's as though you're on the outside looking in, a mere spectator of your own life. how are you going to feel in the next instant? act? what are you going to say? do? what will be your first thought the next morning? will it be a good day or a bad day? will you appreciate the sun or curse it when it blinds you? why do your legs seem unable to support you when you take those first steps in the morning? why does your head spin no matter how slowly you raise it from its warm nest of soft sheet? why have you suddenly become terribly afraid of the dark? it closes in on you, heavier than your three blankets and the surrounding silence pulses steadily, deafeningly. or maybe that's the blood rushing in your ears. 'the sound of the ocean.'

i have resorted to migrating to my couch around 3am each morning, falling asleep to the sound of my television on the lowest volume possible, contacts out, blurred vision, utter mindlessness. when that doesn't work i retreat back to my room, clean it, hang up clothes, dust spots i missed the night before. around 5 i crawl back into bed, practically squeezing my eyes shut, willing sleep to wash over me like waves on a shoreline, peacefully sweeping me along with the tidal current, far away, afloat on the dense salt water. when my alarm sounds it seems only a blink's worth of time has passed.

i don't like this, but the alternative isn't any better. in fact it's much much worse.

it has been 5 days. i am not myself.

this dismal weather isn't helping my mood one bit. it's not like i'm in a bad mood, per say, just a rather extremely unmotivated and somewhat neutral state of mind. friday i worked for a bit. the rain was starting just as i was pulling out of the parking lot at 6. sweet. perfect timing. just in time for the weekend. i came home to an empty house, thought i'd try to catch a quick rejuvenating powernap before i went out, and didn't wake up until 1030. sorry i didn't hear my cell phone. saturday i helped my mom clean the entire upstairs of the house, including the super-old bookcases. i found our copy of midnight in the garden of good and evil and immediately set about starting it in our comfiest of chairs. before i knew it sleep swept me away again. i woke up and helped make some pizza and cake - it was my grandparents' birthday (They're so close we just always celebrate them at the same time). i've recently developed a high affinity for the food network, so i made a positively delicious spinach and cheese pizza on whole wheat dough with mushroom and onion and cheese stuffed crust. mmm mmm. and dark chocolate truffles with marshmallows, peanuts, raisins, and popcorn. it was great to see the look on my grandparents' faces when we gave them tickets for a red sox / yankees game in july. :)

today for mother's day i had all these elaborate plans of surprising my mom with a four course dinner (even bought all the yummy ingredients at one of her favorite stores -whole foods!) but i felt like a trainwreck. rye invited me to go hiking with him and dan howe tonight but i was deterred by my utter lack of breathing ability and the very strong winds outside as the dusk settled in.

i actually did my calc take home test though, somehow. i just hope i did it correctly.

also i got another $1000 scholarship yesterday (from the lovely people at the rhode island higher education assisstance authority) to put towards books and lab fees. sweet deal. one step closer to my building, right jon?

well, i'm dreading first period music theory tomorrow (i've been to 1 class since i've been home from california) and i think i hear some benedryl calling my name. excuse me, i need to curl up with my new book!

12 more days of classes!!!!

madeleine's theme song:
bah bah black sheep
have you any wool?
yes sir, yes sir
three bales full

the more i go, the more comfortable i become with the prospect of simply talking. it's strange, her listening to no one but me. i sit in a comfy chair, extra cushions, and speak about mundane things that all too often envelope me, crush me. the things that won't go away, the feelings that are not always good.

"how do you feel?" she asks me.
"fine," is my reply.

apparently, though, fine is not a feeling. i sit and think about this. if i am not fine, then what am i?

"not bad?" i toss out, voice rising on the second syllable in question, as though i am testing the water at the beach, standing on the damp sand, feeling the cold rush over my very ticklish toes, retracing my steps back to the chair. and the books. no, not today.

notes are taken. it is funny. i feel like an experiment. scientific method. form a question. gather information. test. observe. record. draw a conclusion. i am many things, but i have a feeling a conclusion is not one of them.

when i don't feel like looking at her, i don't have to. my eyes shift to the floor, to the wall, to the bookshelf. she has cold mountain.

i take notes.

though it's hard to believe... for someone who usually talks too much, sometimes i run out of things, wring my wrists limply, raise my eyebrows, clench my jaw. fold my arms. cross my legs. inhale. exhale.

there is a box of tissues, but i don't use them. i don't need to use them. this is my fault. no sense in feeling sorry for yourself, right?

besides, i am just fine, thankyouverymuch.

today was superb. it started off rather dismally...

don't you hate it in the mornings when you first step out of bed and are already uber dizzy? then you kind of steady yourself and close your eyes and hope for the best the second time you open them?

that's how my day commenced. as i was getting ready for school, a thought crossed my mind: "why?"

with that, pajamas replaced that godforsaken grey wool skirt that i only have to wear 10 more times. i traded heels for slippers, walked downstairs to inform my parents that i, indeed, would not be attending school. i crawled under my covers and instantly fell asleep, later to be awakened with the sun streaming through the sides of my shaded windows.

for some odd reason, i found myself at the academy around 1130. (truth be told - i didn't want to miss calculus league. damn. that is quite the nerdy sentence.)

after school, rye came over and we ate dinner with my family. i made a vegetable chili recipe from the barefoot contessa. mmm mmm. it was positively delicious, and i can't wait to have leftovers for lunch tomorrow!

when rye left around 8, i found another visitor wandering around in my yard:

ain't she perdy?

i hadn't seen her before around our neighborhood, and she had a collar but no tags. also, five ticks. my sister and i cleaned her up a bit and had fun pretending to own her for 90 minutes or so, repeatedly checking outside to see if anyone was searching for her. such a good dog - didn't bark or nip once, totally just sucked it up when we ripped the bloodsuckers from her flesh! much braver than i would be were i a dog.

as it turned out, the family in two houses over had just adopted her from the pound yesterday. while i would have loved to keep her all to myself, i had to return her to her rightful owners. i just can't wait to dogsit. :)

my computer crashed saturday morning

updates will be sporadic, i guess, until we
a) get it fixed
b) buy a new one

i prmomise i'm going to have a ton to write about soon though!!!

hooray for hard drives!

okay, off to chez lauren's for a jolly night of carousing!

it's been awhile, eh?

luckily, i rescued last year's english term paper to hand in this monday as this year's final term paper. how convenient that i no longer have it on my hard drive if (pleasenopleasenopleaseno) we have to hand it in on turnitin.com. stephen is so chill he probably won't even make us do that.

oh, also monday i have to perform my final music theory project, a four bar, four part chorale. (i'm the alto of my quarter, with will singing bass, beth singing soprano, and sunny singing tenor.) it's complete with 6/4 inversions, secondary function chords, three cadences, and all nine non chord tones. if you know what half of those are, i love you.

additionally, first period i have to give a 10 minute spanish presentation on salvador allende and the coup d'etat against his socialist regime. sweetness. pinch me, i'm just so excited.

tomorrow is sure to be incredibly awesome though - renaissance games! for 10.5 hours, starting at ten am sharp! basketball, soccer, flag football, track, volleyball, scrabble, chess, checkers, golf putts, free throws, math, science, geography, spelling, art, essay, poetry, instrument, voice, improv, rope pulls, two mile run. good times.

in other news, i can't recall much from last week. i got another $1,000 scholarship. that means i'm 4 for 4 so far, with 3 more still to hear from. last night patty, teej, corey, shan, zach, and i chillaxed at lau's, making delicious pizzas from scratch! the meat eaters had their pepperoni whilst i was content with tomato slices, onions, mushrooms, peppers, and basil. :) afterwards, we all just sat around talking about how absolutely nuts it is that we're done with high school in 3 days. i ate an enormous bowlful of skittles. seriously. like one pound. definitely felt that today! but it so oh-so-worth it.

after 5 hours of sleep, i woke up and went to work today. instead of being super productive on my three final projects this afternoon, i opted to hit the mall and purchased a lovely new cardigan. rye has recently taken ill, so we weren't able to do anything tonight. i fell asleep around 730 and woke up a little while ago. i suppose i'll go practice la guitarra por la competicion en la manana ahora. hasta luego, amigos.

"....and remember... jesus died on the cross so we could win the renaissance games."

hell yes. and we won! finally!!!!

today, the 23rd of may, had a high of about 54 degrees. this is crazy.

weather like this isn't good for much except moping around, reading, sleeping, and drinking tea. right now, i can hear the rain quickly draining through the gutters outside and the sound of tires gliding on wet pavement, water gently sprinkling the concrete curbs. this entire afternoon has been composed of utter unproductivity. i had the equivalent of three exams today; i think ive earned it. spanish presentation went smoothly enough, i handed in my term paper for english on the bell jar, and successfully sang my alto part for our music theory quartet chorale - all before 1130 this morning. i allowed my mind to wander for the first time all year during calculus, and slept with my eyes open in religion.

in the past eight days, i have read three books: midnight in the garden of good and evil, stones from the river, and the book of ruth. the last one is not the one from the bible but instead a crushing novel that makes you think told from the first person severely limited point of view of a mentally disabled young woman named - you guess it - ruth. this one was my favorite of the trio, striking a resounding chord and making me weary from too many thoughts all at once. i hope to buy prep sometime this week - a quick, lightheard satirical look at the upper class world of popped collars and $34 grosgrain ribbon belts set in a fictional boarding school in massachusetts. i already read the first few chapters online, and i can tell i'll love it.

today, feeling defeated by this weather and weary due to total lack of sun for the past few weeks, my mom and i booked flights for ourselves to go to florida this july. we went to miami/ft. lauderdale area last july and loved it - basically the biggest decisions we had to make each day were: beachside or poolside first? pina coladas or margaritas? we decided to stay again at the sheraton bal harbour resort. i get along really well with my mom when it is just the two of us, plus i'll probably want to spend some quality time with her because i will be in europe for about a month before this trip and heading off to college about a month after it. plus, she's paying. sweet deal.

oh, by the way, i am done with high school in two days. no matter how much i tell myself this, it just doesn't seem real at all.

help
i cannot locate your favorite weapon by brand new anywhere
it is not in my car
it is not in my cd player
it is not in its case
it is not in my sister's cd player
it is not in my parents 12 disc cd player (an unlikely suspicion anyways)
it is not in my cdrom drive

brand new where are youuuuuuu
everyone needs a little bn on horribly dreary days like today.

the no seatbelt song
So, it's sad that doesn't suit you now.
And me fresh out of rope...
Please ignore this lisp,
I never meant to sound like this.
So take me and break me
and make me strong like you.
I'll be forever grateful to this and you.

It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose it's only you.

Fix me to a chain around your neck
and wear me like a nickel.
Even new wine served in old skins
will cheapen the taste.
I shot the pilot,
now I'm begging you to fly this for me.
I'm here for you to use,
broken and bruised.
Do you understand?

so, wow. guess what i just did. if you said my last piece of high school homework, you are absolutely correct.

i repeat: wow.

ap calc was last period today. it was so weird to not have to take notes, to not have to even open my notebook, to not have to worry about my final, to not care if i understood three dimensional x,y,z tangential differentiable planes. to joke about "ap" meaning "a party." ("calculus party is redundant!" mike macnamara, 2005.) to listen to mr mac talk about "making college count." college. im anxious to get there, but suddenly it doesn't seem so hugely intensely ginormously important. like, oh, i wouldn't even mind going into 205 again tomorrow and the day after that and the day after that.

mrs mac was in today. she sat in her usual seat, three rows behind me. on the way out, everyone gave their thanks and received their goodlucks in return. i thought about the day lauren and i went to the als walk and were welcomed into their home like family, big hugs and smiles and cake! we broke cake with the macs! i thought about the first day of class, when mr mac brought nearly everyone to tears explaining mrs. mac's health. i thought about my severe struggles with math and understandable fear of ap calculus.

i hugged mrs mac and she started to cry. i thought i broke her or something; she's so fragile and tiny, barely speaks, a mind tortured by the slow deterioration of the frail shell of a body. it just breaks my heart to see anyone cry, much more so when said person is physically unable to wipe away her tears.

i don't mean to sound so cheesy and sentimental on you all of a sudden, it's just i hate it when i take people for granted. especially two absolutely amazing teachers.

suddenly i'm not so much in a hurry to leave but i'm done at 1245 tomorrow.

it's still surreal.

he suggested we go for a walk. i offered to drive us to a path nearby. we set along the brick lined way, stopping at the end to by ice cream cones, talking incessantly in between licking the drips that snuck down the sides of our hands.

when you're in kindergarten, your biggest worry about a boy is whether or not he will share some crayons with you that day. in elementary school, your best friend is willing to change her seat on the bus in hopes that he'll notice the empty space next to you and fill it. in middle school you write-in 'maybe' on the classic will-you-go-out-with-me-yes-or-no note, just to string him along.

he gingerly picked me a flower and tucked it behind my right ear. its soft red petals tickled, but i didnt reach up to stop his fingertips. we had gone out, broken up, resumed our platonic friendship, started seeing other people. still, i shivered. it wasn't like the bouquets of roses the other boy had given me countless times, the pink ones from the day before had barely bloomed yet in a vase by my stereo.

i let it sit there until i forgot it. we lay, faces toward the sky, pondering cloud shapes and absentmindedly picking patches of the beautifully manicured lawn.

have you ever noticed how it is so much easier to say things to someone when you don't have to look them in the eyes? when you dont have to read their facial expressions? when you dont catch the change in tone of their voice because it gets swept away with the breeze?

on the way home, i reached up to place a stray strand, and the flower fell, its petals brushed my arm on the way down. i suddenly remembered his "gift." he feigned hurt, claiming i hadn't taken care of it, didn't appreciate it.

little did he know how much this smalltinyminiscule gesture meant to me.

little does he know how much this smalltinyminiscule gesture means to me.

he placed it on the dashboard right next to the time so that i'll always think of him when i check it (as he knows i compusively do)!

for awhile, it lived and drew attention, questions. After it died, i didn't bother to clean that part of my car. the soft petals constricted and eventually disintigrated, but stayed intact.

during my accident last december, the force of my two impacts threw the stem into the back seat passenger's side. the ruined pieces of red showered front seats. shocked and shaken, i made my dad retrieve articles from the crushed, accordian-like vehicle. understandabaly, he didn't bother to clean out the petal-strewn driver's chair, deeming the 'dust' unimportant.

in the children's hospital, i thought about the flying red and now-brown pieces while i looked at the clouds painted on the ceiling trying hard to forget that my neck was in a brace and my back on a board. i closed my eyes and willed myself not to cry. my mom tried to calm me, told me there would be more flowers. i knew there would be no such thing.

we hadn't spoken in four months.

i went a week later to make sure i had everything from the little red 'ry before it was to be demolished. i managed to rescue the stem. today it sits in the same spot in my new car.

i see it every day.

i think of dan all the time.

i haven't seen him since august.

-AP Calculus hardcover book
-AP English hardcover book
-AP Spanish hardcover book
-AP Music Theory hardcover book
-Physics hardcover book
-Una Vez Mas workbook
-Music Theory workbook
-Physics Lab workbook
-Religion workbook
-2 Music Theory staff paper notebooks
-4 Calc notebooks
-2 Spanish notebooks
-1 Spanish workbook (when i needed extra help learning subjunctive)
-5 manila envelopes with transcripts
-1 Tulane mailing
-1 Georgetown mailing
-1 Calc CD-ROM
-2 Music Theory CD-ROMs
-1 Idiot's Guide to Music Theory
-3 blank notebooks
-2 Physics notebooks
-1 English notebook
-8 AAA batteries
-4 D batteries
-1 blank tape
-17 Tylenol Gelcaps
-1 TI-83 calculator
-1 pair of sneakers
-1 pair of flipflops
-1 pair of ballet slippers
-1 pair of hot pink sequined moccasins
-1 pair of read suede talbots shoes
-1 Impressionist calendar: 2004
-1 Impressionist calendar: 2005
-1 picture of rye and i
-1 picture of kelly slater
-4 pictures of jude law
-1 pair of gym shorts
-1 pair of socks
-40 pages of Calc midterm exam review
-34 pages of Spanish midterm exam review
-9 copies of college applications
-4 cents
-1 hairbrush
-1 hanger
-1 Tommy Hilfiger purse
-1 L.L. Bean backpack
-32 pens
-14 pencils
-3 highlighters
-1 hairclip
-1 ruler
-1 protractor
-countless index cards

i have been to hell and back. good thing i had incredibly wonderful amigas madeleine and claudia with me!!

dear lauren,
thank you for introducing me to the little slice of heaven that is orange dole whip frozen yogurt.
love, jess

dear corey,
thank you for buying me orange dole whip frozen yogurt.
love, jess

dear high school,
thanks for being over.
love, jess

dear life,
thanks for being awesome.
love, jess