smileyjess

""But I like the inconveniences."

Mustapha Mond shrugged his shoulders. "You're welcome," he said."

-"Brave New World," Aldous Huxley

and we go from aldous to tom, just like that...
i desperately need sleep right now.

"I've learned one thing, and that's to quit worrying about stupid things. You have four years to be irresponsible here. Relax. Work is for people with jobs. You'll never remember class time, but you'll remember time you wasted hanging out with your friends. So stay out late, damn it. Go out on a Tuesday with your friends when you have a paper due Wednesday. Spend money you don't have. Drink until sunrise. The work never ends, but college does." - Tom Petty

i've been wearing the same nail polish for almost five full weeks. it is disgustingly chipped, oblong ovals forming in the centers, deadness beneath the same magenta i always choose, specks fall on the pleats of my heavy knit sweater, hot pink polygon islands in a sea of navy blue ralph lauren. bitten to the quick, and i don't even know what that means.

it was cold last night, and i should have either 1) studied for my civ exam, 2) studied for my calc two exam, or 3) done chem homework, but instead i sat on the immovable boulder outside mcvinney for over two hours just talking to rye. i could see my breath and i knew i must have been cold but i didn't feel like moving. i started out watching intramural footballs duke it out under the warm glow on the monday night lights on the turf, but eventually even that ended and i was left in the darkness with the fog unfolding slowly.

i talked about everything and nothing. no, really. i did. we learned about it in philosophy today.

p.s. i am in love with philosophy. it is so trippy and unlike anything else. except maybe acid.

even though aforementioned fog had rolled in, ryaaan and ben and i unfurled a thick persian rug (ben randomly has a spare in his dorm? because you never know who's going to puke on your persian?) on the dewey grass of lower campus lawn outside of the suites. we stared at the sky and searched for shooting stars, picked at poptarts and passed around reese's pieces, gazed longingly at the dense air as it formed the perimeter of the campus and eventually engulfed us, claimed us.

it was all very dawson's creek-ish. and, in spite of myself and my immense hatred of james van der beek, i had such a wonderful time that last night's smiles carried over to today.

eventually the cold crept into my hot pink (and dead) fingertips and hands and ears and nose and toes and as much as i tried to put it off eventually my coat and ryan's coat wasn't enough so we packed up and parted ways in front of my building. it was late, but the early kind of late. early today, late last night. the best time - when just about everyone else on campus is tucked between their sheets or notebooks. depending on if they're a history or bio major. :)

eerily enough when those turf lights went out they made a loud noise, like outfield lights, and i heard its echo reverberate against the brick buildings. i didn't think about it at all when it happened, but for some reason i did just now. an odd sort of emptiness.

tonight i couldnt sleep - centuries and unpronounceable names running through my head for civ tomorrow - so sean and i took a stroll. this time i brought an extra large mug of tea to keep my hands warm.

this was the most depressing, most beautiful article i have read in a long time. it's about a woman who just gave up on life after her husband passed away unexpectedly. i hope some day i love someone as much as she did.

The End of Life as She Knew It

guess who's going to irelandddddddd!!!

bio: 88 (98 with scale)
chem: 90 (top 0.3% of class)

fuck yes. this calls for a celebration. thirsty thursday, anyone?

p.s. - i am so bringing my cameraaaaaa

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
Oscar Wilde

rejection makes me sick. even when it's not directed at me.

i don't think i'll ever be ready for a serious relationship of any sort simply because i'm so afraid i'll lose it.

that's when you know you're crazy: you're afraid of losing something you don't even have.

on thursday night i pregamed in will's quad (sans will) with kev, ben, jeff, liv, nikki, and laura. i knew something was wrong the instant i saw ben. his eyes were all bloodshot (more so than usual!) and he looked just... defeated. i scolded him for smoking/drinking prior to my arrival, but he vehemently denied partaking in either. at a complete loss, i jokingly tossed out a casual, "what? did your girlfriend break your heart?" verbatim. and he nodded.

two and a half years. just like that. who does that? she didn't even give him a real reason.

i decided to drown ben's sorrows in a few shots. or six. in the course of a mere half-hour. plus a beer or two.

next thing i know ben has had his fair share of chugged beers and is pouring his heart out to me about this chick and mine is breaking. suddenly i'm crying and insist on leaving because this air of depression was totally ruining my buzz/stupor.

i retreat to steve's (under the guidance of nikki and laura - those two girls rock my socks, they're so nice!!) and proceed to talk off both of his ears. what a doll for listening to me. among the things i talked about were: my philosophy class, ben's breakup, my longest relationship of 2 months, ryan and how it kills me that he is so far away, how i support soldiers but not the war, and how sorry i was for talking so much. despite having to lift at an obscenely early morning hour and a marketing test of some sort the next afternoon, he stayed up with me, listened, and made sure i drank enough water. steve is my hero. it is thanks to him that i was able to function the next morning. (i woke up still drunk at 430ish and laughed to myself until i fell back asleep.)

friday night: jeremy was home from nyu and we went to see the corpse bride. a.m.a.z.i.n.g. burton is such a genius. i absolutely loved it. around 1030 i headed off to casa de patty for some much overdue chillaxation time with the crewwww. tj (okay, fine, i see him every other day, but it was still good to see him!), steph, shan, tom, maeve, aaron, dave. oh! and devin! aaron's roommate from switzerland! in a word? adorable. he loves to shop. therefore, we are best friends.

saturday i slept until 130 in the afternoon. highly uncharacteristic, but nonetheless well deserved. i had the funkiest dream involving witch hats and a winetasting party.

yesterday i fought over parking spaces at the mall and spent more money than i should have, then came home and ebay-ed for a little while, eventually crashing on the couch after i finished reading the year of magical thinking.

because he wants me to go to hookah bars with him and he sends me rants about gay pride.

jon wall, this is totally for you, darling: "thanks to you, i'm ashamed of being gay!"

p.s. jon wall, my gay best bud, commits hate crimes against gays.

i hate it when feelings of helplessness just wash over me unexpectedly. just last night i was happy and relaxed and watching lords of dogtown and mellowing out to sublime at one in the morning over in cunningham with steve and today i slept late and went to cafe four twelve for lunch and only just an hour ago i was laughing on the phone with dan (who, it should be noted, was pissed drunk at 2 oclock in the afternoon on a monday), shooting the shit about how when i visit next week we will quote unquote 'tear up the fucking floor bitch!!! --- i think my shoes may catch on fire!!!' at a bc hotspot club.

and now i've just about wrapped up reading chapters 7 and 8 for bio. i caught myself staring out the third floor window at the rain coming down and shivered even though the pane protected me.

i absolutely hate the cold and i wish i had chosen to go to school in california. pepperdine, usd. stanford, if only they had wanted me. but who am i kidding - i can barely handle adjusting here, and it's literally a block away from la salle, twenty minutes away from my 'home.'

and right now i'm listening to ross' cd of gustav holst's 'the planets' (sans pluto because it hadnt ben discovered yet) and trying to absorb as much information as possible about yesterday's earthquake in pakistan. and i know it's absolutely fucking ridiculous but i just feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and i can't even hold my head up to type this right now.

damn you, seasonal affective disorder. leave me the fuck alone. i think i just need an extremely hot shower and a nap (even though i just woke up a few hours ago and have a shitload of work to do that i left at school all weekend.)

mehh.

feeling significantly better after a pack of skittles, a powernap, a steaming hot shower that made some of the writing on the walls in third floor mcvin melt off (sorry, guys), a cup of tea, and a lovely chat with miss katie sue.

i honestly don't know what my deal is but once i figure it out i'll be sure to let you know. i have absolutely no reason to be unhappy right now. i am making incredible amigos, meeting wonderful people, completely just absorbing the whole college atmosphere, laughing more often than this time last year, and even writing occasionally.

tonight, once chris returned to campus, he and andrew and i dined at ray (::vomits::). we were soon joined by a fellow named aiden who positively cracked me up ("you stay classy, providence college"). the three of them had some rather enlightening stories regarding the loves of their lives (or lack thereof) and long drunken walks along pembroke on saturday night in borrowed pinstripe suit jackets and ties. when andrew was describing the house fiesta on pembroke ("it was such a stoner house - like i walked in and people were already passed out on the coach with roaches up their noses") i wondered if it was sara and lg's place. they fucking rock my socks, i kind of am really hoping it was their place because that would be awesome - the thin silver strands that connect my high school amigos and college acquaintances would totally be very visible and let me know that i'm on my way to finding friends.

afterwards we went back to aquinas so i could listen to the misfits. lovely songs regarding necrophilia, zombies, and aliens. safe to say they were soon sacrificed in favor of dave playing his prs along to some gin blossoms and o.a.r.

now i'm enjoying myself laughing over olivia playing a few rounds of beirut because kevin's girlfriend is in town and we needed to be friendly/sociable, right??? it would have almost been rude not to play! will is tutoring liv at 1245am in calculus. except... he's drunk, too.

god i have the best fucking roommate ever!

oh, life. high highs and low lows. sometimes i just need something a little inbetween, though.

Hey, Hey by Dispatch (because i almost forgot how much i love this song. ten points to steve for reminding me.)

Well I'm moving kind of slow
Down that same old path
Wasting time inside this hour glass
She's coming up ahead now
And I feel, yes I feel
My head turning like a race car wheel
Maybe I'll try to say hi another time
I've gotta find a way to get inside your mind
I'll talk smooth and walk one step closer
Be real cool, dang real cool

say what you want, say what you mean
question yourself, are you really what you seem?
say what you want, say what you mean
question yoursel, are you really what you dream?

now here I come one more time
but she slides on by
not even a second look
she took the bait right off that hook
I've got my blinders on tight
I pull my cap a little lower
I can't hide away

you might think that this is easy for me
but there's a lot of things you don't know
you don't care, you don't want to see
long while since I've got myself across
but maybe there's a reason for that
even if I caught you I'd throw you back

hey... hey...

I really don't want to fall back
because you don't seem like you care
and if I would fall back
you don't seem like you care
and if I would fall back
you don't seem like you care

fall down your back, fall down your back
fall down your back, fall down your back

I will not, I will not hold, hold you back

you don't seem like you care

Fall back... you don't
Fall back... you don't
Fall back... you don't

why is fight club such an amazing movie?
why am i watching it when really i should be doing just about a million other things, namely, sleep?

Narrator: [Tyler steers the car into the opposite lane and accelerates] What are you doing?
Tyler Durden: Guys, what would you wish you'd done before you died?
Steph: Paint a self-portrait.
The Mechanic: Build a house.
Tyler Durden: [to Narrator] And you?
Narrator: I don't know. Turn the wheel now, come on!
Tyler Durden: You have to know the answer to this question! If you died right now, how would you feel about your life?
Narrator: I don't know, I wouldn't feel anything good about my life, is that what you want to hear me say? Fine. Come on!
Tyler Durden: Not good enough.

i have decided that i want to write a fiction new york times bestseller.

ARIES (March 21-April 19): California's San Joaquin Valley has the worst air in the state, and as a result, 12 percent of the kids who live there have asthma. The terrible pollution stems largely from burned fossil fuels trapped between the mountain ranges that surround the valley. Ironically, the smog often hides the mountains from view. Some environmentalists have made that a symbol of what they hope to accomplish as they strive to purify the air. "Fifteen years from now," one activist told the *San Francisco Chronicle,* "I have faith that I'll see the mountains." Let this be a metaphor for the work you have ahead of you, Aries. Banish what's obscuring your sight of the big picture.

it's not going to take me fifteen years, though.

i sat in civ and contemplated how incredibly fucked up (there really is no other way to describe it) euripides' play the trojan women is as the wind whipped outside and waves of melancholy washed over me. i put down my pen (gasp!) and stopped taking notes (the horror!) and rubbed my eyes for a good 30 seconds before i even remembered that people were around me (josh, allie, and i sit on the comfy couch in that class, so it's quite easy to forget i'm supposed to be paying attention...).

from the corners of my eyes little black dots swam around in the range of my peripheral vision and coagulated and eventually took over every square micrometer of my retinas, i swear. everything turned foggy and blurry, and i couldnt even see my hand (the one not holding my trusty blue ink papermate pen), much less the tiny college ruled blue lines against the suddenly unnaturally brilliant white of my notebook page. my head was too heavy to hold up, and - call me crazy - (you wouldn't be the first!!!) - i could feel my blood pulsing in the backs of my eyes.

i discreetly tried to not fall asleep slash flip the fuck out. every tiny noise - the rustling of paper, chalk on the board, someone clearing their throat - caused me to involuntarily flinch. all i wanted to do was curl up into a ball and bury myself between the five pillows on my bed. which was exactly what i did afterwards, for a whopping half an hour before i had a really scary dream where i became so dizzy that i vomited (it should be noted that dream jess was not drunk) and collapsed on the cool linoleum of the second story floor of mcvin.

frightening realistic, i abruptly awoke and tried to shake my head clear of these foggy images, which was a bad idea, because it seemed to counteract the four tylenol i had taken this morning (not all at once, don't worry!)

i'm feeling somewhat better - went out with ben, will, jeff, and liv to stock up on items necessary for our western themed cowboy/girl shindig we're planning for this weekend (on my shopping list: big chunky belt and a loneranger esque hat with curled sides; on theirs: a blender for mixed drinks and a funnel... not very western if you ask me!)

now it's late again (damn you bio), my eyes hurt (though not nearly as badly!) and i wanted to be in bed an hour ago. so it goes.

sweet(er) dreams.

p.s. - out of curiousity, how do you know when you have an arrhythmic heartbeat?

i am feeling much better today, most likely due to the fact that it is finally friday. for a short week, these days have dragged by slower than... i don't even know. sloths?

yesterday it literally hurt so bad i just cried myself to sleep under my covers at, oh, one in the afternoon. three hours later i dragged myself over to albertus to listen to a not-even-mandatory bio seminar (further evidence of insanity, i am convinced). i sat there and comprehended absolutely nothing. bartoe was going on and on about dioxins and axins and neurons and all sorts of smart things and i sat there and thought about how i could never, ever in a million years conduct all that research and create all those charts and kill all those lab mice.

it's terrible. i can't even tell you what it was really about, other than at one point there was an enzyme dubbed "PICK1" and i thought to myself: philosophy.

after dinner with danny o and alyssa (liv was on federal hill with circolo italiano! oh, the jealousy within!) i came back and worked on my chem lab for a few hours. when i just could not take it any more, i took a hot shower to clear my mind then went over steve's for some dodgeball. ("if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.") it was a hilarious end to a notsofun day.

i woke up this morning when my alarm went off at 915 and was overjoyed that i was able to look out the window at the gray sky without flinching and needed to retreat back under the comforter. knock on wood, i think a night of laughs and good company was just the cure i needed. (it was either that or the 10 extra strenth tylenol i downed over the course of yesterday.) not in any mood to tackle the tail end of that lab, i lay there with my thoughts and i realized just how much i prefer taking care of others than taking care of myself.

Not Myself (jm = guilty pleasure)
Suppose I said
I am on my best behavior
there are times
I lose my worried mind

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Suppose I said
Colors change for no good reason
words will go
From poetry to prose

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

And I, in time, will come around
I always do for you

Suppose I said
You're my saving grace?

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

Would you want me when I'm not myself?
Wait it out while I am someone else?

since the tylenol has stopped working, maybe some jello shots will help me out.

i really need to not go out tonight.

oops, too late.

western style (complete with steve's hat!) with my boys of 311 (jello shots and giving the new blender a whirl) or laguna beach black and white ball (diet coke and rum and white russians) with the oh-so-lovely-ladies in my hall?

decisions, decisions.

p.s. holy fuck the sun came out today.

wannanirvana: next step i find a girl with my same wants for now, then i just work out a lot and kick schools ass and i walk out of bc a jacked genius who is master of the bedroom
wannanirvana: i say its a good plan

and just in case you couldnt feel his pulsing gayness emanating from where you are..... HOLY FUCKING SHIT JON WALL IS IN BACK IN RHODE ISLAND!!!!!!!!!

seriously, that thirty seconds of sun totally made my life. the end, love jess.

last night, we members of the liberal arts honors program here at pc had a lovely little shindig over in '64 hall. our "convocation ceremony," they called it. several of my classmates used it as just another excuse to get smashed. on pc's dime. yes, at this lovely little soiree of la creme de la creme, as we rubbed noses with top university professors from across the nation, several under 21 year olds openly carried wine glasses and sipped not-so-slowly. their laughs grew louder as the evening wore on, and their cheeks slowly turned the same tinge of deep red as their rather dry beverage o' choice for the evening.

i myself opted for the free diet coke (i have my loyalties and a bit of self respect left, thankyouverymuch!) but i just thought it was so hilarious to see my classmates pregaming for their pregaming for midnight madness alongside the president of the school and his constituents. i don't even want to know what everyone looked like upon finally 'gaming'!!!!!!

after the lovely receiving banquet, i dashed in the rain and dodged the puddles that are all the fuck over this campus and took shelter in 311 mcdermott with liv, kev, will, ben, jeff, nikki, and some other random people. when it got to be a bit rowdy (kids were literally falling down multiple flights of stairs and crying/banging their heads against cement walls and loudly fighting with exgirlfriends) i retreated to cunningham to keep sober steve company. i had my first taste of grain mixed with pink lemonade (only a few sips because that stuff is no good, no good at all). i remember shawshank redemption came on. goooooooood film.

alright, allie's coming over in a bit to help me get cowgirl-ified before hitting the hodown in will's quad with kev, jeff, and ben. (olivia is at umass tonight - i miss my roomie!!!)

yeehaw.

allie is so awesome. we graced the boys of 311 with our western presence last night.

more photos and adventures to come after i work off an estimated extra 500 calories i did not factor into yesterday's diet.

First up:
Country party with my boys of 311

Kev (“Yurch”), Ben (“Bret”), Jeff (“Hughsie”), and Will (“Earl”)

Let’s not talk about how they changed out of their cowboy clothes wayyyy too early! We all missed Liv something fierce, but lo! Have no fear! Allie was (t)here!

The sheriff, rocking Ben’s $7 hat that we bought together last Wednesday

My shoes were decidedly uncowgirlesque by good sir William.

Yet another European buy that I really just needed an excuse to wear… Maybe I was thinking along the lines of Spanish vaqueros, okay?

Bret graced us with his presence, and I let him wear Steve’s hat for a bit because he was all dressed up in designer duds (they were drinking wine from a box on the first floor, not very western at all!)

As the night wore on, things got a bit too… dry. Off to Fennel to visit Matt!

But first! Danny OoOoOoOoOo! Wearing a ranger hat! What luck! Photographs ensued until we finally got a somewhat decent one. Okay no, it’s not decent at all, but for some reason we thought it was at the time… go figure….

While Matt smoked like a chimney, we reassured his girlfriend via cell that he was not smoking. Then we hit up ‘The Palace,’ room 230.

No sooner are we in there for about 30 seconds does the RA come in. Oops. No more dance party! (Matt, Danny, and I all happened to forget our id’s, oops, sorry, not paying your fine, thankyouverymuch, and out the door we scooted)

An adventure to Aquinas it was, then. There I read some Plato to and talked about Iraq some with a bunch of awesome new friends, while simultaneously nursing a nastily puking Matt back to health with lots of water and a handful of oyster crackers. Visited Chris, Dave, and Andrew a floor below when things got to be a bit much for me. Andrew and Chris filled me in on Friday night’s Dane Cook show in Maine (“I want a pet, but not just any pet. I want everyone’s first reaction to this pet to be, ‘Dane… you can’t have that as a pet!’”) while Dave quietly jammed away on his acoustic.

Today I woke up, drank about a half a Brita filter’s worth of water, and rode a stationary bike for not nearly as long as I should have.

1. jon wall.

arrived in time for a late lunch in slavin and several hours of hysterics as we filled one another in on the past 6 weeks. we explored and went on an expedition to the fifth floor conference room of harkins - think plush carpets, long mahogony (sp) tables, expensive plastic silverware designed to resemble fine silver (it even clinked like it!), beautiful stained glass windows with gorgeous campus views, confidential filing cabinets, and thirty plus red leather swivel chairs with a few matching chaise lounges.

my jonny looked spectacular as always - green lacoste polo (collar unpopped, as it should be!), corduroy blazer complete with stuckup pretentious emblem, straightleg pants, and a fresh haircut. i have to admit, i'm surprised pc's diversity police weren't after him for being so damn flamboyantly homosexual!!!

2. scorp scorp (what what!)

while upon our adventure, coldplay's green eyes rang from my purse, signaling a call from an amiga. she was down the street at the good ol' academy, hitting on former teachers and reveling in the wonder that was her senior year, when she decided to hit me uppp for some chillage. imagine her excitement upon finding out j dubya was in town. yeah. it was quite the reunion.

eager for more exploration, we tried to locate the costume closet in one of the theatres. alas, the basement was flooded, and as scorp and i were wearing flip flops, the mission was aborted. alas, next time, next time....

it really was just so wonderful to see those two gangsters. stories about gorgeous boston townhouse dorms and squirrel infested dormlife, drexel boys ("isn't that a good school, jon?" "oh no! it's like if someone from brown were to hook up with someone from ccri!") and ivy league frat parties, cologne klepto's and pit waxes and greek boys and gay boys and, god, i love my friends so much.

after they left, liv still hadn't returned from her romps with the bee eff, and i couldn't really focus on my bio stuff, so steve and i went grocery shopping. we filled one another in on the previous nights shenanigans whilst browsing for chocolate chip cookie dough flavored pop tarts (me) and reese's peanut butter cups (him). i was upset that i never quite made it over to cunningham yesterday (excuses: 1. weather! 2. those damn shoes!). afterwards i cooked pancakes, but it's been awhile, so we had to scrap a few... "how you know it's time to call domino's: when your pancakes are smoking and your dr. pepper explodes." once i got the hang of it, though, hambone proposed to me and jon eventually forgave me for taking so damn long. good times, good times.

okay, plato beckons. paper on the republic due friday, bio lab practical wednesday, chem lab due friday, more calc that i'm not understanding.... whatever, this weekend was wonderful so there's no way i'm complaining about anything.

So who's to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't you know this life goes on
And won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet

you know what, sienna? he is jude "fucking" law and he will do whatever -- whoever!-- he wants.

if she can't handle him, maybe it's just time i stepped in.... *sigh*

thank you, ipod shuffle, for making my day.

every time i hear this song (#17 on my most played itunes list) it gets better. i've posted these lyrics probably at least 10 times before, but deal with it.

Everlong
Hello
I've waited here for you
Everlong

Tonight
I throw myself into
And out of the red, out of her head she sang

Come down
And waste away with me
Down with me

Slow how
You wanted it to be
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

Breathe out
So I could breathe you in
Hold you in

And now
I know you've always been
Out of your head, out of my head I sang

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

And I wonder
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when
She sang

i don't lie. you've known me for four plus years now and i've shown you over and over again how much you mean to me - even when you kind of disappeared off the face of the earth sophomore year. i'm sorry i disappointed you. but i also kind of disappointed myself, if it makes you feel any better. i'm glad you're holding this against me, hanging it over my head and twisting a knife in my back and making me feel bad for something i didn't do. awesome.

so thanks for not really knowing who the fuck i am at all after all.

just when i felt like i was going to fall apart, the one and only flyryeguy shows up on the scene and pieces me back together, takes my friends by storm and whisks me away to our old stomping grounds where we encounter hilarious misadventures with psychics and burnt out lightblubs and sit next to out-of-my-league brown boys (complete with british accents) while i am wearing my pc sweatshirt with the slightest tinge of pride and a big smile and completely forgetting about my meltdown over something so utterly and ridiculously trivial as a lab practical that's worth 25% of my lab grade. i'm rearranging my priorities, for better or worse, and i'm going to grant myself acceptance of that fact.

i am the luckiest person the universe. today i remembered that for the first time since august.

Today loves smile on me,
It took away my pain, said please
All that you ride is free,
You gotta let it be.
You're so polite indeed,
Well I got everything I need.
Oh make my days a breeze,
And take away my self destruction.

-caffeine induced philosophy papers comparing plato's take on justice to those of greek classics like the odyssey, the oresteia, angitone as well as the ancient mesopotamian lawkeeping code of hammurabi

-coconut flavored coffee

-early halloween candy from olivia's madre :)

-clean bill of health from the doctor - hooray for imaginary heart palpitations and hypochondria!!!

-i'll volunteering in the ICU at hasbro children's hospital from 1-5 on sundays starting in two weeks. a nice healthy dose of reality ought to help me put things in sharper perspective...

-picking a bouquet of daisies and lavender

-if andy warhol had a girlfriend by allison pace

-aiden, because i wished him a happy birthday and he informed me that i rock the casbah

-gwen stefani, because i want to be her when i grow up

-going to see tennessee williams' play suddenly last summer at trinity rep with matt on saturday afternoon (you may remember him as the lovable drunk from saturday night who puked from the top bunk the nice boy in my civ class)

-going to see a few good men at my alma mater with patty and the gumbley clan tomorrow night

-the amazing lecture i went to the other night given by a very brave colombian citizen involved in a peace community (san jose de apartado) amidst the unspeakable violence of paramilitary groups of his nation's army

-allie, because she does crazy things like type up 30 molecular, total ionic, and net ionic equations (complete with charges and matter states!) and emails them to me

-madeleine, because the sound of her voice is music to my ears

-olivia, because she talks in her sleep but claims not to :)

-you

why i should never ever EVER be approached for relationship aid.

matt (the alcoholic from civ): jess, i love her so much. i think she's seriously my soulmate. but what if she's not?
me: then you stole someone else's soulmate... asshole.

1. Providence College (noun)

A very small, very white, very Catholic college in the ghettos of Providence. 95% of students are carbon-copies of one another, not that that's a bad thing. They are generally attractive, white, upper middle class, moderately intelligent, with a super-human capacity for alcohol. Fake ids are used more than school ids, and every day of the week has its designated drinking locale. Oh, and also, there's a pretty decent basketball team.

Where do you go to school?
PC.
BC? Oh, that's a good school.
No, I said PC. Providence College.
Hmm, that's a good time up there, huh? (followed by winking, and nudging with elbow)

All respectability, all honor is meaningless if it drives you against your nature. What can you do if you are not a lotus flower, but just a marigold? Enjoy being a marigold.

Osho

you read these pages with a familiar ease (even the ones with numbers that aren't taught in calc three like [infinity symbol] and square root of e to the negative one)/ small blocks form all these unspoken words/ unblinking your eyes blur the text/ lines move fluidly/ lies move fluidly/ and letters stretch from end to end/ once upon a time.../ (history repeats itself)/ twice upon a time.../ pouring over paragraphs/ do you absorb them/ as they absorb the mirrored intensity of your stare/ disbelief, grief/ skim, skip, scan/ ripped chapters end abruptly and torn corners/ are missing whole, real, rational numbers at a time/ (i/ imagine)/ loosely worn leatherbound covers/ title slightly faded, missing a long lost dust jacket/ you eyes strain to finish/ but interest wanes/ lids droop, lashes encase/ the volume slams shut/ falls in a heap (again)/ echoes on bitterly cold tiles/ history repeats itself.
(c) 2005

scalding hot (clean) shower + fresh-out-of-the-dryer ralph lauren bathrobe (on sale, so it's that much sweeter!) = me not wanting to go to calc II or civ this afternoon.

this weekend i proved that it is possible for a pc student to have fun sober! two claps!

on friday night, i spent some much needed quality time with patty. after going to see mike in a few good men (which was awesome, and made me miss lsa very much), we hit thayer street, more specifically johnny rockets. i ordered my usual plate of pickles and water. the waiter said that i had just missed my soulmate - some dude had just left after ordering the same thing. *sigh* i bet he goes to brown and it's one of those situations where fate keeps taking wrong turns.... more likely, however, it was a bum off the street with no cash (much like myself!) either way.... i love pickles forever and ever amen.

afterwards i returned to campus for some equally needed quality time with drunk tj and drunk jesse depatsy (yes, the class prez, it was hilariousssssss) once tj started talking about meg (blah blah blah dude she's not worth ittttt [never was!!!!] don't let her be the chick you talk about drunk), i left with matt. we ran into a very much henna tattoo-ed andrew (think: all over face and stomach) on the way across campus. hottttt. :) eventually i made my way back to my room (with a mere 2 shots in my system!) and recounted the night's events with liv, who had used her id for the first time with mucho success-o. (exito, i know, shan, i know.)

i slept far later than i should have on saturday, woke up and grabbed brunch with a still drunk mike chick and still hungover dennis (who had ten times as many shots as me the night before... no good, no good...) and matt. we made spectacles of ourselves and met matt's mexican 'father' (he works in the caf, apparently. the one with the toupee?) at two, matt and i headed over to trinity for the matinee of suddenly last summer. wicked. awesome.

having been awake for a whopping 5 hours, i napped and unfortuantely missed steve's lacrosse game. it was so windy and rainy and dark out (even at 6!) that the thought of walking allllll the way over to the turf was enough to depress me. saturday night was spent mostly in his company then i came back around 130 and watched eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and ate leftover pizza crusts. (notice the absence of alcohol!)

sunday was shitty out and made me miss ryan terribly. i can't believe it's still another 4 weeks until i see him again. i hope i last that long.

yesterday i received my midterm grades. it's no 4.0, let's just say that much. i've got the second half of this semester cut out for me. teddy and steve and i went to panera for dinner last night. delish. after a student gov meeting and some aristotle it was off to cunningham for the evening. steve and i invited ourselves (and some other people, too!) on jon's honeymoon to help drive down the cost. i forever ruled out the possibility of me taking the LSAT's (damn you standardized testing) and i listened to dispatch.

today i ran to bio just to escape the wind/rain/overall disgustingness of the weather. i wore ballet slippers in puddles and i loved it. it's the little things, right?

It's kind of like that day last year I was crying and scared and it makes me wonder if wrong people are with you at right times, maybe that makes them the right people. Only it doesn't work that way.

katie way rocks my socks because she washes her face whilst listening to her ipod.

it's funny how since i don't want next week to arrive, this week goes by that much more quickly.

tomorrow i am done by 1, then it's off to hasbro for a bit, back to campus realquick to catch a bio society lecture ("God's Design or Darwin's? Rethinking the Evolution of Life on Earth"- Dr. Ken Miller [Brown] is 'an articulate and world renowned speaker on this subject. He has recently testified in the constitutional case in Dover, PA about the introduction of intelligent design into the curriculum there. ' it certainly sounds more interesting and a less intimidating than neuron synapses and budding yeast!) and then it's back to c-town for a bit because matt's in town! he's been working in nyc for a few weeks now on the musical rent with a buddy who cowrote the script (mind you, he says this as nonchalantly as you or i might mention a buddy who once saw rent). i'm so stoked to see him - it's been since... april? yeah, april. when i took an extended two week spring vacation because i had stopped caring about high school. man that trip was fucking awesome.

speaking of trips, today i took the tags off of a shirt i've never worn, only to see that the price was in euros. *sigh* i can't wait to travel abroad again. march 4th, march 4th, march 4th..... although something tells me i'll being buying more booze than clothes in ireland.... i mean, i hear they're pretty famous for that over there!

okay, this entry was so mindbogglingly pointless. sorry i'm in such a boring state. i promise more interesting goings on this weekend (and remember that here at pc, weekends technically start on thursdays!)

random kid: hi!
me: hi! [pause] do i know you?
random kid: yes, we met in soandso's room, and you hugged me and said 'i love you, kevin!'
me: ohh! okay, kevin! [is not remembering at all.] i remember now!
random kid: actually, that's the funny part. i'm not kevin. i'm _______. (WHY DID I ALREADY FORGET IT 2 SECONDS AFTER HE SAID IT?)
me: [laughs awkwardly, waves goodbye, turns around, leaves]

goddamn some day i'll get everyone's names correctly. in the meantime, just know that if i'm drunk, i love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. heck, even if i'm sober, i probably love you, too.

home. for the night, anyways.

it's funny. i'm back here and all my insecurities seem exponentially magnified. i realize what a slob i am (i left my shoes in the kitchen), i realize that i've gained weight since school started (why didn't anyone tell me?), i realize that i'm ridiculously curt and impatient when it comes to the people i love the most (why is this?).

at least at school i can just go to sleep and forget about all these things. here, they're still around me when i wake up.

per usual, i can't sleep. matt's here! we went out to efendi's mediterranean grille for dinner and regaled one another with recent enlightening experiences for hours on end. i totally forgot that he was here in june. god i'm such a space cadet sometimes (read: all of the time).

i started watching amelie tonight but just couldn't finish. i tried to read dancing on the edge but just couldn't focus. i should have done my chemistry homework but just kept messing up on silly little sig figs.

i'm on my third cup of tea in the past hour. it's so cold out. the heat is on, but i don't have any socks. also i may need a sweater. i'm too lazy to go all the way upstairs and dig one out from the darker recesses of my closet. this i probably a contributing factor to my weight gain.

tomorrow i don't have class until 1230 which is jolly. but then i have a 4 hour chem lab starting at 130.

i am being captain jack sparrow for halloween, complete with rum in one hand and a sword in the other. and an eye patch, too.

i am going to take some benadryl now. goodnight. sweet dreams.

smeared black ink... your palms are sweaty
and i'm barely listening to last demands
im staring at the asphalt wondering
what's buried underneath where i am

apparently this is on the radio now. heard it when matt was driving me back to pc this gray dismal morning.

talk (coldplay)
Oh brother I can't, I can't get through
I've been trying hard to reach you, cause I don't know what to do
Oh brother I can't believe it's true
I'm so scared about the future and I wanna talk to you
Oh I wanna talk to you
You can take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done

Are you lost or incomplete?
Do you feel like a puzzle, you can't find your missing piece?
Tell me how do you feel?
Well I feel like they're talking in a language I don't speak
And they're talking it to me

So you take a picture of something you see
In the future where will I be?
You can climb a ladder up to the sun
Or a write a song nobody has sung
Or do something that's never been done
Do something that's never been done

So you don't know were you're going, and you wanna talk
And you feel like you're going where you've been before
You tell anyone who'll listen but you feel ignored
Nothing's really making any sense at all
Let's talk, let's talk
Let's talk, let's talk

drinking on an empty stomach was probably the stupidest thing i have ever done in my life.

ibuprofen much?

the girls, looking fabulous after scouring the providence place mall for hours and only leaving with one 'bad fairy' constume (not pictured) and a new pair of boots (not visible in picture)

you know the party's hoppin' when jesus makes an appearance. i didn't even recognize him as jon until we sat down to play... some drinking game that i cant remember the name of right now.

i didn't understand this one. someone told me today he was supposed to be christopher reeve. ::shakes head:: terrible, terrible....

teddy. in short shorts. 'nuff said.

i couldn't resist such a good photo op once i figured out who He was.

yeah, that's ron jeremy spanking hambone.

me and hambone with a noticeable lack of spanking that was previously displayed. (i guess i borrowed steve's hat again at some point during the night...)

no torso boy (god i hate how i can't remember names!) and steve, looking like BAMF's (dane cook, look it up or we can't be friends anymore)

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9859307/

it was your typical sunday night, though a bit stalled in the twenty-fifth hour of daylight savings time. i emerged fresh from a midnight shower, wet hair braided, reading some virgil (and promptly not understanding the least bit of it). liv, having just wrapped up a convo with her boyfriend, had settled between the sheets and was looking forward to catching some zzz's. suddenly....

shouts rang out on third floor mcvinney! not just any shouts. all out, knock down, drag out screams.

no no no. thanks to parietals (yeah catholicism!), no one was being raped; rather the girls two rooms down from us had, apparently, reached the tipping point of the scale. maybe one more so than the other. at any rate, the yelling was enough to rouse liv from her slumber and i from my stupor (40 pages into it and i haven't got a fucking clue as to what the aeneid is actually about!) we crowded into the hallway with three other neighbors and totalllllllllly eavesdropped on the fight, ahem, discussion.

to our credit, we really weren't being nosy at all. 'eavesdropping' implies that we had to go out of our way to hear. believe me, there are 6 inch thick cement blocks separating each room and i could have caught every word from the comfort of my own bed two doors down, but it was way more fun to bond with the others! we shared a few laughs, thought about slipping some midol under the door, and tried to figure out who even lived in the room (there are only 32 girls on our floor; you'd think we'd know one another by now, but nope!) once it settled down, we stuck around an extra twenty minutes (you know, shooting the breeze, exchanging hockey team dyke stories), justincase!

alas, calmness was once again restored, but something tells me these stormy winds aren't going to far.

rest assured, i'll keep you posted.

another weekend has come and gone. i learned many things (e.g. my limits). last night i took a nap and headed out with shan and kate around 1030. first stop: lacrosse house. outside i ran into jon, who greeted me with a big hug (i narrowly avoided the 'flaccid' spikes on his tower of doom or whatever the hell it was costume) and said (quite loudly, i might add) "I AM WEARING YOUR PANTALONES!" which he was, and in which he tripped over a tree root. having passed out far too early in cunningham on friday night, i had missed drunk jon/jesus, so it was entertaining to watch him. good guy, good guy. hilarious when drunk. he invited me to his engagement party in exchange for the 'pantalones.' once inside, we were ushered to the front of the line at the newly replenished keg, and i found hambone (he was a priest with a little boy.... you get the picture) and i even saw liv. alas... the house was too crowded and the dance party was in my way.

shan, kate, and i traipsed through puddles of grain and beer and made our way to the third floor where kate's stalker (he was a baby, complete with a bib and unbuttoned bottom 'i like the breeze! please don't button me back up!') was serving some everclear and oj. mission accomplished, we retreated once more the the dp.

the floor was literally shaking. it was amazing. the house was disgusting. the costumes were fabulous. i love college.

around 1 we headed over to pinehurst for the elitist congress party which was so fucking awesome because the house was clean and the people were nice and the alcohol was in abundance. plus, andy the man macmanus was there (dressed as garbage), as was my husband, capt. jack sparrow! (p.s. i was mrs. jack sparrow dressed up with an eye patch and rum and fishnets, oh my!) at this point it starts getting fuzzy, but i remember the cops coming in through the front and me leaving through the back with brendan and his brother whosenameican'trememberbecauseimamoron.

back on campus i received a call from an obscenely drunk (and hilarious) steve (he was a bottle of jose cuervo tequila) and was on my way over to cunningham when i ran into matt from civ (he was a woman in a red velour bathrobe for the night) on his way to eaton. knowing full well that it would be bone dry at this hour, i opted instead to return to 311 to catch up on the night's events with liv, who had called and ordered me to return for a slumber party (complete with pillow fights!) lo and behold upon my arrival she was out cold, so i took full advantage of my extra hour of sleep (i heart daylight savings time) and passed out in full pirate regalia.

i was only able to take a few pictures due to the death of my camera's batteries. there are so many more i wish i could share simply for your viewing pleasure but maybe it's even better if you just use your imagination.

post primetime, pre casa de lacrosse

Ben is my best friend because he was quailman. I have no clue who the other kid is.

Chris had alcohol as a part of his costume too! Too bad I haven’t seen that commercial…

This was our wedding photo, it was decided.

again, an overwhelming wave of sudden sadness washes over me, gently glides me over the wet sand, drops me listeless on the shoreline. limbs akimbo like pieces of scattered seaweed, everyone tiptoes around me to avoid getting tangled. the salt coating hardens against my skin and the rough sand granules dry ever.so.slowly as the tide recedes. i wish it would take me with it; i'd float endlessly with the ebb and flow, feel gentle splashes of water lap against my skin, most cool at my temples and ticklish by my toes.

no work is required to float. you just are. it is not possible to define yourself or be defined by your work or lack thereof.

i want to be washed away. passive voice. no action, no duty, no obligation on my part. something entirely the job of an external force.

i want to let myself go. allow my body to become detached. i want to perpetually be alone, retreat to the darker recesses of the wave, allow the cavernous whole of the waters engulf me, devour me. i want to reach the point where light becomes impenetrable.

instead this sadness just drops me off at random, at its convenience, at its whims, on some unknown shore peppered with dried out seaweed, broken shells, and the occasional oil choked exhibit of animal life. my eyelashes sewn shut with saline solution, tears mixed with a despondent sense of self-dissocation. light becomes impenetrable here, too.

it is winter and i know the sun is not shining where i am. nothing to melt away the coldness that i am convinced stems from my body.