smileyjess

again, an overwhelming wave of sudden sadness washes over me, gently glides me over the wet sand, drops me listeless on the shoreline. limbs akimbo like pieces of scattered seaweed, everyone tiptoes around me to avoid getting tangled. the salt coating hardens against my skin and the rough sand granules dry ever.so.slowly as the tide recedes. i wish it would take me with it; i'd float endlessly with the ebb and flow, feel gentle splashes of water lap against my skin, most cool at my temples and ticklish by my toes.

no work is required to float. you just are. it is not possible to define yourself or be defined by your work or lack thereof.

i want to be washed away. passive voice. no action, no duty, no obligation on my part. something entirely the job of an external force.

i want to let myself go. allow my body to become detached. i want to perpetually be alone, retreat to the darker recesses of the wave, allow the cavernous whole of the waters engulf me, devour me. i want to reach the point where light becomes impenetrable.

instead this sadness just drops me off at random, at its convenience, at its whims, on some unknown shore peppered with dried out seaweed, broken shells, and the occasional oil choked exhibit of animal life. my eyelashes sewn shut with saline solution, tears mixed with a despondent sense of self-dissocation. light becomes impenetrable here, too.

it is winter and i know the sun is not shining where i am. nothing to melt away the coldness that i am convinced stems from my body.