rejection makes me sick. even when it's not directed at me.
i don't think i'll ever be ready for a serious relationship of any sort simply because i'm so afraid i'll lose it.
that's when you know you're crazy: you're afraid of losing something you don't even have.
on thursday night i pregamed in will's quad (sans will) with kev, ben, jeff, liv, nikki, and laura. i knew something was wrong the instant i saw ben. his eyes were all bloodshot (more so than usual!) and he looked just... defeated. i scolded him for smoking/drinking prior to my arrival, but he vehemently denied partaking in either. at a complete loss, i jokingly tossed out a casual, "what? did your girlfriend break your heart?" verbatim. and he nodded.
two and a half years. just like that. who does that? she didn't even give him a real reason.
i decided to drown ben's sorrows in a few shots. or six. in the course of a mere half-hour. plus a beer or two.
next thing i know ben has had his fair share of chugged beers and is pouring his heart out to me about this chick and mine is breaking. suddenly i'm crying and insist on leaving because this air of depression was totally ruining my buzz/stupor.
i retreat to steve's (under the guidance of nikki and laura - those two girls rock my socks, they're so nice!!) and proceed to talk off both of his ears. what a doll for listening to me. among the things i talked about were: my philosophy class, ben's breakup, my longest relationship of 2 months, ryan and how it kills me that he is so far away, how i support soldiers but not the war, and how sorry i was for talking so much. despite having to lift at an obscenely early morning hour and a marketing test of some sort the next afternoon, he stayed up with me, listened, and made sure i drank enough water. steve is my hero. it is thanks to him that i was able to function the next morning. (i woke up still drunk at 430ish and laughed to myself until i fell back asleep.)
friday night: jeremy was home from nyu and we went to see the corpse bride. a.m.a.z.i.n.g. burton is such a genius. i absolutely loved it. around 1030 i headed off to casa de patty for some much overdue chillaxation time with the crewwww. tj (okay, fine, i see him every other day, but it was still good to see him!), steph, shan, tom, maeve, aaron, dave. oh! and devin! aaron's roommate from switzerland! in a word? adorable. he loves to shop. therefore, we are best friends.
saturday i slept until 130 in the afternoon. highly uncharacteristic, but nonetheless well deserved. i had the funkiest dream involving witch hats and a winetasting party.
yesterday i fought over parking spaces at the mall and spent more money than i should have, then came home and ebay-ed for a little while, eventually crashing on the couch after i finished reading the year of magical thinking.