smileyjess

i've realized and accepted the fact that i havent got a clue about what i want to do with my life.

well, wait, no that's incorrect.

i know exactly what i want to do, but it's not really in any course catalog, and most certainly not in that offered for the spring semester.

i aspire to:
-travel
-write
-take black and white photos
-wear hippie skirts
-eat chocolate chip cookie dough batter
-never cut my hair short
-fall in love with the same person/people over and over every day
-join the peace corps
-read
-make music
-sip on steaming chai with cinnamon
-participate in snowball fights
-grafitti
-ride my bike more often
-mail postcards just because
-smile
-quote ginsberg/ kerouac/ thompson/ hornbacher/ cummings/ plath/ sexton/ carroll/ didion/ poe/ dickinson/ the list is endless
-see more impressionist works
-swing on playgrounds at midnight with my best friend
-have picnics on the beach
-dance
-hug
-be

walkaways - cc
Gotta rush away she said
Ive been to boston before
Anyway, this change i've been feeling
Doesn't make the rain fall
No big differences these days
Just the same old walkways
Someday im going to stay
But not today

sometimes i like to purposely leave spare pennies heads up in hopes that it will bring someone else good luck.

yes, i did know. and that's the weirdest thing of all.

so, in a nutshell, last week was quite a low. for the first time in my life, i studied my ass off and it didn't work. i got a c. a 75, to be exact. as much as it fucking sucks and is still tearing me apart inside, the class average was a 61 and i am comforting myself with this fact. too bad it doesn't mean jack shit since my professor doesn't scale but so it goes, right?

i guess it was bound to happen at some point or another. better sooner than later, i guess, right? i'll have you know i can only say that now because i'm back on my happy meds (no more weird entries, i promise). thursday afternoon is a blur of volunteering at hasbro children's hospital, having a silent breakdown, studying for civ, and collapsing onto my bed before midnight.

friday went much more smoothly (after all, how could it not?) civ went okay, i'm hoping for a b. chem lab ended early, so mike (aka fro) and i caught a bus to kennedy plaza (remind me to tell you about my adventure there! ::shivers:) and walked to thayer, whereupon we dined at j and j's candy bar (me) and geoff's sandwich shop (him). i regaled him with my most embarassing stories and terrible eating habits (i ate two plates of pickles. okay, fine, three) and we traded dave concert experiences (*sigh* i'm listening to the stone right now). we moseyed over to the avon cinema to see good night, and good luck , the new george clooney flick revolving around edward morrow's war vs. senator mccarthy. excellent. i give it... 4.5 stars. go see it. if only for the cinematography alone. and don't let lack of knowledge regarding mccarthyism deter you because i can't pretend i knew a whole lot about it prior to seeing the movie, and it makes so much more sense now.

i decided to pass on the ceo's and office ho's party that night in favor of chillaxing with liv and later on steve. unfortuantely, i had to wake up early on saturday. parent's weekend. that was splendid. no really, my parents and i get along so well on neutral ground. saturday night we went to see the tempest. spectacular. danny o steals the show as trinculo. love that boy.

last night i slept at home and it was glorious. well, not even so much the sleeping in my own bed part. it was more the showering in my own shower sans flip flops part that i liked! the 'rents and shel dropped me off around 1 or so. i couldn't sit still or concentrate at all, nor did i really want to start all the homework i had, so steve and i jetted to the providence place and caught jarhead. just.... wow.

upon returning, i tackled some bio and civ before hitting up suites and visiting fro - i wanted to drop off ishmael for him because i reread it over the summer, actually understood it this time around, and wanted to pass it on to someone who'd truly appreciate it. i hadn't read it since freshman year - the very first book we had to read for trottier/kopka. what a mind twister. in exchange he offered skittles and pickles. i really need to stop exhibiting my excessively weird eating habits so early on in my friendships!!

tonight there was a thunderstorm. it was beautiful as i watched it from one of the windows on the first floor and talked to ryan about chicks in albany with rich uncles and weird women on buses with tied tubes and 8 hour drives and similar utter randomness. he comes home in less than two weeks. so stoked.

it's going to be a long week. the cold is coming back. i want to go to the beach one more time with hot chocolate and mittens again this year before it's too late.

How many goodly creatures are there here!
How beauteous mankind is!
O brave new world,
That has such people in't!
-Miranda, The Tempest, 5.1.

i can't sleep, but also i can't work.

the novelty of school is wearing off and i'm back to remembering how much i really didn't want to come here. i'm trying, really i am. it's. just. so. hard. i can't help but wonder if i'd be happier somewhere where i actually wanted to be. and i'm not talking about brown. even notre dame. or bc. pepperdine.

it is thundering outside. in their corners, my eyes are catching fleeting snippets of lightning from the thin line between where the shade ends and the windowledge begins. i love storms but hate rain. trudging back from the library tonight with fro, i realized just how depressing wet leaves are. sticking to your shoes (friar flip flops in my case), too heavy to whip about as intended, yellow-browns coated with the slimy-shiny blue-toned glow of the emergency station lights on scattered paths.

after my bio lab of doom today, i returned to 311 and carved out my cocoon between my silk sheets. i drifted off for an hour, george winston's december softly floating in the air and the room bathed the softness of a desk lamp that i was honestly just way too lazy to turn off.

this week has been nuts, but it is a cakewalk compared to the next one. in one day (thursday the 17th), i have a bio exam, calc exam, and a chem quiz. 830, 930, 1130. if i live through them, help me to smile.

i am reading girl, interrupted and remembering how much i like it.

i am feeling utterly defeated.

i'm going to see the dalai lama!

You're trying my shoes on for a change
They look so good but fit so strange
Out of fashion, so I can complain

it is 60+ degrees today.
today is november 14.

so. happy.

When you begin to give your attention to the nature of consciousness itself, there is instantaneous freedom - you experience yourself falling out of time. You are in the world but not of it because the place from which you are seeing it exists prior to everything that ever happened.

Andrew Cohen

too many times before i've felt myself falling through the mirror. (you're on the other side of the mirror/so nothing's looking quite as clear) it's happening again. when i start looking from the outside in rather than the other way around.

much to andrew's dismay ("grow some balls... and independence" was his direct quote, i believe), i spent the weekend at home again. i know, i know. i don't understand it either. i had been practically counting down years until i could move out. seriously, i had a calendar- crossed out the days with a hot pink sharpie, each day slowly marked with two perfectly angled lines that met in the center to form an x. for several x's in a row sometimes i wouldn't even see shelby (we werent so much sisters as simply people who lived in the same house). for several x's in a row sometimes i wouldnt even talk to my mom. for several x's in a row sometimes my dad would sigh in exasperation at anything i said, when i actually said anything at all to anyone.

and now i realize they were my own personal cheerleaders, sort of. not exactly peppy cheerleaders. just 'hang in there, we'll love you no matter what' kind of fans. here it's as though no one really cares what i do. or don't do for that matter. you got a b? too bad. you're hungover? darn. you have no clean underwear and need to do laundry at two in the morning? shucks. it's sink or swim, but know that no one's going to toss you a lifejacket. so you better learn, and learn fast.

i went home to study for my bio exam, my calc II exam, and my chem test. on campus i'm just so tempted to put away my books for a bit if i see others doing the same. or taking out the booze for that matter. plus, my dad has been in california for the past week, so my odds at home were only 2 against 1 rather than the usual 3 vs. 1. i took my chances and was able to be a lot more productive than i would have been had i decided to stay here saturday night.

when i'm only home for 24 hours, it's as though there is a light at the end of the tunnel - we can all be on our best behavior for at least 24 hours.

things are definitely still weird for me here sometimes. i feel like i should be more settled in, but i'm not. i feel like i'm temporarily stuck living someone else's life, and any day now it will be the end of my scene. cut, that's a wrap. these high highs and low lows.... can't really be my roller coaster....

last night was good though - after i came back steve and i went to panera and he filled me in on his trip to boston and jon and lindsay's engagement party (which i unfortunately had to miss due to aforementioned studying!) he hasn't been feeling well so when we got back we just watched the simpsons and family guy and later jon entertained us as he attempted to learn how to play c and g chords on his new guitar. it was just a much needed low key sunday night with friends. me gusta,

oh! i went back to the academy last week. so help me, i actually miss it. people cared there, too. more so that i think any of us realized.

here, though. man... no one cares. no one has to care, no one's supposed to care. but i desperately wish someone, anyone did. instead we're all kind of carbon copies of j. crew catalogues, numb and unfeeling with plastic smiles. i'm convinced that i can't be the only one who thinks this because otherwise why is my school ranked second in the nation for alcohol consumption? the barriers all come crashing down when everyone's drunk.

it's getting late and this is my brain on too much studying for bio. 2 hour exam review session of 10 chapters + catching up on last week's civ reading + too much calc II homework = 1 crazy jess with a crazy cramped hand.

sweet dreams.

so i'm on the brink of running out of you, rebel.

and me, myself, and i.

the total was a mere $38. sephora told me that if i spent only $37 more dollars, then i'd get free shipping (*a whopping $5.95*).

so i indulged in a little dior mascara. aaaaaand some oscar blandi jasmine smoothing shampoo because i could use an extra. and, oh heck, some mr. right now while i'm at it.

do you think my dad will understand my reasoning when he sees the bill on his next credit card statement?

moral of the story: retail therapy works (especially when it comes to being stressed about bio exams and chem tests!)

"it's not even that i hate calculus. it's just that he's so... russian!"
-liv, on her calc teacher's accent and her inability to understand it at times

the weather sucked today. damn you, new england.

i physically cannot do this anymore.

today i couldn't even pick out what to wear. how am i supposed to pick out my courses in t minus 4 hours?

another day was wasted, but so it goes.

::crumples up::
::dies::

i still think of it everyday. some days i wake up thinking about it. those are the days the sun shines too brightly through the curtains, but the floor is too cold for bare feet. the days my normally cocooned 45 degree angle sheets are twisted in a ball at the foot of my bed, and my eyes adamantly refuse to open. the alarm goes off and not only is the snooze slammed, but entirely turned off.

i hate it when it is the first thought on my mind. who wants to wake up to that awful sound of shattering flass windowshields and hot metal melting, molding, twisting around tree trunks (plural), turning the steering wheel but having no control whatsoever.

it has been almost 11 months now. 322 days. how many nightmares? how many daymares?

guess who's going to see coldplay on her birthday eve (4 april) in a [relatively intimate] 10,000 seat arena?

only 5 months to wait!!!

-seeing the dalai lama
-new haircut and new lowlights
-best friends that are home
-85 on my bio exam (class average = 63)
-seeing the wrens at brown
-seeing a jazz concert
-sunday afternoon matinees (that AREN'T get rich or die tryin')
-the mars volta-gingerbread house making with lil' cousins
-reading shopgirl
-already done with my civ reading for tuesday's seminar
-30/30 on a chem lab
-purchased a fabulously preppy cashmere argyle sweater on crazy sale at j. crew
-craving pretty new shoes from thom brown. oh, and pretty new boots from thom brown.
-hell, i think i'm just craving thom brown.
-baking delicious soy milk - vegetable oil - splenda - all natural peanut butter cookies.
-vegetable sushi night with dan the man on tuesday night!!!
-hitting up the wrentham outlets on wednesday
-dinner at johnny rockets with steve and teddy. they have the best pickles ever, and steve has so far failed to get me to eat a hamburger.
-hitting up thayer and brown tomorrow with matt and rye.
-oh, have i mentioned i'm going to see coldplay?

Jon: You don't drink too much.
Mad: Yes, I do.
Jon: No there's no such thing.
Mad: Oh, then I don't.
Jon: There. I'll be your psychologist. Go cut yourself, get some of the alcohol out of your veins.

we snugly sat side by side in the upstairs living room, crowding the carpet and couch, munching on hummus and brownies (okay, the calories canceled one another out), catching up on good times and sharing some war stories from dorm rooms and frat parties. our laughs echoed off the walls and nestled themselves in memories. scorp, liz, patty, jon, teej, maeve, gerry, shan, tom, rye, and i chillaxed to the max last night for a thanksgiving weekend soiree. it was so wonderful to see everyone back in lil' rhody.

this week i saw boys don't cry with matt and also the new pride and prejudice with my fellow ap english obadiah mates. the former was depressingly real, so much so that i felt like crying even hours after it was over and the latter was happily unreal, so much so that i felt like smiling even hours after it was over.

today was thanksgiving. we hosted both sets of grandparents. my mom, sister, and i cooked everything. well, that is, i contributed as much as i could after i rolled out of bed around 11. i had intended to wake up earlier, but i had forgotten how amazingly comfortable my bed is.

next year i think we're spending thanksgiving in lake tahoe where my cousin brian owns his restaurant. that would be pretty awesome. my parents are also kicking around a possible trip to austria. that would be lovely. then i could just buy myself a eurorail pass and visit ines or hit up france for a few days... *sigh* i desperately need to travel the world someday, even if it means spending every penny

now i'm sipping some green tea and letting the steam warm my face while listening to george winston and contemplating getting a head start on the book i have to read for tuesday's civ seminar - confessions by st. augustine. hmmm... on second thought, i haven't watched my favorite thanksgiving episode of friends yet....

The Coward's Meme (as seen at beckaroo's)

a) List ten things you want to say to people but know you never will.
b) Don't say who they are.
c) Never discuss it again.

10. as bad as it was, sometimes it's fun to brag about having a stalker.
9. that time i sang bon jovi's living on a prayer in 'the beast' is probably my favorite memory of us, and if they ever make my life into a movie, i'd like that to be in it.
8. i wish i were a better sister for you.
7. sometimes i worry about your self destructive tendencies. i am happy that you are seeking help now though. it's good to know you're looking out for yourself.
6. *sigh* if only you were straight!!!
5. "vapor around your body glistens in the shower..."
4. i really like waking up next to you. it helps me not feel so alone.
3. i should have appreciated you more when you were alive.
2. more than anything, i want to be able to right everything wrong for you. i want to take you into my arms and hug and hold you and reassure you that, yes, it really will be okay. not great, not spectatular, not fabulous, but okay. and that's all you need. let me be here for you more often. i love you, and you know that.
1. you are my end, my beginning, my world, my everything. i honestly believe that without you, i am nothing. having you in my life makes life worth living. i'm eternally grateful for you.

i watched sylvia over the weekend. you should definitely see it.

Lady Lazarus

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
0 my enemy.
Do I terrify?----

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash ---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

back at school. i didn't realize how much i missed everyone until i got back here last night and ran into matt. i was supposed to be studying for my chem quiz and he was supposed to be reading for dimensions of art. instead we spent the better part of an hour catching up on the past weekend, filling one another in on the fam and friends and former significant others. around 9 i deemed chem a lost cause and headed over to steve's to watch family guy. he got roped into playing poker - i think i am finally understanding how it works! his friends crack me up, good times all around. (except for him, because he lost ten bucks.)

the rest of my thanksgiving break was just as wonderful as the beginning. i slept an average of 13 hours each day and was able to see so many people. rye and i hung out saturday afternoon - visited his grandparents (they're so adorable) because they hadn't seen him since he left last august and then christmas shopped a bit. per usual, we ended by sitting in the borders cafe, sipping on holiday lattes (so much for me trying to give up caffeine, i guess!), counting down the days until his triumphant return to c-town, and chatting about everything and nothing all at once. it absolutely sucks that he's gone again now.

saturday night i caught up with andy, will, and mark for dinner at el tapatio. afterwards we relaxed back at casa de lonardo, and i stopped in to say hi to his delightful parents and equally delightful puppy. will and mark had to pack to return to school on sunday, so andy and i opted to skip seeing a movie and hit up federal hill. we split tiramisu at caffe dolce vita and dished on the past few months. it was so wonderful to see him, it really had been far too long!

sunday i slept late and studied a bit for chem. my parents bought an artificial tree this year, so we put that up as a family. i find artificial trees inexplicably depressing, but i figure it's okay because i don't have to see it again until the 19th.

now i'm off to read for civ. it's not even so bad. i'm almost enjoying augustine. who knew, right? plus the weather is amazing today - it must be around 60 degrees or so - i'm totally rocking the flip flops. this day put me in the mood for some g love and special sauce.

i can't rest til i find satisfaction
i can't rest til i find satisfaction

Text Inbox
New message from:
Blaze cell
11/28/05
02:21 pm

i want some pineapple slices. you should come to the city.

me: i can't believe today is november 23rd!
fro: maybe because.... it's the 28th?

today was utterly perfect. i honestly woke up (was woken up?) in the best mood despite the looming presence of a chem quiz. i proceeded to ace said chem quiz after imbibing 1 liter of diet dr. pepper (yes, before 930am. yes, i'm okay with the fact that aspartame turns to formaldehyde in my stomach) and barely running a brush through my hair. i came back, took a super incredibly hot shower, and read for civ. received a card. had civ, worked on my bio lab book, took a nap. mailed a card. had dinner. mike met me in the library and we proceeded to talk for an hour or so, after which we decided to blow off any remaining work that needed to or really should have been completed in favor of retreating to suites to watch beautiful liberal propaganda from the aclu and also the first disc of live from bonnaroo 2002. i ate/devoured clementines and candy canes and sipped on steaming hot kenyan tea.

today gets a golden star.

hooray for mornings with eskimo kisses, aced chem quizzes, peach flavored iced tea, and domestic dissent.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

tired.