smileyjess

I'll walk halfway around the world
Just to sit down by your side
And I would do most anything
To be the apple of your eye
Well troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
And if the road gets rocky
Just steady as we go

Any place you wanna go
Know I'll be next to you
If it's treasure, baby, you're looking for
I'll search the whole world through
I know troubles, they may come and go
But good times, they're the gold
So if the road gets rocky
Just steady as we go

When the storm comes down you shelter me
When I don't say a word and you know exactly what i mean
In the darkest times, oh, you shine on me
You set me free and keep me steady as we go

So if your heart wrings dry, my love
I will fill your cup
And if your load gets heavy
I will lift you up
Well troubles, they may come and go
But good times be the gold
So if the road gets rocky
Just steady as we go

this weekend was a blur of peppermint schnapps and hershey's chocolate shots, hard ice tea, top quality keystone beer, and maybe a little jaegermeister with red bull in there somewhere.

friday after chem lab, fro and i cleaned up his suite for the much anticipated bio society christmas extravaganza. and i bet you didn't know this - they're smarter than you AND they drink more than you! mr. president himself was puking all over the place before the clock struck 12. many honorees were in attendance too, such as my new relative marco (he's from naples, italy with a summer home in formia, the village where my great grandparents are from, so essentially, we decided, we're cousins) as well as all of meg's roommate (the northface team), and of course matt. people were coming and going all night - i even got to see roberto for a minute (we did shots together) before he was shuffled off to spend the night at old's. i only knew him for a few weeks, but a part of me is sad to see him go back to kenya (he's taking a semester off). i loved his tie-dyed pajama pants.... and the rockstar-ish long hair, a la almost famous. it was great to mingle with so many people that have lived through the current stress that i'm under with gen chem and bio, as lame as i know that sounds. i finally met the famous laura, a junior double major (bio/psych) here on full scholarship with a 3.94 gpa and survived taking physics and orgo at the same time, plus took the mcats a year early and scored a thirty-effing-five. she's basically my new idol. matt came back around 1 and he, mike, and i kicked back to some dave live on the rocks and shot the breeze for a few hours, waiting for roberto to come home (he hadn't exactly started packing...) i left sometime around 330, and he still hadnt returned!

yesterday i woke up far too early, studied far too little, and napped for three hours. around 330 i left with jon, hambone, marsh, and flynn to head over to steve's marketing class' fundraiser for the tomorrow fund. we bowled for three hours and they drank a few pitchers of beer and all the money went to a fabulous cause. the place was packed, and they raised over a four grand for the kids, so that's just wonderful.

afterwards, we went out for dinner, then back to cunningham for a little beruit (how come i can't spell that?) and nhl 2004 before hitting mcphails (yeah we were all exhausted, bowling took a lot out of us). came back to mcvin around 1, then played battle of the sexes with lauren, jackie, katie sue, and ?? vs. tim, andrew, steve and ??. chicks won, but that was no surprise. olivia came back around 230, and we all just stayed up chatting about nothing for over an hour, finally calling it a night just short of four. needless to say, i didn't wake up before noon today and now i have to go study for that chem test for tomorrow.

oh yeah, it snowed. and it's so beautiful here on campus. i'd post pictures, but my camera's batteries have decided to die. oh well. not like it's not going to snow again, right?

i could only wish!

ever wanted to have a conversation and simultaneously very much not want to have that same conversation?

yeah, me too.

in the meantime i'm going to take a scalding hot shower and keep my head in the fog for just a few more weeks.

i don't want to come back down from this cloud

i had taken the month off. two appointments scheduled, two appointments canceled. civ seminars, bio slides, chem exams, and calc II quizzes just got in the way.

i'm sure that by now, you're all well-acquainted with the first postulate of the jess law of ignorance: if you ignore something long enough, sooner or later it will go away.

in the car on the way there, i asked myself why i had even bothered to go. i reminded myself that i was A Tad Bit Fucked Up, if you will, and continued to hum along to some dave matthews.

walking into her room and sitting in that chair is on par with a night of heavy drinking: all of your suppressed sober thoughts and desires surface and escape from your lips, propelled like a rocket, and are high as a kite in the sky before you can quickly reel them back in. and it's even the same after effects - you immediately want to retract those forbidden fragments that somehow managed to mischeviously piece themselves together and surrepticiously slip out seemingly without a second thought.

but there are always second thoughts. hell, my second thoughts have second thoughts.... and third thoughts.... and fourth thoughts.... overanalyze much?

i think she may be writing a book about me. a case study. i'm thinking of doing her a favor and buying her a tape recorder for christmas. i bet you never knew i was so quotable.

i said i felt: indifferent helpless anxious distracted lost alone

simple words to put meaning upon otherwise meshed emotions of blended mass confusion.

"but but but--" i argued, "i'm Doing Just Fine."

"really," i reassured. "think it's the weather.... its bringing everyone down. besides! i'm always smiling!"

"things are good," i told her.

after all who am i to complain? poor little upper-middle-class-college-student lost in a universe of pristinely cut suburban snow-covered lawns and perfectly waxed unnecessary monster SUVs in front of excessive houses with enough closet space to squeeze a coffee table in there.

so.
much.
guilt.

the wires are being pulled past their breaking points and i am waiting for the snap. and then the curl.

she said, "color."

color was what i needed. a plant to provide fresh air.

i had always wanted a rose garden, i thought.

i left with the same smile i had entered with, a hug, and a prescription for the highest allowable dosage of paxil. triple that which i currently have to take. (color was not all i needed, apparently.)

you want to know the saddest part?

i actually thought that i had been Improving. Getting Better. Working On It.

i'm supposed to see her again sometime this week, but i think i'm busy that day.

i never fall apart because i never fall together.
-andy warhol-

you know what i fucking hate? when you email a lab professor to tell him that you need to go to his office hours on tuesday morning and he emails you back saying that's perfectly fine, yes, he'll answer any questions regarding the practical that you are going to have on wednesday afternoon and then you show up on tuesday and he's fucking not there - nor is he in the stupid fucking lab - and you have so many fucking questions because you don't know anything and oh, have i mentioned the fucking practical is tomorrow afternoon and it's fucking worth about 30% of your fucking lab grade and i really dont give a shit if he's packing to move across the country to pursue post doc work (who the fuck even knew there was such a thing) - this is my grade and it is his fucking job to answer my questions and oh my god i am so stressed.

i wish it were still socially acceptable for me stomp my feet and throw an enormous temper tantrum.

instead i smile some more, say it's okay, and scream silently on the inside.

don't wake me, i plan on sleeping in

i'm all set for housing next year.

utter suite-ness.

room 405.

you know you can't wait until our first fiesta.

just think! i'll be able to shower without flip flops!

dear amazing inventor of naptimes,
on behalf of all of the human race, thank you.
sincerely,
jess

this was the last week of the semester, so things have just been absolutely nuts. i have a chem lab due tomorrow and i've yet to really get going on it. in due time, in due time....

last night was my first relatively free night all week. watched mr. and mrs. smith in cunningham with steve, drunk jon, teddy, sleepy sibley and passed out rookie. i was in the minority in choosing angelina over jennifer. woke up this morning with about 15 minutes to get to bio (last bio with bartoe! ::sniff, sniff::), lost my i.d. card (again), and aced a calc dos quiz i was definitely expecting to fail.

after allie got out of her lab practical and i took a very enjoyable, relaxing, much necessary nap, we met fro at the bus stop and headed over to the mall for some christmas shopping (fro), food shopping (allie), and dress shopping (me). it proved to be an extremely successful expedition wherein all left with happy stomachs and significantly lighter wallets. (pretzel sticks aren't cheap, you know!) it was nice to spend time off campus with delightful company. you can't help but constantly smile around those two.

should prove to be an busy weekend. which is good. busy is good.

tomorrow night (after chem lab gets out at 530, of course), matt and i are going to see a christmas carol at trinity rep, and maybe we'll go out for dinner after or something. it's going to snow tonight, but be warm tomorrow, the city will look beautiful with a fresh coat of the fluffy stuff.

saturday and sunday will be devoted to studying for my makeup calc exam on monday (from when i skipped class to see his holiness mr. lama) and my civ exam on tuesday. monday night is andy's formal in newport - uber stoked for that. i'm eager to meet all the famous uri kids i've heard about :)

okay, well.... i'm going to go... not do my chem lab some more.
sweet dreams.

walk with you
dispatch

and I will walk with you
using the stars as guides
on a homeward path we go
knowing our time is nigh
I, I will walk... to be with you
so put your hand in mine
and lay your head to rest
we'll light the candles now
they won't be lit for long
we'll know our day was blessed

and I will walk with you
using the stars as guides
on a homeward path we go
knowing our time is nigh
I, I will walk to be with you
all that I've done, and all I say
to be with you...

(once like a spark)

if strangers meet
life begins-
not poor not rich
(only aware)
kind neither
nor cruel
(only complete)
i not not you
not possible;
only truthful
-truthfully,once
if strangers(who
deep our most are
selves)touch:
forever

(and so to dark)

e.e. cummings

feeling a bit out of sorts tonight (what else is new, though? feeling out of sorts is practically becoming my natural being of sorts) this weekend started out wonderfully but is now just levelling out...

firstly, allie and i blew through the week's experiment and were done by 330, much to the surprise of dr. breen. feeling all proud of ourselves, we commenced christmas shopping at the campus bookstore then late-lunched at slavin (hooray for free oyster crackers!) there was definitely a good 7 or 8 inches of freshly falled snow on the ground and the campus looked positively enchanting. after a quick nap and equally quick shower, i dressed for the play and met matt at the ripta stop, only to find out that ripta didn't feel like following the route by pc that night due to the terrible traffic and icy road conditions. awesome. we made a new friend and the three of us trudged over to smith street, i in my boots and matt in his duct-taped slippers. we were quite the pair!

eventually we made it to the play, with plenty of time to spare. we sat in the 2nd story windowledge and sipped on scalding hot chocolate (successfully averting burning out tongues!) trinity rep was beautifully decorated - christmas garland and twinkling white lights around the balcony and foyer, gorgeous evergreen wreaths graced the glass, soft instrumental carols floated through the air.... you could practically smell the holiday from just around the corner.

the play itself was spectacular. afterwards we meandered around borders for over an hour, comparing favorites and compiling wishlists. oh, how we pride ourselves on our mutual geekiness!

after getting back to pc around 1130, i met up with jackie and liv and watched the tail end of a movie. no partying for us the weekend before exams!

i woke up around 10 yesterday and studied.all.freaking.day. for civ. actually, that's a lie. until 630 or so. i passed out by 7, woke up all sorts of disoriented at 1030, ate a clementine, and fell back asleep until 830 this morning. on today's agenda was calc.

tomorrow: test in the morning, then hitting the library and hopefully cunningham for a bit before my hair appointment in the afternoon. i'll squeeze some more studying in there before andy graces me with his presence and we are whisked away for the evening. i'm so stoked to see him, i know it's sure to be a fabulous time - how can it not? there is absolutely no better way to spend the night before your first semester civ exam than with one of your best friends, dancing the night away at the most beautiful ballroom in newport!

exam week. 1 down, 3 to go.
more when i retrieve my laptop...

Sleeping Sun

Climb up your mountain
Nineteen and countin'
You have got seven, I have got one

Blinded and hurtin'
Misun-deserving
I've got my secrets
You've only got the sleeping sun

When you've got a secret
Then you've got to keep it
When you've got a question
Answers will come

Running and hiding
Take and dividing
You've got your secrets
I've only got a sleeping sun

Sleeping Sun
Singing
Oooh um
Ohhhh oh...
Ahhh ahh
Oh oh
Oh oh
Oh ohh

And you, as I, saw
A piece in a jigsaw
Run up and around it and
Jump up real tall.

Run round the houses,
North and the souths'
You've got your answers we've
Only got a sleeping sun.

what does jess not want to be when she grows up?
a. george clinton
b. mrs. jude law
c. a hippie
d. a doctor

me: any last words on this, our eve of destruction?
allie: i should never have been a bio major!!!!!

this week has been an absolute blur. monday night was the zbt formal with andy and i promise i'll post some pictures once i get around to loading them off of my camera. it was such a wonderful time with one of my most favoritist people of all time. after he picked me up, we went to the fraternity's house by uri, then were all bused over to the viking in newport. excellent people, good times. everyone looked so beautiful/handsome! i love excuses to get dressed up. also i love spending time and catching up with andy.

after arriving home shortly after 230am, i hit the books for my civ exam. studied until 6, woke up at 7, was in the library with not one but two cups of coffee by 730. yeah. i know. gross. but i think it was worth it. allie and i studied together and totally owned the essay portion of the exam which is uber jolly.

tuesday after my exam hambone the vegan took me to see harry potter! it all started a few weeks ago when steve and jon wanted to see get rich or die trying.... one thing led to another and somehow i roped hambone into promising to take me to catch hp4. he went despite having two exams the next day! that's friendship - seeing a movie you really don't care about on the eve of examinations. since he's a vegan this week, we packed carrots, oranges, apples, and bananas to sustain us through the three hour film. good times.

wednesday and thursday mostly took place in the library.

friday was the dreaded calc/bio combo and it wasn't pretty. we're just going to leave it at that.

after i handed in my bio exam, i practically ran back to mcvin to take a scalding hot shower. for a good half hour. i refused to leave until my fingers got all wrinkly. i opened the door to head back to my room, and who was sitting forlornly by my bedroom door staring out of the bay window but allie. we comiserated together and instead of acknowledging the things we did actually know on the exam, we focused instead on those we didn't. (the former would have taken significantly less time...)

after we drowned our sorrows in white chocolate raspberry yogurt, i took a nap and woke 4 hours later. ryan picked me up and we hit the mall.

can i just say that knowing i would be able to see my best friend last night was definitely the only thing that got me through yesterday?

i bought some christmas presents and a new pair of corduroys (in dune) as well as a new silk minibag (jon, it has crests/emblems on it!!!! aren't you proud of me????)

after rye dropped me back off on campus, i briefly visited an immensely studious fro (he has his analytical chemistry exam this afternoon) before settling in for some fight club with steve and jon. i fell asleep in about 20 minutes... didn't even make it to "the first rule of fight club is... you do not talk about fight club. the second rule of fight club is.... you. do not. talk. about fight club."

on tap for today: chemistry chapters 1-10 and out tonight.
wish me luck. this is the homestretch.

i woke up early with all the right intentions to study. truly, i did. in fact, i woke up super early when jon was leaving for the airport and then i had a difficult time falling back asleep. i promised myself to be out of bed by 11. yeah, right.

a quick shower and an open book. it's amazing how sleepy my chemistry text makes me. especially when i'm too lazy to walk five minutes to the library and opt instead to lie completely horizontal on my bed and hold the book just a few inches from my eyes.

good thing i had set my alarm for five.

allie came over and filled me in on her previous night's shenanigans. we traded ways to further procrastinate studying. she suggested watching sixteen candles and i tossed out talking on the phone for a few hours while holding the book in your lap.

i finally got dressed and we jointly decided to nix the black hooker boots (settling instead on my favorite pair of j.crews) there was a quick brushing of the teeth and it was off to cunningham. (allie headed back to ray to 'study' some more).

steve looked rather dapper, freshly shaven and sporting a tie. oh, the mystery abounded!

he surprised me with prime seating tickets to the nutcracker. i've wanted to see it for the longest time (the last time i was 9 and my parents took me to boston and i wore what i thought was the most beautiful red satiny christmas dress, complete with a mini fur coat, black beret, and black ballet slippers. basically, i felt like a princess. do you know how rare that is?)

it was so thoughtful of him... one the the nicest things anyone has ever done for me... we sipped hot chais and chocolates, chatted about this and that until the curtain went up and the orchestra started playing. he had never been to a ballet - it's not exactly a part of his uberpimp superjock rotc image - but the fact that he took me makes it mean that much more to me. :) i hope he enjoyed it. i know i certainly did. beautifully elaborate sets and costumes, swavorski crystals falling from the ceiling as imitation snow... simply magical. i had forgotten how beautiful the ppac is.

afterwards we christmas shopped before heading back to cunningham and watching blue collar comedy tour (yeah, talk about both ends of the spectrum! it was hilarious! you can dress us up but you can't really take us out, i guess!)

he further surprised me with bags of tropical- and berry- flavored skittles.

basically, i felt like a princess. (do you know how rare that is? really?)

i somehow managed to drag myself out of bed by ten this morning. i somehow managed to study for a few hours.

my grandfather and his girlfriend are going to california for christmas, so this evening my family and i went out with them to exchange gifts. dinner ran late, so now i'm just going to drive back to school tomorrow morning to join fro and allie for a bit more nerdiness in our own private library (fro's completely empty suite).

i got an a in civ. i should go out and party the night before an exam more often! (maybe that's why i did shitty on my bio exam! i need more fraternity formals in my life!)

i cannot wait until 3 oclock tomorrow afternoon. i'm packing up all my stuff and leaving mcvin for an entire month. hell yes.

the first things i'm going to go? shop. sleep. shower. read. repeat.

okay, let's talk about how much ass i kicked on my bio exam.

quite a bit.

okay, i promise i'm done gloating now.

thanks for listening.

love,

jess

i heard it at 5 this morning, then went back to sleep, trying to convince myself it wasn't true.

i woke up from what i thought was a nightmare, only to have it verified: Yankees ink Damon.

not going to lie to you... i cried. i had heard the rumors a while back, but nothing had come of them all. or so i had thought...

it's just... so... but... how.... why... johnny.

i honestly feel as though i've been cheated on. red sox nation as a whole has been played. used and abused.

god, i miss him already.

love that dirty water
boston, you're my home

i had never realized how romantic airports can be.

arrivals and departures are more like acts and scenes constantly beginning and ending simultaneously. exits and entrances, stage left, stage right.

in retrospect, the obvious romanticness that accompanies an airport was practically lit up like a neon sign.

calling all passengers? ross and rachel had three major airport scenes in nine seasons. adam sandler serenaded drew barrymore in coach at the end of the wedding singer. casablanca.

do these types of situations ever actually happen, though? usually all i see are overtired, jetlagged passengers frantically wheeling suitcases in the shadows of flourescent lights as they race against time to get to their connecter gate. or sketchy people sitting at the overpriced bars. or ridiculously long lines of caffeine addicts at a mini-starbucks. oh! my favorites, though, are those who cram themselves into the 'smokers' lounge,' usually a glass display case about 10 feet by 10 feet in the dead center of the airport, the top third of which is occupied by an ominous thundercloud-esque collection of toxic chemicals analogous to those that leave the exhaust pipes of the planes.

no, indeed. airports can be romantic, in that they have potential to be romantic, but i've yet to find one that actually is. heathrow, madrid, paris, jfk, john wayne, newark, o'hare, burbank, las vegas, t.f. green, logan, phoenix, atlanta... those are just the ones i can actually recall off the top of my head. none really struck me as romantic.

forget hopeless romantic; i'm pretty sure by now that i'm just hopeless.

tuesday night we shared some comfort food at panera before starting to pack. ("you sure have a lot of clothes." "more than you?" "i didn't say that!") i walked around in pajamas and penguin socks. we had all intentions of cleaning up the place but were struck, in unison, with bouts of extreme laziness.

three times over we made sure he had his itinerary, his ipod, and his drinking hat. reassured, everything was lined up by the door for a quick getaway at 5 the next morning.

we settled in to watch stanley kubric's full metal jacket (and i thought it was so. so. so. good.... [yep, juuuuuust hopeless!]) one o'clock rolled around, and we decided it would just be easier to stay awake the whole night. so we did just that.

outside it was literally freezing as we loaded up the car. i offered to carry the lighter of the two bags. i was silently thankful that it hadn't snowed in the small hours of the morning. we listened to jane's addiction.

i pulled up to the curb. all around us others were hugging goodbye, shaking hands in thanks, paying cabbies. not so romantic at all.

but you know what? i got a peck on the cheek, a hug, a wave as he looked back, and a text.

and i thought it was just perfect.

wheel by jm
People have the right to fly
And will when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along
Let's move it along

And airports
See it all the time
With someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand a single rose

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last,
To love him

And you can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first
To love me

You can find me, if you ever want again
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around,
I'll be around

And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

You can't love too much, one part of it

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me

in addition to pickles, dave videos, and a mysterious package labeled 'do not open until christmas!' mike gave me a handmade present: the quintessential wintertime mix. i can't pretend that i even know who all of these bands are (what with fro's love of obscurity) but, in a nutshell, it rocks my socks off.

i'm spreading my joy to you, with love from fro.

bold denotes tunes stuck on repeat/tunes you should maybe think about seriously pirating (yarrrrr!)

1. now, more than ever by jim guthrie
2. sand in my shoes by dido
3. run by lonstrom and prius thomas
4. motorcycle drive by by third eye blind
5. take you on a cruise by interpol
6. run by snow patrol
7. sex in c minor by son, ambulance
8. ramone and emiglio by soundtribe sector nine
9. lilac wine (nina simone remix) by verve remixed
10. winning he battle, losing the war by kings of convenience
11. hide and seek by imogen heap
12. we live as we dream alone --> pretty the world by matt nathanson

have you ever done something wrong and not known what it was?

today is christmas and i am Depressed. yes, with a capital D.

once again i received too many gifts that i don't really deserve at all - books galore, a much-coveted kate spade ipod case, north face gear, jewelry....

i recently started a new med and i dont think it's working out for the two of us. the entire time everyone was unwrapping presents i didn't even feel like i was there. granted, i was doped up on a lovely combination of nyquil and benadryl (guess who is sick!) so that could have had something to do with it. i do not know what is wrong with me.

i was just grateful to be surrounded by family. my nana prepared an enormous meal for the 14 of us, and as we sat scrunched together in the dining room, chairbacks rubbing against window ledges and pine needles of one of her five trees (the victorian themed one, my personal favorite), i was happy, truly happy, but for some reason the muscles surrounding my mouth werent working. not only could i not smile, but i seemed to have lost any inkling of an appetite.

i thought about it a lot. was it something i did? said? didn't do? didn't say? i missed him for three months. so bad that it literally hurt at times. and now i've gone and obviously done something terribly wrong because why else would i be so... ignored?

i feel guilty. i'm a terrible daughter/granddaughter/sister/godmother/niece/cousin/friend and this is just further proof that i never appreciate anyone enough.

dear everyone, i am sorry.

merry christmas. and because i never say it enough, i love you.

There is nothing with which every man is so afraid as getting to know how enormously much he is capable of doing and becoming.
Soren Kierkegaard

books i have read since vacation has commenced:

dry by augusten burroughs

magical thinking by augusten burroughs

books i am currently reading:

running with scissors by augusten burroughs

books i plan on reading in the next two weeks:

sellevision by augusten burroughs

(anyone notice the pattern yet?)

1,000 places to visit before you die by patricia schultz

a heartbreaking work of staggering genius by dave eggers

the five people you meet in heaven by mitch albom

the jane austen book club by karen joy fowler

the lovely bones by alice sebold

becoming finola by susan strempek shea

the time of the uprooting by elie wiesel

me talk pretty one day by david sedaris

i'm a stranger here myself by bill bryson

in dahlia's wake by yona zeldis mcdonough

and, for old time's sake (like, two years ago now), i'm rereading fear and loathing in las vegas due to my love of all things hunter s. thompson

also, i'm loving rob thomas right now.

ever the same
We were drawn from the weeds
We were brave like soldiers
Falling down under the pale moonlight
You were holding to me
Like a someone broken
And I couldn't tell you but I'm telling you now

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down

Fall on me
Tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you forever in me
Ever the same

We would stand in the wind
We were free like water
Flowing down
Under the warmth of the sun
Now it's cold and we're scared
And we've both been shaken
Look at us
Man, this doesn't need to be the end

Just let me hold you while you're falling apart
Just let me hold you so we both fall down

Fall on me tell me everything you want me to be
Forever with you
Forever in me
Ever the same
Call on me
I'll be there for you and you'll be there for me
Forever it's you
Forever in me
Ever the same

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love

"We call her Unicorn because, you know, she's fake."
<3 Rachel <3

sad, beautiful, makes me cry

As I'm talking my words slip to the floor and they crawl through your legs and slide under the back door rendering me freakish and dazed. Well here I am. Don't know how to say this. Only thing I know is awkward silence. Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out. So I'll go walking in the streets 'til my heels bleed and I'll sing out my song case the birds wish to sing along. And I'll dig a tunnel to the center of the universe. Well here I am. Don't know how to say this. Only thing I know is awkward silence. Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out. I'll make my way across the frozen sea, beyond the blank horizon, where I can forget you and me and get a decent night's sleep. Well here I am. Don't know how to say this. Only thing I know is awkward silence. Your eyelids close when you're around me to shut me out. Don't shut me out.

rushing about trying to see everyone, squeezing in as much time as possible before everyone goes back to school, here's a very quick much abbreviated recap of events, not in chronological order but rather in the order that they come to me...

dinner with liz and rach at panera for at least three hours one night. it was so unbelievably marvelous to catch up with those two. we discussed everything and anything - scorp and mark's surprise 'we're together!' to drunken zox shows to roommates that don't speak english to boobs. god i love those two. i hadn't seen rach since summer and liz since thanksgiving, but it was as if no time passed at all. we picked up exactly where we left off.

patty, teej, cor, and i went out one night. of course it was fabulous. corey filled us in on all things brandeis and tj confessed he had a facebook girlfriend reject him ("i thought it was a joke," was her excuse. as if that makes it any easier!) patty bought me the most beautiful green earrings for christmas and i think i've worn them everyday since whatever day it was we were all together (what day is today, anyway?)

lauren and i chatted at her kitchen table for a few hours over skittles, saltines ("they're the closest thing i could find to oyster crackers!"), and diet cokes about life and happiness and how the former affects the latter when it throws us a curveball and we strike out. although a tad distressed, lau remained as radiant as ever. her strength is so admirable.

patty, jon, and i wanted to see memoirs of a geisha one night. tj invited himself along and proceeded to make fun of the movie throughout the entire movie. afterwards, patty asked jon what he thought as we were walking out of the theatre. his response? "kind of like she's all that except in china. i mean, japan. asia." the three of them made we go through the mcdonald's not once but twice so that they could consume the following: 4 cheeseburgers, 1 big mac, 1 large fry, 2 medium sodas, 1 medium fry, 1 small diet coke (me) and a happy meal (patty: "girl's toy, please.") quote of the night goes to tj: "oh mcdonald's! i haven't eaten you in thirty seconds!" we also discussed the decidedly very un-geisha- like quality of the drive thru worker, who lacked important several teeth.

one night this week i watched anchorman with jon over patty's and laughed so hard that it actually hurt. i can't remember if this was the same night as our mcdonald's escapades.

ryan and i went out for dinner one night then back to his casa for a lil poker with jim, max, and justin. believe it or not, i think i finally know how to play! max is on leave from the army until the first, so it was really nice to see him. he tried to recruit me, it was hilarious. i told him he should try some students at brown, i bet they'd be willing to go and fight for our president. max isn't a huge fan of the army, and says it's the last time he ever joins. whenever army commercials would come on, he told us how untrue they were. it was hilarious. what a guy, what a guy. it was good to see him back on hersey road.

yesterday dan and i finally hung out. i missed that gangster so much. we went to sakura, a fabulous japanese restaurant on wickenden street. the ambiance was great, no shoes allowed, and we sat on very comfy floor pillows, trying rather unsuccessfully to eat soba noodles with chopsticks. we were a lot better at sipping the miso shiro. afterwards we explored both floors of the antiques and artifacts shop across the street (the one where jon bought his exorcism kit), trying on old 1920's flappers hats and laughing at the hideous paisley shirts. he's going to buy me a tiara for my birthday. back a la casa de gilcreast, we watched edward scissorhands and played with the always adorable chloe. he gave me a self described 'best' mix ever, and - indeed - i love it - the cranberries, the fugees, saves the day, janis joplin, the cure, the distillers, the bouncing souls.... life doesn't get much more perfect.

last night patty, jon, and i went to the providence place. jon and i literally had to drag patty through pottery barn, pottery barn kids, and restoration hardware in order to design our homes. honestly, for being from a family that paints every room in the house every 6 months, that girl has no interior decorating genes!! as they split a scrumptious wood grilled pizza at the nordstrom cafe, we lamented over new year's plans against the gorgeous backdrop of the providence skyline.

returning to the gumbleys, patty, mike, mrs. g., and i watched bad stand up and shared bowls of cereal. then i found the first season marathon of america's next top model on vh1, and watched it until 3 am, even though i already knew who was going to win.

today i slept until 1 and received an email from ross. thus is my life in all it's vacation perfection.