smileyjess

i had taken the month off. two appointments scheduled, two appointments canceled. civ seminars, bio slides, chem exams, and calc II quizzes just got in the way.

i'm sure that by now, you're all well-acquainted with the first postulate of the jess law of ignorance: if you ignore something long enough, sooner or later it will go away.

in the car on the way there, i asked myself why i had even bothered to go. i reminded myself that i was A Tad Bit Fucked Up, if you will, and continued to hum along to some dave matthews.

walking into her room and sitting in that chair is on par with a night of heavy drinking: all of your suppressed sober thoughts and desires surface and escape from your lips, propelled like a rocket, and are high as a kite in the sky before you can quickly reel them back in. and it's even the same after effects - you immediately want to retract those forbidden fragments that somehow managed to mischeviously piece themselves together and surrepticiously slip out seemingly without a second thought.

but there are always second thoughts. hell, my second thoughts have second thoughts.... and third thoughts.... and fourth thoughts.... overanalyze much?

i think she may be writing a book about me. a case study. i'm thinking of doing her a favor and buying her a tape recorder for christmas. i bet you never knew i was so quotable.

i said i felt: indifferent helpless anxious distracted lost alone

simple words to put meaning upon otherwise meshed emotions of blended mass confusion.

"but but but--" i argued, "i'm Doing Just Fine."

"really," i reassured. "think it's the weather.... its bringing everyone down. besides! i'm always smiling!"

"things are good," i told her.

after all who am i to complain? poor little upper-middle-class-college-student lost in a universe of pristinely cut suburban snow-covered lawns and perfectly waxed unnecessary monster SUVs in front of excessive houses with enough closet space to squeeze a coffee table in there.

so.
much.
guilt.

the wires are being pulled past their breaking points and i am waiting for the snap. and then the curl.

she said, "color."

color was what i needed. a plant to provide fresh air.

i had always wanted a rose garden, i thought.

i left with the same smile i had entered with, a hug, and a prescription for the highest allowable dosage of paxil. triple that which i currently have to take. (color was not all i needed, apparently.)

you want to know the saddest part?

i actually thought that i had been Improving. Getting Better. Working On It.

i'm supposed to see her again sometime this week, but i think i'm busy that day.