smileyjess

JANUARY: i love madeleine. and rachel. and jon. and jon. and rob. and ryan. and jessica. and ethan. and adam. and mattie. and the people currently having sex in the bathroom. and (edit). and the electric blue windex (edit). and the (edit). and coconuts. and waterbeds. and grapes. and sweet lovin'. and flamingoes. and massages. and jessica's dress.

FEBRUARY: “I wonder if anyone is really happy. I hope they are. I really hope they are.” chbosky, the perks of being a wallflower, page 24.

MARCH: the last song i allowed myself to listen to that morning was Clumsy. rather ironic, no? i'm still convinced it was karma because even the insurance company decreed that i was not at fault. freak 15 minute snow squall, an insignificant cloud that chose to burst at the most inopportune of times, while i was on my way to school, the morning after a night of below zero wind chill and cold toes snuggled under an extra comforter layer.

APRIL: two words: yale, shmale.

MAY: Obviously, my trip was fabulous: we hiked El Moro Valley, Crystal Cove Canyon, the cliffs of Huntington and Newport beaches, the boardwalk at Laguna, and saw some sites in Venice; I consumed no less than three Jamba’s and shopped to my heart’s content at Fashion Island (aka: Fascist’s Island); we dined at El Ranchito and California Pizza Kithcen and P.F. Chang’s and one night we grilled peppers and other assorted yummy foods over a campfire at Corona del Mar.

JUNE: saturday night: pink tipped swords and tennis baseball and green j.crew sweats and christmas trees. popcorn and pickles and finding neverland and smooth leather cushions into which i sank, popped collars and gamecube golf with bad music and good competitions. red jeep and red hair. margaritas with lime and extra salt. patty and tj and me. and tommy and mike.

JULY: i arrived at mi casa a little after 1 this morning.
i woke up a little after 1 this afternoon........ to this: Attacks on London

i will never ever understand the ways of this world.

why?

AUGUST: BenSaviet: MOM... MEATLOAF... FUCK!

SEPTEMBER: nobody said it was easy/ oh, it's such a shame for us to part/ nobody said it was easy/ no one ever said it would be so hard/ oh, let's go back to the start. even though the sun has emerged these past few days, and i drove down to gansett yesterday, and i also bought two pairs of shoes on sale at berk's on thayer.... this depression is not waning. ryan left yesterday and c-town is subsequently dismal. dan left today and i miss that gangster already, too.

OCTOBER: "Maybe this world is another planet's hell." - Aldous Huxley

NOVEMBER: i've realized and accepted the fact that i havent got a clue about what i want to do with my life.

DECEMBER: this weekend was a blur of peppermint schnapps and hershey's chocolate shots, hard ice tea, top quality keystone beer, and maybe a little jaegermeister with red bull in there somewhere.

i have no idea what to make of 2005. to say the least, it was one of the most important of my life, but i'm not sure how i feel about it. wonderful things happened to me, and some not so wonderful. i feel.... empty, i think. hollow. nothing but an empty shell of sorts. on the outside are all these wonderful things, but don't be fooled by the facade. or maybe gilded is a better description. at any rate, the high highs of oh-five made the lows that much lower. but at the same time, the lows made me more appreciative of the highs. am i making sense?

if i sound like i am complaining, that is not my intention. merely i am trying to convey my detachment that persisted throughout the year as a whole. i approached a lot of situations/people at an arm length's distance. as a result this was probably the loneliest year of my life, and it was no one's fault but my own. i resolve not to do that in oh six.

oh five will forever be remembered as the year i didn't get into yale. and no, i still can't let that go. i probably won't ever. unless, you know, i magically get accepted into their med school.

this year i developed an incredible love for traveling. i went all over the coast of cali, made a few treks to new york city and boston, was in awe over england, and lived in spain for a few weeks.

i was a second semester senior, which was probably my most favorite time of life thus far. between half assing every assignment and still graduating with a 96.89 average, i started going to the beach in april and arriving to school around noon (just in time for lunch, of course) if i even bothered to arrive at all. there were several senior nights, the bay queen cruise, prom season, awards banquets, arts events, graduation, post graduation parties.

unfortuantely, there were too many goodbyes.

but! i said just as many hellos, if not, more. i started college at a school i couldnt have cared less about and like it in spite of myself!

crying on the phone to ryan one night after a few too many jaegerbombs i was comforted in the 6th floor hallway of cunningham by someone i now consider to be one of the nicest, most genuine people i know. i partied, cowgirl style, with my best friend. (i landed one of the sweetest living spaces for next year with her!) i was in awe over an afro and made a friend for life. i bonded with fellow science majors next to the fume hood as we lamented our poor luck for having landed in the same four hour friday afternoon chem lab. (thank god i have it on thursdays next semester though!) i was invited stargazing by friends made at orientation. several nights (or in the small hours of the morning) i bundled up tight and packed tea in travel mugs for midnight strolls with my intensely philosophical companion - he brought the skittles. we went to plays.

i saw the gates - that was cool. i can cross my need to see a jean claude work off my list.

i was in a state of total contentment (enlightenment, perhaps?) while in the presence of the dalai lama. words still can't describe - i can't even write about it in my real journal yet. it was magical, and i know that sounds SO INCREDIBLY lame but that's all there is to it. my life was absolutely falling apart, torn to pieces by the seams, crushed to bits of immeasurable dust, going down the tubes, being swept away in ruins. and then i sat by the shore for a few hours in the presence of one of the most powerful religious figures to have ever lived, and everything was perfect. simultaneously, nothing else mattered yet everything else mattered. i was flawed, and i was okay with that. accepted it instead of fought it. hell, i even fucking forgot about myself at some points and just closed my eyes and let his words wash over me like a calm wave on moist sand, gently rolling out pretty puka shells on the shore and lapping lightly on colorful blankets, perhaps filling a moat in a child's sandcastle. bah. words fail me.

i became addicted to retail therapy. i started real therapy. i experienced the most un-fucking-believable pain in the world when i went through withdrawal after deciding to take myself off my medication. withdrawal symptoms are not fun. lesson learned.

i wrote. (but not enough.)

i tie-dyed. (but not enough.)

i grew, physically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally.

----not enough.

18 years and i've never made a resolution. i figure now's as good a time as any to start.

i resolve to tell the people i love that i love them more often.

i resolve to write more often.

i resolve to write more letters. real letters. as in: snail mail letters.

i resolve to cut down on my text messaging.

i resolve to not eat my weight in gummy candy every day.

dear nordstrom half yearly sale,
thanks for making my winter bearable.
all my love,
jess

two claps for new boots!

fell in love with it when dann played it in sixth grade

never ceases to amaze, sends shivers up and down my spine

Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a peace of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe believe in me believe
That life can change that you're not stuck in vain
We're not the same we're different tonight
Tonight so bright tonight

And you know you're never sure
But you're sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe believe in me believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there's not a tonight
Tonight so bright tonight

Tonight
We'll crucify the incinsere tonight
We'll make things right we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you
Tonight tonight

every time someone goes away i never realize just how much i miss them until i'm standing next to them upon their return with the goofiest smile pasted on my face for hours on end. bonus points are administered when that person wraps you in their arms when you (wearing aforementioned grin) pick them up at the airport and tells you that your hair smells good.

he flew home on the red eye so we were back at his apartment before noon. the atrocious mess he had vowed to clean (mostly just piles of clothes sporadically placed about the room and one moldy piece of bread underneath the bed) was pushed aside for a few hours in favor of showers and naps and wedding crashers. i'll be honest - i had missed his notre dame fleece blanket, too.

after recharging the batteries for a bit and checking out the inside of our eyelids, we caught up with jay for awhile, chatting it up about vegas (he just got back last night) and his winnings (hooray! finally someone who can afford the other coldplay ticket! someone uber chill!).

extra xmas money burning a hole in his pocket, we decided to go to the mall and shop around for a fabulous new shirt, ultimately deciding on a lovely blue number from banana republic. i realized that i genuinely love shopping, even when it's not for myself!

returning back to cunningham we rounded out the evening with a bet that pete wouldnt eat an entire beef stick (1330 calories, 267% daily allowance of sodium, and 114 grams of fat) in a mere 7 bites (damnit, he did). the twenty bucks shelled out by steve and sibley was well worth it though, as now i forever have the image of pete deep throating a beef stick (mailed by his girlfriends mom, of all people....!) ingrained on my mind. yes. hilarious.

cotter and rachel joined in the fun, and silly string and bubbles later reeked havoc on deadwood (with the rose bowl in the background, naturally). good times all around.

now i am home and must do some serious packing...

i shall be in california in 8 hours!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(p.s. i'm bringing along alice's adventures in wonderland and through the looking glass by lewis carroll for the plane ride - i've wanted to read it for years now...)

in an attempt to slay jetlag, my plans for the next four hours are to watch daria, read ginsberg, and listen to julia by our lady peace and butterfly by weezer on repeat with my eyes closed. oh, and down a few benadryl just before i board my flight.

a message from my favorite frenchman, mr. ryan desnauliers:

Dearest Jess,
Ben and I like you. A lot. Sexually. And friendshiply.

?

Love you.
Touch me.

BYE!
All my love,
Ryan

hooray for g. love and special sauce with fro!

crystal cove, el morro canyon, newport beach, laguna beach, huntington beach, corona del mar, l.a.'s fashion district, m grill, melrose, rodeo drive, hollywood sign, sacred grounds, the sweet hurt, vietnamese pho, dakota's....

photos found here.

MattieCamp: "dear jess: hate me. Love, PC."

you crush me with the things you do
and i'd do anything for you too, love.

only a few days left of break - less than a week now - so i've been scrambling like mad, spending more money than i actually have and sleeping super late in attempts to recharge the batteries for the impending doom that is second semester.

yesterday i visited steve at pc (he's taking a winter class to lighten his spring courseload, seeing as how it's already packed to the gills with lacrosse, rotc, and general senior mayhem), bearing panera as a gift. it was so good to see him - we traded tales from california and mcfadden's. sounds like i missed a good weekend in providence!

afterwards dan and i celebrated his rather anticlimactic 19th birthday by finely dining at al forno, splitting a deliciously spicy woodgrilled margherita pizza and cheaply sipping some glorious h-two-oh. we took our time, admiring the view and twinkling white lights embedded between the branches of the trees just outside the enormous windows by which we were seated. our decision to hit this trendy hotspot was rather sudden, but - if i may say so myself - we dressed well for the occasion. it was fun to celebrate dan's birthday in the almost tangible upscale atmosphere. the place is all soft lights and beautiful flowers (i may or may not have taken a red rose from the small vase on our table...), hot waiters, and too much silverware rolled gingerly in cloth napkins. i highly recommend it for a fun night on the town.

cultured enough for the evening, we grabbed dessert (oreo malts! mmm!) at johnny rockets on thayer. walking on angell, we ran into dave and joe! what a pleasant surprise! dave looked taller than i remembered him to be, and joe's hair must have grown just as much because it was certainly defying gravity in a way unlike anything else known to man. once dan and i were comfortably seated in one of those bright overstuffed red booths at j.r.'s, we unpopped the collars, threw things at one another, and selected a bunch of oldies on those miniature jukeboxes they have at every table. yep, you can dress us up, but you sure can't take us out! (and, yes, fro, i did get the free pickles!)

we drove a few minutes past the beautiful million dollar homes of the east side and ended up in prospect park (making fun of delilah in the car on the way there). it truly is a beautiful view of the city...

i couldnt fall asleep last night, so i enlisted in the aid of nyquil, only to be awakened at 11 this morning to the melodious voice of the one and only j blaze. jeremy arrived an hour later and we caught a matinee of the chronicles of narnia. the movie was - in a word - amazing. i liken the feeling i experienced throughout to that similarly felt when i saw finding neverland for the first time. i didn't want it to end and when it was over i wished it wasn't. simply beautiful and fascinating and so imaginative. i absolutely loved it. while lunching at panera afterwards (yes, i'm going to turn into a bagel soon, i know i eat there way too often), we managed somehow to catch up on the past semester in a few hours worth of time. he filled me in on all things nyu, whilst i regaled him with my shenanigans at good ol' pc. good times were had, as were buttered croissants and veggie soup.

the thoughts of a fool are kind of careless

not that everyone didn't already know i have depression, but just in case you've been living under a rock, i offer further evidence.

tonight was arguably one of the best nights of my life. i'm driving along, bopping to some led zep (fool in the rain - my most favoritist song ever. seriously, ever.), interpreting its being on the radio as some sort of omen from the Above that, yes, things are alright - i can be happy without feeling guilty and the world will continue to spin on its axis perfectly orbiting the giant sun star in an oval.

suddenly it hit me like a load of bricks. how dare i feel happy - genuinely happy, nary a care in the universe. the guilt piled on my shoulders and maybe it was just my imagination but the rain picked up once the song was over and all i could think about what the car crash that took place in barrington last may and ruthlessly claimed the lives of two boys i've never met in a haze of twisted metal and jutting tree branches. and also how mr. kavanaugh found them and how he cried when recounting in the theatre it to my senior class during his annual pre-prom 'you better not drink' speech.

did they ever have the chance to feel that sort of happiness? did they call someone before they hit the road that night? - i didn't call to say i was coming home, (should i have? i haven't done that since junior year - maybe i should have tonight though, it's late, it's rainy, the roads aren't that great, did my brakes just squeak?)

i pictured my car hydroplaning at the end of 37 west, suspended tires spinning in the air momentarily then squealing literally uncontrollably upon contact with the asphalt, the shattering of my windshield and embedded pieces of glass lining my forehead, blood streaming down my face, bruises immediately forming across my chest where my seatbelt hopelessly tried to restrain me, my neck going limp as my airbag deployed... i even got as far as sighing a last breath as i grew dizzy at the reflection off the guardrail of spinning red and blue lights. and later, nothing but muffled sirens in a claustrophobic ambulance devoid of any air whatsoever. pitch blackness engulfed me.

somehow i made it home before a panic attack decided to strike. hmm who saw that one coming?

the worst part is - this is me, happy. as good as it gets. what more is there above happiness? if i am still conjuring these type of sick images even when at my happiest.... well.... there's just something terribly wrong with me. why am i so defected? why this string of events popping into my mind? i mean, hello? i just had a wonderful night hanging out with an excellent guy - delightful dinner, good conversation, lots of laughs, general all around fabulous time - and i was grinning ear to ear.

so why all that? why did i think of those two boys i had never met? why does my mind recollect these things at the most inopportune of times? why can't it dwell on, say... feeling like a princess or remembering the laugh- out - loud moments of the evening? why why why

don't ever let anyone tell you this isn't a disease. i wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy (not that i have a worst enemy... i believe it's just a figure of speech....)

find a cure. maybe we just need to create a ribbon for depression. support our serotonin, perhaps? hell, rhode island just passed a law legalizing the medical use of marijuana. i think manic depressives should be permitted to swallow a few ecstasy tablets a day.

at any rate, i had a wonderful evening with steve. and i wanted to tell you all about it, but this is what, in the end, i guess i really needed to write about.

do me a favor, though, okay? stop and think of something that makes you beyond happy. hold on to it for as long as you can and enjoy it for me, okay?

light of the love that i found

today i hot glued the left shoe of my favorite pair of french espadrilles (the navy ones).... for the second time.

i think i have a new favorite: vincent van gogh dutch chocolate vodka.

will: what am i going to do with my liberal arts degrees?
haj: nothing!
jess: what would i do with a philosophy degree?
haj: hang out with will!

ahhhh i love my life. good times, love pit forever.

drunk parent stories are probably my most favoritest things ever.

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to
answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how
embarrassing it is.

How many songs: 1338

Sort by song title

First Song: #34 by Dave Matthews Band
Last Song: Zero by Smashing Pumpkins

Sort by time

Shortest Song: Intro (Rock Steady) by No Doubt (0:27)
Longest Song: Seek Up by Dave Matthews Band (19:12)

Sort by album

First Song: Hello by Oasis off of (What's the Story) Morning Glory)
Last Song: Soco Amaretto Lime by Brand New off of Your Favourite Weapon

Top Five Most Played Songs

1. See You Soon (live) by Coldplay
2. Fix You by Coldplay
3. Jude Law and a Semester Abroad by Brand New
4. Seventy Times Seven by Brand New
5. The Scientist by Coldplay

First song that comes up on Shuffle: Exodus by Bob Marley and the Wailers

Search ....

"sex," how many songs come up? 4
"death," how many songs come up? 8
"love," how many songs come up? 61
"you," how many songs come up? 159

probably one of the things i hate most in this world (besides the typical major things i could never do anything about anyways [i.e. ignorance, poverty, kenny g's existence]) is my bedroom window shade, or more correctly, my three bedroom window shades.

they do a terrible job of blocking out light, and each night/early morning i retire to rest up, i have to tuck in the sides in a very specific manner so as to block out any possible entrance of trace amounts of sunbeams.

when at school, there is no need for me to do this as i have arranged my bed in accordance with the feng shui book my mom bought me - feet not facing the door. thus my eyes face the door and there is not a chance whatsoever of sharp early morning light blinding me upon first awakening, nor are there passing headlights zooming along the wall as i doze off.

when i was little i even stuffed an old t shirt under the crack of my heavy oak door where it meets the hardwood flooring. most kids were afraid of the dark but i craved it. in the stillness of my blackened room i patiently waited for my pupils to adjust, unblinking, to the artificial night i meticulously created each evening. familiar outlines of my stereo, desk, couch, bookcase, closet, etc emerged slowly, almost one at a time, my eyes focusing tentatively.

the stillness of my room was tangible.

it was often so silent that i could hear the changing of numbers on my digital clock, the green numbers of which glowed brightly. they faced the farthest wall so as to further minimize light. in the middle of the night, if i ever need to know what time it was, i stretched - eyes closed, of course - my right hand over to my seemingly-farther-away-each-time end table and quickly turned the alarm around with knowing fingertips until my hesitant eyelids would flutter open ever so slowly and i'd peer over my mountain of pillows through shaking, petrified eyelashes at the outrageously lime numbers.

most kids crave light. everyone knows, of course, it is what best repels the monsters.

my logic was this: the darkness that engulfed my second story bedroom each night was so terrifying that not even monsters would ever want to risk entrance. or maybe, if i made it dark enough, they would never be able to find me anyways.

i no longer go through this ritualistic, obsessive compulsive routine each night (thank god!) some nights i even bathe my room in the hot pink glow of my favorite old strands of christmas lights (strung around the perimeter of my walk in closet) or the cow lights that i love so much from OOP!

i know it is disgusting, but few mornings during this break did i wake up before noon. sunlight no longer bothers me. now i'm the one craving it - literally.

some rainy, gloomy days i sit in the big bay window with a hot mug of chai and my favorite book and let artifical light of nearly 400 watt bulbs wash over me in increments of fifteen minutes. such a craving is analogous to an addiction, really i suppose. i literally cannot function without it - am totally dependent upon it.

but sometimes i find it funny - my inherent, immense affinity for darkness over light. on the days i sleep in, i have four layers (one sheet, one blanket, one comforter, one quilt) covering my entire head with just the right mountainous formation of a mouth tunnel so my parents don't awake to find that i've suffocated.

underneath these layers, i can't see anyone and no one can see me.

and that's exactly how i like it.

he's just pretending that he's not enjoying it to keep up with his gay facade.

i offer to you my new favorite photo of jon wall:

jessica something lux, whyyyyyy did i not see this picture sooner?

seriously, was my diet coke spiked that day?

jon, not a day goes by that i dont wish you were straight. fucking, just marry me and i swear we can have a menage a tois with a hot upenn guy. damn it i miss you already

my mania is keeping me up again. i think i'm nervous about the start of the second semester. surprise surprise.

we were facing one another, side by side, arms lightly touching. if i nonchalantly sniffed ever so slighty, i caught a trace scent of the elusive essence on his collar - a scent that will forever be associated with him even if i meet someone else who wears it years from now - and we talked of love.

"have you ever been in love?"

ha! as if! i'm 18. i don't know the least bit about love. i often pretend to, but who am i kidding? i'm sure i could tell you plenty about lust, but not anything you don't already know.

but i guess maybe it's worth a shot. here goes nothing - just a few floating thoughts to practice writing spontaneously. please feel free to add as you see fit.

these should not be considered 'requirements' so much as 'added bonuses'

love is:
-framed candids
-saved movie stubs
-mix CDs
-oversized sweatshirts of his that you wear to bed
-twirled hair between fingertips
-sneaky kisses in an otherwise empty elevator
-laughing it off when his fork accidentally misses his mouth instead of being grossed out
-reading to one another
-lit candles
-scraped windshields and warmed cars on frigid mornings
-surprise notes
-funny postcards (even if you live together!)
-fluttering eyelashes in the morning
-dancing fingertips in your hand
-enveloping arms
-thunderstorm watching, lost in awe
-stargazing on the roof of the car
-making an honest effort to understand football
-actually becoming interested in football
-homemade lunches in brown bags with xoxo written on the napkin
-letting you control my radio even when i'm driving
-phone calls on invented special holidays
-random anniversaries
-flower deliveries for no good reason
-lying stretched out on the couch with my head resting lightly in your lap, looking up at your face
-falling asleep with my head in your lap
-gingerly covering me with a blanket
-filling up the car with gas when i'm too lazy to go to the station
-surprise chinese takeout ordering after one of my cooking 'experiments' fails
-sunrise at the beach (if we're on the east coast)
-sunset at the beach (if we're on the west coast)
-celebratory champagne in glass flutes
-bubble baths (obviouslyyyyy)
-folded laundry
-dancing in the rain
-resewn buttons
-lifting me in the air hugs
-foot-popping kisses
-the good kind of shivers
-unexpected visits
-late-night ice cream excursions
-homemade gifts
-spur of the moment vacations (be it a weekend getaway in the berkshires or a transatlantic plane ride...)
-back massages
-communicating without talking





"no, never," i respond.

but hopefully someday

briefly....

moved back in the other day. took me far too long to organize my jewelry. i took home so much crap it's really quite unbelievable. once i abandoned any attempt at reorganization here in mcvin 311 it was off to cunningham for the evening.

steve had purchased entourage season one, so we watched that with brian and rachel - excellent show. i had never even heard of it, but i'm officially addicted. slept comfortably late yesterday morning, the shades were up as usual and i realized how pleased i was to have light shining through the windows and into the immaculately spotless room.

the afternoon consisted of book buying and napping. tough day, i know, i know.

fro, matt, rob, will, and i went to thayer for some of the world's best pizza at antonio's. ran into pete and one of his holy cross friends. it was great to see him - he shared a hilarious near-arrest story that took place over break with jared. fro and i caught a 700 show of brokeback mountain at the avon. it was certainly worthy of all the praise it's garnered. i recommend it - excellent acting on the parts of jake and heath, heavy implications are recurrent throughout the film, you've really got to be on your toes, makes you think. beautiful.

i was in bed by 1 and up at 9 for back to back chem and bio, and - later - civ. done by 130. lunched with allie - so jolly to catch up (kyle gave her a beautifully dainty ring studded with diamonds for christmas, ooooo, ahhhhh!) and tessa, then delivered mail to my favorite sixth floor c.h. boys. came back to mcvin and crashed for a solid three hours. at which point i woke up and somehow found the energy to do some civ and chem.

unfortunately, i haven't retained anything i read. damn it.

it was off to mike's for a little popcorn and garden state this evening - good times. i forgot how incredible that film is. zach braff really possesses a unique twist of hilarity and sensitivity. there are truly lovely and awe inspiring moments in the movie that force you to stop and reflect on the things that really matter in life.

now it's already 1 and i'm somehow tired. i have no right to be this exhausted.

i don't think i'm cut out for this college thing. really. a month off has messed with my head. the mere thought of getting up for 830 calc three makes me want to vomit.

let go by frou frou

drink up, baby down
mmm, are you in or are you out
leave your things behind
'cause it's all going off without yo
excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedy
these mishaps
you bubble wrap
when you've no idea what you're like

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

it gains the more it gives
and then it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow

such boundless pleasure
we've no time for later now
you can't await your own arrival
you've 20 seconds to comply

so let go, jump in
oh well, whatcha waiting for
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown
so let go, just get in
oh, it's so amazing here
it's alright
'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

the stress has yet to set in (which is both good and bad). good because i'm a lot happier right now, but bad because, well, it's inevitable yet i don't want to be around when it actually does.

-fridays that are over by 120
-long emails
-diet dr. pepper
-chocolate raspberry coffee with soy and three splenda
-whole wheat bagels
-198 new songs to listen to (approximately 10 hours worth of stuff stolen from mike hooray!!) radiohead and sts9 and portishead oh my! (oh, and who can forget a little bit of the decemberists and imogen heap? okay, officially done being an obscure music snob, my bad...)
-j. crew shoe sales
-$20 from citizens bank was neatly deposited into my account after i complained to them
-bio professors that teach
-calc three professors (with cute glasses that dress in all black with a shirt stating in big block white letters "love will tear us apart") that teach
-teasing jon about hooking up in his bed ("but it's soooo much more comfortable!")
-having time to watch the o.c. (god i hate that show... yet i always come back...)
-beautiful weather (it's about 56 degrees here today)

tell me i did not just use my favorite eyeliner to write out my to do list.

"nope, yep, you definitely just used your favorite eyeliner (roast coffee) to write out your to do list."

dammit.

To Do (Saturday, 21 January)
-buy birthday card for ryan
-buy two cent stamps
-shopping with liv
-reading for civ
(hey that rhymes! - i didn't actually write that)
-remember to burn jack johnson cd
-buy hair conditioner
-pick up calc book (left it at home, dumbass)
-buy other civ book
-call lau
-capote at the cable car
-food?
-buy henri bendel wild fig perfume




oh yeah, buy favorite eyeliner (roast coffee).

“The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."
-- On The Road by Jack Kerouac

"Since September it's just gotten colder and colder. There's less daylight now, I've noticed too. This can only mean one thing - the sun is going out. In a few more months the Earth will be a dark and lifeless ball of ice. Dad says the sun isn't going out. He says it's colder because the earth's orbit is taking us farther from the sun. He says winter will be here soon. Isn't it sad how some people's grip on their lives is so precarious that they'll embrace any preposterous delusion rather than face an occasional bleak truth?"

friday night found me firstly carousing with liv and carl (he was visiting from umass dartmouth for the eve). they pregamed on diet iced tea snapple and bacardi razz plus some funky apple smelling stuff in a pretty bottle, then hit up clubbie's for what i heard was a fabulous night filled with dancing on pool tables and beautifully straightened hair that formed elegant ringlets in the heat of the overcrowded base-pumping bar.

meanwhile i was kicking back some peppermint patty shots with my boys of suites 403 ("baby!") alas... being legal and whatnot, fro, matt, and rob were off to brad's (then old's.... then mcphail's... then slavin for foodage... then late night house fiesta...)

yes, yes, folks, it is second semester and i remain the only pc student (other than breton) without an id. luckily, certain sober lax player in cunningham, so he was kind enough to allow me to watch four brothers and kick back with him while i lamented over the alcohol consumption of others but secretly preferred actually managing to keep my dinner down, thankyouverymuch!

sunday afternoon liv and i had a much needed shopping expedition (see previous 'to do' list) at the always delightful providence place mall. we set off on an adventure of sorts: i was in desperate need of a new pair of jeans. miraculously, nordstrom was having a sale (*gasp!*) still, and - thanks to the encouragement of miss liv - i bought myself a rather pretty pair.

wallet successfully warmed up, i went on to replenish that goddamn eyeliner (grumble, grumble), as well as purchased the softly scented henri bendel wild fig perfume i've been coveting for a few months now (but was previously too cheap to buy). oh, and garden state because i could watch that movie on repeat.

back on campus i chillaxed with fro, matt, and rob (somehow they're not sick of me yet!) before they went to yet another 21+ plus event (this time at cafe tazza) sans 18 year old and i.d.-less me. liv, jackie, emily, and i had cafe four twelve delivered around midnight and laughed ourselve silly over girl next door. oh, yah, and we reenacted the call on me video which if you haven't seen you definitely need to hop on that.

oh my god. am i becoming one of those journals where all i do is recount the weekend's events?

please, dog, no.

i wrote this about a year and a half ago.

i sent it in on all those applications.

obviously, it wasn't good enough, but i can't think of anything worthwhile to write. and i've been meaning to tell you this for awhile, now... so...

There are - buried deep inside the concaves of my innermost self - several personalities positively bursting at the seams, eager to emerge and make an appearance. They long to make an everlasting impression. Hidden by a heavy red velvet curtain, they are shielded from the hungry eyes of the audience, only to be glimpsed in rare intervals of nanoseconds- perhaps a tug here, or a glance there in the corner, light footsteps feverishly scurrying backstage, casting delicate shadows underneath the glare of beaming lights. They are impatient to assume their individual roles, desiring to have the full attention of all viewers. Lines memorized through incessant practice and stage directions certain, each assumes an overwhelming air of self-confidence, and possesses an aura so powerful that, at times, I succumb to their relentless demands and cower backstage after attempting to inconspicuously saunter off stage right.

Within myself are enough antagonists, protagonists, good guys, bad guys, lead actresses, and supporting roles for a lifetime of Oscar nominations, each well endowed with the ability to adapt to the many audiences for which I place myself on display, including but certainly not limited to, friends, family, teachers, and strangers alike. Each evening it is a sold out crowd. After eighteen (and counting) consecutive seasons, my varied cast of characters has become adept at improvisation, handling even the most torturous of situations - a laughless night, poor on-stage chemistry - with the seeming utmost of ease. Although each show may appear to run smoothly, all it takes is a gentle prod to shatter this illusion. Do not be deceived. Drama in all forms takes place both on and off stage - who is arguing with whom, who is having a breakdown, who is arriving too close to curtain call for comfort.

For as far back as I can recall, I have always felt as though I must put on a pleasing act for a paying audience. A one-woman show with too often costume changes, commencing with multiple layers that thin as the night wears on. For, as the performance progresses and I become desperate for the resounding approval of the audience through their applause, each stratum is hastily shed. As each costume is transformed, each hair placed precisely, each face disguised cleverly, there is the slight glimmer of hope that this one will bring the audience to their feet, hands clapping overzealously, whistles echoing off the gilded ceiling and crystal chandeliers. Encore.

There exists - amongst all the rights and wrongs, the friends and enemies, the villains and victims, the synonyms and antonyms, the artist, the hippie, the rock star, the scholar, the athlete, the friend, the daughter, the sister, the weak, the strong, the optimist, the realist - the one personality with the ability to bring the house down with her charisma, grace, and style. She knows her lines, and is well prepared for the unwavering stares of the audience as well as the heat of the centerstage lights and the weight of the pressure upon her shoulders.

She is simply waiting for her cue.

(copyright 2005)

just plain beautiful.

i can't sleep and i blame you. i am just at this weird point where i can no longer allow myself to care as much as i have in years in the past.

how many years now have i been trying to save you? four going on five?

i think it's time for me to give up. i have pretty pictures and cards and memories and flower petals. that will have to suffice.

otherwise, it hurts too much to stand by the wayside and watch as you self destruct and laugh about it at the same time. you try to shrug it off, but i see you wincing in pain, you can't lie to me. i want to help but there's only so much i can do - only so much you'll let me do for you.

you do this to yourself and you know it.

i can't even take care of myself, so i don't know why i ever thought i could take care of you, too.

i don't know which hurts more - knowing that i am your failed parachute or watching your crash landing from a safe distance.

either way i lose you and it hurts.

not that i would have been a very good parachute - maybe as useful as one made of glass.

pieces of me splintered and shattered upon landing, slicing the air rapidly in shards.

more broken than you.

wow. it's been awhile, eh? where to begin?

well, friday after having only bio at 1030 and civ at 1230 (two claps for getting rid of that damn four hour chem lab with breen on friday afternoons!!!) i quickly packed an overnight vera bradley bad and hightailed it to the bonanza station.

the long anticipated weekend at bc had arrived. and this time, i wasn't making any excuses. one round trip ticket later, i found myself on the same bus as not only the world's one and only mattfromciv (heart that boy), but also brooke c.! utter fabulousness ensued. he was off to holy cross (and had packed enough clothes to last a few months!!) and she was headed toward dartmouth to fall head over heels in love with a boy she had really only known for one weekend... a single fated weekend that just so happened to be (and i quote) "the best weekend of [her] life." smiles all around indeed. cheers for fate and love at first site.

barely containing my excitement, i rushed through the doors of south station and was immediately swept in the embrace of gillydantheman in what can only be described as a picture perfect hollywood moment. it had been close to a month since i had seen one of my best friends, and i was just so happy that he and beiss had picked me up because now i didn't have to try to figure out my way to bc alone! jolly!

ohhhh beiss. let me tell you about that boy. he is dan's boyfriend, and his roommate is dan's husband via facebook. beiss cracked me up right off the bat, with his goofy semi-mohawk haircut (that had been shaved in a drunken stupor a few weekends ago...), pretty blue eyes, and all around faux gangster-ness. he's from wells, maine - a tiny town at the southern tip of the state to which i used to travel every winter with my grandparents every year. immediately i felt a bond. the three of us laughed at people on the t, dan and i teased beiss about his high school girlfriend (note: she is not a senior!), and i heard all the gory details of a recent visit from a 375 pound dude that beiss went to high school with. beiss quote: "i'm really only friends with him to feel good about myself." jess quote: "yeah, that's why i'm friends with dan." dan: "i'm turning this t around and you can hop on the next bus home back to providence, bitch." <3 soooo much love

oh! i ran into rachel at south station and that was wonderful because it was so random and unexpected, and yeah, i know she goes down the streeto to bu, but what are the odds that i'd actually run into her? slim, indeed. i'm so happy i got to see her though. :) once on campus we filled our stomachs with yummy watermelon and apples with caramel (in anticipation of getting wasted that much faster). i was fortunate enough to see dylan and dean, which was also lovely, of course.

partying in newton with my favourite bc gangsters and chowing down at late night (and getting lost trying to find the bathroom whilst intoxicated) was definitely one of the highlights of the year thus far.

sunday morning arrived, bringing with it the world's greatest flyryeguy (in swishies, nonetheless!) we met up and grabbed breakfast at a tiny hole in the wall place just by newton called sandwich works. later we shopped along newbury, a prime street for some quality people watching. i bought beautiful tibetan prayer flags which i have already draped all around my dorm in hopes of sprucing things up even more and additionally showering good karma upon it. (i have officially removed my poster of johnny 'idiot' damon.)

afterwards we walked around boston common, laughing at albino ducks and contemplating whether it would be worth it to steal a small child or a small puppy. it was a wonderful afternoon spent in the company of my most favouritest people on the planet.

i slept on the bus back to providence, and - once on campus - was beckoned by the melodious voice of the world's best hambone, informing me that he had been so kind enough as to get red sox tickets for me. after i had failed earlier in the day, his success came as a triumph of sorts, and finally i'll have a good birthday present for the padre, versus brooks brothers ties and cd's of years past.

dead tired (i could never have gone saki bombing with dan! one night of mayhem at bc was more than enough), i kicked back here in mcvin with jackie and liv for a little wedding crashers. i woke up around noon yesterday, successfully procrastinated commencing homework by joining steve and jon for a trip to the mall and lunch at joe's. biology and chemistry and calc three consumed most of my evening, but i was fortunate enough to swing by cunningham later on for some downtime. thank god they didn't make me watch kids. ::shiver:: that movie scares me.

since neither of us were able to sleep, andrew and i went for a 230 am stroll and caught up on the past month or so - i had barely seen him since returning back to school, so it was much necessary.

finally i called it a day around 330 and managed to get a few hours of sleep before starting the terrible monday schedule of all four classes before 1230. no worries though, it's almost over now, so it's all good :) i'm looking forward to taking a nap after civ.

kbye.

someday i want to live on a vineyard in southern italy or france or a rural spanish plain or maybe even napa and make my own wine, complete with beautiful labels with pretty script in shiny bottles and overstuffed corks.

merely a thought.

sometimes really all you need are sour peach rings and gummy worms and the kindly extended ears of a good friend. we strolled directionlessly and droned on to one another, attempting desperately to articulate elusive emotions the other had never really experienced. it rained, and i remembered to bring my hat, yet i still rocked the espadrilles. he smoked clove cigarettes and the wind blew the smoke right in my face, but honestly i hardly noticed, so enraptured was i in its whimsical windswept dance through the air. i sat on the edge of the bench - flannel pj's are easily soaked by wet benches. again, though, i barely noticed. glowing lights lit our path and the night was strangely warm. that nice after rain scent circling us.

later on, i was able to more accurately place recognize that very scent from another memory - the night rye and i drove down to the beach and saw the secret garden performed in a rickety old red playhouse surrounded by summer flowers in all their splendor. such a rustic setting, we sat and watched the sunset before the play began. during intermission we stepped lightly on the softly creaking wooden floorboards and tried ever so carefully to not let the screen dorm slam too loudly as we stole into the night air, gazing at the moon and picking dandelion flowers between the green, green blades of grass. we nestled into our overstuffed seats just in time for the curtain to rise for the second act, but i honestly can't remember much about the actual play itself.

my favourite part came after, with the thunderstorm. we spun and caught raindrops on our lips and basked in the light of the full moon, which somehow managed to poke through all the clouds and set the dirt paths ablaze. droplets of water streamed down our faces and no one cared. we wiped them away and continued to smile.