i hate feeling this way. there's no fucking excuse for it. i do this to myself and then there is no one else to blame for it. i create this impenetrable darkness, these awful terrifying mindnumbing depths, the immensely overwhelming bouts of wallowing in muddy puddles of shallow self pity. no one drags me down but me. what do you do when you are your own worst enemy and you know it? you have come to grips with it, accepted it, but chosen to ignore it anyway?
all i want to do right now is escape from everything and everyone. break loose all connections, render myself rootless, start over.
i don't deserve these roots, these sources of sustenance who put up with me day in and day out while i complain my life away and do nothing but take up space and air and pollute the world with negative karma and a bad aura.
maybe the new time around, i wouldn't be so useless. so helpless. so utterly defenseless.
lately i've only half expected to see my relection on shiny surfaces. in frighteningly precise mirrors, in freshly cleaned car windows, in glistening pools of water, in the ripples of my cold coffee.
i'm still in awe over my superlong shadow limbs, stilt-like legs balanced precariously on the path ahead, sunset behind me.
i hate the darkness and the darks.
i want so incredibly to seek happiness in early morning pink sky sunrises and long colorfully woven scarves and playground swingset laughter. instead i'm so stressed my shoulders are perpetually hunched. i fear walking with my head up. i avoid making eye contact. i only look forward to sleep.