there is no escape from it. the stifling, still, reactionless, emoty void.
it's ironic because it used to actually be the escape. it was a sanctuary, a sidestepping of reality. it was a secret spot, a thinking spot, a place to go and hide and collect myself. there, nothing was important. there, nothing mattered. there, i felt most real.
when the the stretched out horizon was simply too wide for even the most panoramic of visions, i'd retreat to the edge. dive off, fearlessly ump in, not even granting myself a second for my nerves to catch up with me. i was suddenly rather uncharacteristically unafraid of the great height. "everything looks perfect from far away" and it did. out of touch with life, i's plummet headfirst into the paradoxical artificiality and held my breath until i absolutely couldn't for a nanosecond longer.
the plunge would feel as refreshing as the first summer dip in the pool, the much welcomed waves of clear water rushing through my fingertips, arms and legs pressed firmly by my sides. utterly weightless, perfectly streamlined. eyes shut, but still knowingly navigating with confidence, lashes flirting with the bottom lid, completely powerless and succumbing to even the slightest current's force.
i loved the wonderful floating feeling, the sudden ability to defy gravity, passively allowing myself to be led up, up, up to the rippling surface scattered with distorted reflections of snow tufted mountain peak clouds and flapping butterfly wings.
it used to be the cool escape, the ultimate cleansing, the purifier.
i'd almost silently emerge from my hiding place below, barely noticeable and certainly not drawing any attention to myself. surprise. silky and smooth extra long hair would cascade down my shoulders, each strand seemingly slicked into spot and perfectly styled. drops sliding down, down, down (down, down, down, down) the bridge of my nose.
slapslapslap water on pavement. soaksoaksoak oversized and faded terrycloth towels depicting scenes of old school animated disney films. a catnap in the sun and i was ready to once again face everything.
and now? now what's it like? what the past tense? "was" an escape?
because now i'm floundering and my arms are flailing and i made the mistake of screaming for help and let out all of the air in my lungs.
completely deflated, it doesn't help that i'm being held under by something stronger than me. something drowning me.
i can't sleep underwater and i'm so tired. the delusion has become more frightening that reality, and i'm not sure how to feel about that.
because where do i go now?
“Tree and Stone glittered, without shadows.
My finger-length grew lucent as glass.
I started to bud like a March twig:
An arm and a leg, an arm, a leg.
From stone to cloud, so I ascended.”
-Sylvia Plath