i scold myself each day for missing people. it's not right of me to so selfishly want them here, with me, when very clearly they need to move on and take the next step, or steps, no matter how far away from me they may lie.
i'm at this odd point right now where i'm just trying to focus all of my energy on maintaining balance. it's going well. i don't feel off kilter so much anymore and that is good. it would be nice to have you by my side to help steady me once in a while but i am a big girl and i need to not depend on another to help keep me in place so much anymore. i'll get used to the swaying in time and pretty soon things will stop spinning. i keep having to remind myself that it is now entirely up to me to keep things par for the course.
steady as we go. i mean, steady as i go.
i've successfully bitten off all my nails in my adamant refusal to face my worry. additionally, constantly gnawing at their tips provides a legit excuse to not have to talk to anyone.
at work there is a cute boy who says hello to me and i nod in response before hiding behind my cubicle wall. i sit all day avoiding conversation of any sort. i would much rather sit for minutes at a time working on a problem than have to approach a higher-up for help and risk making a fool of myself after three summers of working there.
i go in absurdly early - 630 - so that i may leave at 230. i take lunch at my desk, naturally. much quieter. i race home and try to catch the last pieces of the day's rays as i nap in the sun for an hour or so.
all day i punch imaginary numbers into a cheap texas instruments plastic calculator with differeny shades of greys and whites and blacks. i type on a near-silent keyboard and toggle many screens with a quietasamouse mouse.
what i hate most though is the fingernail polish. it is blue. it is over three weeks old. it is chipped and worn away, so much so that only trace speckles remain in the centers of each haphazardly bitten, painfully short tip, a sad reminder of the way they matched my dress, the one i've worn twice in as many years. nothing else i own is this same sharp tone of electric blue. a source of embarassment, i fold my fingers into a fist all too often and hope i dont have to shake anyone's hand.
it would be so much easier to just bust out the bottle of remover and a few cotton swabs and remove the little specks from their centripital centers until the cotton bunches up and looks as though it has been tortured for information, at which point i would simply toss them into the yellow basket in the bathroom without so much as a glance. thirty seconds. forty, tops. the left index finger is already completely devoid of any trace of blue.
and the funny part is i never paint my nails. ever. but it was a special occasion.
In a haze, a stormy haze
I'll be around, I'll be loving you always
Here I am and I'll take my time
Here I am and I'll wait in line
parachutes by coldplay