things were just so much easier when you were here next to me. comfortable. and as bad as the 'little accident' was, it never had anything to do with us. it had everything to do with family fuck ups and stupid professors and the fact that i liked to pretend things were fine when they werent (oh my god, they so werent) and dreams that - still - get farther away everyday and sophomore year stalkers and lost hope and somuchregret and besides, i had already complained to you too much already.
i remember i was at allie'sin late march, sometime around 1am, growing more and more and more frustrated with my complete inability to understand the calculus three problems that she was ever so patiently explaining to me - over and over and over. the numbers and letters danced on the page, disappearing before my very eyes until all that remained was the painful white reflection of the overhead light. i hadn't eaten since lunch, and in retrospect i was probably just hungry, but i stood up from the swivel computer chair where i had been sitting and nearly lost my balance. i was ready to call it a night without having completed the take home test that was due the next morning at 830am when you asked if i had a little bit of time to spare, to talk. of course i did.
my books got the better of me and i was afraid i would fall if i carried them to your apartment, so i left them on the sidewalk by my place, not caring if anyone stole all of my calc three stuff because - hey, after this dismally failed take home i was probably going to have to drop that class anyway.
i steadied myself on the coffee table and wanted so desperately to hold your hand, but you hate when i do that, so i didn't, of course. finally, you needed me for once. and somehow talking to you - rather, listening to you talk - calmed me down so that i no longer felt like i was going to burst at the seams.
this one night carried me through until the next time it snowed.
my point is this, i guess, and if you're still reading, i'm sorry it's taking so long to say it:
i felt like maybe you knew me more than i had ever intended for you to. and i realized that i had spent so long trying to hide myself from you, but you had seen right through it all, and still wanted me to sit there next to you.
that meant the world to me. and i just wanted to say thanks. and i miss you.
afterwards, i went back and worked until 4am on that test. but i didnt care about it at all anymore. calc three and family fuckups and faraway dreams and lost hope and self-pity and pretending things were fine when they werent.... really didn't seem all that important anymore.
this was probably one of the most freeing moments of my life.