smileyjess

last night i had a dream that i received a 35 on my mcats and you called to congratulate me. then you told me you loved me.

it was only at that point did i know i was dreaming.

new year, better year
new jess, better jess

"did you guys hear the bad news?" (confused and alarmed faces as this was our second day of class) "paris hilton.... dui last night ..... totally didn't see that coming. shame...."
-'chuckie-wuckie'

"when i am the law, i am above the law"
-dimitar

"oh my god, he is SO dumb. SO dumb! so i was like, 'daaaaa-meech!'"
-jess d.

oh providence.

i am doing 'whatever i want' (well, working towards trying to figure out what it is exactly that i want) and smiling way too much. yeah, that's pretty much it for now.

it was over before it was over and i would like to thank you for tiptoeing around that fact and gingerly placing a very fragile me down on the ground where i belong so i can't fall.

the knowledge that my feelings are not original is more than just a little unsettling. they may be original to me, but certainly have been shared by someone other than myself at some point - many points. hearing them related to me by someone else's first person is sort of like an out of body experience.

how is it possible that we think we are so different, but not really at all?

we simultaneously want so badly to feel somehow separate from one another but together at the same time.

we long to not need yet to be needed.

i crave your touch but cower in your presence.

after you left i shut my eyes and lie on my bed with my legs dangling and turned off my phone and listened to the rain on my window and honestly felt nothing for a few minutes. it was better than feeling sad.

i got in my car and didn't notice i had turned off the radio. the windshield wipers swayed to the odd silence.i stopped and parked far away in the parking lot of my favourite bookstore/cafe and carried my umbrella over me and jumped in puddles wearing suede shoes and didn't care and smiled at the splashes. warmed up with a steaming mug of tea and a good book. drove home just as the streetlights were turning on and night was tucking itself in for the evening.

fell asleep on the couch. woke up not remembering what it felt like to not feel.

lest you worry that smileyjess is just that, i share something i wrote about a month ago with you. i mentioned it to allie and gabby - both of whom have fabulous boyfriends, it should be noted - and i think they just felt bad for me, which totally wasn't the reaction i was hoping for, so, please. as a preface. don't feel bad. just... think about it.

what if marriage is nothing more than two people who can't take being hurt anymore? they just reach this threshold breaking point where they don't want to breakup and also don't really want to get married but it is sifnificantly easier to just walk down the aisle than figure out whose college tshirts are whose and hey give me my cds back and just call it quits. throwing in the towel after so much investment is like... i dont know what because i'm bad with stock market metaphors, but just something not good. a crash? yes. marriage is the lesser of two evils. it's like breaking up would be like going to jail in a game of monopoly just before you hit the dark blue rectangles of boardwalk and park place. do not pass go do not collect $200. you came so close, but now you start entirely from scratc and have to dig yourself out of a hole when you've reached its rock bottom. except there's really nothing you can do to help yourself get out. it just all chance. luck. doubles or nothing.

today i found out someone that's known me longer than i've even been alive has been conducting an affair with an airily perfumed name of a goddess for the past four years --- behind the back of his bride of more than four decades.

imagine how devastated she was when she found out via post it note on the marble kitchen counter island of their million dollar home? (okay, i don't know for sure it was marble. or a million dollars. but the kitchen counter note is not a lie; i cannot make this stuff up!)

oh. plus he has a three year old child with this woman.

sweeeeeeeet.

"autoclave and uv the cover slips, then i want you to place them in one ml poly-L-lysine overnight at room temp. you'll find it in the fridge, which you labeled 'poly-L-lysate.' don't worry; we found this enormously cute."

good job, jess.

cue: friday, 1220, end of orgo class. jim and josh sitting behind jess, packing up to leave almag 137. jess is nosy, has heard her name; ears perk up.

aaaaaaand action.

josh: dude, you don't have a date? take jess! i think you totally should ask jess!

jim: jess? yeah, that's a good idea! (turns toward jess, who is suddenly right next to him) jess! will you go with me-----------

jess (interrupting): to jrw?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? yes!!!!!!!!!

jim: um. no. rock climbing tonight?

jess curls up; dies.

the end!

and they all lived happily ever after.