an amazing article chronicling a terrible bout of depression from the point of view of a former nonbeliever: Welcome to Hell: A skeptic on depression is consumed by a disease he doesn't believe in .
it strips you of any sense of self worth. you look at old photos of yourself with beaming smiles and just stare in awe. you wonder how in the world your lips curled upward because you can't even remember the last time they did.
you drive for over twenty minutes before you realize that the radio is not on and instead you've been listening to your thoughts. your eyes lock in place on the dotted lines in the road, and eventually you pull into a parking space not even able to remember how you arrived.
you wake up in the morning and absolutely dread putting two feet on the floor. you turn off the goddamnmotherfucking buzzing alarm. Tug the covers over your head and tuck them under you. carpe diem? maybe tomorrow, maybe never.
you hate looking in mirrors. and they are everywhere. car windows, calculator screens, pastic paperclip holders, cd jewel cases, picture frames, windexed glass, candy wrapper foils.... everywhere.
the muscles of your back are perpetually contracted. your shoulders are hunched up to your ears and you crack your neck and like the numbness that comes along with it because the pain is temporarily eased.
you can't pour a bowl of cereal without feeling like crying. for no other reason than a little milk dripped on the table. yes, you cry over spilled milk. and then you cry over crying over spilled milk.
you cancel plans to go out because you cannot fathom the point of getting dressed and putting on makeup when you'd much rather curl into the fetal position in bed at 730 at night, no dinner, teeth brushed, pajamas on.
you have an abnormal fear of the phone. you never check voicemails and because of this the mailbox is full. you never return any missed calls because what if you call that person back and now they dont feel like talking to you anymore? and now you're just annoying them? and they're only answering to be polite and they feel bad, but they never really wanted to talk to you in the first place, and only called because they know you never answer the phone? they know you physically cannot answer the phone?
you go days without saying true statements.
you go so long without talking that the act itself becomes a chore.
you see no point in ever leaving your room when it is raining.
you wear the same pair of pants daily because you can't make even the simplest decision.