we had a bonsai tree and it died. i dreamt that i brought it back to life.
all of the trees outside my window are dead. so far, though, no dream.
i havent been writing because i've been so goddamn complainy lately. i'm doing you a favour by not writing.
countless times in the past few weeks i've seriously considered up and quitting this whole college thing. i cannot do it. it's just not for some people. i'm one of those people.
but then it's the little things each day that i have to focus on to balance out the big bad big things. the fact that my best friend remembered that i once mentioned in passing that i love corn muffins, so she made them for me the day i got my cell & molec exam grade back. the voicemail from ryan that says he's thinking of me that i listen to practically daily. my little sister calling me about high school advice (though i dont consider myself a valuable source whatsoever!!!!) having a song played for me on wdom on monday nights on my way home from the doctor's. smiles from strangers on the quad. and so many more...
i'm just so confused about every single fucking aspect of my life. yes, i know you are too; everyone is. why is everyone else so good at dealing with it though? what about me simply cannot handle even the most basic of life's curveballs without having a nervous breakdown? why is it that if i watch a movie that completely drains me of all emotion and i become lifeless, an epithelial shell with unblinking eyes and a mute mouth? how come i cry over spilled milk, literally? and let's not even get into the big stuff, the stuff that actually kindasorta matters (i.e. - my future) what classes to take next semester, where am i going to live next year, can i afford this? this? that? oh my god i can't breathe.
one minute at a time though, right? for instance, now, i will post this. then i will write a civ paper. tomorrow i will wake up and go to orgo. thursday i will not cancel movie date plans. friday i will take the trip to boston college to see one of the loves of my life. saturday night i will attend my parents' dinner party and make a mediocre attempt at being social around people i don't really know.
i will smile all along. try to, at least. it's all such a tentative schedule, one prone to getting thrown off due to a few drops of milk on the table or rain on the window and a beckoning bed complete with feather down pillows and blankets.